Scotty,
Today is Tuesday, June 20, 2001. I had a hard time waking up this morning.
A song came on the radio when the alarm went off though
that touched me and got me up.
I had never heard it before...it was called, "I hope you dance".
"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance..
I hope you dance...I hope you dance..."
I got ready this morning, knowing what this day meant..
This is the day of your graduation from elementary school.
This morning instead of waking you up for school and reminding you of what a "big day" it was,
I went to the store at 7 AM.
I purchased flowers and a big beautiful butterfly balloon for the memorial that has been built for you at school..
That is different than what I imagined I would be doing on this day
The words of the song never left my mind though.
Although never hearing it before, I was hearing every word over and over in my head..
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..."
At 6PM I was hurrying to get ready. After all, the ceremony started at 7PM, and I still had to iron my dress.
I wanted to congratulate your friends, like I know you would want me to do.
I cried the whole way there. Words of the song playing through my head, urging me to keep going.
I really didn't want to cry. I didn't want to make today about me..
I wanted it to be about you and your friends, and a celebration.
I choked back my pain and went on.. Thank God for Gail meeting me there.
The fact that I knew I wouldn't be alone was a great comfort.
I put on a smile and entered the same cafeteria I had been in so many other times with you and your sister.
Some of your friends saaw me right away and were waving and smiling at me.
I waved and smiled back, I am so proud of them.
They have been through a horrible ordeal too. Losing you.
They have done so well.. I watched them all proudly walk up to the stage,
I heard them call out all of the names in alphabetical order.
I was preparing myself to not hear your name when your wonderful, angel of a teacher called it out anyway.
Although, I know I don't have to tell you this because I am sure you were there,
and that it meant as much to you as it did to me.
I tried to congratulate and talk to your friends but the tears were right on the surface
and I knew I couldn't hide them for much longer, so I began to walk away.
I paused at your memorial but when people who didn't know who I was, started looking and commenting
about how sad it was, I had to leave.
I wonder if you came with me, Scotty.
But I understand if you hung around to watch all of your friends...
I hope you danced.....
When I got home I all of a sudden got an empty feeling.
Tiffany got out of the car, and I started to cry and couldn't stop..
It all of a sudden occurred to me that all of your friends parents got to take their children home.
And I was getting out of the car from your graduation without you...
I miss you so much.. You are in my thoughts every minute..
I hope you are dancing..
I felt you with me today.. I got your message, and I will try to dance too..
Love, Mom
September 28, 2001
Today was Scotty's birthday.
I cannot believe that I have already spent 3 of Scotty's birthdays without him.
I really think this one has been the hardest so far.
I am aching with pain.
I miss my little boy.
My comedian, my pride, my son..
Why can't we turn back the hands of time?
Before July 5, 1999, I never knew how very cruel clocks and calendars can be.
No matter how much pain I am in, or how much I wish it wouldn't
Time keeps marching on...
More days since I saw, held, or talked to Scotty.
I believe he is in Heaven and is OK.
I also believe I will one day be reunited with him.
It just still feels wrong that my son is somewhere that
I have never been and never seen.
He should be here with me.
Today I was driving out to the cemetery with the girls.
I was crying and crying, silently behind my sunglasses as I drove.
I decided I needed to take a deep breath, and stop so I wouldn't upset them.
So, I turned on the radio, and immediately recognized the song;
"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
Dance....I hope you dance."
A lot of people may think I am crazy, but I believe it is Scotty
Encouraging and comforting me, telling me I can do it.
At my darkest moments, I am always blessed with some gift of comfort.
Maybe I subconsciously find these things so I don't completely lose it
But I choose to believe it is my son.
I need to believe that.
I need to feel him with me, or I couldn't go on...
So Happy Birthday Scotty.....We sent balloons up to heaven today
Did you see them?
I love you so much...my life is incomplete without you.
I will celebrate your birthday always and remember and miss you every minute.
Thank you for being with me today, it was a sad celebration
But your love warmed my heart..
Keep dancing, my brave boy, and I will try to dance too.
Love,
Mom
March 2002
It happened again. These past few months have been
particularly hard for me…for many reasons.
Of course, my #1 reason is that I miss Scotty so much…
much more of it is stress of everyday life.
Taking care of 3 very different little girls on 3 very different schedules.
One in High School, one in Elementary School and one in diapers.
The older girls help a lot with Haley. Their help is priceless…but with such different age groups,
I am just real busy. But worth every minute are 3 treasures I call Miranda, Tiffany and Haley.
They are my biggest joy and any stress is worth every minute.
There was a lot going on personally in my life and I was feeling extremely overwhelmed.
It happened in the grocery store. I was walking through the grocery store crying
(any bereaved parent can relate to that!!). Although I was very overwhelmed,
I still had the conciousness to realize that I would rather not be crying in my local grocery store.
Anyway, I was lamenting about everyday life stress
(having what I call one of my ~ many ~ “mini-nervous breakdowns”).
I was about to leave my cart (which, by the way, I desperately needed!)
and I was having a heartfelt conversation with God (not outloud ~ I was too busy crying) .
I was telling him that I was hitting the “more than I could bare” area and that I miss my Scotty.
Then I turned my conversation to my son.
I said it isn’t fair that I have to go so long without anything.
I was begging him to just give me any sign that he is still here with me.
I told him I wasn’t ok. Then the “grocery store” music changed. I couldn’t even believe it myself…
“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
may you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed”
I started laughing and crying at the same time…
by now the people who saw me crying in front of the yogurt were slowing up
and wondering what I was going to do next! (lol!) I said, out-loud right there in the store,
“Thank you Scotty, I love you…
Ok, I get it, things aren’t that bad….I’ll try to dance!”
I composed my self the best I could, made the decision that I had
all I needed in the cart and made my way up the check out stand.
But I was still listening:
“Time is a wheel of constant motion…..
always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder…..
where those years have gone….”
Well, my sweet son, you have overwhelmed me with your wisdom once again.
You always seem to know what I need, even when I don’t.
I have been struggling to dance. I know you have seen that.
In your honor I will do anything.
If continuing in this “dance” is what you want and need from me then I will, Scotty.
You know that. Thank you for being here for me. You will never leave my heart.
I hope you are dancing and I will keep trying to dance, too…I love you. Thanks.
Love, Mom
