This is the story about a child who has lived to tell many tales about himself. He has been through many times of fear, sorrow, despair and misery. He has experienced pain in its many forms; His whole destany was stolen from him by the utterly cold hands of Fate...He is still searching for the burning answers... He lives in a state of reality that no one understands...
...this sounds a li'l too wordy, huh? Sorry.
Actually, I only written this because I feel that I have lived a very interesting life. So, for no apparent reason, I'm writing this li'l story.
My life hasn't been anything even close to perfect. I was always a depressed kid. There were times in my life where I felt that life itself had no point...times that I felt no love or sympathy for anyone...even myself. I always felt alone.
"Screaming at the window
Watch me die another day
Hopeless situation
Endless price I have to pay"
When I was about 8 years old, I attempted something that I attempted many times later: suicide. At that time, it felt to me that I wasn't being loved...I was so confused. I wanted life no longer...I took a pillow off my bed and held it tightly against my mouth and nostrils. I almost suceeded in my deed - no one was there to stop me - but, as I was becoming unconscious, the pillow dropped from my hands and fell to the floor.
"Sanaty now it's beyond me
There's no choice"
Believe this or not, I led a rather decent childhood. I admit that my childhood was a very sorrowful time for me, but the everyday pains of life didn't affect me until I was 13. It was at that age where the stone-cold hand of Reality smacked me in the face. It left an emotional scar that will never go away (I'm still picking at the scab).
"Diary of a madman
Walk the line again today
Entries of confusion
Dear diary, I'm here to stay"
I was never really popular in school...y'see, to be 'popular' in Wellston, Ohio, you have to be atheletic, or chock full of school pride...you have to think highly of yourself...you have to hang around with conceited people...hell with that shit. I wanted to be sincere...to be loved for who I was...to be myself...unfortunately, society cares less about my existance. I could die tonight, and the only people who would even shed a tear would be my family and friends. Society cares none for me.
"Maniac depression befriends me
Hear his voice
Sanity now it's beyond me
There's no choice"
Why am I given these problems? Why do I have to carry another person's burdens? I can't always tolerate my own...but I try...
"Sickened mind and spirit
The mirror tells me lies
Could I mistake myself for someone
Who lives behind my eyes?
Will he excape my soul
Or will he live in me?
Is he tryin' to get out
Or tryin' to enter me?"
I am not a normal person. I have visural and hearing disorders...I have a back disorder (I now use a cane)...nervous disorder...mind disorder...and, to top that, I have a disease known as Nerofibromatosis Type 2 (NF2)...I have my reasons to be depressed.
"Voices in the darkness
Scream away my mental health
Can I ask a question
To help me save me from myself?"
To my friends: I always think about you and you know I love you...To my family: I sincerely appreciate everything that you have done for me (even though I haven't been extremely nice to you)...To the rest of society: no, I am not Satanic, but you can think of me in any way that makes your black hearts happy...If there really is a hell, I'll see you all there.
"Enemies fill up the pages
Are they me?
Monday 'til Sunday in stages
Set me free!"
Click here to see a timeline of my past
"Diary of a Madman" lyrics by Ozzy Osbourne
COPYRIGHT 1981
"....and they lived happily ever after..." bullshit!