It's about damn time you found this!!

You wouldn't have even known that this was here unless you read about it in this Site somewhere! Well, now that you are here, ya might as well read these jokes.

A man was finishing a beer at the corner bar when he glances at his watch and sees that it was a quarter to twelve. The man looked at his friends and said, "Shit! I gotta go home! If my wife finds out that I was here all night, she'll be pissed!" So the man stands up and turns to the door. He takes one step, then falls to his knees. The guy grabs a barstool leg and uses it to pull himself up. The guy takes another step, and again, falls to his knees. "Man, it's gotta be the beer," the man told himself.

This happened with every step the guy took. It was very difficult because he had to walk home, which was about five blocks from the bar.

And so the man made it home. He opened the door and steped in...he fell to his knees. The man grabed the door handle and pulled himself up. The guy's plan was to sneak into his (and his wive's) room, crawl into bed and fall asleep, hoping his wife wouldn't wake up and see him. Problem: his bedroom was on the second floor.

He made it to the stairs and wondered how he was to make it up...he came up with the idea of placing one leg on a stair step, using the handrail to pull himself up, and to repeat this process to make it to the top. And so he did.

He walked into the bedroom only to remember one thing...his bed was a waterbed. Thinking that he'd wake up his wife, he said to himself, "Dammit to hell...I know...I'll just sleep on the couch tonight".

He made it back to the stairs once again and, like before, didn't know how to go down the stairs without falling and waking up his wife. Given time, he found a way...he dropped to his ass and scooted down the stairs. One thing led to another, and the man made it to the sofa and fell asleep.

His wife woke him up the next day. Man, she was indeed pissed! "You were at the bar again last night, weren't you, Bill?!" Having a helluva hangover, the man replied,"yeah...I admit it...I was...but how did you find out?"The woman said, in disgust, "Well, Rob, the bartender, called here this morning. He told me that you left your wheelchair there again!"

A man and a woman were having sex one night when their 5-year old daughter ran into the room. She said, in her childish voice, "Mommy! Daddy! There's a monster...ewww! What are you two doing?" The dad looked quite paranoid and didn't know what to say, so he looked at his wife, hoping that she had an answer to tell the girl. The wife was in heat...she looked at the girl and blurted out, "we're...baking a cake". The girl said, in her childish voice, "Neat! Can I help?" The woman replied, "No...just go back to bed". The girl eventually went back to bed and the parents continued to have sex.

The next week, the couple were watching t.v. when their daughter walked into the room. She said, in her childish voice, "What were you two doing last night?" (In case you wanna know, they were having sex...you can't just tell a little girl that!) Out of confusion, both parents looked at each other, turned to the girl and said, "Nothing, dear". The little girl replied, in her childish voice, "Huh uhh! You two were baking a cake again last night! And I know 'cause I licked the icing off the sheets!"

It was the last day of school and the second graders were giving their teacher gifts. The florist's son handed the teacher a package. The teacher held the package over her head, lightly shook the box and told the boy, "Is it a boquet of flowers?" The boy replied, "Yeah, but how did you know?" The teacher reported, "Just a hunch".

Next, the candy shoppe's daughter approached the teacher and handed her a package. Again, the teacher held the package over her head, shook the box, and stated that it was a box of sweets. "You're right...but how did'ja know?" The teacher said, "Oh, just a shot in the dark."

Then the liquor shoppe's son walked up to the teacher and handed her a package. The teacher held the package over her head and lightly shook it. Suddenly, the package started to leak. The teacher ran her index finger through the moisture and licked her finger dry. The substance tasted weird. "Is it beer?" the teacher asked. The boy grinned and said "Nope!" The teacher ran her index finger through the moisture again to get another taste. "Is it wine?" The boy said again "Nope!" The teacher was burning with curiosity. She took her toungue and made physical contact with the moisture to get one last taste. "I know! Is it Schnnap's?" The boy giggled and said "Nope!" The teacher sighed and said, "I give up...what is it?" And the boy proclaimed, in a very proud voice, "It's a puppy!"

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, with a li'l surprise at the end.

Jack was climbing up the beanstalk when he came to the first of 4 (yes, count them - 4) clouds. On the first one, Jack saw an attractive woman. She looked at Jack and said, softly, "If I'm not pretty enough, please climb the ladder to sucess". Jack's first reaction was, "Hey! I'm not here to pick up ladies", so he ignored her and continued climbing.

Shortly afterward, Jack came across the second of the 4 (Yes - there are 4) clouds. On this cloud, he spots an even more beautiful woman. She glances at him and says, in a stuck-up voice, "Huh, if I'm not pretty enough for you, you can just get your tight white ass up the ladder to sucess". Jack's first reaction? "Huh, bitch". He ignored her and continued his quest to reach the top.

Some time later, Jack came upon the third of the four (There are 4) clouds. On this cloud, Jack sees a gorgeous, perfect, down-right, absolutely beautiful woman. She gazes into his eyes and says, in a soft, delicate (almost unaudiable) voice, "If I'm not pretty enough, please climb the ladder to sucess". There was only one thing plaguing Jack's mind right now - "Let's see...The first cloud had a very attractive woman...the second cloud had a beautiful woman...and the third - WOW!" So he decides to take his chances with the forth cloud. Jack also ignores her and concludes his journey.

Well, on the forth of the four (Yeah - I said 4) clouds, Jack spots a fat, hairy, ugly guy sitting in a chair. Jack was pissed! "Who in the hell are YOU??!" screiked Jack. The man only replied, "My name is Sess", and a big grin came upon his face...

...get it? Climb the ladder to 'suck Sess'!

A man and his wife stoped in front of a wishing well. The man threw in a penny and, to himself, made a wish. The woman mirrored her husband's actions, but she leaned over just a little too far and fell in the well.

The husband stood there, in front of the well, shocked, for about 10 minutes. Then, all of a sudden, the man raised his eyes to the heavens and shouted out, "Wow! It really worked!!"

An old woman wanted to make a cherry pie for her 3 grandchildren (2 girls and a boy). She goes to the store and spends all of her money on ingredients, all except for cherries because she thought that she already had them at her house. She arrived home just to find out that she didn't have any. So, ironically, she takes the B.B.'s out of her grandson's B.B. gun and makes a pie out of those, hoping that the kids wouldn't notice.

Later that night, her grandkids devoured their dinner and ate the B.B. pie as dessert. The kids didn't notice anything. Afterward, they all went to their rooms to sleep.

20 minutes later, the woman heard a scream come from the bathroom. It was the youngest girl. The woman asked her what the problem was. The girl responded by saying, "I tried to pee but I started to pee out B.B.'s". The woman told the girl to close her eyes and relax - the pain will eventually go away. Well, the girl finished, then she went back into her room to go back to sleep.

10 minutes later, the woman heard another scream come from the bathroom. This time, it was the oldest girl. The woman asked her what the problem was. The girl responded by saying, "I tried to pee but I started to pee out B.B.'s". The woman told the girl to close her eyes and relax - the pain will eventually go away. Once again, the girl finished, then she went back into her room to go back to sleep.

About 5 minutes later, the woman heard a cry coming straight from the boy's bedroom. The woman ran into the room to see what the problem was. "What's wrong, honey? Are you ok??" The boy replied, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed. The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.

The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'" His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it !!!"

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

The Washington Hillbillies
(Sung to the 'Beverly Hillbillies' melody)

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still
Den one day he was workin' at his desk
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess
And you're invited here to dis fine locality
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's

Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear

So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary

Why A Man Can't Win
Women, rejoyce!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "Be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across. The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and the man rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke