Parts:
Bowser: Host
Smash: Annoying voice from offstage
Makina: One of those people displaying the prizes
Everyone Else: Contestants
Bowser: I am-
Smash: Shaddup, you fool! Welcome to Bowser's Quiz Show. Yes, I know it's a stupid name, but I didn't make it up.
Cut to Lemmy, Mewd, and Jazzman sitting under 10-ton weights.
Smash: Now, here are the stakesm Miss one question, and one Koopa gets it. Miss two and they both get it. Miss three and they get it and so do YOU! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa… and now, a word from our sponsor.
Commercial announcer jumping on stage: This broadcast of Bowser's Quiz Show is brought to you by Jell-o, Plit's favorite gelatin snack!
The announcer jumps offstage.
Smash: And welcome back! Since I'm not the host, I'll let Bowser take over now.
Bowser: Uh... ok, well, let's pick our first contestant from the audience. From seat 82, Mewd, come on down!
Mewd: ... But I-
Bowser: GET DOWN HERE, FELINE!
Ten minutes of make-up and whatnot later...
Bowser is standing behind a typical game show host podium and Mewd is standing behind his podium looking extremely nervous.
Bowser: So tell us about yourself.
Mewd: Well, my name's Mewd and-
Bowser: SHUT UP! Let's begin the game! Question number one, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Mewd: ... What kinda question is that?
Bowser: SILENCE! Your choices are: 15 pounds, 8 ounces, none, or potato. You have 15 nanoseconds.
Mewd: Well I-
Bowser: Time's up! What is your answer?
Mewd: Uh, B!
Bowser: THAT'S CORRECT! Makina, please tell him what he's won!
Makina: A bucket of Jack Squat! The world's leading void! And remember, "If it ain't Jack Squat, it ain't nothin'." Back to you, Bowser!
Bowser: For our next question, if you're in there, sitting under one of those weights, how are you out here?
Mewd: I was sucked through a plot hole.
Bowser: I DIDN'T READ THE ANSWERS! And besides, you did not answer in the form of an aardvark.
Mewd takes off his face, revealing an aardvark.
Mewd: Happy now?
Bowser: ... Yeah, now for the next question.
Bowser reads off a question in Swahili.
Mewd: ... What?
Bowser: Hey, no one said this would all be in English! Now your choices are: George Washington, the moon, a horde of rabid badgers, or potato. ANSWER, FREAK!
Mewd: Uh... uh... well...
Bowser: Is that your FINAL answer?
Mewdvark: That WASN'T an answer!
Bowser: Judges?
Judge 1 holds up a sign reading "correct". Judge 2 holds up a sign reading "incorrect". Judge 3 holds up a sign reading "BadgersRCool". Judge 4 holds up a sign reading "I'm a judge and you're not.
nyahnyanyahnyanyaah, nyaaaah."
Bowser: Correct! Take him to the bonus round!
Two burly guards drag the Mewdvark off to an arena where two Sledge Brothers with hammers are standing in one corner, and Mewdvark is in the other.
Bowser:Now here is the bonus round. If you can beat these two in a battle to the death, you win 10,000,000 gold coins. If not, you don't lose anything and we send your body home with your other prizes. Soooo, let's get ready to rum-
Smash: Say it and you're as good as barbecue!
Bowser: (ahem) Let's begin.
Mewdvark: (gulp)
Bowser: Your first battle...
A horde of rabid wombats leap out at Mewd and mangle him horribly.
Mewd: Ow...
Mewd faints.
Smash: As rules guru, I sez he survived for 20 seconds, and so he wins!
Mewd is dragged back to his podium, where his corpse is sprinkled with holy root beer and brought back to life.
Moonshine Man, formerly known as Root Beer Man, comes up and starts shouting at everybody.
Makina: What next?
Smash:... Security.
The two Sledge Brothers appear and pummel Makina into nonexistence.
Smash: Now then...
Bowser: Weren't they supposed to beat up Root Beer Man?
Smash: ... Oops.
Bowser: Well, I guess we'll just have to let him take her place!
Root Beer Man gives a shout of joy and takes Makina's spot.
Bowser: Now then-
All of a sudden Makina pops back to life.
Root Beer Man: Ah aint Rewt Beer Man ennymohr, ah'm Mewnshahn Man!
Makina: GET OUT OF HERE NOW, MOONSHINE MAN!!!
Makina then beats Moonshine Man to a bloody pulp and resumes her place.
Smash: Stupid Moonshine Man!
Mewd: Ow...
Bowser: Let's get on with it!
Smash: Yes, let's get the $%^$&%*&%& on with it!
Bowser: Mewd, your next question is, "What is 2+2?" Is it A: 22, B: Potato,, C: Potato, or D:Potato?
Mewd: The answer is E, Al Gore!
Bowser:I'm sorry vermin, but your miserable answer is incorrect. However, you can still win the fabulous prize behind door X if you can beat these two Sledge Brothers in a duel to the death!
Mewd: Not again.
Makina: But there isn't no prize!
Bowser: Shut up, Makina.
Immediately after entering the arena Mewd is pummeled to death, forcing them to pick SOMEONE ELSE to torture.
Bowser: Um...we don't have any more contestants. What do we do now?
Smash: What about the others under the weights?
Bowser presses a button which causes the weights to come crashing down on the other contestants.
Bowser: What about them?
Then Makina comes up to Bowser.
Makina: Bowser, you IDIOT! Now you don't have anybody left to torture! Nevermind, I take that back, you have Moonshine Man.
Moonshine Man: Let me play yer stewpid gayhm!
Bowser looks at Smash.
Smash: (shrugging) We have to fill up the time slot.
Bowser: (sigh) Come on...
Moonshine Man: Yippee! Yippe-ay-o ciay!
Bowser: Uh, yeah. So anyway, the first question is-
Moonshine Man: That'd be George Washington!
Bowser: ... Huh?
Moonshine Man: Yeah, he came from th' jungle.
Bowser: Your first question is, "What is the exact number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt?" Your choices are: 656416586405645, 3, potato, or live long and prosper. You have eight seconds.
Moonshine Man: Pawtaytoh.
Bowser: No! Wrong!
Bowser then picks up Moonshine Man and puts him with the rabid badgers.
Makina: This is so entertaining.
Makina then proceeds to begin fixing her hair.
By this time, the audience has had it and is desperately trying to get out of the seats they are chained to.
Bowser watches the fight going on in the pit with the rabid badgers.
Bowser: Your left! Use your left! That's it! Now turn around and...OOH! THAT HAS GOT TO HURT! Well, I think we're gonna need a new contestant. So... who's it gonna be?
There is silence as all eyes slowly turn toward one of the badgers.
Bowser: Hm.....
Badger: Yeah? Whattaya want?
Bowser: Would you like to be our next contestant?
Badger: Well I-
Bowser: (yanking the badger off his feet in one hand) Great! Come on down! Have a seat.
Badger: Well I-
Bowser: YOU WILL SIT, HAIRBALL!
Bowser picks up the badger and ties him to the contestant's seat.
Bowser: Your first question is, "Who is the president of the United States?" A, Al Gore, B, George W. Bush, C, Bill Clinton, or D, potato. You have more time than you deserve, meaning none. ANSWER, FLEABAG!
Badger: Uh... .eh...
Bowser: A? Wrong! Makina, get him!
Makina picks him up and does somthing so cruel to the badger that it's cut out of the script.
Badger: PLEASE! No more Teletubbies!
Bowser: Now for the bonus round...
Badger: Nooo! Please make it stop!
Bowser: If you get this question right, you win one million dollars!
Badger: No I... what?! Let me at it!
Bowser: But if you miss it...
Bowser holds out a copy of Barney Meets Mr. Rogers in Teletubby Land.
Badger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO000000000000000000000000000...
Three hours later...
Badger: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (cough, hack, wheeze)
Bowser: Yes! Let's get started! Which of the following running gags appear at some point on the
Lemmy's land Campfire Board? A, an emotionless cow, B, badgers, C, WEDDING
CAKE!!!, D, potato, E, potato, or F, potato .
Badger: Hm... this one's tough.
Bowser: You've gotta be kidding me! Who wrote this question? They're ALL right!
Badger: PEARL HARBOR!
Bowser: ...
Badger: ... Um, San Juan Hill?
Bowser: WRONG! HA! Now for the torture....
Badger: No! I'll do anything! I'll even watch a funeral! Please not Barney Meets Mr. Rogers in Teletubby Land! The thought scars me emotionally.
Makina: Yes! Ha ha!
Badger: Noo! INSTEAD I'LL BADGER YOU!!!
The badger chases after Makina, knocking over furniture and causing general mayhem.
Bowser: Now THIS is entertaining! We're getting this on tape, right?
Cameraman: Tape? There's supposed to be tape in this thing?
Bowser: ... Ah, who cares?
This degenerates into an interviewesque all-out brawl with chairs flying and an occasional cry of "BADGER THIS!!!"
Cameraman: Um, Bowser, we're over our timeslot.
Bowser: Huh, oh. Well, until next time (and there WILL be a next time), stay miserable, and we'll see you again at this same time next week on Bowser's quiz show, OR ELSE!
Badger: Or else I'LL BADGER YOU!!!
This monster was created by Jazzman von Koopa, Smash, Mewd, Makina, and myself. Lemmy Koopa is also partially responsible for this, so it's not all our fault.
Leave while you still can!
Lose some of your sanity to the CFG
Lose all of your sanity to my Realm
