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Top 10 List

By David Scherrey

Why Muslim Suicide Bombers Kill Themselves

1. Rags for cloths and diapers for hats

2. Have to pray to a rock in Mecca, Saudi Arabia

3. Constant wailing 6 times a day from the guy in the tower

4. More than one wife

5. You can't shave

6. Your wives can't shave

7. No Christmas, No cheerleaders, No naked women, No pork BBQ, No NASCAR   

8. Your bride is picked by someone else

9. She smells just like your donkey

10.Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

Really, is there a mystery here?

Thanks For Your Support

Tiger Woods Top Ten

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband? A bitching wedge.

Why was Tiger’s wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in Australia.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.


Golf Rules by Tiger Woods

#1 - Before you ‘hit it’, make sure you’re playing the correct course.

#2 - Be careful who you let handle your balls.

#3 - Don’t ever play the wrong hole.

#4 - Sometimes it’s best to leave the ‘driver’ in the bag.

#5 - Individual stroke play is usually the better choice.

#6 - It takes more then an improved thought process to correct problems with a hooker

#7 - When your balls go out of bounds, expect painful penalty shots

#8 - Be careful!! Stiff shafts can lead to erratic play which then leads to poor decision making.

#9 - Never brag about a ‘good score’. It may come back to haunt you.

#10-The importance of a good lie can not be underestimated.

Top 10 List Tiger Woods

1. I finally out drove Tiger Woods.
2. I guess his wife did not take a mulligan.
3. My theory - he was rushing out at 2:30 AM to get in line at Best Buy to get a great deal on a laptop.
4. Sounds like his wife was pretty “teed off.”
5. His wife may take away his driver now.
6. Sounds like his wife got mad when she found her tiger in another tank.
7. Tiger’s driving hasn’t been the best part of his game recently.
8. Wife thinks he's been plugging more than a fire plug.
9. If he bought the Escalade within the last 60 days, he may still be able to take it back for a refund.



10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "An apple a day.."

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the coveralls you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. Where it says, "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," it’s not a typographical error.

3. The only expense that is 100% covered is "embalming."

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


1. You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Top 10 Reasons The economy is so bad that:

I went to the mailbox last week and got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Yesterday I  ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
I guess your heard that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Did you notice that Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learnt their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh, great!!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Top 10 Why & What

What did Barack Obama ask when he learned that Russia invade Georgia? Is South Carolina next?

What did Obama say when the Reverend Jeremiah Wright asked if he was listening during his sermons? “I’m all ears.”

Why won’t Obama drink Pepsi? He wrote in his book that he prefers Coke.

What does Obama and Osama bin Laden have in common? They’re both friends with terrorists who bombed the Pentagon.

What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common? They both attract young people with mindless verses.

Why did Barry had contact with Communists in his younger years, and continued the relationship. John had contact with Communists for 5 1/2 years as a young man and has a much different impression.

What does terrorist Bill Ayers think of his friend, Barack Obama? He thinks he’s the bomb.

Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? He doesn’t want to be accused of being a racist.

Why is Obama so skinny? Media says he has to stay light on his feet to walk on water.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama? One is a well dressed, attractive piece of eye-candy. The other kills her own food.


* Blank stare.

* Unable to communicate complex thoughts.

* Fits of excitement followed by bouts of depression with no noticeable causes.

* Easily distracted by anything that is shiny or new.

* Defines political beliefs with vague, trite phrases.

* Irrational risk taking with finances.

* Submissive urination.

* Wears winter clothes in the summer.

* Wonders what shoes Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing each day.

* Thinks Bush sets gasoline prices.

* Is still voting for their favorite American Idol.

* Wants to invent a wind-powered kite.

*  Lobotomy marks

Top 10: Things Not To Say When Meeting Her Folks
10. Sure hope your daughter is this good looking when I sober up.

9. It's a funny story how I met your daughter. It all started when I found her phone number on a bathroom wall.

8. Is that your Harley I back into on the driveway?

7. Actually, I think I'm quite mature. Being sexually active since the age of 11 will do that to you.

6. Well now I can see where your daughter gets her looks from. Neverthless, you would really benefit from one of those new anti-wrinkle creams.

5. Julia! I have't seen you since high school! Isn't this funny - first I dated you and now 25 years later, I'm dating your daughter.

4. Don't you worry about a thing sir. I believe in safe sex.

3. No really, you look great! All I'm saying is modern skin creams can work wonders!

2. I just got my license today. You know what they say- the sixth time is a charm.

1. When you date as many tramps as I do it's nice to be going out with a nice girl like your daughter.

Top 10: Things Not To Say During Love-Making
10. "Do you have a magazine or something that I could use to get in the mood?"

9. "What would Dr. Phil do?"

8. "Don't worry about that bump - it's just a rash."

7. "I think the water bed leaking... Oh, this isn't a water bed?"

6. "Don't worry about the dog... he just loves to watch."

5. "There's something I need to tell you... but I think it can wait until we're on The Jerry Springer show."

4. "I do want to make love honey, but everything is just so brand new since the operation."

3. "I think I may have gotten the Vicks VapoRub mixed up with the Petroleum jelly."

2. "Let me ask you a question - Did you have tuna fish for lunch?"

1. "I don't care what I thought before - you're twice as good as your sister."
Top 10: Rejected Olympic Events
10. NBC Olympic theme humming

9. Naked ice-dancing

8. The 3000-meter snowblower race

7. Blind ski-jumping

6. The rock salt driveway sprinkle

5. The two man downhill butt-slide

4. Tag team snowman building

3. Zamboni Racing

2. Naked bobsleding

1. The 4-person, mixed, freestyle butt-grab.
Top 10: Why TV Can Be Better Than A Wife

10. In a few years when a new model comes out, you can buy it and feel great.

9. You never have trouble turning it on.

8. When you finish watching TV, it doesn't want to talk.

7. You are always in control of your TV.

6. The size you buy it at is the size it stays at.

5. Your TV remote control has fewer buttons to push to get things going.

4. TV never seems to have a headache.

3. TV doesn't care what channel you want to watch.

2. Your friends can borrow it and no harm is done.

1. Your TV is not jealous of your radio.


Top 10: Things Men Say + What They Really Mean

10. He says: "My wife doesn't understand me." He means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

9. He says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." He means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

8. He says: "I missed you while you were gone." He means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

7. He says: "Let's take your car." He means: "Mine is full of burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

6. He says: "I do help around the house." He means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

5. He says: "I broke up with her." He means: "She dumped me."

4. He says: "Hey, I've read all the classics." He means: "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

3. He says: "I heard you."  He means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

2. He says: "Will you marry me?" He means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

1. He says: "I don't want to go because I hate shopping." He means: "I don't want to go because I hate sitting outside the dressing room holding your purse for 2 hours."


Top 10: Rejected Titles For Brokeback Mountain

10. Homos On The Range

9. Misfit

8. Blazing Saddles

7. Magnificent Seven Inches

6. Little Big Men

5. The Good, The Bad, And The Big One

4. It's Not Dick and Jane

3. Long Ranger

2. How The West Was Hung

1. Broke My Back Mounting Him


Top 10: Ways To End It With Your Live-In Girlfriend

10. Ask her if your family can move in with you two just for a couple of months.

9. Constantly call her on her cell phone when you're both home. When she answers it, jump up quickly and shout "you've just been punk'd!"

8. Lock your door every time you go through it and tell her the shadow people are following you.

7. Whenever she comes out of the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

6. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

5. Every night before you go to sleep, ask for total silence as you sharpen a dozen knives.

4. Tell her that one of her good friends called a few weeks ago and said that it was really important and that she call her back as soon as possible, but you can't remember who it was.

3. Every morning when you wake up, listen to a few minutes of radio static.

2. Whenever her parents call and ask for her, breathe into the phone for 10 seconds then hang up.

1. Whenever you're on the phone and she walks in, hang up immediately and say it was the wrong number. Top


10: Worst Pickup Lines Ever

10. I'm a virgin, so you don't have to worry about catching anything.

9. Baby, when you walked in the door, I damn near grew a third leg.

8. Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?

7. Your butt is so nice it's just a shame you have to sit on it.

6. You look like a hooker I once knew in Reno.

5. I’m here - what were your other two wishes?

4. My name is Bill and I'm conducting a poll... in my pants.

3. I've had quite a bit to drink and you're beginning to look pretty good.

2. How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?"

1. Can I have your phone number after we have sex?


Top 10: Things Santa Clause Would Never Say

10. This kid just peed - get him off my knee!

9. No second helpings for me - I'm trying out that new South Beach Diet.

8. Off my lap, Fatty.

7. Who wants Rudolph jerky?

6. Hey, kid - them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal.

5. How many times do I have to tell you, Prancer? I don't believe in uninons and I don't believe in health benefits.

4. Stockings aren't the only things I've been nailing in front of the fireplace, Tommy.

3. Damn, O.J. wants new kitchen knives this year.

2. Mrs. Clause, those batteries are for the children's toys!

1. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Sweetheart.

Top 10: Remarks On Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
10. Do the satin panties with the lace trim come in XXXL?

9. Of course Honey, you look just as good as those girls.

8. Hey Jim, what color were her eyes?

7. You'll have to excuse me - I'm going to read the catalogue in the restroom.

6. I could picture my wife wearing that - it just makes me a little nauseous.

5. I'm still trying to figure out what the big secret is.

4. Those girls put their fishnet stockings on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.

3. Sure it looks great but I doubt you could get much yardwork done while wearing that.

2. You are right dear. They were not as attractive as you.

1. Steve, you can call me old fashioned, but I just don't think women should be parading themselves around like objects simply for the amusement... haha just kidding. Now let's watch.
Top 10: Signs You're Dating a Lesbian
10. She starts to email your sister... and stops emailing you.

9. Her walls are filled with posters of Ellen DeGeneres from the 1980's.

8. Her wallet is attached to a long chain in her hip pocket.

7. Her name is Michelle but she only responds to "Butch."

6. At her best friend's wedding, she was the groomsman.

5. She hogs the remote control and flips the channels non-stop.

4. She keeps insisting she's not gay but admits her last three girlfriends were lesbians.

3. Her bedroom looks like an appliance warehouse.

2. She tells you she's into celibacy, after you move in together.

1. Every Friday, she goes to a Lesbian Strip Club.
Top 10: Ungentemanly Quotes
10. Which version of the truth would you like to hear?

9. It is not premarital sex if you don't plan on getting married.

8. Be consistent, but don't do it all the time.

7. I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

6. I'm only superficial on the outside.

5. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

4. Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.

3. Twenty-four hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?

2. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Top 10: Homer Simpson Lines
10. You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

9. When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

8. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

7. Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

6. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers...

5. Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

4. Facts are meaningless. You couldn't use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

3. You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

2. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

1. I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Top 10: Reasons Gay Men Have it Easy
10. You can be late for a football game and still enjoy the halftime show.

9. You won't get sued for telling a dirty joke.

8. You couldn't care less who Angelina Jolie is sleeping with.

7. It's easy for you to express your feelings and thoughts.

6. You don't need a wife to pick out cologne.

5. You can call anyone "Honey".

4. You can flirt with women and not be accused of sexual harassment.

3. Going shopping at the mall is not boring - it's exciting.

2. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

1. You can accidentally go into the wrong washroom and nobody minds.
Top 10: People Who Are 'Stuck on Stupid'
10. The neighbor who leaves his Christmas lights up and lit until mid-March.

9. The guy in a public restroom who sticks his head over an occupied stall to ask for a cigarette.

8. The guy who makes love to his girlfriend for the first time and then asks, "Have you done this with many guys before?"

7. Your Grandfather who thinks a dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

6. Everyone who blamed CBS and Dan Rather during the forged document scandal regarding President Bush's past. The documents may have been forged, but they were accurate.

5. The guy who mistook a tube of superglue for hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.

4. The interns hiding under the desk of Bill Clinton.

3. People who believe Oprah's diet works and that she will never get fat again.

2. All those who believe in grand conspiracy theories, like the New Orlean's levees were bombed.

1. Your boss who tells you that your tissue box featuring Winnie the Pooh and Piglet have been banned from the office in case they offend the Muslim staff.
Top 10: Excuses For Turning Down A Date
10. That sounds great. This will give me a chance to tell you about my thoughts on the Apocalypse. Say, did you know we are in the last days?

9. I would rather not ruin our friendship.

8. My therapist has advised me not to get involved with anyone during anger management sessions.

7. Sorry, can't tonight. I'm watching the Martha Stewart Story on Lifetime channel.

6. My ex just got out of drug rehab and I want to be there for her. You know, in case she wants to give our love a second chance.

5. Sounds Okay. Can Bruce come with us?

4. Tonight's no good. I'm having a wrinkle reduction, skin exfoliation, and micro derm abrasion on my face. I promised myself I wouldn't cancel it this month.

3. Oh sorry, I need to take my dog in to be - uh - neutered.

2. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon is on tonight.

1. I was actually going to do a little Internet research on erectile dysfunction. Maybe after that? Top 10:
Things Never To Say To Your Wife
10. I'm not saying that you look so much like my mom but you definitely act like her.

9. I wasn't really laughing... just thinking how you would look in that bikini.

8. I'm going out to wash the car - why don't you do the laundry?

7. You're canceling on me again? Let me guess -- you have a headache, right? Or is Dr. Phil on?

6. What a great meal... You know, my mom is a great cook. I'm sure she wouldn't mind giving you a few pointers.

5. Seems like someone forgot to take their medication today.

4. That's a beautiful dress, really - but either it's shrunk or you've got some extra junk in the trunk.

3. Honey, we need to hurry this up -- the Super Bowl starts in 5 minutes. So you wanna do this missionary style or what?

2. How can you be upset about that?!? Now pull yourself together, damnit!

1. The smell doesn't bother me that much, but maybe you could just try a different deodorant.
Top 10: Honest Things Men Don't Say Too Often
10. Sex is not overrated.

9. I was listening to you. It's just that I have other things on my mind and what you're talking about isn't all that important.

8. I don't get it - she's just an overweight, African-American woman with a talk show... why do you like her so much?

7. Should you lose any weight? Maybe just a pound or two.

6. I really don't want to hold you and I don't want to be held. Can't we just go to sleep?

5. You look very good. I mean I've seen better but honestly, you look fine.

4. That movie had too much nudity, but I'm okay with that.

3. Sex is not overrated.

2. Just so you know, I have no intention of going to the mall with you. Not now, not ever. 

1. Odds are we'll be divorced within 6 years - statistically speaking, that is.
Top 10: Quotes From Famous Males
nd we snuck in one female quote but I think you'll like it anyway-

10. Bill Clinton: Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

9. Jim Carey: Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

8. Mike Tyson: You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.

7. George Clooney: Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.

6. Boy George : In the early 80's, I was pretty innocent and confused. I was like Marie Osmond, only with bigger eyelashes.

5. Dennis Miller: I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

4. Steve Martin: I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice.

3. Eminem: I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

2. Nicolas Cage: We've become so glorified in the movie-star system that it's become this artificial royalty. The truth is that we're circus clowns.

1. Angelina Jolie: I need more sex, okay? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world.
Top 10: Ways To Get Thrown Out Of Bed
10. Talk about Michael Jackson as being a role model for your future children.

9. Pull out a used condom and explain to her you have used it six times and it still works.

8. Ask her to put on your mother's nightgown.

7. Talk about your experience in the bedroom, beginning with your first time when you were 32.

6. Tell her to get comfortable while you go to the hardware store to get a new roll of duct tape.

5. Tell her she's about to have the greatest minute-and-a-half of her life.

4. Explain the troubles you have been experiencing since your recent operation and show her the pictures.

3. Start crying and tell her she reminds you of Kate Winslet in Titanic.

2. Tell her you hope she is as good as her sister.

1. Ask her to join you on the sofa - right after she cleans the kitchen.

 Top 10: Why TV Can Be Better Than A Wife
10. In a few years when a new model comes out, you can buy it and feel great.

9. You never have trouble turning it on.

8. When you finish watching TV, it doesn't want to talk.

7. You are always in control of your TV.

6. The size you buy it at is the size it stays at.

5. Your TV remote control has fewer buttons to push to get things going.

4. TV never seems to have a headache.

3. TV doesn't care what channel you want to watch.

2. Your friends can borrow it and no harm is done.

1. Your TV is not jealous of your radio.

Top 10: Signs You've Married A Psyco
10. When she eats an Oreo cookie, she methodically nibbles and says, "you're going down, Whitey."

9. When she took my temperature with a rectal thermometer, she giggled uncontrollably and dropped her digital camera.

8. She told me I stole her heart but not to worry - she has three more in her mothers freezer.

7. She says she likes people who appreciate catheters.

6. She sticks her finger in an electrical outlet and claims that it helps her with her therapy.

5. I caught her with the lawn mower in the house yesterday. All she could say was "the carpet is getting too high."

4. When she dresses or undresses, she turns off the televisions so no one will see her.

3. She called me at work and said our dog had fallen into the pool and drowned. I found him with a  brick tied around his neck.

2. Each Sunday, she takes flowers to the cemetery to put on her mother's grave. Her mother is not dead.

1. She wears a tin foil hat to keep voices from entering her head.
Top 10: Predictions For The Future
10. In 2016, Donald Trump will become president and will rename the White House "Trump Washington."

9. In 2050, Afghanistan will become the 51st state.

8. In 2014, and the Democratic party will start a new party called the Communist party.

7. In 2009, Sean "Puffy", "P. Diddy", "Puff Daddy", "P. Daddy"... ah, who the hell cares...

6. In 2020, Starbucks will open its 10,000th location, on Mars.

5. In 2008, Michael Jackson will release his new hit single called Don't Let your Son go Down on Me.

4. In 2015, Rosie O'Donnell will only weigh 130 pounds. Just joking!

3. In 2010 Osama bin Laden, long thought to have been hiding in Pakistan or Afghanistan, is found in the newsroom at CNN.

2. In 2007, the Hippo will finally admit he was never that "hungry, hungry."

1. In 2027, American forces will begin to leave Iraq.
Top 10: Cocktail Party Ice-Breakers
10. Do you know where the restroom is? Those finger foods really did a number on me.

9. If you could murder just one person in this room, who would it be?

8. What was your first sexual experience like?

7. Have you ever sat on a washing machine during the spin cycle?

6. If you got permission from God to commit a sin what would it be?

5. When was the last time you did something kinky for the first time?

4. If a male-friend gave you a new car, what would you give him in return?

3. Getting back to the washing machine, after washing and drying your clothes do you wad or fold?

2. Do you prefer two-ply or four-ply?

1. What kind of mouthwash do you use?

Top 10: Signs Your Blind Date Won't Work Out
10. She's bald and tells you it's only temporary. She cut it as a precaution because of her sudden lice-infestation.

9. Her beard is heavier than yours.

8. You're the first person she's dated who isn't an extended family members.

7. You pick her up and her dad won't stop hitting on you.

6. She lets you know that she can't stay out late because her lesbian girlfriend is coming over later.

5. She kind of resembles Janet Reno - without makeup.

4. You realize the last woman you dated was her mother.

3. She wants to stop by the hospital and visit her previous date in the isolation ward.

2. She says something about her last blind date becoming a monk.

1. Now that she's pregnant, she wants to settle down with a nice person like you.

Top 10: Cheesiest Pick-up Lines Ever
10. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

9. May I buy you a drink? Or would you just prefer the money later?

8. I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

7. Can I get some fries with that shake?

6. Ya know, that dress looks really nice on you. But how can I talk you out of it?

5. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

4. So do you want to see something really swell?

3. My horse isn't the only thing I ride well.

2. I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

1. It's girls like you who really raise the bar.
Top 10: Things You Wish You Could Say To Her
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an unknown actor with talent.
9. When we're having sex, how about showing some signs your not comatose?
8. Sure I understand what you're saying. But I still think you're full of crap.
7. Thinking that ordering a 'diet' soft drink to go along with two super size hamburgers and fries is 'eating healthy', is silly.
6. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

5. You're looking puffy today. Is somebody retaining water again?
4. While I'm golfing today, why don't you hop on the stationary bike and burn a few calories.
3. Where did you learn how to cook? At the Salmonella Grill?
2. Remember when we were dating, I said that I wanted to wake up next to you forever? Well, that was back before I had woken up next to you even once.
1. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Top 10: Courses That Universities Should Offer
10. "Comparative History of Penthouse and Playboy magazine," which compares the pinups from the United States, Italy, and Denmark.
9. "The Philosophy of Golf,” examines the western philosophy of golf and how one plays 18 holes each day.
8. "Picture Art On The Internet," discusses the nature of x-rated pictures and the ability to download them to your computer.
7. "Comparative History of the NFL and Professional Basketball," gives you the history and rules of each game with requirements of watching at least 4 hours each day.
6. "The Art of Being a Couch Potato," which lets students not only read literature from the latest tennis and golf magazines, but shows them how to manipulate others to bring them food and beverages while they watch NFL football.
5. "Lessons In Love," allows you to bone up on bedroom skills with anatomically correct and lifelike models.
4. "The Art of Poker for the Modern Man," enables you to learn the ways of winning at seven card stud, Texas hold'em and other poker games. This course if offered online as well.
3. "The Psycology of Games on the Internet," teaches you the art of playing 24 hours a day for seven days and still survive.
2. "The Art of Feminine Dominance," lets you learn to enjoy a dominating wife in the bedroom. Lab work is required.
1. "The Art Of Lust," differentiates love and lust with the help of willing volunteers.
Top 10: Not To Say To Your In-Laws At Dinner
10. Sorry about all the background noise. The black helicopters are flying awfully low these days.

9. Oh my parents? Don't worry, they won't be bothering us. I've made sure of that. Who wants pie?

8. We keep your photo on the mantelpiece just above the fireplace, to keep the kids away from the fire.

7. The only thing worse than your logic are your manners.

6. A lot of people at your age are having face lifts, have you gave it any thought?

5. Would you care to ask your daughter if she would mow the lawn? I think I'm allergic to grass.

4. Hopefully I'll be able to get this county jail ankle bracelet off next month.

3. Have you ever had trouble with your libido? Your daughter's seems to be extremely low.

2. I guess you knew your daughter was bisexual before we got married.

1. I'm quite relieved about my HIV test being negative.

Top 10: Things A Guy Says To End A Relationship
10. You tell her you're thinking about becoming a celibate monk and living in a Tibet monastery.

9.You tell her you're broke from spending too much money on Viagra, now you're hard up.

8. You tell her you're in your sexual peak now and you want to keep those options open.

7. You tell her your psychic looked into your future she wasn't part of it.

6. You tell her your dating history, including your pet goat.

5. Ask her advice on your sex change operation.

4. You ask her if two inches is standard.

3. You tell her she's welcome to spend her Saturday nights watching porno flicks with your buddies.

2. You tell her she reminds you of your former mothers-in-law.

1. Scratch your crotch and tell her you're worried about this rash.

Top 10: Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
10. To match your his 'n hers closets, you have his 'n hers bedrooms.

9. Your wife watches the TV show "Divorce Court" 4 times a day.

8. While getting your oil changed, the service person tells you that your brake line has been cut.

7. Sex nights are scheduled for the first Saturday evening of each month in the commercial between the weather forecast and the late night sports show.

6. You have the local Crisis Center on your speed dial.

5. Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

4. She expresses her concern that the stock market is in trouble and offers to cash out your stocks and transfer the money to her special bank account in Switzerland.

3. She bothers you about not being enough of a risk-taker, and encourages you to look into bungie jumping and snorkling with the sharks.

2. Your wife has commissioned a special painting of you, inside the toilet bowl.

1. She no longer reads novels in bed. Instead she stays up late studying the small print on your life insurance policy.
Top 10: Things She Can Say To End The Date
10. Looking through her purse she says, "Damnit! I'm out of chewing tobacco already."
9. "I'm glad we're going out. I've got 3 kids at home who need a Dad."
8. "You're exactly the kind of guy I would have hung out with back when I was a dude."

7. "You smell kinda wierd for a fat guy."
6. "My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol with penicillin, so I won't be drinking tonight."
5. "My last relationship ended sort of badly, but thankfully the judge ruled it was a justifiable homicide."
4. Scratching her head, she says, "Geez, just when you think the lice is gone for good..."
3. "Did I tell you my Aunt Betty died in this bed?"
2. "I hope you're a better lover than your brother was."
1. "I think being sexually active since I was 11 has helped me mature."
Top 10: Great Things About Being A Guy
10. If you show up at a dinner and meet someone with the same suit on, you just might become lifelong friends.

9. You don't have to shave from the neck down.

8. No need to change your hairstyle as long as your have some up there.

7. You can do your nails with a pocketknife and piece of sandpaper.

6. You can make emergency crotch adjustments anytime and anyplace.

5. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat or back seat and be content.

4. You won't cry and call her a jerk for some unknown reason.

3. You don't get  antagonistic every 28 days.

2. Your mood is the same 365 days a year.

1. You can look like a drugged orangutan when you dance and no one cares.
Top 10: Bedroom Tips From a Drunk Guy
10. "A woman who knows you well will know if you've got other things on your mind while in bed. The way to get around this is to avoid sleeping with women that you know."

9. "Thanking her and leaving a $2 tip on the nightstand can't hurt."

8. "Role playing can be fun, but she drew the line at my impression of a drill seargent."

7. "My wife loves it when I caress her back. Mind you my girlfriend doesn't mind that move either."

6. "Taking off her panties is only good if you know what you're doing. I'm not going to elaborate too much here but trust me- it's not as easy as you might think."

5. "Don't worry about running your fantasies by her beforehand to gauge her reactions. Just spring them on her in bed."

4. "You could spend time kissing her collar bone where her shoulder meets her neck, gently running your fingers along her back, caressing her hips and so on. Then again you'd just waste your valuable time."

3. "Refer back to #6 and really think about this one. I cannot emphasize it enough."

2. "Don't worry about the little things like your breath, your appearance or your general hygene."

1. "I like to start out slow and build up from there... soft touching, smooth carresing, moaning and all. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll get to try it with a partner."
Top 10: Hints That You're A Bad Driver

10. When leaving a bar, your friends hide your keys and call a cab for you, regardless of whether or not your've been drinking.

9. You divide your traffic tickets into two piles – accidental and intentional.

8. You enjoy racing trains through a railroad crossing.

7. You've been in 3 of the last 5 "World's Wildest Police Chases - only on FOX."

6. If you can't avoid a crash, you panic and see how many cars you can take out.

5. You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.

4. The other day, you ran into the garage door - and it was up at the time.

3. Your car insurance rate is higher than your home insurance.

2. You interpret traffic lights as "friendly suggestions"

1. Your parents ask you about "the car accident yesterday" and you ask them to "be more specific."

Top 10: Women To Die For
10. "Remember when you get back from your fishing trip, let me clean the fish and cook them for you. I know you'll be too tired."
9. "If we're not going to make love tonight, then you have to let me watch the NBA basketball finals."
8. "I should have time tomorrow to clean your golf clubs. I don't want you playing in the tournament this weekend with dirty clubs."
7. "Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times. Then you won't have to mess with it anymore."
6. "I love the new lawn mower so much! What a wonderful birthday gift!"
5. "I think it's a good idea for you to play poker on Friday nights with the boys. It'll give me time to clean the house."
4. "I know my parents are in the other room, but I don't care. I want you right now!"
3. "I've had PMS a lot lately so I don't blame you for ignoring me."
2. "I don't need your credit card. I have more money from my inheritance than I could ever spend."
1. "It's only the third quarter. You should order a couple more pitchers. Oh don't worry, I'll buy them for you. Afterall I bought dinner, I may as well pick up the drinks too."

Top 10: Things Women Should Learn About Guys

10. Belching and farting are not actually signs of affection or self-expression in male bonding.

9. It is necassary to adjust your private parts while in public. That's not just a bad habit.

8. Men need to have the last word in any argument. The truth is, anything a man says afterwards is usually the beginning of a new argument.

7. Just because a man lasts more than 10 minutes in bed with you, it doesn't necessarily mean he's thinking of nothing but you.

6. Men really are easily impressed with perky, energetic younger women who laugh at their jokes.

5. No matter what, a man will never respond with a "yes" to the question, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" -- Stop asking!

4. When a woman asks what a man is thinking about and he replies with "nothing," the answer is usually sex or sports.

3. The reason that men keep their hands in their pockets, (refer to #9). Yes ladies, every man does this. As children, we learned that this is a discreet way to do it and we haven't come up with a better one since.

2. You can't actually tell if a man is arroused simply by the fact that he is breathing.

1. When something is not working, it's best to take it to a repair shop. Giving it to your hubby will only make him feel obligated to "fix" it which usually involves taking it apart, down to its most basic components and leaving them scattered around the kitchen table.

 Top 10: Stupid Celebrity Quotes Of 2005
10. "You don’t even know what Ritalin is... you don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do."
-Tom Cruise to Today host Matt Lauer 

9. "Katherine whipped Michael more than I did."
-Joe Jackson, referring to his wife

8. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."
-George W. Bush, Greece, NY, May 24, 2005

7. “This frozen embryo that is in New York is my child waiting to be brought to life.”
-Celine Dion on her desire to expand her family

6. "You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals... many of these people, almost all of them that we see are so poor and they are so black, and this is going to raise lots of questions for people who are watching this story unfold."
-CNN's Wolf Blitzer, on New Orleans' hurricane evacuees, Sept. 1, 2005 

5. “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”
-Kanye West, at a televised benefit show for Katrina victims 

4. "Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well."
-Michael Brown, FEMA Director, Sept. 1, 2005

3. "George Bush hates midgets."
-Comedian Chris Rock, during a subsequent Hurricane Katrina telethon 

2. "I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."
-Drew Barrymore

1. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.
-Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple Computer
Top 10: Unexpected Presidential Announcements
10. "Stephen Colbert will be joining my staff as the new foreign policy speech writer."

9. "After years of devoted service, Vice-President Dick Cheney will be resigning to take over as president of the National Rifle Association."

8. "The Pentagon is to be managed by Dubai Ports International."

7. "Hi, I'm George Bush, and I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

6. "Speaking of a personnel shakeup, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has accepted the job as CEO of Avon."

5. "It's about time I stopped living a lie: My name is George Bush and I'm a Democrat."

4. "I'm proud to announce the appointment of Hillary Clinton to host the Better International Trade Commission Hearing (B.I.T.C.H.)"

3. "As part of a new reality show, I'll be swapping positions with Mexican President Vicente Fox!"

2. "I will now sing the National Anthem in Spanish. It's part of my new 'strategy'."

1. "Osama Bin Laden has been caught. He's been hiding out under a desk at Fox News."


The Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Slogans

10. Barack to the future!

9. Because the whole "slow-witted Texan with a safe-sounding name" thing didn't work out so well.

8.. Face it, America: It's me or the Ice Woman.

7. Once you go Barack, you never go back.

6. Hey, what's the problem? You elected Marion Berry *twice*!

5.. You don't want Hillary between two Bush's.

4. Barack by popular demand

3. The choice is as simple as Barack or white

2. America: Movin' on up!

1. Your last chance for a black president before the country's overrun by Mexicans.

The TOP 10 YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..........

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

7. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

8. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

9. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

10. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

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