1)So everyone's seen those questionnaires that go around, right?
2)Who are you, what do you like, name your mother's first cousin's youngest daughter, and so on.
3)They come to everyone periodically.
4)I can't say I've ever answered one.
5)They're really just a cute way to blather on about yourself, and I do that enough already.
6)But I've gotten five from three different groups of people in the last two days.
7)I find myself asking that all-important, life-defining, existential sort of question.
8)"What the hell is going on!"
9)I mean, really. If I only know you from the internet, I'm not going to tell you half that stuff anyway.
10)And if I know you in real life, you already know half that stuff.
11)So here's my one and only contribution to this intrinsically time-wasting activity usually destined for the recycle bin.
Name: Depends on who you are.
Sex: Not recently.
Home: Where the heart is.
Height: Not much.
Eyes: Lucky to have 'em.
Hair: Don't cut it!
Favorite TV show: "In the jungles of Peru, the fight for survival heightened his senses." Cop shoots, Phoneboy calls for backup. Bad guys go away.
Favorite board game: Jumping off them on the ropes course.
Favorite magazine: Do you know how many trees they cut down to put out that junk?
Favorite soundtrack: "Don't listen to them, 'cause what do they know"
Favorite smells: When I'm god, perfume will be banned from all outdoor areas.
Favorite sport to watch: Curling.
Favorite sport to play: "Professor, they cancelled all afternoon classes in the Life Sciences building. No, I swear! A pipe burst in the hazmat lab, and they're going to be cleaning up in there for hours!"
Favorite movies:"Never give up! Never surrender!"
Favorite actors or actresses dead or alive: They're probably alive. I don't watch many old movies.
What's on your mouse pad? A big fat CAT.
Worst feeling in the world: Stepping on prickle grass.
Best feeling in the world: If you haven't done it, you wouldn't understand. And if you have, you already know.
Favorite thing to do on the weekend: Go driftwood-hunting at the beach and find those little tiny irridescent snails that you can barely see until you're lying face-down in the sand humming to them to see if they stick their little snail faces out and laugh at you.
What is the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? "I'm a giant cockroach." Oh, wait, that was Kafka.
Do you get motion sickness? Like when people do that thing where they move their mouths and stupid sounds come out? Yeah. I hate that.
Roller coasters: deadly or exciting? Raise your hand if you've ever died on a roller coaster.
Pen or pencil: Yeah, that one will definitely be on the ballot in November.
How many rings before you answer the phone? Voice mail was invented for a reason, you know.
Future son names: Any children I might hypothetically have, which I won't, will be brought into the world by budding. Thus there will be no sons.
Future daughter names: Me II. She'll have a great time with introductions.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime? I stole the sun once. No one noticed. It was nighttime.
Chocolate or vanilla: I'm just going to assume you're referring to ice cream here. Purple. Black raspberry.
Croutons or bacon bits: It's a salad, not a freakin' sandwich.
Do you like to drive: Other people over the edge? Yeah, it's a gift.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Ew!
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be? Tail-Kinker to Ennien. Take me with you!
Zodiac sign: Does it? I only know rudimentary ASL. No wonder we don't talk.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli? This is supposed to tell you something about me?
Would you ever ask someone you're attracted to for their shirt? The attractive ones aren't wearing shirts.
Would you ever give someone you're attracted to the shirt off your back? I'm not going to ask what use you think they'd have for it.
If you could have any job, what would it be: "A vagabond of earth and sky."
If you could be anything you wanted, what would it be: Happy.
If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be: No one's ever tried to stop me from dying my hair before.
If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be: I have too many scars to need a tattoo.
Describe your dream wedding: One I'm not at.
Have you ever been in love? Nice try.
What's on the walls of your room: Looks like blue paint to me.
Is the glass half empty of half full: There is no glass. Or is that the spoon?
What's on your nightstand: Nightstands. There's a big fat waste of wood.
Are you a righty, lefty, or ambidextrous: Righty tighty, lefty loosey. Never mind.
If you could be a gardening tool, what would you be? That is, quite possibly, the oddest question I've ever seen on one of these "getting to know you and your psychoses" things. Do you have these garden tool fantasies a lot?
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: It must be really hard to spell things with only eight keys.
Who is the most beautiful person in the world? My sister.
What's your dream car: Last night I dreamed I was driving a little red wagon down an old dirt road on my way to a sheep-herding contest. My golden retriever was steering.
What's under your bed: A fairly solid floor, I hope.
Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you: You're all freaks!
Person most likely to respond to this: If I get one more of these things I'm going to start sending out rejection slips. Unless you're funny. Travler and Katherine can send me as many as they want.
Person least likely to respond to this: Theodore Roosevelt.