Journal Excerpts, con't.
August 26, 1998
18:30; Lana disconnects her malfunctioning CD player for what she plans will be the LAST time. After two years of its performance going downhill, finally getting to the point of unbearability, she's gonna pitch it out the window and laugh maniacally as it smashes to tiny bits on the hard, dry ground below. Something makes her pause, though...The tiniest whisper through her mind; "I know you have no formal experience in electronics, but y'know, you can't do any HARM at this point...Why not open it up?
19:11; Lana reconnects the CD player she just dismantled and fumbled with. Power cord; in, CD left and right; in. Power on. Play..............TA DAAAAAA!!! Music! Sweet music! Unadulterated by skipping and sliding, from the beginning of the CD right to the end! *She pats herself on the back, wondering why she didn't try it sooner, dancing insanely to the pounding bass of the Spice Girls (which she was sure had been stolen. She makes a note to waggle a finger at Jeff next time she sees him, 'cuz HE had to have stuck it UNDER the player the night he slept at her house while she was in NYC.) She also blushes, mutters something like, "Yeah. The Spice Girls. I know. PLEASE don't pelt me with rotten fruit." She then turns her thoughts to opening her own, home-based business; "Lana's 'I'm Just Flying By the Seat of My Pants Here, but it Seems to Work, Hey! Don't Look At Me Like That!!! I Have Faith, Even if You Don't' Electronics Repair." She scraps the
idea, however. The name's too long.*
I'm damp with the blissful sweat of success right now, the excitement of overcoming the unknown, and of learning a new lesson through a mundane-metaphor crash-course in electronics;
I can overcome any problem, any obstacle, if I only have faith in myself and the courage to try.
September 2, 1998
It rained here this morning. I was at work when the lightning began, when the wind swirled into a flag-whipping frenzy and the rain poured down in chaotic sheets. I wandered outside to stand under that blissful assault, laughing as deafening thunder exploded directly overhead and the power went out, leaving bolts of lightning to flash their blindingly angry demands all around me. It lasted little over a half hour, the passionate strains of the storm, and the resulting breaks in the clouds made for a wondrous sunrise. Then in clouded over again and I came home to find the power'd gone out here, too. It has begun to rain again, and I believe I hear thunder over the lake. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
May 27, 1999
I inadvertantly pointed out how broke we are to Dan today. He brooded for a while and then in true pixie style he said, "I think it's really exciting that we're totally broke! It's like now were really in the trenches!" He was gesturing fairly animatedly by the end and I laughed, "Sometimes you're just TOO optimistic, man!"
June 2, 1999
I was thinking today on how I've bemoaned our society's way of holding me down when it was me the whole time. I mean sure, it took time to get out of the self-defeatist thought patterns instilled by those who've called me "stupid," "useless," "ugly," etc. over the years--amazing how powerful words can be--but the decision to do nothing had been my own, and I'd built up incredibly delusional rationalizations in order to avoid taking responsibility for my inertia. How terrified of change I was, even as I claimed to want it.
All writings copyrighted by Lana Jackman
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