Creationism According to Confectionism

In the beginning there was Chocolate. And from Chocolate spawned Sweetness. Between themselves Chocolate and Sweetness created Man, because they felt the need to be eaten.

Man created God and in turn God made the world and everything in and around it in seven days, eating Chocolate and tasting Sweetness when he was in need of strength.

Then from Chocolate spawned Chocolate Eggs. And also other types of chocolate, including and not limited to, Hershey Kisses.

From Chocolate and Chocolate Eggs came the Easter Bunny.

From Chocolate and Snickers spawned Jack O'Lantern. Jack created Halloween, his sacred day.

Following Jack's example, the Easter Bunny created Easter, his sacred day, on which he delivered extra chocolate to Man.

Then from Sweetness and Chocolate spawned Sugar. And between themselves Sugar and Sweetness created Candy.

From Candy there now came many different types of candy, including and not limited to, Candy Canes.

From Candy Canes and Sugar came Santa Claus. Santa created his own sacred day, Christmas.

Between themselves, Santa, Jack and the Easter Bunny divided the days of the year, each laying claim to a certain number on which they were the one and only bringers of the Sacred Sugar Highs to Man.

And the three said unto Man "Go forth, eat sugar and multiply."

And it was good.



 A Confectionists' Adam and Eve
written by Kara

Once, long ago, there was the Garden of Eating, created for Adam and Eve by G-d. G-d gave them many creatures for companionship, and shrubs bearing chocolate from which to gain nourishment.

"But do not weigh thyself on the Scale of Knowledge, for I forbid it," He warned them.

Adam listened attentively to G-d, and obeyed. But a skinny stickbug came up to Eve...

"Weigh thyself!" it hissed in her ear. "Does not thee want thyself to be more attractive to Adam?"

And Eve gave into temptation, and weighed herself on the Scale of Knowledge. She gained the knowledge of her 200 lbs, and she was ashamed.

So Eve became bulemic, eating the chocolate from the shrubs, then purging it from her system. And G-d saw, and it angered Him to see His holy chocolate being wasted.

He threw Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eating, and destroyed the paradise He had created.

And that is why chocolate doesn't grow on shrubs today.


The Ten Commandments of Confectionism

1 Thou shalt worship me and none other, for I am the one true chocolate, who brought thee forth from brussel sprouts and cabbage.
2 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's chocolate.
3 Thou shalt not steal cake, make thine own.
4 Thou shalt not lie about thy weight.
5 Thou shalt not murder thy scale.
6 Thou shalt honor thy Bakery and Sweet shop.
7 Thou shalt not diet.
8 Thou shalt not eat things that are green and do not contain large amounts of sugar.
9 Thou shalt not take the name of the Sugar in cane.
10 Thou shalt remember the Nougat and eat it wholely.



Suggestions to add to confectionism are welcome!

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