1)See, here's the thing about tampons.
2)It's true that they're the greatest thing since sliced bread.
3)Which is a stupid expression, by the way, since sliced bread is really one of humanity's more boring inventions.
4)But tampons are fantastic, and like all fantastic things, they come with a serious warning label.
5)"Using this product may result in death by TSS."
6)Now, not everyone wears tampons to sleep.
7)But I really feel that the sleep factor is half the benefit of tampons.
8)The problem is that wearing a tampon for more than eight hours "increases your risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome".
9)No one really knows what this means, but it sounds bad.
10)So whenever you decide to go to bed you face a dilema involving not only how long you're going to sleep but also how long your current tampon has left on its clock.
11)And if you're running low because the only place to get Natracare organic tampons is half an hour away and you're too lazy to drive all the way there on the off chance that you're going to run out this month, you add a whole new aspect to the nightly dilema.
12)As I faced this very question last night, I remembered something I learned in an astronomy course several years ago.
13)On a list of the top twenty causes of death in the United States, Toxic Shock Syndrome was not one of them.
14)Suicide was, though, and it ranked as the eighth most common cause of death.
15)Murder was the ninth.
16)It turns out that if someone's going to kill you, the odds are it'll be you.
17)On the plus side, at least you'll see it coming.
18)Anyway, I figured if I'm more likely to kill me than TSS is, I might as well live the rest of my days in pad-free comfort.