Carter vs. Clinton

Jimmy Carter had a nicer wife,
A smarter baby brother,
A less frightening mom,
And a...No, we can't bring ourselves to make fun of the first daughter, especially since some of us have been going through an awkward adolescent stage for nearly four decades. But we can say: "Darn it, Hillary, quit fussing with your hair and do something about Chelsea's."
And, speaking of coiffures, Jimmy Carter never in his life got a haircut that cost more than $2.50, if appearances are anything to go by.
Carter had governed a more important state.
Carter had once held a job.
He came from a more cosmopolitan hometown,
And had a more charismatic vice president.
It took Carter months to wreck the economy.
It took Carter weeks to become a national laughingstock.
Carter committed adultery only in his heart.
And, if we know anything about female tastes, Carter was telling the truth about that.
As for military record, Carter was, comparatively speaking, a regular Audie Murphy.
They were on drugs during the Carter administration--they had an excuse.
We were on drugs during the Carter administration--we had an excuse.
Carter looked--think back carefully, we promise we're telling the truth about this--less foolish in his jogging outfit.
Jogging actually worked for Carter. Say what you want against the man, he's no double-butt.

Carter passed out while jogging and the nation was safe for a moment.

Compare and Contrast
Carter Administration Clinton Administration
Pardoning Draft Dodgers Draft Dodgers
Women integrated into the military Men dressed like women integrated into the military
Return of canal to Panama Return of Haitians to Haiti
Bail-out of Chrysler Corp. Jobs in the White House travel office for hick cousins from Arkansas
Creation of Departments of Energy and Education Can't find enough gay disabled women of color to head Departments he's got already
President successfully treated for hemorrhoids Hillary still heading health-care reform panel
Russians in Afghanistan Brit Hume in White House press corps
Jody Powell with feet on desk George Stephanopoulos with feet not quite touching floor
Kidding Mexicans about Montezuma's revenge Kidding Mexicans about NAFTA
Boycott of Moscow Olympics Not seeing much of the Bloodworth-Thomasons lately
Hostage rescue attempt in Iran Trying to get Zoe Baird confirmed at Justice
Mount St. Helens Air Force General Harold Campbell
Peace between Israel and Egypt Peace between the FBI and IRS
Elvis dead Barbra Streisand all too lively
SALT II U2
Three Mile Island Sam Nunn
Admiral Hyman Rickover The Tidybowl Man
Wimping out in the face of the second most powerful military force in the world Wimping out in the face of Slobodan Milosevic
Gas shortage Gassiest administration since who knows when
Mariel Boatlift Which one is she? Does Hillary know about this one?
Proposition 13 (Fill in your own Clinton libido joke here)

Carter was a good man to have on board when your canoe was attacked by a swimming rabbit.
Carter hardly ever hugged or kissed anyone in public except Leonid Brezhnev.
The FBI didn't kill anybody at Jonestown.
Bert Lance could make a bigger splash doing a cannonball into the Camp David pool than Webb Hubbell.
Hamilton Jordan could beat Mack McLarty at arm wrestling.
Plus Jordan could get into Studio 54.
Joseph Califano was prettier than Donna Shalala.
And he opposed abortion (though maybe he hadn't met Donna yet).
Warren Christopher was young and full of pep during the Carter administration.
And Warren Christopher's initials look funnier on a brief case than Cyrus Vance's did.
Zbigniew Brzezinski is worth more points in a Scrabble game than Anthony Lake.
Jimmy Carter didn't play any Fleetwood Mac songs on the campaign trail,
Or any Judy Collins records at home,
Or any saxophones anywhere.

The Undead
Carter Administration Clinton Administration
Miss Lillian VAT
No one can say a word against a Carter Supreme Court appointee.
Carter did not use Bloomsbury, Mayfair, Pall Mall, Hackney, Notting Hill, Shoreditch, or any other London neighborhood as the name of his child.
One thing about Carter-era inflation, the money may have been worthless but at least we had some.

Endangered Species
Carter Administration Clinton Administration
The Snail Darter The DLC

Compare and Contrast
Carter Administration	Clinton Administration
Pardoning Draft Dodgers	Draft Dodgers
Women integrated into the military	Men dressed like women integrated into the military
Return of canal to Panama	Return of Haitians to Haiti
Bail-out of Chrysler Corp.	Jobs in the White House travel office for hick cousins from Arkansas
Creation of Departments of Energy and Education	Can't find enough gay disabled women of color to head Departments he's got already
President successfully treated for hemorrhoids	Hillary still heading health-care reform panel
Russians in Afghanistan	Brit Hume in White House press corps
Jody Powell with feet on desk	George Stephanopoulos with feet not quite touching floor
Kidding Mexicans about Montezuma's revenge	Kidding Mexicans about NAFTA
Boycott of Moscow Olympics	Not seeing much of the Bloodworth-Thomasons lately
Hostage rescue attempt in Iran	Trying to get Zoe Baird confirmed at Justice
Mount St. Helens	Air Force General Harold Campbell
Peace between Israel and Egypt	Peace between the FBI and IRS
Elvis dead	Barbra Streisand all too lively
SALT II	U2
Three Mile Island	Sam Nunn
Admiral Hyman Rickover	The Tidybowl Man
Wimping out in the face of the second most powerful military force in the world	Wimping out in the face of Slobodan Milosevic
Gas shortage	Gassiest administration since who knows when
Mariel Boatlift	Which one is she? Does Hillary know about this one?
Proposition 13	(Fill in your own Clinton libido joke here)

The Undead
Carter Administration	Clinton Administration
Miss Lillian	VAT

Endangered Species
Carter Administration	Clinton Administration
The Snail Darter	The DLC

Jimmy Carter's nervous smirk was less demanding of a punch in the snoot, even if it did present a larger target.

Major Foreign Policy Questions
Carter Administration Clinton Administration
Should Red China have a seat in the UN? Is Macedonia what Macedonia is supposed to be called?
Does Nicaragua have strategic importance? Is it "Ukraine" or "The Ukraine" ?
What type of relationship with Israel best serves America's interests? If those guys are so Jewish, how come they aren't on the staff of Tikkun?
Is it time for America to relinquish its global leadership role? Should Chelsea go to Japan with Bill and Hillary?
Would economic sanctions on South Africa be effective? How about economic sanctions on white males right here in the USA?
Should we sell wheat to Russia? Let's just give them a bunch of money.
Is deployment of the neutron bomb immoral? Does appointing Jean Kennedy Smith ambassador to Ireland put the Kennedys in their place or what?

Major Foreign Policy Questions
Carter Administration	Clinton Administration
Should Red China have a seat in the UN?	Is Macedonia what Macedonia is supposed to be called?
Does Nicaragua have strategic importance?	Is it "Ukraine" or "The Ukraine" ?
What type of relationship with Israel best serves America's interests?	If those guys are so Jewish, how come they aren't on the staff of Tikkun?
Is it time for America to relinquish its global leadership role?	Should Chelsea go to Japan with Bill and Hillary?
Would economic sanctions on South Africa be effective?	How about economic sanctions on white males right here in the USA?
Should we sell wheat to Russia?	Let's just give them a bunch of money.
Is deployment of the neutron bomb immoral?	Does appointing Jean Kennedy Smith ambassador to Ireland put the Kennedys in their place or what?

Language Which The President Would Not Shut Up In
Carter Clinton
Spanish English

Language Which The President Would Not Shut Up In
Carter	Clinton
Spanish	English

Navy football team can whip Oxford's.

World View
What Ideas Loom Inside Their Respective Thick Skulls?
Carter Clinton
Human rights Partnership role for the First Lady
Moral equivalent of war Partnership role for the First Lady
National malaise More mayonnaise
Diminished expectations David Gergen

Carter did not, as part of focusing on his agenda, address himself as "Stupid." He let us do that for him.

World View What Ideas Loom Inside Their Respective Thick Skulls?
Carter	Clinton
Human rights	Partnership role for the First Lady
Moral equivalent of war	Partnership role for the First Lady
National malaise	More mayonnaise
Diminished expectations	David Gergen

Carter wore real blue jeans and not the Levi's 550 roomy-in-the-buns kind.

Compare and Contrast II
Carter Administration Clinton Administration
Mork and Mindy Mary Matalin and James Carville
Laverne and Shirley Cokie Roberts and Anna Quindlen
The Dukes of Hazard Various half brothers
Three's Company Gennifer Flowers
Happy Days 1980-1992
The Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman Marriage seems stable for the moment, but super powers are fading
WKRP NPR
Star Wars Base closings
Annie Hall Anita Hill
Grease Mousse
Saturday Night Fever Saturday night working late at the OEOB
The Goodbye Girl Kimba Wood
Midnight Express Bus trips
La Cage Aux Folles The Marines
All the President's Men Home Alone II
Abbie Hoffman Socks the cat

Carter's poll ratings were higher (in Iraq).
Carter walked the whole inaugural parade route.
Carter saved America from a plague of Misha the Bear Olympic mascot toys.
Has Bill Clinton helped the Shah of Iran get medical treatment?
Carter spent his time doing things like figuring out the White House tennis court playing schedule--the man knew his intellectual limitations.
Carter had enough clout to get Lani Guinier appointed to the Justice Department (and anyone who gets shot down for holding Menckenish views about the excesses of democracy had to be some kind of friend of ours even if she doesn't know it).
Carter let the Soviets have Angola, Ethiopia, and South Yemen. And, in retrospect, the Soviets deserved no better.
Carter wasn't a throwback to the Carter Era.
And let us not forget that Jimmy Carter gave us one thing Bill Clinton can never possibly give us--Ronald Reagan.

Compare and Contrast II
Carter Administration	Clinton Administration
Mork and Mindy	Mary Matalin and James Carville
Laverne and Shirley	Cokie Roberts and Anna Quindlen
The Dukes of Hazard	Various half brothers
Three's Company	Gennifer Flowers
Happy Days	1980-1992
The Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman	Marriage seems stable for the moment, but super powers are fading
WKRP	NPR
Star Wars	Base closings
Annie Hall	Anita Hill
Grease	Mousse
Saturday Night Fever	Saturday night working late at the OEOB
The Goodbye Girl	Kimba Wood
Midnight Express	Bus trips
La Cage Aux Folles	The Marines
All the President's Men	Home Alone II
Abbie Hoffman	Socks the cat

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