Author's Note: Allright, this is my first long story, so be nice. I hope you like it, all comments and suggestions are welcomed. It will be posted in parts, not all together, so look for a new chapter every week or so.

Disclaimer:I realise I did not make up the Voyager characters. Paramount did, so they own them. I never did, am or will make any money off this story. I did, however, create the character Julia.

Journal of Kathryn Janeway
Day 99, Year 3

Today was a devastating day. That’s putting it mildly. These kinds of days are the type you have nightmares about. The snowstorm, then the collapsing buildings. The medical emergencies and Alea Sanderson’s disappearance. I’ll start from the beginning of this mess.

I woke up to a spring snowstorm, and snow covering the ground. Tom called it a freak storm, happening so late in the spring. Our early crops were ruined, and all the livestock had to be brought into the barns. This has never happened before, and it caused severe damage to the entire settlement.

I called a meeting, and all were present except B’Elanna since her baby is due in a week-and-a-half. Harry reports that although food will be tight next winter, we will not have to worry about starvation. At least one good thing happened.

I went home to find that during the meeting, the storm had gotten worse. Winds were blowing down some of our weaker buildings. The hastily made storage facilities were all in ruins. Our older structures, such as our first houses, were on a verge of collapse. Repair teams were assigned immediately. Some of the buildings had no hope in winds at that speed, and their parts were salvaged. At the time, this disaster seemed as bad as it could get. It got worse.

Soon after the teams were assigned, cases of frostbite were appearing. It was difficult for them to get to the medical building, with the strong winds and blowing snow. Leah Behr had to stop at my house, on her way to the medical building. She was afraid of getting lost in that whirlwind of cold. Chakotey and I did our best to help her frostbitten fingers and her sprained wrist. I have encountered Borg, spatial anomalies and Hirogen, and I always thought I had it hard. But I am beginning to have a deep respect for the early Earth settlers. This work is every bit as tiring and difficult as interstellar travel.

Things began to calm down when repairs were made, salvaging was done and the people realised it was best to just stay in their homes. Chakotey and I had a warm supper, and Leah decided to stay the night. It was the first and only time things were peaceful that day. What happened earlier today is nothing compared to what happened next.

Soon after I received news that Alea Sanderson was missing. Her mother, Rebecca Sanderson was widowed when Voyager was destroyed. I rather not think of that much. I’m doing my best not to cry again while I write this. I am going to finish writing this. Okay. Amery, her husband was a man that I barely knew. I don’t even recall ever talking with him outside of duty. I regret it. Rebecca was left with her son Gabe, who was 14 month at the time and pregnant with her second child, Alea.

Rebecca told me she had just gone to the other room to check on Gabe. When she returned. Alea was gone, and the door was opened. We think she wandered out. I remember the horrible gut feeling I had. Something had kicked me and left a giant hole in my stomach. I felt like I had failed Rebecca. It was irrational but true. Her child was lost, and most likely dead. All I could do was send out search parties.

Seven search parties were sent out and searched until it was dark. I aided the search, but there was too much snow and wind. Visibility was none. We didn’t find her. I felt sick watching Rebecca cry like that. Her daughter was gone. I can only imagine what she’s feeling. I stayed with her late, trying to give her some comfort. She had lost her husband and daughter under my command. What had I done to her?

I just got home. I feel cold and horrible. I cried for a long time into Chakotey’s shoulder. I kept it all inside when I was with Rebecca. I couldn’t show her I was afraid too. I’m terrified. Directly, I didn’t kill Alea, but I’m responsible. I’m responsible for Rebecca’s well being, and she is in pain. I was responsible for Alea and now she’s gone.

Before I left, Rebecca tried to explain what had happened to Gabe. Gabe doesn’t understand what’s going on but he’s smart. He realised it was something horrible. He screamed and cried for hours afterwards. Although I know this was out of my control, I wonder, how could I let this happen?

I’m crying again. I thought I had calmed down when I began this. My head is pounding and I feel sick. I don’t think I can ever look Rebecca in the eye again. Her husband and daughter are lost, under my command.

Sometimes I wonder if I am fit to be Captain of Voyager. I know my crew too well. They’re my friends and I feel their pain so deeply. The decisions I have made have influenced all these people’s lives so greatly. Everything I do affects them. I destroyed the Caretaker, our way home. I’m the one who decides who does what mission, what space we cross, and where we go. I don’t know if I’m able to make the right decisions anymore.

I’m so uncertain of everything, and yet I need to be a leader. My decisions ultimately lead to the death of the ones Rebecca loved. I hope I can forgive myself for inflicting her this pain. I hope her pain will fade away.

I’m tired know, and I can see the sun beginning to rise. I’ll try to get some sleep before the morning conference.

-Kathryn Janeway