THE CHATTER'S DICTIONARY

The Internet is a wonderful invention. It's scope just keeps getting wider and more incredible every day. But you haven't become a fully fledged Net surfer until you've started chatting.

Chatting is the art of talking to people all over the world via the Internet. For first time chatters, however, (and, um... regulars too) chatting can seem daunting. There are so many weird things people say, so many buttons to click - Net chatting is, in some ways, another world all together.

This is where The Chatter's Dictionary will be a big help. It will take you through all possible factors of chatting in the most irreverent way possible. It will make chatting on the Internet so much easier! Then again, it might put you off it altogether - or it might just put you to sleep. Heck, I don't know. I just felt like doing this!

Please remember, in all seriousness, that I have no intention of offending anyone. This is all in fun and a tribute to the wonderful gift God has given me. Please also remember that most of my experiences have come through Christian chatting sites, so some of my references are towards them. But, if I had called this The Christian Chatter's Dictionary, I would have gone to sleep MYSELF!!

Actions

Sitting in front of a computer chatting sounds like you can't do much else than just talk, right? Speak about the weather and the meaning of life and all that? Not at all. You can do anything if you put it between * and * For some unknown reason, they mean you are DOING something, like *goes over and wallops so-and-so on the head*, that sort of thing. And the best thing is, all so-and-so can do back to you is the same thing, so you're safe from injury! Boy, can you imagine what this could do to gang fights? *comes up to Brutus all tough-like, pulls out flick knife and circles cautiously". With worse spelling, of course...

Addiction

You wake up in the morning and immediately check your E-Mail. While doing so, you swap messages with three people on ICQ. You then spend a couple of hours in your favourite chatting room. Then you write several E-Mails and quickly have some lunch. Then back to the chatting room, before chatting with four people on ICQ and two on PowWow. You have a quick dinner, back to the room, then go to bed, saying good morning and good night to everyone else in the house.

You are addicted to chatting.

Address

No, not where you live. No-one cares about that anymore. Your address either means your E-Mail address, or your Home Page address. Or, to use more common chatspeak, your "addy". SEE: SHORTENING WORDS Rumour has it that one day, a lost child will be asked their address, and they'll tell the big, kind and probably computer-illiterate policeman "eddie@hotmail.com", so you'd better look after your children all the more carefully now or say goodbye to them.

America

Where virtually all the people you've ever chatted with seem to come from.

B

Books

What all Internet people are going to neglect very quickly - as believed by all anti-Internet people.

Boots

No, not what you you wear on your feet (that is, if you wear boots on your feet anyway). Getting booted is what happens when you are chatting merrily along, and all of a sudden, for a variety of reasons, none of which anyone can seem to explain, everything suddenly goes haywire and you find yourself losing your chatting room. Chatters who have never been booted are of a very rare breed - they are also liars.

Britain/Europe

You are bound to meet some chatters from these places, but it's surprising there aren't more. I mean, with the kind of weather they have there, what else is there to do???

Busy

A relatively new funcion for ICQ which lets users come online so all their friends can see them, then thumb their noses and tell them to get lost. C

Caps Lock

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ACCIDENTLY BUMP THAT BUTTON ABOVE SHIFT AND YOU DON'T NOTICE IF FOR TWENTY MINUTES (somehow...) AND EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE SHOUTING AT THEM!! Then again, maybe you are shouting at them... Whatever the excuse, it is normally regarded in chatting circles as extremely rude, rather like picking your nose at a tupperware party.

Chair

What you are most likely sitting in right now. Check it. Has it got a bit of an indentation roughly about the size of your posterior? If so, read ADDICTION.

Chat Requests

Are there few things more irritating than suddenly hearing "You have a chat request" out of the blue from someone on your ICQ list while you are busy working on your Home Page and swapping messages with four OTHER people on your ICQ list? I mean, what are you supposed to do? It's totally impractical to just start a chat right there and then, but if you refuse it, then they go off in a huff as if you have just questioned their heritage! People who continue to do this should be given one chance (two if you're that sweet natured kind of person) then kicked off your list. Hey, who said chatting was all roses? And I didn't even get STARTED on the fact that they should be called chatTING requests.

Church

There are several questions people ask in getting to know one and another, and one of the oddest (in Christian rooms) is, "what church do you go to?" I mean, if you reply "Sweet Town Baptist Church", what does that say? Only the two other people in Sweet Town would be knowledgable of the name, so all that's left of interest is the religion. So why not just ask, "What religion are you?" Well, since religions don't matter and we should all be one in Christ Jesus, then that question should be irrelevant as well, which really renders the whole "church" question meaningless!

Colour

Some chatting rooms give the option of typing your messages in different colours. One assumes this is meant to make the place look more attractive, but there's a sneaking suspicion that it's really to start up an argument as to whether "colour" should have a U in it or not.

Controversial Subjects

You're chatting merrily along, having a great time with the others in the room, when someone suddenly appears and starts by saying, "Does anyone believe that homosexuality is wrong?" (or questions of similar, eyebrow-raising quality). Then everything changes. One or two people will reply in no uncertain terms with what they think, a couple more will try and ignore it and keep going with what they were saying, another couple will start praying, one more won't even notice because they're still trying to catch up with the messages from ten minutes ago, and that new operator will get all excited because here's his/her chance to show to everyone what enormous banning/booting powers they have .

In other words, the mood changes somewhat.

D

"Did everyone just get booted?"

The question chatters sometimes ask when they've just been booted and they hope everyone else has to and it's not just their problem. Not very charitable, but extremely comforting if everyone replies with the answer, "Yes." SEE ALSO: IS ANYONE ELSE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH ICQ?"

Disconnect

What your Server does to you when you are in the middle of the most critical discussion you've ever had on the Net.

E

E-Mails

Okay, not a lot to do with chatting, but it's such an integral part of the Net that I just had to put it in. Hey, this is my dictionary, so I can do what I want!

Empty

There are few things more depressing than coming into a chatting room or ready to go for an exciting session with your friends, only to find it completely void of life. This is a particularly common experience for those from Australia, New Zealand or other countries with similar time, who often like to go in at night, when all those lazy Americans haven't got out of bed yet! Fun can be had, though, by then sitting there and finding out when those lazy Americans actually DO get out of bed and making fun of them. And don't fall for the "Oh, I've been up for ages - I've only just come online now" bit either. Chatters are addited, remember, so they come on first thing!

Expert

There's one in every room. Someone who can answer any question about any computer problem some dumbo might be having. They use the most technical gibberish possible, make you feel like you were born under a rock and generally come across like the class nerd. Isn't it wonderful, then, when they suddenly get booted for some reason themselves and can't get back in? Well, I think it is...

F

Foreign lanuages

Most of what you'll find in chatting rooms is people speaking in English, but every now and again, you'll suddenly be surrounded by chatters who spurt forth some mystifying language that you can't recognize and has letters with those little squiggles above them. What do you do? Try to keep talking in English and hope they get the idea? Try the language out too and risk making a fool of yourself or calling one of them a, "Drunk, Bald, Barney The Dinosaur Lover" by mistake, or just be totally rude and say, "Hey! Would you mind speaking in English, please??" None of them sound quite the ticket, so maybe you should just get out of there and sulk. Then again, this is chatting, so you should type *goes to a corner and sulk*. You probably won't be noticed, but at least you will have a certain degree of personal satisfaction.

Forwarded messages

There's just no end to them. Oh, they come by E-Mail as well, but there's just a plague of them flowing through ICQ. How many more times to we have to read, "Mere-whatever-the-hell-it's-called is going to delete your account, kidnap your sister and cause your head to explode if you don't forward this to 500 of your friends right now!" But, hands up all you people who get them who forward them anyway, just in case...

G

Geography

You might have never had a clue where Australia really is before, or whether Seattle is an American city or an animal at the zoo, but what geographical education there is to pick up by chatting! Really, what's the point of taking this subject at school anymore? See? Is the Internet amazing or what?

H

Handles

Whether this term is taken from trucky talk like "Trying to get a handle or something" or not is open to speculation, but what it means in chatting circles is the name you go by when you chat. Some people use their own name and look rather unholy, not to mention dull, when they go into Christian rooms surrounded by handles like Jesus Loves Me, God's Little Sunbeam and Seen The Light (yeah right, as if anyone would call themselves something like THAT...), but then, their argument might be that at least they are being honest and not trying to be someone they're not. Boy, some chatters can be so sensitive... And no, I'm NOT one of them, so WATCH IT!!

Hello

There are various ways to greet people when entering a chatting room, and an obvious one would seem to be "hello". But this is fraught with danger if you are in a Christian room and your typing is not exactly first rate, for there's always a chance of missing that O at the end and saying "Hell everyone", or "Hell Freddy" or just plain "Hell!" Pandemonium then breaks out as everyone thinks the Enemy has just brought forward one of his servents to tear the room apart and there're a variety of reactions that you can sit back and watch with amusement before you log out and try this new-found trick somewhere else.

Home Pages

Home Pages are what any Net user can create for themselves. They can be full of interesting information about themselves, deep discussions on important parts of their lives, links to other places, appealling images and numerous additions daily. Then why oh why, when you are chatting in a room with ten people at once, does someone suddenly say, "Hey, check out my Home Page"?

Hugs

One of the most common ways to greet people on the Net. You mightn't go around hugging people in your own house or area, but all of a sudden, arms just get wrapped around everyone in chatting rooms. It used to be ((HUGS)) or similar, but now, people have got into the habit of just putting that someone's name (sorry, handle) between brackets like (((SARAH))) as if that's supposed to mean a hug, when it really just means they can't be bothered putting their handle AND the word "hugs" together.

I

"I Just Got Booted"

One of the most common phrases in chatspeak, virtually to the point where it's no use saying it any more, since if people keep seeing you leave and come back all the time, the chances are you have either been booted, or are trying to attract attention.

ICQ

A marvellous invention which allows Net users to have a list of their friends to look at and occasionally even talk to when it decides to work.

Illegal Operation

A popular "booting" problem. You're chatting merrily along, when all of a sudden, you get the words "illegal operation" appear in front of you and you have to get rid of it, which also gets rid of Netscape, so you have to through through the tired rigmarole of coming back into your room and saying "hi" to everyone - just so it can appear again. No one seems to know what it means. Nothing, illegal or otherwise, is suddenly done differently to bring it up. No policemen arrive at your doorstep. Maybe it's just illegal to have too much fun without some problem arising. Say! That must be it! Well, now we've sorted out that one, what's next?

Images

When in some chatting rooms, chatters can bring up pictures, or, to use the yuppy terminology, "images". This might include cute diagrams, pictures (sorry, images) of their favourite movie star or even photos of themselves. This last one is considered a real risk, for people can talk along with you for ages, thinking your a really terrific human being before your mule-like features are revealed for all to see and the saying, "it's what inside that counts" becomes the conspicuous new subject in the room.

Invisible

Another new feature of ICQ which allows two best friends to sit at their computer for hours without realising that the other one is there.

"Is anyone else having problems with ICQ?"

Another one of those "I hope I'm not the only one" questions. SEE: "DID EVERYONE JUST GET BOOTED?"

J

Japan

You can meet a number of chatters who are in Japan. The chances of finding an actual native of the place though, rather than someone who is either an American chaplain or related to one, seem to be extremely slim. K

Keyboard

Your mouth. Or should your mouth be your fingers? Or maybe your mouse? The screen? Oh, whatever...

L

Life

What most chatters don't have. SEE:ADDICTION.

LOL

Since you are talking to someone while sitting in front of a screen, people can't see your facial expressions or your obvious emotions, as you can't with them, so it is common in chatting to put in quick little ditties like this. LOL means Laugh Out Loud, L is just Laugh, while you can put in a smiley like this :-) or this :) or... whatever... if you are so inclined. It begs the question, though. Are those who type in LOL REALLY Laughing Out Loud? Are those who put in smiley really smiling? Or are we all secretly deceiving one another. Friendships could be shattered if such factors were brought out into the open. These are questions that must be answered!

M

Meeting someone

By this, I mean actually meeting someone face to face. Yes, that's right! Internet chatting hasn't replaced the ability to speak with people without typing in ((HUGS)) or *waves goodbye*. Not entirely, anyway. There are few things more nerve-wracking, though, than finally getting to meet someone that you have been chatting to for ages, even if you have seen their photo. Will you still get along? Will you both find things to talk about? Will you be able to actually do it knowing you can't quickly erase something before you send it? Or will you find that they are really an utter bore, moronic, cheap and basically idiotic, factors that you just weren't able to pick over the computer? Finding out such things are one of the most exciting factors of chatting!

Mouse

That little thing that you have to keep rolling around your desk, and which can drive you to wanting to crush it if it's dirty and won't go where you want it to.

N

Netscape

One of the big factors of Internet use. You don't need it for ICQ of PowWow, but if you want to chat, surf, anything, then Netscape is what takes you there. Oh, it also can drive you bananas, boot you, not work and basically treat you like its worst enemy, but it's either put up with this, or stick with Internet Explorer. The choice is yours.

New

Everyone has to start somewhere, whether it be chatting for the first time ever, or just at a particular room. When someone says, "I'm new here", the natural reaction is to welcome them, find out about them and make them feel at home. If, however, they say, "I've never chatted before", the natural reaction is more likely to be to sit back and have a giggle at themw while they try to work out what the heck they're supposed to do, remembering how you embarrassed yourself all those months ago when you started.

"No-one's talking to me!"

Ok, you see someone saying this, so you think, "Dear me, the poor person sounds lonely. I'd better chat with them." You ask "Hi, so-and-so". The reply, "Hi". You ask, "Where do you come from?" They reply... well, chances are, somewhere in the U.S. You ask, "What do you do?", they give you their reply. You sort of feel this is a bit of a one-way conversation. You're running out of questions. Then that person suddenly shouts, "You people are so unfriendly! I'm leaving!" Are there many things more irritating in the chatting world?

O

Offence

What you never can be sure of whether the other person has taken or not when you tell that joke about the three Nuns and the flasher.

"Oh oh"

The call ICQ gives when someone is sending a message. And, no it has nothing to do with, "Oh oh, I've got to battle with ICQ stuffing up again!"

P

Password

So some scumbag doesn't decide to basically ruin your social life by going into your favourite chatting room and pretending that they are you, some rooms get you to put in a secret password when you chat, so no-one else can use your handle. A great idea - until you forget what the password is.

Phone Bill

What suddenly starts teaching you all new lessons in multiplication when you become an addicted chatter.

Pictures

Actually, these are already covered in IMAGES, but just had to put this here to help you to understand that when people say "pics", this is what they mean. SEE: SHORTENING WORDS.

PowWow

If ICQ isn't enough to drive you crazy, you can also download PowWow, another way to chat privately without other people sticking their noses in. Until recently, PW was seen as somewhat inferior to ICQ, since you couldn't get that list of your online friends, but since you now can, AND it has voice mode (if you still happen to care that your friends have voices), then all you have to do is decide whether you'd rather have people going "oh oh" at you all the time or you'd prefer being barked at.

Private Messages

Another example of how chatting on the Internet can be so different from "real life". Normally, talking behind someone's back or whispering is considered very rude and something we tell our children never to do, yet chatting rooms actually encourage this. We can do all sorts of gossip, have a private laugh about the embarrassing spelling mistake one of the other chatters made, or just basically ignore everyone else by carrying on our own private conversation. Of coure, if one of your most witty private messages happens to be revealed in the open by mistake, this could involved acute discomfort for the sender, not to mention mirth for everyone else, but this is your chance to show how humble you are in admitting you are wrong. This is also a chance for the victim of your message to decide whether they are going to forgive you or punch your lights out.

Punctuation

what some people don't use it seems to suggest that they think it isn't necessary and people can easily understand them whether they use useless things like full stops commas or not they also aren't into capital letters much but at least this gives us a new adventure in decyphering coded messages

Q

Questions

What people ask in an attempt to learn how to chat, if they don't mind the risk of looking like complete morons.

R

Relatives

You've escaped from that horrendous mother-in-law, who always ran a finger over the mantelpiece checking for dust, by moving to the other side of the world. Everything is wonderful - until you switch on ICQ and discover that she has found you have the Net, has found ICQ and has found you. The Internet means that now you can't escape from those relatives you so much dread, no matter how much you try.

Rooms

It's funny, really, that where you go to chat are called Chatting Rooms (Well, actually, they're called Chat Rooms, but this is an English-correct Page here - hopefully). I mean, does that screen of messages and funny names look like a room to you? Why not Chatting Screen or Chatting Section or other titles like that? Hmm... ok. Those are pretty boring. And the word "room" does offer a sense of cosiness. Just watch out for Chatting Back Seat Of The Car, Chatting Bedrooms and Chatting Shower Cubicles. Might suggest a bit of funny business, hmm?

S

Server

The people who provide the Internet access you need to chat with friends and keep in touch with loved ones - and who cop a verbal blast over the phone akin to John McEnroe whenever they have a power failure one morning just as two sweethearts are about to meet.

Sex

Ah, that made your eyes light up, didn't it?? There's no other reason I put that word in here than to just test a theory about how people react when they see it. Come on... admit it... you're disappointed with the definition now, aren't you?

Shortening Words

One of the main things that confuse new chatters (not to mention slower-learning seasoned chatters) are all the initials and shortening of words used when chatting. It's not shorthand - just confusing, not to mention lazy. You becomes u, are becomes R, for becomes 4... and of course there's LOL for Laugh Out Loud, BRB for Be Right Back (or Bath Room Break as has been suggested)and WB for Welcome Back, as well as a host of others. Heck, now "ok", which is a shortening itself of "okay", is even shortened to "k"! Why, at this rate, books might end up only needing to be 50 pages long at the most! Whether they can be understood or not is another thing altogether.

Silence

What happens when everyone has suddenly run out of things to say and are waiting for someone else to do bring up a new topic. Say, sometimes chatting IS like real life!

Singing

Some chatters just can't stop themselves from singing in Chatting Rooms while others are busy talking away. One wonders whether these people do the same thing in actual "real life" get togethers and how everyone else makes themselves heard above them. Maybe everyone just joins in - or kicks them out.

Slow

As you might have guessed, chatting isn't always straightforward in its mechanics. Chatters can be slow in keeping up with messages if they are new to it (or just like that anyway), but you can chat at lighning speed and still go slowly if your connection doesn't want to co-operate. You see someone asking a question, you think, "Hey, I know that!" You post your answer, it takes five minutes to come up and by that time, not only have four others already answered it, but they've gone onto the next subject. Coversely, in ICQ or PowWow, you could be chatting with someone, wathching the words of your friend come steadily up on the screen, when suddenly they stop, and you wonder if they have been cut off or just finally found out what boring company you actually are, so you start to type in some cuttingly funny comments about your friend - only for you jaw to drop when their words suddenly flood onto the screen like confetti and you are in other one of those embarrassing situtations that Internet chatting seems to deliver with such aplomb.

Smilies

Something to type in like this :-) or this :) to show that you are smiling (or you want people to think you are smiling) and you have an awfully stiff neck that you just can't straighten.

Snail Mail

It's easy to think that postmen must be sweating about losing their jobs - not to mention stamp collectors their hobby. With E-Mails such a relavation, who wants to now send a letter to a friend that won't get to them for at least a week? Well, plenty of people, it seems, because the more friends you make on the Net, the more snail mail you seem to get. Huh? Odd... but postmen and stamp collectors can feel better now.

Sound

You can get so used to your friend as being just words on screen that it's easy to forget that it's quite likely that they possess a voice as well. So there are certain chatting systems, such as PowWow, Net Meeting and Cool Talk, that allow you to actually speak with your friends voice-to-voice if you have a sound card and a microphone. Of course, the conversation might be taken up of trying to get the settings right, working out how to do it and getting over the shock of how nauseating your friend's voice actually is, but at least it's cheaper than the phone. Oh oh. Now phone companies should be sweating. And yet, the more Net friends you make, the more overseas calls you're likely to make. ?? This is just getting too confusing.

Spelling

It's easy to just talk with your friends face-to-face and not have to worry about how bad your spelling is (even if you can't pronounce half your words correctly), but as soon as you start to chat, words you have always been able to say with such ease suddenly become savage monsters that are likely to shatter your self esteem for all time - not to mention weapons of confusion for those who are trying to understand you.

Stats

Another one of those shortened words (SEE: SHORTENING WORDS), Stats is short for statistics and it's what you ask if you want to find out things about someone. Yes, that's right, gone are the days of, "Why don't you tell me about yourself?" Now people just ask you, "Stats?" and that means you're meant to tell them your age, sex, etc. Of course, this makes us feel less like human beings and more like audit forms, but at least it's quick and easy and takes away silly things like warmth and personality.

T

Television

A very popular medium which shows perfectly dreadful programmes on most occasions nowadays and something which the Internet has now conveniently replaced as a fulfilling mode of entertainment. And some people say the Net is a curse to the world...

Too fast

What happens when there are 30+ people in your chatting room and they all want to debate the meaning of life at once.

Typing mistakes

A laugh can be had for all when you get booted, come back and accidently type, "God booted", or numerous other errors which you don't notice until a split second after you click Send on your chatting screen. But don't worry. Everyone makes typing errors at some stage, so just wait patiently for your turn to sinfully take revenge on those smart alecs. Or for even more satisfaction, get them on your ICQ or PowWow list, where you can see their messages come up as they are typed, and sit back and have a giggle at how bad their typing really is.