T H E P E R I L S O F P A M E L A

Saturday, June 16, 2001

The frequency of the shut downs is picking up. 

Thursday, Keith called the computer repair place.  They said, bring it in and we'll reformat the harddrive.  Whoaa!  Is that really necessary?  And can I trust them to do this after I've spent the past two weeks recovering from their last helpful scenerio?

My theory is that the new power supply is bad.  I know, the diagnostic said it was okay, but I've never had this type of problem with this computer before.

This afternoon I was typing away on my template for Reflections when blip, the computer is off.  I did my usual: crawl under the computer, flip the surge protector on and off, and then push the power button on the tower.  I did this several more times.  Then I checked the surge protector to make sure it was plugged securely into the wall.  Okay.  Then I went through the whole process a second time, and then a third time.

Oh, brother!  I decided to vacuum the floor instead of stewing over this latest conflagration (okay I know that means 'fire' but you weren't here to see how hot my temper was getting!).  From time to time, I'd try the surge-on-off-power-button-push method, but the computer remained still.  More vacuuming.  If this keeps up, I'll have the whole house cleaned.

After I'd mopped the floor, I tried one more time.  Voila!  The computer lights started flickering red and gold, the whirring of the harddrive started, and we are in business.... well, for the time being anyway.

Friday, June 15, 2001

My computer is still giving me fits.  Out of the blue, it will shut down.  No, it doesn't crash; it shuts itself off, like flicking a light switch.  If I push the reset button, nothing. If I push the power button, nothing. If I flip the switch on the back of the computer off and on, nothing.

What does seem to work is to turn the surge protector's switch off and then on.  Then I push the power button on the tower, and the computer reboots.  Of course, I have to wait for the interminable scan disk to finish before I can get back to work.

By that time, I've forgotten what I was doing, and all inspiration is lost.  I'm left with a pile of anger and frustration instead.

Thursday, June 14, 2001

I've been out of sorts ever since Darlene and Jim died.  This latest tragedy is not really my tragedy even though I'm affected deepy by the sorrow of it all. 

I cried non-stop so much that on Sunday morning, Todd and Keith had to go on without me.  I really did intend to drive myself later, but I also felt compelled to make a website for Josiah.  After I'd started it, then I just had to call my parents.  The past few days have been a whirl of plans for the site. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all.  About 3:30 a.m. I decided to call home and see how things are coming.  For the first time, the realization that I'm not going to the funeral set in.  I don't know what I was imagining, that some fairy godmother was going to wave her wand and I'd get to go.  My heart sunk down in my stomach.  All reason says, I can't do anything for them there that I can't do here.  Still I feel like I've really missed something.

Monday I talked to a counselor about these recent losses and my uncontrollable grief reactions.  I sat there and rattled them off like a grocery list.  I never shed a tear.

I commented to her, "I've been crying non stop and now I'm not crying at all."

Her reply, "You are able to distance yourself from the situations." 

In this way, the web site making is really a help... a help to distance myself.  The activity absorbs my mind and keeps me from wallowing in my emotions.

On another level, I know I am not where Joyce and Gary are. I hope I never will be.  My small sorrows are but a fleeting moment to their lifetime ahead without Jo.