Parts to be Played:
Jack: Bowser
Old man who he gets the beans from: Mewd
Giant: Smash
Golden duck: Jazzman
Magic harp: Gillian
Cow: Deathclaw Mother: Clawdia
Once upon a time, sometime last week, a young family of a Koopas consisting of a boy named Bowser and his mother named Clawdia lived alone in the dangerous suburbs of Los Angelos. In fear for their lifes, they stayed inside most of the time and constantly made conspiracy theories. But as they shortly ran out of the free samples they had stockpiled, they were forced to try and find some form of income. Bowser looked down at Deathclaw, his beloved pet cow, and wished he wouldn't have to do what he was about to do.
Clawdia: It's for the best, dear.
Bowser: Okay mother, whatever you say.
Moments later... Bowser slammed his fist onto the side of a merchant's cart.
Bowser: Three dollars and some magic beans? What do you take me for? A fool? Of course I'll take it!
The merchant then took the leash Bowser was holding and walked off with his mother at the end of it.
Clawdia: Be good dear, bye!
Bowser: Well Deathclaw, things are begining to look up!
Deathclaw: Moo.
So Bowser went to Vegas and started gambling. He was on a winning streak and was piling up money until the casino figured out that he was using loaded dice. So they fined him 2000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 dollars, sent him and his cow to prison for five years, and made him watch the Teletubbies.
After he got out of prison...
Bowser: Well, now I'm down to Deathclaw and the beans!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: There's just one problem... I'M ALLERGIC TO BEANS!!!
Deathclaw: Moo.
So Bowser was walking along one day when insanity overcame him and he had a sudden craving for beans. So he ate them and went into a sneezing fit. He sneezed so hard he was blown into an alternate universe that was ruled by Morton, where all food except wedding cake was outlawed. But since this wasn't important to the story he got sent back. Anywho, he was very upset that he'd eaten the beans until he realized that he had one left! But then he remembered that he was allergic to beans, had a big hissy fit for three hours, and threw it out the window.
Bowser: Now what am I gonna eat?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser looks at Deathclaw.
Bowser: (grinning evilly) Deathclaw, could you help me out in the back for a second? I need some help with these knives...
Deathclaw: &#%&%^# NO!
Bowser: What?
Deathclaw: Uh, moo.
So Bowser wrestled the kicking screaming cow into the back, wherever that is supposed to be, and found that the bean he had thrown out had already grown into a stupidly tall beanstalk.
Bowser: Wow! That's a stupidly tall bean stalk!!!
So he left the stupid cow behind for someone to stupidly drop back into the plot later and prepared to climb the stupidly tall bean stalk. He got all the necessary equipment, gear, and granola bars, and started the treacherous climb. As Bowser climbed slowly, jamming granola bars into the side and lacing a rope through them, he thought to himself how effective this method was.
Deathclaw: Moo.
After he got to the top, Bowser looked around and found himself standing at the foot of a monstrous castle.
Deathclaw, from right beside him: Moo.
Bowser: How did YOU get here?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: What's that mean anyway?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: Why am I asking a cow?
Deathclaw: Moo.
So Bowser looked up at the castle. There was a sign hanging out front.
INSIDE THIS CASTLE IS A BIG EVIL GIANT WHO LIKES TO EAT KOOPAS AND COWS AND FORCE THEM TO WATCH INFOMERCIALS! STAY OUT!
Bowser: Hmm... let's go in!
Deathclaw: Moo.
So Bowser and Deathclaw walked up to the castle. But before they got there they heard a voice from inside.
Voice: Fee Fi fo... fo...ah, forget about it! I smell the blood of a Koopa and a cow!
Bowser: Could that be the giant that the sign was talking about?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: I thought it was a bluff.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: Maybe we should leave. (kicks Deathclaw) Say it and you're as good as steak!
Deathclaw: ....
Bowser: So if-
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: I'll grind your bones to make my bread and uh... then you'll be really really dead!
Bowser: AAHH! What are we gonna do?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: That's easy for you to say!
Stupidly Huge Smash: You better not be here to steal my Playstation.
Bowser: You don't have a Playstation, you idiot.
Stupidly Huge Smash: Good, then there's no reason for you to want it.
Bowser: Er... my head hurts.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: Then, you better not be here to steal my golden duck!
Bowser: Your.... WHAT?
Jazzman the Duck: Quack, Daddy-o.
Bowser: What would I want with a duck that talks like a... TALKS?!
Jazzman: Quack, Daddy-o.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: Great, two of them!
Stupidly Huge Smash: Or my magic harp!
Bowser: A talking golden duck and a magic harp?! WOW! I wonder what else this guy's got!
Bowser ran off and began ransacking the castle for loot, completely ignoring Smash and Deathclaw.
Stupidly Huge Smash: ...
Deathclaw: Moo.
Jazzman: Quack, Daddy-o.
Stupidly Huge Smash: Uh, which way did he go, George?
Bowser: Who's George?
Stupidly Huge Smash: Uh...
Deathclaw: Moo.
Jazzman: Quack, Daddy-o.
Bowser: STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: I give up!
Bowser continued ransacking the castle.
Stupidly Huge Smash: STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
Smash picked up Bowser in one enormous claw and held him over his mouth.
Bowser: No! Don't eat me!
Stupidly Huge Smash: Sorry kid. Giants' Union rules.
Bowser: Somebody do something!
Deathclaw: Moo, Daddy-o.
Jazzman: Copycow, Daddy-o!
Smash: Blast the lot of you! You brought chaos to my lair, you shall be punished accordingly.
Then Smash grabbed both Bowser and his beloved cow and put them in a plastic baggie and hung them over a gigantic fireplace.
Bowser: Oh, great! What are we going to do now?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: You know, it would almost be worth staying here if YOU'D LEARN TO SAY SOMETHING NEW!!!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Suddenly, Bowser had an idea!
Bowser: Deathclaw, all we have to do is... beg for mercy!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: Oh, please don't cook us! Please don't eat me! I taste like sawdust!
Smash: Eat you? Blech! Ptooey! You're sickening!
Smash cut the rope holding Bowser above the fire.
Bowser: (falling) Wheeeeeeee!
Just before they fell in, Jazzman threw a bucket of water over the fire. Bowser and Deathclaw fell to the bottom of the fireplace with a THUD!
Bowser: Ooooooooooh, my aching shell...
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: What happened to the fire?
Stupidly Huge Smash stupidly leaned over to see where the fire went. Jazzman lit it up again.
Stupidly Huge Smash: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Jazzman: Barbeque, Daddy-o.
Bowser: Moo.
Deathclaw: Who?
Bowser: You.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Meanwhile, Stupidly Huge Smash ran around with his face burning, looking for a bucket of water. He found one and stuck his head in. Unfortunately, It was really a bucket of kerosene.
Stupidly Huge Smash: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! My face!
Bowser: If mine looked like that, I'd be screaming too!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Fortunately, since Smash is 1/4 dragon, he is immune to fire.
Stupidly Huge Smash: You shall smart for this!
Stupidly Huge Smash administered the Dragon Stare of Paralyzation on Bowser and then began to torture Bowser by singing. As the high-pitched squeal enough to deafen a banshee emitted, Bowser's ears almost bled enough for him to die.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: (crying) MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
Smash continued singing until there is a scream from nearby.
Gillian: Stop it! You sound like a dying cat in a hailstorm!
Jazzman: Really, da-
Gillian: AND YOU SHUT UP TOO!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Gillian: AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE WALKING HAMBURGER!!!
Bowser: Who is that?
Smash: Gillian! My magic harp! She talks!
Bowser: I noticed!
Smash: And she sings!
Bowser: Hopefully better than you...
Smash brings out Gillian.
Smash: (evil grin) Sing for them.
Gillian began to make a noise like nails on a chalk board. Apparently, she considered it music.
Bowser: WAAAAAAAHHH! Why did I ever come to this horrible place?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Gillian: Are you insulting my singing?!
Bowser: I'm not saying it's bad, but I've heard Banshees who were better!
Smash: Silence! Insolent pest, you have invaded my house, insulted my harp, and you are DROOLING on my floor! This cannot go unpunished. For this you will spend the next 700 years in my dungeon listening to Disco! Ha hahahaha, haaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!
Bowser: Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: And as for the cow...
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: I'm going to... smother it with complete and undying affection.
Deathclaw screamed and ran from the room.
Jazzman: Quack, Daddy-o.
Bowser: I'm gonna shoot myself if this story doesn't end soon.
Stupidly Huge Smash: Moo.
Bowser: Who?
Deathclaw: You!
Ghost who has no business being here who was put here for the sake of the gag: Boo, Daddy-o!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: What's going on here?! I've had it! This plot's not moving very quickly, so I will have to force it to move.
Smash then chucked Bowser out the window. And Bowser fell all the way back down the stupidly tall beanstalk to the point where he had stupidly started to climb, and landed (through some stupid circumstance) on the back of his stupid cow (who was left there earlier. remember?).
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: Quick! Deathclaw, help me cut down this stupidly tall beanstalk! Smash is coming down it! Hurry, Deathclaw!
Narrator: Um, how do you know Smash is going to climb down?
Bowser: Because this is a Jack and the Beanstalk parody, you idiot! Deathclaw, hurry!
Deathclaw slowly, apathetically moped over to the stupidly tall beanstalk and headbutt it half-heartedly. The ground rumbled and the beanstalk shook and fell to the ground with a THUD!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Stupidly Huge Smash: (from underneath stalk) Unh...
Narrator who is suddenly present: So what has everyone learned from this story?
Bowser: Not a #%%$% thing! I'm right back where I was at the start!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Jazzman who by all logic should be up in the castle: Quack, Daddy-o.
Smash stumbled out of the large crater he had created at that point, and lumbered toward Bowser.
Stupidly Huge Smash: Fee fi fo... forget it! I'm coming after you!
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser: You... you don't want to eat me, I'm... I'm... I'm high in fat!
Stupidly Huge Smash continued toward Bowser. Bowser grabbed Jazzman.
Bowser: Take one more step and the duck gets it!
Jazzman: Quack, Daddy-o.
SH Smash: What do I care? Even if it does talk, it's just a stupid duck!
Jazzman laid a golden egg.
Stupidly Huge Smash: You never told me you could do that!
Jazzman: You never asked, Daddy-o.
Bowser: Since when do male ducks lay eggs, anyway?
Deathclaw: Moo.
Bowser and Smash: SHUT UP!
They both jumped upon Deathclaw in a scene too graphic for words. When the dust cleared, Deathclaw was gone.
Jazzman: Where's the beef, Daddy-o?
When Jazzman spoke up, they both remembered they were fighting over a duck that could make them rich.
Bowser and Smash: Oh yeah, we're fighting over a duck that could make us rich!
Smash lumbered over, kneeling down and grasped Bowser's hand as they began to arm wrestle over the duck. Smash sweated as he barely held back his hand from slamming down. Bowser too had equal trouble keeping his in place.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Smash: AAAAAAAH!
Smash was so startled he slammed his hand to the ground, flattening Bowser.
Stupidly Huge Smash: I won! I WON!!! Now where's that duck?
Smash looked around and realized that Jazzman and Deathclaw were both gone.
Stupidly Huge Smash: Ah, nutbunnies!
And so Jazzman went to Las Vegas and bet his golden eggs and cleaned out every casino in town. He then bought the entire city and now makes more money in an hour than Bill Gates does in a year. And he and his CEO Deathclaw lived happily ever after.
Deathclaw: Moo.
Story written by: Mewd, Smash, Jazzman, and myself. Thanks to Lemmy for posting it, editing it, and otherwise improving our work.
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