From:  rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date:  22 Jan 1990
Subject:  FAKE Steven Wright jokes[original; edited]

Here are my categories, with examples.

ENGLISH:

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."

SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know
until I got there and set it up.  People complained because they couldn't see
the lake.  There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest.  It was a
forest made out of paneling.  It was a long, thin forest.

WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.

ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

SELF:

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.

NAAAHH:

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

TRIVIALIZATION:

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He says
it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what he told
me.

"FAKE" STEVEN WRIGHT SAYINGS BY ROD SCHMIDT (total of 59):

[Editor:  Curiously, I've seen Rod's jokes attributed to SW and vice versa.  I
guess that's a compliment to Rod.  If any are currently miscategorized, I'll be
happy to fix that...]

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to a potluck.  I
stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?"  I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat.  So I looked closer. It was made of
grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the
holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had to give it
back.

I got a chain letter by FAX.  It's very simple.  You just FAX a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.

My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sky is falling.  The sun is rising.

The sky is falling...  No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sky already fell.  Now what?

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The sky
must get awfully crowded.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night.  Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become
disoriented?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.  A little old
lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Smoking cures weight problems...  Eventually...

I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I saw a want ad.  Light housekeeping.  They said, "Here, change this bulb".  I
said, "I'll need some friends".

I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch light on all
day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.

I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not for sale."

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?"  "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.  Sally plays strip poker.
Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.

The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what for?"

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why. It told me it was
none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.

I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.  By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum.

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Alaska.  Now Santa
Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now I
can ride a unicycle.