PART 5
Chris caught up to Josiah and Vin as they reached the base of a series of hills. The fleeing outlaws were nowhere in sight and Chris figured they'd taken the obvious route into the rocky terrain. He fired a warning shot to get their attention and motioned his friends back. He knew Vin would want to keep tracking until he found them, but Ezra had been shot and Chris had no idea how badly. Besides, they already had what they'd come for.
"Let 'em go. Ezra's hurt."
Josiah's eyes narrowed in concern. "Bad?"
Chris shook his head. "Don't know, he was hit high in the side. Figure we need to get him back to town by nightfall."
"What about Foxx?" Vin said, his eyes still scanning the hills above them.
"He's dead. J.D. got 'im."
Chris didn't let any emotion creep into his voice, but truth be told he was damn proud of the boy. He'd shot the outlaw in defense of himself and his friends, not out of hatred that would tear him apart later.
A burst of gunfire from the direction of the Foxx's camp turned his blood cold and he immediately spurred his mount into a run. Chris silently cursed himself for not making sure those bodies weren't still breathing, for making sure there wasn't a straggler left hiding in the brush. He'd checked, accounted for all the men he'd seen, but in his haste he'd obviously let himself be fooled. He should have told J.D. to keep a look out, something he'd taken for granted that the young man would always do. Except J.D. wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the moment. Pain and fatigue would rear its ugly head as soon as the rush of battle wore off. Chris should have reminded him to keep his guard up. Should have done a lot of things he hadn't, and now he might have left Ezra and J.D. behind to be slaughtered.
Chris pulled his horse up short and dismounted quickly when he reached the campsite. Ezra lay in the shade where he'd been dragged, his glazed eyes wide and vacant as he absently cupped his bloody hand against his side. Josiah dropped to his knees beside the gambler and peeled back his shirt.
The dread that had been building dropped like an anvil as he caught a glimpse of J.D.'s still form curled on his side in the dirt. Ethan Foxx lay a few feet away, fresh bullet wounds draining away any life the outlaw might have had left. Chris made his way to J.D., praying furiously that the boy was still alive.
He knelt beside the young man, rolling him onto his back and exhaling a deep sigh of relief at the steady pulse beneath his fingers. Sweat and blood formed a sticky paste in J.D.'s dark hair and Chris carefully moved it away from the kid's swollen eye to get a better look at the damage beneath. J.D. gasped and tried to pull away.
"It's all right." Chris whispered as he continued to gently probe the gash around J.D.'s temple.
"Chris?"
Larabee looked into Vin's questioning face as the tracker finished nudging Foxx's limp body with the toe of his boot.
"I don't know, help me get him in the shade." Chris moved behind J.D., gripping his shoulders while Vin hooked a hand under each knee and they lifted him off the ground. J.D. moaned loudly and began to struggle against their hold.
"We got ya, kid. You ain't gonna fall," Vin said as he held on firmly to his friend's thrashing legs.
"Just take it easy, J.D." Chris pulled him tighter against his chest, wanting J.D. to know that he didn't have to fight anymore. The message either got through or the kid ran out of energy and Larabee felt him relax. "That's it, you're all right."
An uneasy feeling replaced his earlier panic and he suddenly wanted to be far away from this place. He helped Vin lower J.D. to the ground near Ezra and glanced at Josiah. "How's he doin'?"
Josiah's head rolled up to look at Chris, his eyes forming his own questions when he saw J.D. "Don't look too bad. The bullet went clean through."
Nodding, Chris stood, his eyes scanning the tree line before falling on Vin's steely gaze.
"Find the horses and keep your eyes open." Chris told him.
"I always do." The sharpshooter cradled his gun in both hands and walked back toward Foxx's body.
That Chris never doubted. Tanner didn't assume anything, unlike himself. He knew he'd been running on precious little sleep and a hell of a lot of guilt since yesterday. He'd let his feelings interfere with his judgment. Of course he wouldn't dare admit that to anyone. Hell, Buck was the one he talked to anyway, the one who knew all the secrets he tried so desperately to hide from the rest of the world. Buck would forgive him, but Larabee knew he could never forgive himself. Especially if Buck died.
And now his lack of insight had almost gotten J.D. killed too. The only thing that his old friend would never pardon him for and the one thing he wasn't sure Buck would be able to recover from.
Josiah finished tying off the bandage around Ezra's wound, still soothing him quietly.
"He gonna be able to ride?" Chris nodded toward the gambler as he untied his own bandana and soaked it with water from the canteen Josiah handed to him.
"I think so. He should be all right once we get him back to Nathan."
"You, sir…are not…the one spilling your life's…blood onto expensive silk." Ezra spoke haltingly through clenched teeth, his eyes finally opening to see J.D.'s battered form. "Good Lord…what happened?"
"Not sure, but it looks like Ethan Foxx wasn't so dead after all." Chris pushed the wet cloth against the gash on J.D.'s head. He let out a short yelp and raised his fists to strike.
"Whoa, hold on, son." Josiah grabbed the kid's swinging hands and pushed them against his chest. "Settle down."
J.D. regained his composure quickly and struggled to get up, shaking off Josiah's hold and stiffly sitting upright. He looked momentarily confused before his expression turned to panic. "Ezra?"
Standish grimaced as he raised up to look at J.D. He teetered unsteadily for a few seconds, the effort making beads of sweat pop out on his upper lip and his face turn sallow. "I'm quite all right, J.D."
"Rest easy, Ezra." Josiah said softly as he pushed him back onto the ground. "What happened, J.D.?"
Chris held onto J.D.'s shoulder, afraid the kid would topple over if he let go. At least Josiah had finally asked the question screaming in his mind.
J.D. hesitated, then wiped gingerly at his wounded eye. "I let him get the jump on me." His words were barely audible, but the grief and disappointment behind them spoke so loud and clear that Chris flinched.
"No, I should have made sure…" the words died on Chris' lips. He didn't want to take over the blame that J.D. shouldered, didn't want to trivialize the young man's pain. There'd be time to explain when he was ready to listen. "It wasn't your fault, J.D. Trust me."
*******
J.D. didn't have an inkling what Chris was talking about. Then again, why should anything make sense anymore? Chaos and pain had been his bosom buddies lately. Everything meshed together in his swirling brain until it made him nauseous. The haunting sound of gunfire still rang in his ears and the persistent throbbing in his head made it impossible to make sense of his thoughts. Except for one.
Buck.
And the overwhelming need to get back to him.
Agony throbbed through every inch of his body as he struggled to his feet, allowing his friends to help him up.
"J.D." Josiah's voice carried a concerned warning as he continued to support J.D.'s arm while the young gunslinger concentrated on controlling his wobbly limbs.
J.D. ignored the disapproving looks and scooped his hat from the dirt. "I gotta get back." He heard the tremor in his voice, but he lacked the strength to control it. Dizziness almost overwhelmed him and he staggered a few steps before Chris broke his fall.
"Just sit down. As soon as we get Ezra ready to travel, we'll all go."
Urgency shook J.D. from the inside out. A persistent voice inside his head screamed at him, told him he didn't have time to wait. Despite his exhaustion, despite the protest of his aching body, he had to get back on his horse and ride home. Before it was too late.
J.D. turned to Ezra, silently begging his friend for his blessing to leave. Standish apparently understood the plea in J.D.'s eyes and smiled faintly. "J.D., I insist you ride ahead. Perhaps you could arrange to have my room ready and a bottle of good brandy waiting when I arrive?"
J.D. felt the weight of guilt lift from his chest and he released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Sure, Ezra. Thank you."
"Josiah, you and Vin get him into town as soon as you can. I'll ride with J.D."
Josiah nodded quietly. Despite his condition, J.D. started to protest that he didn't need company, but he quickly changed his mind. Not only was the idea appealing, but he also had no right to stop Chris, either. Just in case.
Fear rose in his throat again as he thought of losing Buck. To have known someone such a short time, the man had already impacted J.D.'s life forever. He wanted to believe Buck already knew, but J.D. still needed to tell him. Needed to let Buck know how much he meant to him, how much he'd learned from him…and how much he loved him.
J.D. made his way to the horses Vin had gathered, and gingerly mounted his bay. His physical pain overshadowed by the growing grief in his heart. He couldn't lose Buck. Not when he'd found the older brother, father and best friend he'd craved his whole life in one remarkable man. Tears blurred his vision as he urged his gelding onward, unaware if Larabee was ready or not. It didn't matter. He'd catch up, but J.D. couldn't sit still another minute when that minute might mean the difference between seeing Buck one last time or being forever too late.
Fear quivered in his belly and he dug his heels into his horse's flank until the animal ran like the hounds of hell were on his tail. One goal. One purpose. No time.
*******
Chris hurriedly shouted out a few instructions to Josiah before spurring his horse after J.D. The kid was turning into a blurry shadow in front of him and he knew the damn fool would exhaust his horse before he reached the halfway mark if he kept it up. He understood J.D.'s motivation, because it burned deep inside of him too. A need to make things right with the best friend he'd ever had. A need to ask his forgiveness and to thank Buck for all the times the good-hearted gunslinger should have put a bullet in his stubborn backside instead of coming to his defense.
He could see J.D. a few yards ahead and the thought crossed his mind to pull out his gun and take a wide shot at the contrary little runt to get his attention. Instead he hunkered down in the saddle and raced closer. If J.D. had been in top form Chris knew there would have been no chance on earth of catching up with him, but with bruised ribs and an open wound on his skull, the kid was already slowing down.
"J.D.! Pull up!" Chris shouted over the thundering of hooves.
Apparently the kid finally heard him and he eased to a steady walk. Both horses snorting and heaving from the unexpected gallop.
"What were you trying to do? Kill your horse because you're in a such a damn hurry?" Chris couldn't stop the frustration straining his voice.
J.D. didn't answer or look up. He kept his chin tucked into his chest as he held one arm protectively around his damaged ribs. Larabee could see the rivulets of sweat matting the dark hair to the young man's neck and worried that J.D. might just drop right out of the saddle.
"You need to slow down. For everybody's sake." His tone grew softer.
Chris didn't want to tell him that it might already be too late. That one more minute, one more hour or one more day wouldn't make a bit of difference. But he couldn't take away J.D.'s hope. Not when it was the only thing keeping him going right now.
J.D. nodded and urged his gelding forward into a fast walk. Chris rode beside him. Guilt and shame radiated from the boy's slumped shoulders until Chris could hold his tongue no longer.
"You did good back there, J.D. Ain't no shame in defending yourself or your friends."
Chris could see the young man's muscles tense through the thin fabric of his shirt and wondered if there were a few things J.D. had neglected to tell him.
"I guess." J.D. straightened up slightly, but his frame remained rigid.
"Killing ain't never the same close up. Even when you have to."
"Didn't have to." J.D. whispered, still staring straight between his horse's ears. " I wanted to."
A chill ran down the gunslinger's back. No words formed in his mind to counter J.D.'s confession and the air hung heavy with silence.
J.D. turned to look at Chris, his eyes clouded with worry and exhaustion. "I thought it would feel good. Shooting the man who hurt Buck seemed like the only thing I wanted, the only thing that would take away this hole eating through my gut. Now that hole's just bigger."
"No sense regrettin' something that needed to be done. And if ridding the world of a cold-blooded killer is the worst thing you ever do in life, J.D., nobody'll think any less of you."
"I don't regret it. I'd rather feel like this the rest of my life than know he'd hurt one more person because I didn't kill him when I had the chance." J.D. paused and looked away again. "I don't care what nobody else thinks. I just don't want…I don't want Buck to be ashamed of me."
J.D.'s fragile voice tore through the uncomfortable quiet and settled in Chris' heart.
"I've known Buck a long time, since we were both just wet behind the ears boys who made every mistake there was to make at least once. Sometimes twice in one day." Chris grinned slightly at the memories. "Ain't nothing you did back there that would make him ashamed of you. I can guarantee you that."
"No, he'll just tell me what a bone-headed, idiotic stunt I pulled and then kick my butt clear to Texas if I ever think of doing something that stupid ever again." J.D. let out a defeated chuckle.
"Prob'ly. Course he used to ride me like a new saddle too. Until he figured out I wasn't listening no more. Guess he thinks he still has a chance to make a difference with you."
J.D. stopped and stared at him. Larabee felt a stab of dread at what he'd begun. He never had any trouble speaking his mind, but rarely did he speak his heart. He didn't really want to start now, except he could tell that J.D. needed him to talk, needed his reassurance to help lift the burden he carried squarely on his shoulders.
"It ain't no secret how he feels about you, J.D. I ain't never seen him so attached to anybody, not even Adam…" Chris let his words trail as he fought back the emotion swelling in his throat. "Buck's always loyal to a fault, always been more than willing to jump in a fight when he thinks somebody's being taken advantage of or hurt. Especially if he calls you a friend. But you're more than that, J.D. You're his family. That's why he rides you so hard, tries to protect you, even when you don't think you need protecting."
"I stopped needing a nursemaid a long time ago. I ain't nearly so young and innocent as you guys want to think." J.D. whispered, turning away from Chris and kicking his horse forward.
Chris reached out and grabbed the reins of J.D.'s bay, his voice growing stern. "You're right. You're not innocent, J.D. You're not a child anymore, but you do still believe in right over wrong, in dreams and loyalty and friendship…even love. Beliefs most men out here never make it through the first part of their lives keeping a firm grip on."
J.D. leaned toward Larabee, his eyes swimming with anger and confusion as he jerked the leather out of Chris' grip. "I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore."
"I hope that's not true, son. Because as terrified as Buck is of losing you to a bullet or to your own stupidity, he's even more afraid of you losing your soul to hatred. He might never admit it, but he's scared. Scared you'll turn into…into me."
