Notice
"Are you waiting for your face to thaw so you can chew?"
--Jeff
1)Today I turned into a midget.
2)I was walking along, and the ground was getting closer and closer.
3)I noticed this immediately, because I was so bundled up that the ground was one of my only clear views.
4)Kristin says we could have robbed financial institutions without fear today, because all of our identifying features were obscured.
5)Although Geoff teased my about my color coordination.
6)I have about five complete sets of outerwear in my car, and I usually grab whatever's on top.
7)So I had a green overshirt, blue coat, teal ear warmer, purple mittens, and red sunglasses.
8)I didn't even wear my rainbow scarf, which certainly would have added to the image.
9)Anyway, when I realized I was getting shorter I tried to figure out why.
10)I figured it was possible that the whole world was shrinking, but then I realized that didn't make sense.
11)Because if everything was getting smaller at the same rate we wouldn't notice, right? It could be happening now.
12)It is happening now, in reverse. The whole universe is getting bigger as we speak.
13)So I thought maybe it was just the humans that were shrinking, because the trees still looked big.
14)Perhaps it was some cosmic revenge for our hubris. "Your egos are big, so we will make your bodies small!"
15)Several aspects of this possibility immediately presented themselves, since I seemed to be getting shorter pretty quickly.
16)Either we were all going to shrink out of existence at a constant rate, in which case it seemed the end was near,
17)Or we were going to shrink to a certain size and then stop. I wondered if I would be able to open the door when I got back.
18)It also seemed possible that we were going to shrink intermittently, giving us time to adjust to each size before being dimished again.
19)That seemed kind of mean, but maybe it was some universal lesson about adaptability and respect for the process of evolution.
20)Either way, when I wondered if we were all shrinking I thought of Edge.
21)She complained about being short the other day, and I was like, "Wow, she must be so mad right now!"
22)Finally, and this was actually my first most paranoid thought, I considered the possibility that I was the only one shrinking.
23)Maybe everyone else was going about their business, while I, for some unknown reason, got smaller.
24)Perhaps I had walked through some magical trap, or an interdimensional rift, or I just hadn't been drinking enough milk lately.
25)When I got back to the kennel everyone would look at me and be like, "Whoa! What happened to you?" and I wouldn't know.
26)Then my sunglasses fell off, and I realized that actually they had been tilting for several minutes.
27)They're not prescription, but you know how tilted plastic magnifies everything so that it looks closer?
28)This of course generated the illusion that the ground was getting closer to my face--or, whimsically, that I was getting shorter.
29)I didn't notice they were sliding because I was wearing them over my ear warmer, so they weren't actually hooked over my ears.
30)And of course I couldn't feel them through my ear warmer, so my logical conclusion was that I was getting shorter.
31)If you're familiar with this phenomenon, you know of course that looking down at yourself doesn't help.
32)It's not just the ground that's magnified, after all. And the closer something is to the bottom of the glasses, the bigger it looks.
33)So technically, I looked shorter than the ground was close, but I didn't really think about that.
34)This kept me occupied for some minutes, however, which is either a sign that I am too imaginative, or that my brain was freezing.
Run Away