AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18: You are progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.
ARIES MAR 21 - APRIL 19: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick. You like having sex in crowds and switching up on partners.
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20: You are practical and persistent. You have lots of determination and work like hell. Most people think you are a snob and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist, who loves oral sex.
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22: You are sympathetic and understanding of others problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are a pussy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot. Most Leos have herpes.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEPT 22: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA SEPT 23 - OCT 22: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and money gains are pathetic. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of Venereal Diseases.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21: You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted. You will screw anything from a witch to a wizard. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. There was never a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
[In all honesty, I've been known to draw up people's astrological charts and interpret them. If you want some real astrology, email me or come over to my house.]
