The Cast
Snow White: Peach
The Wicked Queen: Bowser
Prince Charming: Jazzman
The Huntsman: Smash
The Dwarves: Badgers
Advisor: Mewd
The Story
Once upon a time there lived a princess named Peach. She was very pretty and nice, but her evil stepmother, Queen Bowser (don't ask), hated her and made her do all sorts of menial chores. Unfortunately, Bowser was also very vain. Every day he would stand in front of his magic mirror and say: "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, am I good-looking or what?" And the mirror would always shatter. After 17 years of this, Bowser decided to ask his advisor why this happened.
Bowser: Well, advisor, why does my mirror keep breaking on me?
Mewd: Well, er... your highness, it may be because, well...
Bowser: WELL WHAT?!
Mewd: You might not be the best-looking one in the land.
Bowser: WHAT?!
Mewd: Well... I mean there may be someone who-
Bowser promptly barbecued the advisor.
Bowser: I MUST find this... person, this… thing that hath confounded my mirror! I MUST banish the nave to yon forest, and I MUST find out why I'm talking like this!
So Peach promptly retreated to the nearest woods upon hearing Bowser’s demand, and survived for a whole ten minutes until falling unconscious. How she managed to hear Bowser we will never know. In any case, she woke up to find she had wandered so deep into the woods that... well, she didn't have any bloody idea where she was. Wherever she was, she was sitting outside some weird hut. She walked in to find that she was already inside it! Amazed, she walked into an overhanging ceiling board and fell unconscious again.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the forest...
7 Badgers: (singing) Hi-ho, hi-ho, a-badgering we go!
The 7 badgers headed home from their badgering to their hut. The badgers arrived to find the front door open.
Badger 1: Somebody's been opening our door!
They rushed inside to find a bunch of muddy footprints inside.
Badger 2: Somebody's been walking on our floor!
Next they found a ceiling beam with a huge dent in it. The badgers stomped towards it.
Badger 3: Somebody's been banging their head on our ceiling beams!
Peach: (from the floor) And somebody's standing on my head!
All the badgers screamed in unison.
Peach: Who the heck are you?
Badger 3: We're the seven badgers of the woods. Who're you?
Peach: Who wants to know?
Badger 4: We do!
Peach: I asked first!
Then the badgers introduced themselves to Peach due to lack of any plot movement.
Badger 1: Hi, I'm Stinky!
Badger 2: Hi, I'm Dinky!
Badger 3: Hi, I'm Finky!
Badger 4: Hi, I'm Binky!
Badger 5: Hi, I'm Tinky!
Badger 6: Hi, I'm Winky!
Badger 7: Hi, I'm Bob!
Peach: Bob? What kind of in insanely stupid parents would name their children that? What are you, some kind of parody of the seven dwarves?
Badgers: ... Well, yeah.
Meanwhile...
Queen Bowser: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, am I good looking or what?
The mirror immediately exploded into a thousand shards.
Bowser: Grr! Peach is still alive! GUARDS!
Smash walks in.
Smash: You fired them, remember?
Bowser: Oh, yeah. Well then... you go kill Peach and bring me back her brain.
Smash: Make me.
Bowser: Um... die, fool!
Smash: Maybe later.
Bowser: Ok.
Narrator: But you have to try to kill her. It's in the script.
Smash: (gasp) The... the SCRIPT? I can't go against THAT!
Smash runs off to try to kill Peach.
Dinky: Now then, what're you doing here?
Peach explains the whole story.
Stinky: Wow! So Bowser's a woman? I had no idea.
Peach: But what am I gonna do now?
Bob: You can stay here with us!
Peach: Really? Why how nice of you!
Bob: Of course you'll have to do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, darning...
Bob continues reciting random chore names until the hours slowly and painfully tick away.
Bob: ... and figure out how to make cold fusion work. Is that alright?
Peach runs screaming into the woods.
Bob: Do you think it was something I said?
Tinky: Should we go after her?
Winky: Nah, she'll be back. Just as soon as she runs into the huntsman.
Dinky: How do you know about that?
Winky: I read the last part of the story.
Dinky: Oh.
So Smash continued running through the woods ranting something about having to obey the script until he ran into Snow Peach.
Smash: I'll get you!
Peach: Eek!
Peach ran all the way back to the hut-of-badgers and slammed the door in Smash's face, knocking him out. When he came to, he found himself lying at the foot of Bowser's castle holding the heart of a (censored) in his hand.
Smash: Eew. Huh? What happened?
Narrator: You were too kind-hearted to kill Snow Peach, so you let her escape and got the heart/brain/whatever of a (censored) instead.
Smash: And you know this because?
Narrator: It was in the script.
Smash: Oh, I must obey the script!
Narrator: Right. Now go tell Bowser that you killed Snow Peach.
Smash ran off.
Later...
Smash: Hey, Queen thingy!
Bowser: Yeah what?
Smash: I got the brain of Snow Peach!
Smash suddenly tripped and the brain of the (censored) flew into Bowser's mouth.
Bowser: … Tastes like chicken. So where's the brain of Snow Peach?
Smash: You... just...
Bowser: I just WHAT, peasant?
Smash: You ate it.
Bowser: ... You mean... that... was...
Smash: I'm afraid so.
Bowser ran into the kitchen and poured a large bucket of water down his throat. Bowser ran back into the room.
Bowser: You idiot! You never serve brains without paprika! It just isn't done!
Bowser threw Smash into the dungeon for all his trouble.
Bowser: At last! I'm the best-looking one in the land!
The next day, at his mirror...
Bowser: Mirror, Mirror on the-
The mirror exploded in a fiery rage.
Bowser: ... Well that hasn't happened before.
Three hours later, Bowser decided that it must mean that Snow Peach was still alive!
Bowser: It must mean that Snow Peach is still alive! Well I'll fix her... once I figure out where she is.
Meanwhile, back at the hut o' badgers...
Blinky: (sigh) Y'know, it sure is nice around here since she came around.
Bob: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Peach stood up holding a armload of laundry enough to baffle any other and smirked with a sarcastic grin.
Peach: Suuure it has.
Bob: I'm hungry.
Peach: Tough.
Badgers: We want food!
Peach: What do I look like, a slave?
Tinky: No, but through vigorous training we can make you appear that way.
Peach: (sigh) I wish Bowser would hurry up with the poison apple bit.
Meanwhile...
A random whim forced Smash to cook up a potion to make Bowser even uglier than he was already. Smash tossed a coupla moldy socks into the brew.
Later...
Smash ran out into the throne room.
Smash: Queen Bowser! I have something for you!
Bowser: How did you get out of prison?
Smash: ... I really don't know.
Bowser: Oh well. What do you want?
Smash: I have a magic potion that will make you into an ugly old hag!
Bowser: NOW WHY WOULD I WANT A POTION TO MAKE ME UGLY?! THE WHOLE IDEA IS FOR ME TO BE THE BEST-LOOKING ONE IN THE LAND!
Smash: Erm, well, you see...
Bowser calls for his guards and Smash is dragged screaming from the room.
Bowser: A potion to make me ugly, imagine.
Narrative disembodied voice: You could've used it to sneak up on Snow Peach so she wouldn't recognize you.
Bowser: Yeah I... hey! What a great idea! I'll use the potion to sneak up on Snow Peach so she won't recognize me! What a genius I am!
Bowser grabbed the potion and ran from the room. Bowser then drank it and actually looked better.
Despite the fact that his head had grown three sizes larger and his head was being held together by a vice and a large paper sack had been draped over his head with the image of an old lady on it.
Later...
Peach: That's it! I'm gonna sue!
Badger: We're sorry, but would it be too much to ask to have you do a series of menial tasks compiling you into a rage of frustration and anger until it bubbled out of you like a fountain and you brought death and suffering to anyone who laid eyes on you?
Peach: I shall not repeat myself.
Peach went into a rage of frustration and all the aforementioned stuff.
Narrator: Get on with it, this thing’s already way to chaotic as it is.
Peach's rage died down.
Peach: Fine! (whispering to badger) I'll deal with you later!
Voice from the woods: Oh, I'm lost. I wish someone like Snow Peach would come help a helpless old hag in out of the woods so we can get on with the hopeless story.
Peach: Now who could that be? And how come I can hear it from here?
The badgers decided to go see who it was. Unfortunately, they ran off in exactly the opposite direction, leaving Peach alone and defenseless as Bowser approached.
Peach: Well that figures!
Bowser: (in an old lady voice) Could you give a poor lost disgusting hag a drink of water?
Peach: What am I gonna get out of it?
Bowser: I have a nice cart with me of assorted magic produce. Apples, pears, peaches, kumquats... all with the power to grant wishes!
Peach: Am I supposed to fall for that?
Bowser: According to the laws of stupid damsels in distress, yes.
Peach: Oh. Okay.
So Peach went to get a glass of water and gave it to Bowser.
Peach: So where's this cart?
Bowser: It's... er...
Awkward silence
A cart full of fruit magically appeared in the middle of the room through no logical explanation. Peach looked over the cart carefully.
Peach: Hmm... I'll take this artichoke.
Meanwhilst…
The badgers had wandered some four miles away, painstakingly searching for the hag in high hopes. They were never seen again. Reports a number of years later claimed they had been eaten by a dragon along with a number of dwarves and a hobbit. However this couldn't be proven.
Meanwhile...
Snow Peach ate the poison artichoke and was put into a trance so that for years she merely stared into space reciting bed commercials. She stayed in this predicament until she finally keeled over dead. Since the seven badgers had been eaten, a wandering group of seven Koopalings decided to place her in a clear plastic coffin.
Lemmy: Remind me why we're doing this?
Ludwig: Because her beauty is so great that we must be able to see it even in death!
Wendy: You know that before long she's going to be a rotting corpse.
Ludwig: That's beside the point.
Just then a prince rode up riding his noble steed.
Jazzman: I am Prince Swingin', the hero of this fairy tale, ya dig? Who's the dame in the box?
Larry: Beats the heck out of us, we're just gonna bury her.
Jazzman: What? Y'mean you cats are just goin' to bury 'er?
Ludwig began to pull what hair he had out in frustration.
Ludwig: Stop talking like that!
Jazzman: ...Fine. Anyway, let me open the box for a bit.
Wendy: Why?
Jazzman: (grinning) Just let me do a little somethin'.
Roy: Dude, The worlds screwed up enough without you trying to make out with a corpse.
Jazz: No, it’s not like that.
Roy: Oh, carry on then.
Jazzman leaned over and kissed Snow Peach. Immediately she woke up and looked at him.
Peach: FRESH!
Peach slapped him.
Jazzman: (rubbing the side of his face) Ooh, she likes me, daddy-o.
Peach: Argh, he's a lounge-lizard!
Jazzman: I'm a lounge... WHAT?
Just then Peach realized that he's a prince and that he just saved her from an evil spell and therefore according to the Laws of Fairy Tales they must be married and live happily ever after.
Peach: Oh great! Now I gotta marry a turtle! It was bad enough having one for a stepmother/father...
And so the Koopalings were in complete trauma due to seeing the two adults fighting one another, which affected them later in life. Anywho once Jazzman had managed to run a safe distance everyone lived semi-happily ever after. Ooh, then we had third impact.
The following parties are to blame for the existence of this story: Mewd, Jazzman, Smash, Makina, and myself. Blame also goes to Lemmy for editing, publishing, and whatever-else-the-heck-he-does-to-this-stuff-before-he-puts-it-up.
I now badger you to move on!
Back to CFG
Tour the Rest of My Realm
