"I'm odd that way. And in many other ways actually."
1)More and more lately, I realize how hard I am to live with.
2)Some people say they want kids so they can have little copies of themselves.
3)I used to think that was silly, because obviously kids are never anything like their parents.
4)But no, they really are.
5)And what a nightmare it would be to have a little me to take care of.
6)I was a brat as a child, and I've only gotten worse as I get older.
7)Kristen asked me if I would seriously never consider having kids, and I was like, "I won't even commit to a dog right now."
8)And dogs are clearly way better than children.
9)Kristen wasn't so sure about that, so I pointed out that dogs can be muzzled, kenneled, or made to sleep outside when they're very bad.
10)Even when they're only moderately bad.
11)Heck, if your dog is slightly annoying you can tie it to a tree and go get a cup of coffee.
12)If you did that to a kid someone would call the police on you.
13)Paradoxically, many people treat their dogs much better than their children.
14)Many people treat their dogs better than they treat themselves, let alone their children, which has led me to suggest that depressed people should consider adopting themselves instead of a pet.
15)All you have to do is pick a name for your shiny new alter ego, and presto! you have a versatile, go anywhere, do anything you can do, perfectly obedient pet.
16)Instead of thinking wistfully, "If I had a dog, I could take it down to the river this afternoon," you could say, "Hey me! Want to go for a walk down to the river? Yes? Great! Let's go get some treats and a frisbee!"
17)Every time you passed a pet store you could say, "Me! Would you like a new toy? Yes? All right!" And then you could step into the adjacent electronics store instead and buy something ridiculously expensive, because after all, you love yourself and you'll spend any amount of money to make yourself happy.
18)And at the end of the day you could inquire solicitously, "Me, is your bed comfortable enough? Maybe we should get you a new one tomorrow. Here, have something yummy before you go to sleep. G'night Me!"
19)If everyone just treated themselves like dogs, the world would be a much better place.
20)I swear there dogs at the kennel that have better mattresses than I do, and most of them are on a better diet.
21)They don't seem to have quite as many toys as I do, but they certainly enjoy them more.
22)Plus female dogs get to abandon their puppies as soon as they're old enough to feed themselves, which would make me at least marginally more likely to reproduce.