Journal Page 14
July 25, 1979 - August 12, 2000
Journal page 14... 10 entries... July 25, 2003 thru February 6, 2004
July 25, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHUA!!!!!
I love and miss you so much. 24 earth years... ageless in ETERNITY!!!!! Thank you for being my son!
Have a really GREAT time today
Love, Kisses and Hugs galore....
Mommy
July 29, 2003...7:20pm
I bet I have driven by Josh's roadside cross a dozen times. Jodi put a Happy Birthday balloon and fresh flowers on it. I keep checking to make sure the balloon isn't interfering with drivers as they pass by. We really need to replace the cross and picture as it is getting weather worn. It will be a job because we have it cemented in *smile*. All his friends signed the cross after he died and I am afraid it is going to be hard to read all the signatures as time goes on.
The day of his birthday wasn't as bad as the days leading up to it. The anticipation of it all before the actual day I guess.
Our lives go on and we get older and I still will always see him as he was at 21 years old.. even when he turns 31 years old.
I will always miss him. That will never stop. I will always hurt and have this hole in my heart. It is something you never get over. The grief never stops but you do learn to live with it and function everyday. You have no choice. Not if you believe in Jesus and all He has promised. And I do.
I know things could have been worse. You say
HOW?? How in the world could it have been worse? You lost your child!
Well he could have suffered for a long time or it could have been cold and snowy instead of warm when he lay on that pavement bleeding and broken. There are a lot worse scenarios that I don't even want to think about.
God was there with Him that night. And He was with me.
God knows I miss him so very much and He knows I still cry for him. God understands my pain and sorrow. He understands my grief.
I love you God and I thank You for Your love and for Your Son that died for us. It is for this reason I have hope and know I will see Josh again someday soon.
I thank you In Jesus Name... Amen.
Toodles for now.
August 9, 2003...11:00pm
Well it is getting close to the day Josh left this earth. It hurts to think about it. And that is all I seem to be doing. Whoever said this road of grief gets easier as time goes by is nuts! It doesn't get easier.
I drove by his roadside cross real slow looking, not at his cross, but trying to get the feel of what happened to him that night. It hurt to think about it. He had to be hurt so badly from the crash. I just pray he didn't have time to feel anything.
I was looking at some of his pictures today and felt such a pain in my soul. Jodi and I were talking about how much we miss him and how it feels like someone kicked us in the stomach at times.
It is hard to deal with sometimes but I wouldn't call him back to this old world now for anything except my selfishness.
He is seeing what our eyes in our human state cannot even comprehend. And he is happy.
I read something disturbing on my grieving parents site... something a grieving mom wrote from compassionate friends. Saying that why was Mary the only one to be able to raise her son from the dead... She didn't! She was a grieving mom too. God raised Him from the dead and death was defeated because of Him. This is where our HOPE is from. We will live with Him eternally happy if we trust in Him!
Sound too simple? It is... simple enough for a child to understand.
I have peace in knowing my son is doing wonderful and is happy. I have peace knowing I will see him again in the not too distant future.
Pretend he is away? No... he is Home... I am away. In a strange land waiting to go Home. In God's time.
toodles
September 7, 2003... 8:00pm
Man of live.... been since August 9th that I have typed anything here!
Been full of self pity, depressed, lazy... you name it.
Josh's heaven date came and went. I was very sad and missing him so much.
I just wish a glimpse of him now and then.
Took my last interferron shot last Friday. And last of the pills (rebotrol) today. Hope it works. Hope to get to feeling better pretty soon with more energy. These 48 weeks of treatment went very fast. Life is just flying by.
I don't go anywhere anymore except work. Life is just whizzing by me. I have my grandsons here to keep me busy. They sure wear a body out though *smile* but that's okay. I love it.
A good friend died September 1st. Heart attack. We just never know when our number is going to be up. My other friend which is Lil' Josh's pappaw and the brother (and my very good friend) of the one that died is taking it very hard.
There is nothing that you can say at times like these. Just be there for him.
I post at times on a Grieving Parents site and posted something about kids not being able to read the bible in school... yet can read them in prison. Boy! Was I reprimanded for that one! Was told not to try to start religious argruements.
I wasn't. I just thought it had a message. And a good one.
They are taking the Ten Commandments out of buildings. And you can't really talk about the bible or God in school.
And prayer has been taken out of school. Even moments of silence. Because it offends some. Well sorry about that!!
If you are going to come to this country and prosper... not only should you learn OUR language but not try to take over what we for years have built this country on.
IN GOD WE TRUST
It's on our money! Do they not use that?
Won't be long it won't be there. Won't be long we will have a cashless society anyway.
It's getting closer to the government (and probably not this one) being in total charge of our lives.
Probably not in my lifetime but very, very soon.
What Preachers Should PreachWe are not to preach sociology, but salvation; not economics, but evangelism;
not reform, but redemption; not culture, but conversion; not progress but
pardon; not the new social order, but the new birth; not revolution, but revival; not democracy, but the Gospel; not civilization, but Christ. We are
ambassadors, not diplomats.
H. T. Kerr
And to this I say "AMEN"
toodles and goodnight.
October 5, 2003
Hi. Been a little while.
With work, babysitting while Jodi is in school and now she is working starting tomorrow, it has been busy.
It is flu shot season at work and they just walk-in for flu shots. And with answering the phone calls, triaging, and putting in patients, assisting the doctor... well when I get home... I am pretty tired. And then I have to love on my babies!! And the nights I babysit I have to fix them something to eat. Anyway.. NOT COMPLAINING AT ALL.. just explaining why I haven't posted lately.
I also belong to a grieving parents support group and when I get around to checking my e-mail from that it is hard to get around to writing in my journal.
So many grieving parents out there. So, so many. Sometimes it is depressing but mostly it is comfort to know I am not alone or crazy for things I think and feel in this grief process. It is a tough road!!
Jim has a new job starting tomorrow. He will be off the horrible 3rd shift. Praise God! He will also be making two dollars more on the hour and it is a city job. I have just about given up the idea he will find work in his field making the big bucks. I have also given up the idea I may be able to quit work. Doesn't look like it is gonna happen. At least not anytime soon. :-(
Oh well, that's life. Guess I should be glad I have a good job with all the unemployment out there right now. It is really getting scary.
Went to my step-dad's 70th birthday party today. It was nice and he was surprised. I can't believe they pulled it off as a surprise party. But they did it. My oldest son, fiance and their kids didn't show up and I found out they have to be paid for anyway. So I will be out 60 bucks for that. I would have probably had to buy theirs anyway because they are struggling right now too. But I resent the fact it has to be paid for anyway. And they didn't get to eat. But the way this restaurant does it is family style.. and they have to know how many to cook for. So... if not there it has to be paid anyway. If I had known that up front I wouldn't even have their names down because I had a feeling they wouldn't show up. They said they forgot but I reminded them Friday.
My nephew couldn't come either so his wife had to pay for him too.
It was $15.00 a person and really was worth it. Wish they could have come and eaten with us.
Well I hear the babies crying and I have to get to bed. Tomorrow is Monday and they are always bad at work. :-)
toodles for now
October 17, 2003
Whew! I am beat! Working 50 hours a week... watching my babies every night when I get home. Plus taking care of all my animals... and then my best friend from childhood had to have a quadruple bypass! I just about flipped out. So scared for her. She came through the surgery pretty good. No damage to her heart. Good lungs. She is going to be fine. Long recovery road most likely. But she is a trooper and will come through this with flying colors. She is the kindest, most sincere person I have ever known. And smartest. She has a very devoted husband that loves her so very much. thank you God for watching over her
I saw her sister, Suzy, while at the hospital. She lost her daughter by suicide (hanging) six years ago. We had some time alone and got to talk for a little while. She really needs support. She doesn't want to live but seems to be doing better, or at least dealing better. She doesn't get a lot of comfort I don't think from family and friends. But I guess she has put them thru a lot. Sleeps all the time and doesn't have any zest for life. I guess they feel after six years she should be over it... life goes on... but life is never the same for those of us that have lost a child. We lose part of ourselves. Yes.. life goes on and we have to go on for our other children and family.... but we are different and will never be the same again.
Crying is something you need to do. Whenever you feel the need to do it. I don't care if it is 20 years later. I wish she and I lived closer together. Grieving mom's need other grieving mom's to talk to. NO one else really understands.... our needs.
I went to Jim's work tonight and saw all the little animals that need homes and love. Broke my heart. Wish I could save them all. And all the little orphan hungry children out there too. The abused ones, the unwanted ones. Life really is sad isn't it?
I guess you could say it sucks most of the time.
But there is hope... not in this world but in the next. If you believe and trust in Jesus.
TOODLES
October 18, 2003
YOU TOO MUST WEEP.. to dry anothers tears
Let me not live a life that's free
From "the things" that draw
me close to Thee
For how can I ever hope to heal
The wounds of others I do not feel
If my eyes are dry and I never weep
How do I know when the hurt is deep
If my heart is cold and it never bleeds
How can I tell what my brother needs
For when my ears are deaf to the beggar's plea,
And we close our eyes and refuse to see
And we steel our hearts
and harden our mind,
And we count it a weakness
whenever we're kind,
We are no longer following
The Father's Way
Or seeking His guidance from
day to day
For, without "crosses to carry" and
"burdens to bear,"
We dance through a life that
is frothy and fair,
And "chasing the rainbow"
we have no desire
For "roads that are rough"
and "realms that are higher"
So spare me no heartache or sorrow, dear Lord,
For the heart that is hurt reaps the richest reward,
And God enters the heart that is broken with sorrow
As He opens the door to a brighter tomorrow
For only through tears can we recognize
The suffering that lies in another's eyes.
By: Helen Steiner Rice
goodnight/toodles again for now
November 29, 2003..10:15pm
Thanksgiving is over and the tree is now up. Jodi and Dawn (my niece) cooked and cleaned all night for Thanksgiving. Turned out great!
Jodi put the tree up yesterday.
Life moves on. Like it should. But it hurts a lot. To know life goes on like nothing devastating has happened to me. To us.
I think of the song I heard as a young girl. Why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry.... don't they know.... it's the end of the world. It ended when I lost my child. Not exactly what it says but, how I word it. He has left this earth. Why is it still turning on it's axis? The sun comes up, the sun goes down. I breathe in, I breathe out. As God intends. Josh is His. Only mine for awhile.
God gave me 21 years with him. Then took him Home. God has let me keep two of my other beautiful children. Thank You Father. They have given me grandchildren. Thank You Father. I am thankful. I still miss Josh though. And God says... that's okay and He knows.
I trust God, even though at times it seems I don't and am ungrateful for all I have. I am grateful. I trust Him the best way I know how to do right now. I am trying. Trying to be more reliant on Him. It is sometimes hard in this sinful world to remember..... He is there and He loves me and feels my grief too.
I need to get hold of some people soon.... I have just learned, Lana, Josh and Jodi's aunt, and my friend had a heart attack and bypass surgery. I haven't called her yet. I need to ASAP. Dad needs a visit too. I just can't seem to get myself in gear. It seems it is all I can do to get myself to work everyday. Sorry Lord, for being so wrapped up in my own recluse little world that I have fallen into. Please forgive me. I haven't even been responding to phone calls or e-mails. Grief also makes you selfish, in self pity. And a terrible recluse! I don't want to go anywhere. I have to go to work or I would never get out of my pajamas. I am sorry to all those that feel I don't care about you. I do care. Just can't function too well.
Toodles for now....
December Poem
Christmas Without You
by..Donna Mae, Rick's Mom
8/31/83-8/10/01...
used with permission
I wonder where you are right now
as Christmas eve draws near.
Do you see me with my broken heart,
tried to catch my silent tear?
I wonder where you are right now
as Christmas morn dawns new.
Did you hear me call your name just now
as I sat and thought of you?
I wonder where you are right now
as the presents are undone.
Did I hear you in the chilling wind
and feel you with the winter's sun?
I wonder where you are right now
as we gather for our meal.
Did I just feel a gentle breeze
or is that you I feel?
I know where you are right now
and I knew it from the start.
I needn't look to far for you
because your always in my heart
Right here, now at Christmas time
and every day through out the year.
All I need is to close my eyes
and know that you are near.
January 5, 2004..2:00am
The kids went to the doctor Tuesday 12/30/03. Joshua had been sick since Friday. Joey got sick Sat or Sun. He looked in their ears and put them on an antibiotics. Said fluids and tylenol and breathing treatments. He didn't even take temperatures on them.
Josh never perked up at all. Was very lethargic. So weak and he just couldn't quit coughing. Looked chalky to me when I came home form work with sunken eyes 12/31/03. I called the on-call doctor and he was very rude. Said if we had called earlier his doctor could have seen
him.
I was so angry. I said he did see him yesterday (which would have been Tuesday 12/30/03) and so he said IF he is as bad as YOU say, then take him to ER. I said that is all I wanted to hear...CLICK.
So we (Jodi, the boys and me) rang in our New Year with Josh on oxygen and breathing treatments every half hour. His oxygen level was only 90
when we got to the hospital. They didn't even make us wait. They took him straight back when they saw him. They also checked Joey out and he
isn't near as bad as Josh. They did a chest x-ray on Josh and no pnuemonia. But could have turned into pnuemonia if let go.
Josh has reactive airway disease (asthma, without saying asthma) and may outgrow it and may not. Ear infection, fever and acute lung infection (whatever they mean by that) with wheezing. Joey has ear infection, fever, history of reactive airway disease, no wheezing.
We got home at 2;00 am 1/1/04. Police were stopping people left and right on our way home. I heard sirens everywhere outside all night. We live across the street from a fire station. Jodi and I got the boys to bed. Jodi went tobed and I thought I'd
check in with my e-mail before I calapsed into bed. I had been running on a total of 8 hours
sleep for a week. Been getting approx 2 hours sleep a night and going to work on that. I was wiped out but so wired I didnt feel sleepy. I felt like calling the doc on call and the boys doctor and saying HAPPY NEW YEAR JERKS! *smile* Just to wake them up. I am just a Medical
Assistant (low paid nurse) but I knew Josh needed urgent care. What's up with that anyway!
I kept thinking about all the parents in my grieving support group that had kids die from pnuemonia and asthma and I started to freak out. I was almost a basket case by the time I reached ER. I was crying pretty hard and my daughter said to please calm down. (this was before we left the house) My husband didn't know what to do or say. He tried to hold me
and I pulled away in a panic. Took my glasses off to wipe my eyes and now couldn't find them for two days.
I am better now. But still pretty worried as Josh isn't bouncing back like I think he should. He is still pretty sick. Not 104 fevers now. But still weak and not well.
Can't wait until he is up and driving us nuts again with too much energy!
TOODLES FOR NOW
3:15am
Can't sleep. Guess I have been going on so little sleep that when I got more than 2 hours sleep last night my body is going "huh?". *smile*
I feel tired, I feel sleepy, but when I lay down, my eyes pop wide open. As Granny used to say "I have the big eye".
I am sitting here staring at our Christmas tree, not taken down yet with all that has been going on with the kids being sick. Poor little Josh hasn't even got to play with all his Christmas toys much yet.
Been looking for a book called "Travel Guide to Heaven". Heard it is pretty good. Will look again tomorrow if I get the chance.
Jim may be bringing a golden retriever home tomorrow that the shelter was going to put to sleep. For no good reason. He says she is very gentle and laid back. They have her as 2 years old but he says she is older. Maybe 5. He took Luke, our golden to meet her today and he said they got along real well. He is 2 and still a little hyper. She seems to be housebroken and has had some training. But no one has come to claim her. Golden retriever rescue said they were too full.
I don't understand this. Golden's are GREAT pets. Really good with kids too.
Well... maybe if I surf or read I will get droopy eyed.
toodles again.
February 4, 2004
E TO HEAVEN:
CLICK HERE
Just haven't felt up to posting check out my e-mail to heaven. Letters to Josh. I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!
TOODLES FOR NOW.
February 6, 2004..11:30pm
Stressed! That is all I can say. I am so tired. Not sleeping and when I do I dream a lot or have nightmares. Working all the time it seems and broke all the time.
Guess I shouldn't complain too much... still have a roof over my head. For now at least.
Me thinks hubby might be a little disallusioned (?spelling, to tired to care); I am not the sweet little romantic 15 year old like I was when we married the first time. Sorry but I told you that ahead of time. It'll be okay... if not I can't help it. I am what I am and that's all that I am. (sorry popeye, stold your saying)
I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm stressed... maybe a little crazy too (ya think?)
I hate the child molesters and murderers... I think they should be turned over to the families to have justice served. Talking here about Carlie, the little 11 year old girl in Florida that was abducted at a car wash and found dead. The murderous bastard!
Can you tell my mood yet? It sucks.
If hubby doesn't get a mattress cover for his precious expensive mattress so my babies can crawl in bed with me I am going to piss on it myself. (sweet chrisitan wife that I am) I guess maybe I better stop posting right now as I am not very nice to be around at the moment. I am not going to mask my feelings with phoney words... God knows how I am feeling. So why try to lie about it.
I won't.
toodles for now.
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Email: springp413@msn.com
