Sayings of Wit and Wisdom (yeah, right!)
These are some sayings that I've picked up from places, and I think are pretty cool.
"It's really funny when they fall out of trees and into your hand." --Aaron Thweatt, on guinea pigs
"Y'know, dontcha just hate when that happens?" --me
"Truth is shorter than fiction." --Irv Cohen
"All the little things will add to a happy journey." --Fortune cookie
"I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others." --Dame Edna Everage
"The scientific theory that I like best is that the rings of Saturn are made up entirely of lost socks and airline luggage." --Mark Russell
"I never had a piece of toast
Particularly long and wide,
But it fell upon the sanded floor,
And always on the buttered side." --James Payne
"Some folks never exagerate. They just remember big." --Audrey Snaad
"Blame someone else and get on with your life." --Alan Woods
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." --Steve Martin
"The imaginery friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought that I didn't exist." --Aaron Machado
"If you don't show up to a party, people will assume you're fat." --Bob Newhart
"Ever had one of those nights when you didn't want to go out, but your hair looked too good to stay home?" --Jack Simmons
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper." --Jerry Seinfeld
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot- but I always found them." --Rodney Dangerfield
"Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion." --Gary Larson
"Be aware that a halo has to fall only a couple inches to be a noose." --Dan McKinnon
"I would like to share with you folks a pleasant surprise I had this morning. I woke up." --Richard F. Carter, a 74-year-old comedian
"Do not get excited about the noise you have made." --Desiderius Erasmus
"Don't talk about yourself. It will be done when you leave." --Addison Mizner
"I like things you don't have to explain because you can't." --Howard Nemerov
"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm." --Colette
"Friend: one who knows all about you and likes you just the same." --Elbert Hubbard
"My idea of an aggreable person is a person who agrees with me." --Benjamin Disraeli
"The hardest job of all is trying to look busy when you're not." --William Feather
"Never learn anything. If you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you." --Mark Twain's mother
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice someone can give you." --Tom Masefield
"Some things have to be believed to be seen." --Ralph Hodgson
"It is hard to imagine a civilization without onions." --Julia Child
"I like snobs. A snob has to spend so much time being a snob that he has little time left to meddle with you." --William Faulkner
"Passport photo: If I look like this, I need the trip." --Gloria Swanson
"Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can." --Elsa Maxwell
"It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you are going away." --Michael Arlen
"We lived for days on nothing but food and water." --W.C. Fields
"Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends." --Tom Waits
"Where are you taking me and why am I in a handbasket?" --bumper sticker
"Is your washroom breeding Bolsheviks?" --bumper sticker
"Who wants to tango?" --Some guy on the net
"That guy's more punk than me."..."Okay, maybe you all think you are more punk than me, but do I care? No! Because I think punk, and you just look punk." --somewhere on the internet
"I rise from bed the first thing each morning not because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me during the day." --Edgar Wilson Nye
"The wrong underwear can KILL!" --George Carlin
"It is hard to imagine a life without croutons." --George Carlin
"How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?" --Charles de Gaulle
"Crazy doesn't always mean you're nuts. You might be the most sane person in a the group. It's all a matter of perspective." --Jason Angaly, Genetic Biologist and Cancer Researcher
"Every genius I have met could be classified as crazy by most people. They possess the highest level of sanity that us people find difficult to understand and accept." --Barbara Walters, Celebrity Interviewer
"He who remains calm while those around him panic probably doesn't know what's going on." --Leo Buscaglia, Mountain Guide
"Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money." --Arthur Miller, Author and Actor
"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility." --James Thurber, Newspaper Columnist
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else." --Will Rogers, American Humorist
"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible." --Doug Lawson, American Mountaineer
"Never stand too close to a microwave oven when it's on, and you got tin foil in your hands." --my friend, Erik
"Eat turkey." --my friend, Mitch
"Maybe. Maybe not."--my friend Christina and I
"This pleasant evening seems to be drawing to a close." --my friend Christina and I
"Well, color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!" --Julia Roberts on "Pretty Woman"
"Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." --Answer on a science test
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." --Answer on a science test
"When you breathe you inspire, when you don't you expire." --Answer on a science test
"To revive a dead person, you bounce up and down on them and make artificial persperation." --Answer on a science test
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Email: jabberwocky9@hotmail.com
