A Day in the Life
Riff. That's me. Hey! Where the hell do ya think you're goin'?! Sit down! I'm gonna tell you a little story. Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldi- oops, wrong story. Lemme try again... here's the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely- no, that's not it either. Third time's the charm, so here goes. This is the story of how Maxine Darkfeather got arrested for being an alien spy, how Mara Jade got handcuffed to the Chief of Police's bed, how Amber Van Drake got superglued to the chandalier in City Hall, and why I've been forbidden to ever drink again. It all started at my music shop. I was having a couple of drinks. No harm in it, I only had a few. "Riff, twelve shots is not 'a few'." As you can see, my friend had different thoughts on the subject. "Hey! I know what I'm doing, Colleen." "Riff, I'm Sarah." Not my fault they looked so much alike, even though Colleen was around 5'11 and Sarah was 5'5...It was an honest mistake! Could've happened to anybody! Still, Sarah insisted on dragging me back to Mara's apartment. "What the hell is this?!" Aathos was yelling his ass off as usual...and I KNOW it was Aathos 'cause he's the only guy in the BRS 'sides me. So they dragged me over to that lumpy thing that you sit on...the couch! That's it! Well, back to my story.*** When I woke up, around an hour or so later, Mara was looking down at me. "Riff, you know better than to take that many drinks at once." she said reproachfully. "No I don't!" I yelled, trying to strenghten my argument. I wanted to continue arguing with her, since I knew I was winning, but by the look in her eyes I decided it was best to leave well enough alone. "Here," Aathos said heatedly, "I've had a lot of experience with this kind of thing before, Mara." Mara stood up and silently walked into the kitchen to get me an ice pack. Awful nice of her if I do say so myself. Aathos checked my pulse and ran some weird tests on me, then he gave me some strange crud to swallow and told me I'd be fine in a day or so. All of a sudden, it dawned on me. "Hey? Do you guys think I'm drunk?" Aathos glared at me and stood up, muttering curses in Corellian all the way out the door. "No Riff," said Max angrily, " We don't THINK you're drunk, we KNOW you're drunk." I was offended by that. No, actually I wasn't...it took me a while to understand some of Maxine's more complicated jokes. Maxine always tries to joke around with me , 'cause y'see, she's violently in love with me. (and I do mean VIOLENTLY!) Why, just yesterday she tried to shoot me again...poor girl's crazy over me. What's even worse is the fact that she won't admit it. Every time I ask her out she tells me to drop dead, or something along those lines. It's a shame, really. Sorry, I'm getting off track again. Back to my story. That's when Amber walked in. She was walking past the table when she saw me. "Riff? Are you drunk?" What? Did I have it written all over my face or something? I smiled at her. "Nooo! Of course not. Say, how old are you?" Amber shrugged. "I dunno. 'round eleven." "Eleven...good! Will you marry me?" Well, that's what I've been told I said. This is where I blanked out. From here on in the story I'm afraid it's all from Sarah (so I don't blame you if you don't think it's true; I certainly don't!). Amber looked at me, confused. "wha?" "Good! It's agreed. Let's go." I took her by the hand and started to walk to the door with her, but Max stopped us. (what'd I tell ya? Jealous as ever.) Strangely enough, Amber didn't object to any of this. She was probably in shock. Well, Colleen and Heather came out and pulled Amber away from me. Then, carrying me back to the couch, they said something about getting a rope. I didn't like the sound of that, so I tried to escape yet again. Maxine blocked the only exit and warned me to get back on the couch before she was forced to kill me. "You want me." "What?!" Max yelled. "I wish you wouldn't make it so obvious, it's pathetic. If it makes you feel better, I WOULD'VE married you, but Amber's got better connections." I was told that after they pulled Maxine off of me, they had to tie HER to the couch to keep her from strangling me. (poor girl can't keep her hands off me.) Then Mara did that little appear from nowhere trick and dragged me onto her room. "Now, now ladies, one at a time!" "Riff, you idiot, if you don't keep your mouth shut Maxine will KILL you. Do you understand? MURDER!" "Ooh!" I said gleefully, "Red rum! Red rum!" Mara, completely exasperated, stormed out of the room to calm my stalker down. Then I got to thinkin'...I try not to do it too often, Aathos told me it was dangerous...Was Maxine really capable of killing me? Her one true love? Perhaps, if she were doing it for someone else. I soon realized that Max must have a second job, but what? Nothing legal, of course. Maybe she got work as a whore, but doubtful since Max would sooner die than dress up...or down...for a guy that she didn't know. Besides, it wasn't allowed for people to work two gangs in the Guild. So, she must've been doing it over their heads secretively. I continued to think (which was beginning to hurt my head at this point) and realized she must be a spy. The police would never trust a regular thief as a spy, so they were out, and neither would the government. I began to become nervous...this whole thing was becoming intergalactic. Suddenly, the truth hit me. "An alien spy?! Riff, you've had more to drink than I thought!" Well, it seemed reasonable at the time. "SHHH! Mara, quiet! What if the spy hears you?!" Mara shook her head, "Riff, I've known Max for years, she's my best friend. I'd know if she was an alien spy." That is, unless Mara was in it too, but that was impossible, considering how honorable she was. So, how could Max hide it from her? I didn't know just yet. "Riff, you stay here and recuperate, we'll be back in a half hour." Heather called to me, walking out the door. I recalled that they had all been talking about a run they had to do that night. "Time to investigate!" When I got to the scene of the not yet committed crime, I noticed Mara and Maxine both talking very secretively to one another. It's true that they could've been plotting the heist they were about to pull...but I thought it was more likely that they were plotting the overthrow of the planet. Odd, considering that Mara had claimed to know nothing about the conspiracy at all. Could she be lying to me? Nah...but then how could she not know about the plot? Then I figured it out! Maxine had probably taken control of her mind. I read about that kind of thing in The Attack of the Giant Killer Mutant Really Ugly Space Pillows (a classic). It was very clever of her...with Mara under her control that meant that she basically had control of the entire BRS. So how could I stop her in her evil plan? "Riff? What are YOU doing here?" I turned around to see Amber looking at me. "Amber! What are YOU doing here?!" Amber shrugged, "Same thing you are, I guess." Amber said, sitting beside me. Ah, a fellow crusader for all that is good and just! She must've known about the plot too! "I wanted to join in, but they won't let me because I'm too little." Amber finished, pouting. NO! She had come because she wanted to be one of them...that traitor. I had to play along so she didn't suspect that I was trying to undermine them. "Yes, me too...heh, heh, heh. Down with Puckworld!" Amber looked at me, confused, "Riff? What the hell are you talking about?" I was about to answer when I noticed that the thieves outside of the building were gone...they must've gone inside. I quickly ran to follow them, leaving Amber alone to watch. When I got there everything seemed to be going smoothly. That is, until I tripped the alarm. Pretty soon, police sirens could be heard out the window. The others all ran out with the jewelry, except for Maxine. She had spotted me. "Riff, you idiot! Get down here!" "Never, you spy! You won't take me alive!" "That suits me fine!" Max yelled back, climbing up to get me. The police burst into the room and began opening fire on us. When Maxine reached me, she dragged me along to the nearest exit and pulled me out. We looked up to discover that we were surrounded by police. Maxine quickly stood up straight and put her hands on her hips. "It's about time you got here." she said huffily. The police looked at each other, confused. "Well? Did you catch the robber yet?" "Uh, excuse me ma'am, but we thought YOU were the robber." Maxine sighed impatiently. "The robber?! You idiots! I'm the late night clerk! Who do you think pulled the alarm?!" All of a sudden I remembered why Max was second in command...she was VERY quick on her feet. "So are you trying to tell me you DIDN'T catch him yet?!" She continued, "Why the hell does Baconus have a police force if you can't catch one simple thief?!" One of the police men walked up behind her and handcuffed her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you'll need to come with us until we can verify your story. "This is preposterous! There! That's my assistant." She said, pointing to me, "He can tell you. Am I a thief?" I shook my head, "Nope." "See?" Max said triumphantly to the police men. "She's an alien spy." I continued. Maxine looked at me, "WHAT?!" The police held her back as she tried to lunge at me, pushing her into the car. "An alien spy...we'd better go check her out down at City Hall then and see what the Chief wants to be done with her. Thank you for your help, Citizen." The police man tipped his hat to me. As they drove away, Max screamed out the window, "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU DRUNKEN LUNATIC!" I think she was mad... "That'll put a stop to your evil trechery!" I yelled back. "Evil trechery?" I spun around to find myself face to face with Mara Jade. "Uh, hi Mara." "Riff..." she said slowly, "Where's Max?" I pointed to the police car. "What?!" Mara watched in shock as the car drove out of view. "I told them she was an alien spy." I said proudly. "Where did they take her?" Mara demanded. "Uh...the City...gee, I know this...the City ball! That's it! The City ball!" Mara went pale. "You told the police that Maxine was an alien spy and they took her to City Hall?! RIFF!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" I was beginning to get the feeling that Mara was mad too. She grabbed me by the shirt and began dragging me down the street. "Come on." "Where are we going?" I asked. "First, I'm going to lock you up in my apartment so you can't get out again, and THEN I'm going down to City Hall to get Max out of jail!" I saw what she was trying to do...she was probably going to take me back to her apartment so the others could brainwash me and turn me into one of THEM. The aliens had a firmer hold on her mind than I thought. "Mara, you gotta snap out of it, don't let the aliens control your mind!" Mara dumped me on the ground and turned to look at me, "You think that aliens have taken over my mind?" I nodded. Mara shook her head, "That's it. You're never gonna touch alcohol again." Mara picked me up and threw me over her shoulder continuing down the street to her apartment. You can imagine how embarassing it is to have someone that probably weighs half of what you carry you down the street like a baby. I kicked and yelled the whole way there, but she didn't put me down until we reached her apartment. "Guys!" she called out. Aathos, Colleen, Heather and Sarah walked out, "So you finally found him." "Look, I gotta go down to City Hall and break Max out. Lock him up and make sure he doesn't get out." Colleen nodded and began dragging me into the other room. Well, it WAS four against one, so after a few moments of struggling, they threw me into Mara's bedroom. I got up and dusted myself off, and then proceeded to search Mara's room. If I knew her, Mara probably had some extra weapons hidden somewhere...I pulled out a gun and two small smoke bombs from underneath her bureau. "Bingo!" I slid one of the smoke bombs under the door and waited a few minutes for the smoke to clear. When I walked out, there were only a few traces of smoke left, and the four thieves were out cold. Running out the door at full speed, I proceeded to make my way down to City Hall. When I got there it was pitch dark out, I'd say around midnight. As I walked in, I made my way down to the jail cells. I deduced that Mara had already been there...the guards were out cold. As I walked through the jail, I caught sight of Mara picking the lock on one of the doors...thieves always had to be careful picking jail locks. They were always electrified, making it almost impossible to pick from the inside. One false slip, and you never had to worry about making parole again. Around 2,000 volts were pumped through each lock daily. There was no key to them, so if you wanted to let a prisoner out you had to call up the engineer and tell him which cell to open. Mara was picking the lock very carefully, and since she was putting her full concentration on it, I decided to move fast. At that point I wasn't exactly in any shape to defend myself against both her and Maxine. So being careful not to make a sound, I pulled out my gun and hit her right in the back of the head with it. Mara fell to the ground, unconcious. "Riff!" Max said angrily, "are you crazy?! What the hell are you doing?" "Keeping you from controlling her mind." I said happily. Max rolled her eyes, "Riff sweetie," she said sweetly, clinging onto the bars, "I'm not an alien spy, I'm a duck, see? Now would you do me a big favor and let me out like a good boy?" I thought for a moment. "Nope!" "Dammit Riff, let me out!" She said angrily, trying not to yell for fear of someone hearing her. "hmmm...now where should I put Mara to keep you from controlling her mind?" Maxine sighed, "Why not in the Chief of Police's room?!" she said sarcastically. "Hey, that's a good idea!" I exclaimed, picking Mara up. "You can't be serious!" Max shrieked, reaching an arm out of the cell to try and stop me, "If they find Mara and identify her, they'll kill her!" She said frantically. Apparently, I didn't hear her, because I kept on walking. Maxine quickly grabbed the lock pick Mara had dropped and began picking the lock on her cell, listing all of her sins as she went to work. "If I die, I'm gonna come back and take Riff out with me!" she muttered angrily. After a few unsucessful searches, and NO run-ins with the police (I really must write a letter to them about their security) I finally found the Chief of Police's room. It was very nicely decorated, but he was probably on the payroll of one mob or another so that would explain that. I put Mara down on the bed and handcuffed her wrist to it just in case she woke up and tried to get away. I guess it never occured to me that she could just pick the lock on it. When I walked out, I noticed Amber walk in nervously. "Hey Amber!" I yelled, "C'mere!" Amber jumped half a mile, but when she saw me she ran up. "Don't yell out my name like that Riff! Someone might hear!" "What're you doing here?" I asked. Amber looked around nervously as she spoke, "Well, I overheard the police say they were taking Max to City Hall and I knew Mara was gonna come and rescue her, so I decide to come along and watch...only thing is, I got lost along the way. So did she get Maxine out?" "Nope!" I said happily, "And all because of me!" Amber looked at me strangely, "Where's Mara?" "In there." I jerked a thumb back towards the Chief of Police's room. Amber poked her head in and nearly screamed. "What the hell happened?!" "I knocked her out. She was trying to get Maxine out of jail and I had to stop her." Amber glared at me, "I've got to get her outta there...I'll deal with YOU in a minute!" She said angrily. That's when I remembered that Amber was one of THEM. Just then, five police men ran up the steps. "Who allowed you to come up here?" one of them demanded. I quickly grabbed Amber and shot a grappling hook onto the chandalier, jumping off the balcony. I used the grappling hook to pull us onto the chandalier. "Thanks Riff." She said, extending her hand to me. Instead of shaking her hand, I poured some of the instant drying super glue I had in my pocket on it (What? Mini airplane models are a hobby of mine, IS THAT A CRIME?!) and stuck it to the chandalier. "Riff!" She yelled, "What are you doing?!" "Sorry Amber, but the aliens have taken control of your mind...you're one of THEM! Don't worry, I'll come back and free you when I find a way to get you back to normal." Riff used his grappling hook to lower himself down to the floor. "Gee, what should I do now?" Maxine closed her eyes and turned the pick to the right. She breathed a sigh of relief as she heard the lock click. Max quickly opened the door to the jail cell and ran out, hoping she wasn't too late. As she walked out into the main hallway, she slammed into Riff. "YOU!" she yelled angrily. "uh oh!" I squeaked. She chased me around the room about three times. At that point a few police men began to chase her. Amber watched the giant circle from the chandalier. Maxine did a 180 degree turn and ploughed right through the police and up the stairs. I followed right behind her, wondering what diabolical plot she had in store now. She stopped in the doorway of the Police Chief's bedroom, raising her hands above her head as a sign of surrender. When I saw that, I stopped and hid just beyond the doorway where no one in the room could see me. "Come here." A husky voice said from inside the room. Maxine obediantly entered the room, still holding her hands above her head. I peeked into the room, still concealed enough not to be seen. Apparently the Chief of Police had returned and found Mara handcuffed to his bed. She was just as I left her, lying on the bed unconcious, only now the Police Chief was holding a gun to her head. "I THOUGHT someone would try and rescue her." He said smugly. "I don't know what the hell she's doing here, but I'm not one to question pleasant suprises." he chuckled a little, "This is gonna get me a BIG raise." "Well congratulations." Max muttered angrily. "Sit down." The Police Chief demanded. Maxine didn't move. "Her reward poster didn't specify dead or alive so if I were you I'd sit down before I blow her head off." Maxine obediantly sat down in a nearby chair. The Chief of Police grinned, "Now then, what should I do with you?" I ran out from my hiding place and tackled him, knocking the gun out of his hand. Max quickly ran over and hit him over the head with an expensive looking vase from a nearby coffee table. "What a waste." She said with a sigh. "What? The Police Chief?" I asked. "No you idiot, the vase!" she said. For once, she wasn't being sarcastic. "Don't think this lets you off for being an alien spy." I said strictly. "Riff! Look, just grab Mara and let's get going before more police come!" I guess I was beginning to sober up, because I did what she said. As we ran out, we heard a voice yell "Max! Help me!" Maxine turned to see Amber hanging from the chandalier. "What the- Amber, what are you doing up..." She turned and looked at me, "Nevermind, I think I can guess." I tapped Max on the shoulder. "I think we'd better leave. Those guys don't look too friendly." Max quickly turned to see a whole squad of police men charging up the staircase. "Look, you get Mara out of here, I'll get Amber. Get out of the building and wait for me at the southeast corner, do you understand?!" I nodded, and we both shot grappling hooks onto the ceiling. I ran right out the door carrying Mara while Max took out her saber, still hanging from the ceiling. With two quick slashes from her saber, and a fast catch, she brought Amber to the ground safely. The chandalier, unfortunately, was completely ruined. Amber was basically fine, except, of course, for a small brass bar still attached to one of her hands. "Now where is that fool Riff...AHHHHHH!!" She quickly dashed out to the middle of the busy street to stop me from getting both myself and Mara hit by a car. When she got us safely back to the sidewalk, she yelled, "What the hell were you doing?! I told you to wait at the southeast corner of the building!" I shrugged, pointing across the street, "I thought you meant THAT one." (an honest mistake, really) After slapping me across the face, she took me by the arm and lead me back to Mara's apartment. By now, all of the others were awake, but still very groggy. After they had all recovered and Mara had woken up (about an hour later), they decided my punishment. "Riff, you nearly got me, Max, AND Amber killed due to your reckless behavior! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Oops?" Mara sighed, "We'll talk more about this when you're sober, but I might as well tell you your punishment now. You've been banned from ever drinking alcohol again, but you DID save us from the Police Chief so you're only suspended from active duty for a month, understood?" "Uh...no!" "Good." Mara said angrily, "now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get some ice for my head. Oh yes, and there's one last thing...Amber, for following us specifically against my orders you're grounded for a week." "What?!" she exclaimed, "You can't do that! I don't even live here!" "Well, you do THIS week!" "But Mara-" "I've told you time and time again NEVER to follow me on runs!" Mara said, cutting her off. She smiled a little, "I'll tell you what, I'll cut it down to four days, but only because I feel sorry for you for having that brass rod attached to your arm." Everyone laughed as Amber tried unsucessfully to fold her arms across her chest, "This bites." she muttered. "So guys," I said cheerfully, "how about a drink?!"*** Well, Maxine got in three or so good punches on me before the others pulled her off, but besides that...and a large headache, I'm just fine now! If you wanna know what I think, the others probably just made it up to make me feel bad. "RIFF!" See? They're always ranting about something! It's enough to drive me nuts! "Yeah, yeah, yeah! Alright, I'm sorry!" So...what did YOU do yesterday?? *THE END*
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
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Email: alias_bones@angelfire.com
