World’s Worst Fourth Year of Buffy Adventures by Ratbat
Buffy: Yay we are in college now!
Willow: Yay!
Oz: Yay!
Xander: (sniffle)
Buffy: Now I can enrol in drama and fulfill my lifelong dream of acting,
which has been my heart’s desire ever since I was a little girl…
Willow: Buffy you must do psychology.
Buffy: No, I want to be a pretty actor, and do fun things on a stage…
Willow: I SAID YOU MUST DO PSYCHOLOGY!
Oz: (whipping noise) Hey, now there’s a plan…
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Angel meets Cordelia and Doyle and they
decide to help people in trouble. The message: loneliness is bad.
Buffy (the Slayer one): Willow, now that we are at college together, you
must be my roommate.
Willow: But you have a roommate.
Buffy: No she was an evil vampire so I staked her!
Willow: But her body hasn’t dissolved…
Buffy: Evil vampire…
Willow: And I saw her in sunlight many many times…
Buffy: Evil.
Willow (the wicce one): …and you didn’t even sense any evil with your
slayersense, or at least not until she drank from your milk and wore
your blouse…
Buffy: I SAID SHE WAS AN EVIL VAMPIRE AND SHE HAD TO DIE!
Spike: Speaking of evil vampires!
All: …
Spike: Me. I mean me.
All: ‘k.
Spike: I’m the big bad! I drop Hs and say bugger! I’m—
Then some soldiers zap Spike and lock him in a box.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Club Angel fight a demon who picks people up
and steals their bodies. The message: strangers are bad.
Anya: Xander we don’t have sex enough anymore!
Xander: We had sex five minutes ago!
Anya: It’s been so long…!
Xander (American): Danke!
Anya: I mean long in time!
Xander: Danke danke!
Anya: I mean since we last did it.
Xander: Oh.
Anya: I mean, if I’m wearing you out, just admit that you’re not man
enough and we can do it less often.
Xander: now listen, I’ve just got to get my walking frame and go to the
store, but when I get back, get ready for the best two and half minutes
of your life!
In fact, everyone is having sex tonight. Oz and Willow are at it, which
makes everyone go blind. Buffy has found some bit of fluff called
Parker.
Euan (the one watching Buffy): Hey, that is the same name as my dog! Of
course it must be a coincidence, but that is very cool.
Euan watches a bit more.
Euan: Oh. Ew.
Even Giles is getting some. It looks like he’s just sitting at the table
reading a book, but it’s under the table we’re talking about.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel smashes a ring that would solve all his
problems. The message: Omnipotence is bad (and Angel isn’t very smart).
Buffy: Waahhh! Parker doesn’t want to talk to me after we’ve had sex!!
Anya: Really? It took him that long to get to that point?
Buffy: …
Xander: Now, Anya, remember what I taught you about being polite and
using too much honesty?
Anya: No.
Xander: It’s OK to abuse your friends, as long as you make cutesy
Superman references while you do.
Riley: Grrr. Parker hurt Buffy. Riley mad.
Riley hangs around Psych lady Professor Walsh all day. He goes to all
her classes and knows all of her timetable. They have these in American
colleges, they are called stalkers.
Riley: Hey! I am a TA!
Mystery woman: T&A! Woohoo!
Willow: And who are you?
Mystery woman: No she does not know me! Now for my plan…
The mystery woman becomes and agent and books a band led by lady
werewolf Verruca to play at the Bronze.
Oz (the werewolf one): Oooh. There’s something about that woman.
Willow: Oz!
Oz: I only mean something about her intrigues me, not that I think she’s
really a werewolf and I’d like to sleep with her or anything.
Willow: ‘k.
But before you know it…
Willow: Oz! Bad dog!
Oz: I couldn’t help it! The wolf in my nature took over!
Willow: But its not a full moon.
Oz: Oh, now you tell us.
Willow: Is this some kind of revenge for what I did with Xander last
season?
Oz: If I say yes will you not dump me?
Willow: No.
Oz; Never mind then. Oh well, you’re mad at me, better make an
enormously uprooting decision regarding my academic future on a romantic
whim.
Felicity: Beat ya to it.
Willow: Now I am sad.
Mystery woman (the one from the previous page): There there.
Willow: Who are you?
The Mystery woman takes her hat off.
No longer a mystery woman: I am Tara!
Xander: Speaking of hats, Giles, that’s a nice sombrero. Good Halloween
costume!
Giles: Is it Hallowe’en?
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel stops a guy who can mak bits of himself
fall off. The message: stalkers are bad.
Riley: Hey!
Forrest: No time to worry, Riley. There’s demons out there, and we’ve
gotta fight them!
Riley: You’re right! Through this panel in the wall!
They go in.
…
Graham (not the Evan Bowman one): Hey, guys, do you think maybe this is
the closet?
Forrest; No, we go through this door at the back of the closet.
Evil Witchy Hag: Welcome to Narnia.
Riley: Professor Walsh!
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Cordelia rents a haunted apartment. The
message: tying up your son and bricking him into the wall is bad.
Meanwhile, in Sunnydale, Spike has escaped!
Spike: I’m back and I’m blonde! Now to attack a Slayerette!
His head explodes.
Spike: Bugger.
Riley, that guy and that other guy have found the proper secret panel,
and in a surprise move, a secret lift takes them into a big army room
where they see Professor Walsh in a lab coat!
Riley: …and underwear! Man, I forgot about the Rocky Horror screening!
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel and Kate make pillocks of themselves
with their feelings. The message: honesty is bad.
Xander: Oh MAN! Now Starbucks has fired me! I’m taking this hard.
Willow (American): Oh, well, don’t feel too down. Maybe you’re just
having trouble finding your niche.
Xander: Yeah, but I didn’t even work for them…
Tara (the one staring at her navel): I wouldn’t mind finding your niche,
Willow…
Willow: Tara, no-one calls it a ‘niche’.
Anya: No, I call it—
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Doyle almost gets killed so his ex-wife can
remarry. The message: divorce is bad.
But Angel has to come back to Sunnydale! He has a secret mission!
Angel: There is…something I must do…
He broods for five hours about how much it sucks to be immortal and
incredibly powerful.
Angel: Sorry, force of habit. Now for my secret Sunnydale mission!
He sneeks into Buffy’s house, looks under her bed and finds his prize!
Angel: Knew I left this sock somewhere!
Joyce’s voice: Rupert? Is that you? I’m naked!
Angel: Whoa, gotta go.
But soon after he gets back to Los Angeles, Buffy visits him and Angel
turns human for a bit and they have loads of sex, but then he’s not
human and everyone forgets it all anyway. The message: be careful what
you wish for, it’s probably bad.
Willow: Tara, there’s something about the way you look at me. I can’t
put my finger on it…is there something you want to say to me?
Tara (deep breath): OK. Willow, I
Then everyone loses their voices.
All: …
Buffy: …?
Giles: …
Willow: …
Giles: …
Willow: …
Both: …
Giles writes a message: We’ll go to a college lecture hall.
All: ‘..
While in the secret lab underneath Sunnydale where the Initiative work,
Professor Walsh is using the computer to talk to the troops.
Walsh: You have mail.
Riley: …
Graham: …
Walsh: Incoming file transfer.
Riley: …?
Forrest nods.
Riley: …!
Walsh: System error.
They pick up guns and go into action.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Doyle sacrafices his life to save a bunch of
innocents. The message: Doyle is dead.
Back in the college lecture hall.
Giles is using a slide projector and the other Slayerettes watch from
the chairs. Tara yawns and stretches and tries to get her arm over
Willow.
They continue to view Giles’ collection of pornographic slides.
Willow writes a message: Maybe we should kill the demons and get our
voices back?
Giles sighs.
Buffy writes a message: So what should I do?
Anya makes a fist and jerks it back and forth.
Buffy nods, mouths ah, stake, and gives the thumbs-up.
Anya writes a message: Uh, yeah. Stake. That’s what it was.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Cordelia can now see the future but misses the
part that Wesley will turn up. The message: soothsaying is bad.
Buffy goes to the clock tower to fight off the demons who are stealing
voices and hearts (that’s literal, not the way Angel stole hers and then
it was fenced to Riley). She wins, but finds Riley there!
Buffy: Riley! What are you doing? Why are you wearing clothes like that?
Riley: Uh, I can explain.
Buffy: Then explain why you are wearing a rubber nurse outfit.
Riley: No, I’ve got army clothes on underneath, seriously…
Buffy: Then why are you wearing army clothes?
Riley: uh…Riley play paintball…
Buffy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a silly excuse!
Later that day…
Forrest (the bald one): Hey, Riley, I hear you made a total ass of
yourself on the way to paintball today.
Riley: Quiet, you.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel thinks he has been killing people in his
sleep. The message: killing is bad.
Willow: So, what is it you do, Tara?
Tara: I am a witch too.
Willow: Wow, we could do some spells together. Would you like that?
Tara: OH YEAH BABY!!!!
Willow: …
Tara: I mean that might be fun.
Willow: so, what should we start with?
Tara (thinks): I fancy Willow but I can’t play my hand too obviously.
I’ll have to hint! (talking now) I like this one.
Willow: Hmm. The boobie-fondling makeout spell…
Tara: Yes…um…’cos you think about Gaea while you do it.
Willow: …
Tara: …
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Cordelia gets very pregnant and then possessed
after a date. The message: sex is bad.
-------
Commercial:
We see David Boreanaz doing stuff.
Leather coat: $1000
Pay per episode: $50000
Collection of really obnoxious Hawaii shirts: $30 apiece
Having Sarah Michelle Gellar lick icecream off your chest: priceless.
Some things in life money can’t buy. And when you’re getting all this
other cool stuff, who needs Mastercard?
-------
Still in Los Angeles, Angel meets an androphobic from another dimension.
The message: Angel’s dancing is bad.
Then there is an earthquake.
Buffy: No! The end of the world!
Giles (the badly dubbed one): No.
All: Phew.
Giles: I mean yes.
All: D’oh!
Giles: We have to stop three demons from jumping into the hellmouth.
Demon 1: Not going in there.
Demon 2: Oooh, no, me neither.
Demon 3: Looks scary.
Spike tries to hit a passerby and his head explodes.
Spike: Bloody hell. Why did the Initiatve (the soldier ones) go and put
a bad chip in my head?
Spike tries to hit a demon passerby.
Spike: All right! My head didn’t explode!
He pushes the three demons into the Hellmouth and the world starts to
end.
Buffy: Useless asshole…
She puts on a scuba mask and jumps into the Hellmouth. She throws the
demons back out. And because Riley was holding onto her underwear
elastic, she also comes back out.
Buffy: Now Riley, we must talk. I have something to ask you.
Riley (thinks): Oh man. This is going to be about the Initative. I’m not
supposed to talk about it, but I really love her, so I will tell her
everything when she asks.
Buffy: Why is your nose like a potato?
Riley: ?
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel finds an evil kid posessed by a demon
who isn’t so bad, so he kills the demon anyway and lets the kid live.
The message: Children are bad.
Ethan (British): Ha-ha! Ripper, I have changed you into a demon!
Giles: Now that I am a demon I will KILL you if you do not turn me back!
Ethan: ‘k.
And he does.
Ethan: Now that I think about it, there wasn’t much to that plan.
Downstairs…
Wlash So, buffy, you want to join the initiative. But, you are too
inquisitive, and must be putout of the way!
Buffy: The HELL?
Walsh: Pretend I only thinked that last bit.
Buffy: ‘k.
Walsh: Now, I want you to go into this big supervampire nest. Take this
gun that has bits falling off and no power sorce. You are on your
period, but also carry this tool, which is a big open bucket labelled O
negative. Also, you’ll need these regulation huge concrete boots that
are chained together. Also, it is Initative policy to go blindfold.
Buffy: Wow, you must really trust me.
Walsh: Yes, I do. I trust you to DIE!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Buffy: …
Walsh: The pretend I think it thing again.
Buffy: ‘k.
Buffy goes away. Walsh knits her fingers in front of her face while the
light glints off her tinted glasses. Then she hums Cruel Angel’s Thesis
while she goes down to the secret lab where she’s building a monster
made up of bits of machines and demons and some blutac. She turns her
back on Adam (the cyborg demon one), then a great shaft penetrates her
from behind!
Walsh: Ack…just like my dream…erk… (dies)
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Kate’s father is a corrupt cop, but only until
he is killed. The message: corruption is dad.
Riley rushes back into the downstairs lab.
Riley: Forgot my cowboy outfit! Oh no! The Professor is dead!
Buffy: She’s bad! She tried to kill me! It might have worked if she
hadn’t sent me to the supervampire nest at three in the afternoon!
Riley: She’s got a huge puncture wound through her!
Buffy: Some demon with a pointy arm-thing must have dood it.
Riley: You think so?
Buffy: Yes. Now, excuse me, I have to go rinse my stake.
Forrest: Hmm, splinters in the room, puncture wound consistent with a
staking… Ah, well, guess it must be a Pergola demon.
Riley: You mean you don’t accuse Buffy?
Forrest: don’t be stupid, Riley, I’d only accuse your girlfriend if
there was *no* evidence.
Adam bursts in.
Adam: I’m evil! And I called Walsh mother! And blah blah blah blah. What
am I?
He puts a disk in the drive on his chest.
Adam: Ah! I’m a Frankengelion demon-type cyberthing. Grrr. Why am I
here?
He puts another disk in the drive in his chest.
Adam: Oooh! I’m here to kill everyone! Or to remake them in my image.
Eh, whichever.
He puts another disk in the drive on his chest.
Adam: Hey, now I can play freecell! Ahem. You just wait, good guys. ‘Cos
some day, I’ll be back, and I’ll kill you all! (I’m evil.)
Buffy: Why don’t you just try it now, while we’re all trapped here, and
weakened and helpless?
Adam: …
Buffy: …
Adam: Excuse me, I left something on the stove. (Runs away)
Buffy sighs and decides to leave the secret initative base. As she
emerges from the grandfather clock in the study, she runs into Willow.
Willow: Hi, Buffy. I was just on my way back from class…
Buffy: From what?
Willow: A class.
Buffy; Sorry, you’ll have to run that one past me again.
Willow: A class. We go to college, so we have classes.
Buffy: Oh, since when?
Willow: You do remember we’re both at college and we live together,
right?
Buffy: My boyfriend has a big gun.
Willow: Um, whatever. Anyway, I think Tara’s trying to hint something to
me, but I’ve got no idea what.
Buffy: Why’s that Will?
Willow: She fell asleep in class the other day…
Buffy: Hee hee…there you go again…
Willow: …and she started talking in her sleep, and she said, ‘Willow,
I’m so hot for you, I want your body.’ Now what could that mean?
Buffy: I dunno, Will…must be one of those wacky witch things you guys
get up to…
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel has to fight a bunch of demons in a
fighting tournament. The message: The movie Gladiator is in theatres
this summer.
While in St Joss’ hospital, Sunnydale…
Giles: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer…
We are shown three years worth of clips.
Faith is in a hospital bed and a coma. She comes out of the latter, then
gets out of the former.
Faith (the bad Slayer one): Hey, chick!
Chick: Yes?
Faith: I have been in a coma. What happened to the Mayor?
Chick: He is ded
Faith: Oh well, life goes on
Chick: And he left everything to charity in his will.
Faith: CURSE YOU BUFFY SUMMERS!!!
Chick: Now it is the year 2000.
Faith: What? 2000? Then no way is JFK still president!
Chick: …
Faith: Heck, I hope the Four Tops haven’t broken up!
Chick: Are you sure being in that coma didn’t affect your memory?
Faith: Quiet, you. Just gimme your clothes, then find me a chariot.
Xander; Oh no! Faith has escaped!
Faith: …
Xander: Wait, perhaps in the hospital isn’t the best place to say this.
Faith goes to beat the crap out of him (while having sex with him), but
he’s already in another scene.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel takes drugs and temporarily turns evil.
The message: Angel is bad.
Giles: We have to stop Faith.
Riley: But we have to stop Adam.
Xander: Well, I think that one will lead us to the other.
All: …
Xander: All right, I’m just trying to feel important.
He gets fired from another job.
Xander: Where’s my hooch?
Buffy: Faith will have gone to my mother’s house.
Anya: How do you figure that?
Buffy: Can you at least stop having sex with Xander *while* people are
talking to you?
Anya: Hey, we’re guests here.
Giles: Just answer the question, Buffy. I’ve got to do something English
soon.
Buffy: Well, because Faith is always saying she’s the opposite of me,
but she only means a contextual opposite, in that she does exactly what
I would not do only in a pattern of options that happen to be open and
likely to me, so while my mother is always complaining that I never
visit or anything, Faith will go to my mother’s house, because that is
what I am not doing, but it is what I should be doing, making it a
pattern of my behaviour, albeit an absent one, so it is the perfect
activity for Faith in her capacity as the evil Slayer whereas I am the
good one.
Pause.
Buffy: Where did everyone go?
Meanwhile, at Faith’s destination, Joyce’s house, Joyce has been tied up
on the bed.
Then Faith arrives.
Buffy: No! I’ll save you mom!
Joyce: Oh, Buffy. I thought she was you.
Buffy: Why? We didn’t get a chance to switch bodies or anything!
Joyce: You never write, you never call… How am I supposed to know what
you look like anymore??
Buffy: Geez, didn’t you even notice that ‘I’ was dressed like a big
slut?
Joyce: Hey, I’m hoping for grandchildren here.
Faith leaves town because nobody likes her.
Cordelia: Know the feeling.
Riley: Phew…can’t believe I slept with her.
Forrest: You mean there really was a brief period during which Faith and
Buffy swapped bodies?
Riley: Uh, sure.
In one of the five thousand crypts in Sunnydale…
Adam: Ahh…she intrigued me, this rogue slayer. Intrigued me, who knows
everything about everything.
Spike: Did she really?
Adam: No, but if I don’t say bizarre and pithy demon things every so
often, people tend to forget I exist.
Spike (British): Hm, sorry, Bob?
Adam: Look, I’m here to make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Spike: Thank you, I’d love to be a centrefold.
Adam (the ugly one): What about having the chip removed from your head?
Spike: AS long as you leave the one on my shouldeR! Ha ha ha.
Adam: …
Spike: What, they didn’t give you a sense of humour?
Adam: Yes, but it was Forrest’s.
-------
Commercial, music over:
Tara is trying to make Willow get the message that she wants her. But
Willow keeps missing the hints.
She thinks that if only she can get Willow in a playful mood, the
atmosphere will do the rest of the work for her.
So Tara offers Willow a Mentos.
When Willow eats it, she is all playful now and jumps Tara!
From under the bedclothes an arm snakes out and holds up a tube of mints
next to the whisky they were soaked in: Mentos, the Freshmaker!
-------
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Faith turns up and tries to kill Angel, but
then she is sorry. Because she is sorry, she is made to go to prison.
The message: repentance is bad.
Buffy: OK, we have to figure out how to stop Adam.
Willow: Well, some parts of him are demon, and they’re vulnerable to
holy water.
Anya: His human parts will be subsceptible to many forms of acid and
plagues.
Xander: And those machine parts could be taken out by another number of
mechanical means.
Buffy: You’re right, we’ve got nothing!!!
Angel (Irish) arrives.
Angel: Hi. Heard you were up against the greatest threat of your lives,
so I thought I’d beat up your boyfriend for a bit.
Riley: ‘k.
Buffy: Before you fight, Riley, you must know – Angel and I have had
sex.
Riley: You did it with a guy while you were going out with him? Yeah,
glad you sat me down and told me *that* one.
Angel: Fight now?
Riley: Let’s go.
While they beat each other up, the others keep talking.
Oz: This a private conversation, or can anyone who’s making more money
from movies than the rest of you put together join in?
Willow: Oz! Oh, I’m having that dream again.
Oz: Willow this is real.
Willow: I did notice you were wearing pants.
Oz: Come with me, Willow.
They go. Angel and Riley return, all bruised.
Riley: ‘k, we’re done.
Buffy: Oh. Did you sort things out?
Angel: Yeah. We decided that we both think you’re a whiny little
postpubescent pain in the ass.
Riley: Uh-huh.
Angel: But Riley will date you still because he feels sorry for you.
Buffy: Works for me, long as I get smoochies and bonkies.
Angel: Right, gotta go.
Angel returns to Los Angeles where he meets a bunch of street kids who
fight vampires, including one who has to kill his sister when she gets
vamped. The message: family is bad.
Oz and Willow are out walking.
Oz: Willow, I’ve done a lot of things and seen a lot of people. Now…look
at the sky.
Willow: A full moon! And you’re not a dog!
Oz: ‘s right.
Willow: What happened?
Oz: Some strange rituals and treatment…they gave me some hallucinogenic
herbs…oh, and they whacked my bare nuts with a cattle prod every time I
started to wolf out.
Willow: Oh. Well. Uh…I’ve heard that some of those ancient Eastern
traditions and rituals can sound a bit weird to us in the West.
Oz: Eastern where? I was in Soho. So…uh…is there a new guy in your life?
Willow suddenly thinks of Tara, and catches up to what Tara, Joss, and
the entirety of the international viewing audience have known for
months.
Willow: Uh, no. No guy. Uh-uh. No new XY chromosomes for Willow. No way,
nosir have I had any intimiate *male* contact at all since you? Yep,
suffice it to say, anything that pees standing up is nothing to do with
Willow Sappho Rosenberg!
Oz: …
Willow: Haven’t seen so much as a single—
Oz: ‘k, I get it.
Willow: Anyway, I’m tired from being up all night…I should go…
Oz: Yeah. I better get back to…um…where the hell do I live?
He wanders off.
Spike goes to Xander’s basement.
Anya: Do you mind? We’re having sex! Oh. Oh no, we’re finished now.
Spike: Should I smoke?
Xander: Why can’t I even be boss of my own basement?
Spike: ‘cos you’re demon-whipped, blighter-boy. All the other
Slayerettes say so behind your back. And they really hate you and think
you smell and can I have money for telling you this?
Xander: What? They really hate me?
But Spike is gone. Xander calls up Giles on the phone.
Xander: Giles, do you talk about me behind my back?
Giles (on the phone): No.
Spike (in the background on the phone): And Xander says you’re a
big—(click)
Xander: Man. Spike says the others talk behind my back, and I don’t
trust him at all. But my closest friends whom I’ve trusted with my life
for four years say they don’t, so whom should I believe…?
Anya: bored now. Need coitus.
But Willow did not really go home! She went to see Tara!
Tara: Uh…hi…Wwwillow…I heard your old dog boyfriend with the guitar was
back…and I’ll understand if you want to be with him….but I just
thought…I mean…I kinda feel…
Willow: Yeah, whatever. I wanna lick your slit.
We cut to Adam’s lair, which is really a seven-eleven.
Adam: Spike, have you put your plan into action?
Spike; Yeah, can I have the chip out now?
Adam: No, because I’m just using this as a carrot to dangle over you and
I have no real intention of letting you live, let alone removing the
chip from your head.
Spike: …
Adam: Crap. I get that from mother.
Spike: Just pretend you thought it, right?
Adam (the tedious one): That’s it. And wait for my secret pawn to
arrive…
They turn to the door to see…Jonathan!
Jonathan: How much for a slurpy?
Adam: Three bucks.
Jonathan: Danke!
Adam: That wasn’t him. No, my secret pawn approaches…
Paperdeliverer: Where do you want these big stacks of the Sunnydale
Press?
Adam: Oh, over by the rack. Thanks. Uh, it’ll be the next one. Honest. I
mean not honest. I’m evil.
Spike: Couldn’t you just have robbed a bank for your money?
Adam: This attracts less suspicion.
Spike: Less suspicion?? A demon cyborg working in a corner shop?
Adam: This is California.
Spike: ‘k, carry on.
Adam: Ah…HERE comes my secret pawn…welcome…Agent Riley Beefyhunk Finn!
Spike: Well, goddamn!!
Adam & Riley: …
Spike: Er, I mean bloody hell. Bugger bollocks.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel fights a blind assassin. The message:
Disabled people are bad.
Oz: What?
Willow: Sory, I started dating Tara this morning…
Tara: You mean it’s not still morning? Wooo… (smoking a cigarette)
Oz: No…!! You string her along, you see me again, you raise my hopes,
*then* you start going out with Tara? Could you have done it in any
*worse* possible order?
Willow: We could have been on the job when you came in.
Oz: At least that would have given me something to watch… oh
no…temperature rising…getting hairy…
Willow: Stress makes you the wolf!
Oz: No…calming down now… but I’d better go…
Willow: No….no, don’t go away mad…!
Oz: Do you want me to stay here mad?
Willow: Don’t forget to write.
Meanwhile, in the back Oz’s van…
Graham: You know something, Forrest? I don’t think this really is
another secret elevator to the HQ!
Forrest: Just give it time.
Graham: The Initiative doesn’t have so many guitars.
Forrest: No, that just must be Professor Walsh’s slammin’ axe.
Graham: Can I belong to a different secret demon-fighting team to you?
The back doors open, and it’s Oz.
Oz: The HELL?
Forrest: Hey, that guy’s a werewolf!
Oz: No, wait, I’m all calm now. I’m not wolfy at all. You can’t tell.
Graham: No, you’re still funny-looking. You’re coming with us, Lassie!
Forrest: Right! As soon as we can get the elevator to go down!
But in the secret underground HQ (the secret underground one).
Adam: This is an even more secret and even more underground part of the
secret underground HQ.
Riley: Oh no! Professor Walsh! What have you done to her?
Adam: I have turned mother into one of my kind. She is a ded,
half-decomposed zombie. The walking dead, incapable of human thought and
emotion – naturally this is reflected in her shocking appearance.
Riley: Yeah, I thought her hair looked different.
Spike: Can I have that chip out now?
Riley: Quiet, you. How come I’m obeying you, anyway? I’m not a
demon-lover. And besides, I’m Catholic and you’re C of E.
Adam: I precariously placed a chip near some nerves right near the skin
on your chest, exactly here. In fact, really, if you just thought about
it really hard and used a bit of glass, you could probably get it out
yourself and be free. Crap, there I go again.
Riley: What’s the plan?
Adam: Soon I will open all the cells and all the demons the Initiative
captured will be set free. Then they and all the soldiers will fight.
Spike: So, they’ll all kill each other?
Adam: Pretty much.
Spike: I like this plan. Can I have popcorn?
Riley: Wait, what will that achieve? What will you do next?
Adam: Actually I couldn’t find that disk. I searched Mother’s office,
but the only disk I could find gave me an overwhelming urge to run
around Incan ruins in a tight blue tanktop.
Spike: Yeah, I get that urge too.
They all look at Spike.
Spike: I mean nothing.
Riley: But all those people will die! You can’t tell me there’s no
reason!
Adam: Eh, I’ll think of something.
Spike: Well, think fast. Look at this screen.
Adam: What? No! It’s D, you fool! D! No, don’t go to a break, Regis!
Shit, why are people on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire so stupid???
Spike: The other screen.
Riley: It’s Buffy, Xander, Willow and…um…
Spike: Yeah, we haven’t seen much of him this year, have we?
Adam: Right. I’ll be in the control room reading dirty magazines.
They all look at Adam.
Adam: All right, I’ll direct the big fight. Geez, I have to do
everything. Riley, you’ll have to keep an eye on the Slayer and her
friends. And remember what I said about that chip in your chest. We’re
on the honor system here.
He goes. Two seconds later, Xander falls through a hole in the ceiling.
The following is the entire season of
'Buffy the vampire slayer' and 'Angel' condensed into one long laymans' terms
email Amusement ahoy!
Cleopetra.
Normally, World's Worsts tend to concern themselves with the
adventures
of the Evil Bunnies. However, last week on Australian TV saw
the
completion of the fourth season of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, a show
much
loved by many of us. I present for you all now, in this
extra-big
extra-chunky special edition, the WWAA view of twenty-three weeks
of
television in 2000.
(Oh, yeah. Spoilers for BUFFY Season Four.
Duh.)
World’s Worst Arse-Enders Adventures Special
World’s
Worst Fourth Year of Buffy Adventures by Ratbat
Buffy: Yay we are in
college now!
Willow: Yay!
Oz: Yay!
Xander:
(sniffle)
Buffy: Now I can enrol in drama and fulfill my lifelong dream
of acting,
which has been my heart’s desire ever since I was a little
girl…
Willow: Buffy you must do psychology.
Buffy: No, I want to
be a pretty actor, and do fun things on a stage…
Willow: I SAID YOU MUST
DO PSYCHOLOGY!
Oz: (whipping noise) Hey, now there’s a
plan…
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Angel meets Cordelia and Doyle and
they
decide to help people in trouble. The message: loneliness is
bad.
Buffy (the Slayer one): Willow, now that we are at college together,
you
must be my roommate.
Willow: But you have a
roommate.
Buffy: No she was an evil vampire so I staked
her!
Willow: But her body hasn’t dissolved…
Buffy: Evil
vampire…
Willow: And I saw her in sunlight many many times…
Buffy:
Evil.
Willow (the wicce one): …and you didn’t even sense any evil with
your
slayersense, or at least not until she drank from your milk and
wore
your blouse…
Buffy: I SAID SHE WAS AN EVIL VAMPIRE AND SHE HAD TO
DIE!
Spike: Speaking of evil vampires!
All: …
Spike: Me. I
mean me.
All: ‘k.
Spike: I’m the big bad! I drop Hs and say
bugger! I’m—
Then some soldiers zap Spike and lock him in a
box.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Club Angel fight a demon who picks people
up
and steals their bodies. The message: strangers are bad.
Anya:
Xander we don’t have sex enough anymore!
Xander: We had sex five minutes
ago!
Anya: It’s been so long…!
Xander (American):
Danke!
Anya: I mean long in time!
Xander: Danke
danke!
Anya: I mean since we last did it.
Xander: Oh.
Anya:
I mean, if I’m wearing you out, just admit that you’re not man
enough and we
can do it less often.
Xander: now listen, I’ve just got to get my walking
frame and go to the
store, but when I get back, get ready for the best two
and half minutes
of your life!
In fact, everyone is having sex
tonight. Oz and Willow are at it, which
makes everyone go blind. Buffy has
found some bit of fluff called
Parker.
Euan (the one watching Buffy):
Hey, that is the same name as my dog! Of
course it must be a coincidence, but
that is very cool.
Euan watches a bit more.
Euan: Oh.
Ew.
Even Giles is getting some. It looks like he’s just sitting at the
table
reading a book, but it’s under the table we’re talking
about.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel smashes a ring that would solve
all his
problems. The message: Omnipotence is bad (and Angel isn’t very
smart).
Buffy: Waahhh! Parker doesn’t want to talk to me after we’ve had
sex!!
Anya: Really? It took him that long to get to that
point?
Buffy: …
Xander: Now, Anya, remember what I taught you
about being polite and
using too much honesty?
Anya:
No.
Xander: It’s OK to abuse your friends, as long as you make
cutesy
Superman references while you do.
Riley: Grrr. Parker hurt
Buffy. Riley mad.
Riley hangs around Psych lady Professor Walsh all day.
He goes to all
her classes and knows all of her timetable. They have these in
American
colleges, they are called stalkers.
Riley: Hey! I am a
TA!
Mystery woman: T&A! Woohoo!
Willow: And who are
you?
Mystery woman: No she does not know me! Now for my plan…
The
mystery woman becomes and agent and books a band led by lady
werewolf Verruca
to play at the Bronze.
Oz (the werewolf one): Oooh. There’s something
about that woman.
Willow: Oz!
Oz: I only mean something about her
intrigues me, not that I think she’s
really a werewolf and I’d like to sleep
with her or anything.
Willow: ‘k.
But before you know
it…
Willow: Oz! Bad dog!
Oz: I couldn’t help it! The wolf in my
nature took over!
Willow: But its not a full moon.
Oz: Oh, now you
tell us.
Willow: Is this some kind of revenge for what I did with Xander
last
season?
Oz: If I say yes will you not dump me?
Willow:
No.
Oz; Never mind then. Oh well, you’re mad at me, better make
an
enormously uprooting decision regarding my academic future on a
romantic
whim.
Felicity: Beat ya to it.
Willow: Now I am
sad.
Mystery woman (the one from the previous page): There
there.
Willow: Who are you?
The Mystery woman takes her hat
off.
No longer a mystery woman: I am Tara!
Xander: Speaking
of hats, Giles, that’s a nice sombrero. Good Halloween
costume!
Giles:
Is it Hallowe’en?
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel stops a guy who can mak
bits of himself
fall off. The message: stalkers are bad.
Riley:
Hey!
Forrest: No time to worry, Riley. There’s demons out there, and
we’ve
gotta fight them!
Riley: You’re right! Through this panel in the
wall!
They go in.
…
Graham (not the Evan Bowman one): Hey,
guys, do you think maybe this is
the closet?
Forrest; No, we go
through this door at the back of the closet.
Evil Witchy Hag: Welcome to
Narnia.
Riley: Professor Walsh!
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles,
Cordelia rents a haunted apartment. The
message: tying up your son and
bricking him into the wall is bad.
Meanwhile, in Sunnydale, Spike has
escaped!
Spike: I’m back and I’m blonde! Now to attack a
Slayerette!
His head explodes.
Spike: Bugger.
Riley, that
guy and that other guy have found the proper secret panel,
and in a surprise
move, a secret lift takes them into a big army room
where they see Professor
Walsh in a lab coat!
Riley: …and underwear! Man, I forgot about the Rocky
Horror screening!
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel and Kate make pillocks
of themselves
with their feelings. The message: honesty is
bad.
Xander: Oh MAN! Now Starbucks has fired me! I’m taking this
hard.
Willow (American): Oh, well, don’t feel too down. Maybe you’re
just
having trouble finding your niche.
Xander: Yeah, but I didn’t
even work for them…
Tara (the one staring at her navel): I wouldn’t mind
finding your niche,
Willow…
Willow: Tara, no-one calls it a
‘niche’.
Anya: No, I call it—
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Doyle
almost gets killed so his ex-wife can
remarry. The message: divorce is
bad.
But Angel has to come back to Sunnydale! He has a secret
mission!
Angel: There is…something I must do…
He broods for five
hours about how much it sucks to be immortal and
incredibly
powerful.
Angel: Sorry, force of habit. Now for my secret Sunnydale
mission!
He sneeks into Buffy’s house, looks under her bed and finds his
prize!
Angel: Knew I left this sock somewhere!
Joyce’s voice:
Rupert? Is that you? I’m naked!
Angel: Whoa, gotta go.
But soon
after he gets back to Los Angeles, Buffy visits him and Angel
turns human for
a bit and they have loads of sex, but then he’s not
human and everyone
forgets it all anyway. The message: be careful what
you wish for, it’s
probably bad.
Willow: Tara, there’s something about the way you look at
me. I can’t
put my finger on it…is there something you want to say to
me?
Tara (deep breath): OK. Willow, I
Then everyone loses their
voices.
All: …
Buffy: …?
Giles: …
Willow:
…
Giles: …
Willow: …
Both: …
Giles writes a message:
We’ll go to a college lecture hall.
All: ‘..
While in the secret
lab underneath Sunnydale where the Initiative work,
Professor Walsh is using
the computer to talk to the troops.
Walsh: You have mail.
Riley:
…
Graham: …
Walsh: Incoming file transfer.
Riley:
…?
Forrest nods.
Riley: …!
Walsh: System error.
They
pick up guns and go into action.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Doyle
sacrafices his life to save a bunch of
innocents. The message: Doyle is
dead.
Back in the college lecture hall.
Giles is using a slide
projector and the other Slayerettes watch from
the chairs. Tara yawns and
stretches and tries to get her arm over
Willow.
They continue to view
Giles’ collection of pornographic slides.
Willow writes a message: Maybe
we should kill the demons and get our
voices back?
Giles
sighs.
Buffy writes a message: So what should I do?
Anya makes a
fist and jerks it back and forth.
Buffy nods, mouths ah, stake, and gives
the thumbs-up.
Anya writes a message: Uh, yeah. Stake. That’s what it
was.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Cordelia can now see the future but misses
the
part that Wesley will turn up. The message: soothsaying is
bad.
Buffy goes to the clock tower to fight off the demons who are
stealing
voices and hearts (that’s literal, not the way Angel stole hers and
then
it was fenced to Riley). She wins, but finds Riley there!
Buffy:
Riley! What are you doing? Why are you wearing clothes like that?
Riley:
Uh, I can explain.
Buffy: Then explain why you are wearing a rubber nurse
outfit.
Riley: No, I’ve got army clothes on underneath,
seriously…
Buffy: Then why are you wearing army clothes?
Riley:
uh…Riley play paintball…
Buffy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a silly
excuse!
Later that day…
Forrest (the bald one): Hey, Riley, I hear
you made a total ass of
yourself on the way to paintball today.
Riley:
Quiet, you.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel thinks he has been killing
people in his
sleep. The message: killing is bad.
Willow: So, what is
it you do, Tara?
Tara: I am a witch too.
Willow: Wow, we could do
some spells together. Would you like that?
Tara: OH YEAH
BABY!!!!
Willow: …
Tara: I mean that might be fun.
Willow:
so, what should we start with?
Tara (thinks): I fancy Willow but I can’t
play my hand too obviously.
I’ll have to hint! (talking now) I like this
one.
Willow: Hmm. The boobie-fondling makeout spell…
Tara:
Yes…um…’cos you think about Gaea while you do it.
Willow: …
Tara:
…
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Cordelia gets very pregnant and then
possessed
after a date. The message: sex is
bad.
-------
Commercial:
We see David Boreanaz doing
stuff.
Leather coat: $1000
Pay per episode:
$50000
Collection of really obnoxious Hawaii shirts: $30
apiece
Having Sarah Michelle Gellar lick icecream off your chest:
priceless.
Some things in life money can’t buy. And when you’re getting
all this
other cool stuff, who needs Mastercard?
-------
Still
in Los Angeles, Angel meets an androphobic from another dimension.
The
message: Angel’s dancing is bad.
Then there is an
earthquake.
Buffy: No! The end of the world!
Giles (the badly
dubbed one): No.
All: Phew.
Giles: I mean yes.
All:
D’oh!
Giles: We have to stop three demons from jumping into the
hellmouth.
Demon 1: Not going in there.
Demon 2: Oooh, no, me
neither.
Demon 3: Looks scary.
Spike tries to hit a passerby and
his head explodes.
Spike: Bloody hell. Why did the Initiatve (the soldier
ones) go and put
a bad chip in my head?
Spike tries to hit a demon
passerby.
Spike: All right! My head didn’t explode!
He pushes the
three demons into the Hellmouth and the world starts to
end.
Buffy:
Useless asshole…
She puts on a scuba mask and jumps into the Hellmouth.
She throws the
demons back out. And because Riley was holding onto her
underwear
elastic, she also comes back out.
Buffy: Now Riley, we must
talk. I have something to ask you.
Riley (thinks): Oh man. This is going
to be about the Initative. I’m not
supposed to talk about it, but I really
love her, so I will tell her
everything when she asks.
Buffy: Why is
your nose like a potato?
Riley: ?
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel
finds an evil kid posessed by a demon
who isn’t so bad, so he kills the demon
anyway and lets the kid live.
The message: Children are bad.
Ethan
(British): Ha-ha! Ripper, I have changed you into a demon!
Giles: Now
that I am a demon I will KILL you if you do not turn me back!
Ethan:
‘k.
And he does.
Ethan: Now that I think about it, there wasn’t
much to that plan.
Downstairs…
Wlash So, buffy, you want to join
the initiative. But, you are too
inquisitive, and must be putout of the
way!
Buffy: The HELL?
Walsh: Pretend I only thinked that last
bit.
Buffy: ‘k.
Walsh: Now, I want you to go into this big
supervampire nest. Take this
gun that has bits falling off and no power
sorce. You are on your
period, but also carry this tool, which is a big open
bucket labelled O
negative. Also, you’ll need these regulation huge concrete
boots that
are chained together. Also, it is Initative policy to go
blindfold.
Buffy: Wow, you must really trust me.
Walsh: Yes, I do.
I trust you to DIE!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Buffy: …
Walsh:
The pretend I think it thing again.
Buffy: ‘k.
Buffy goes away.
Walsh knits her fingers in front of her face while the
light glints off her
tinted glasses. Then she hums Cruel Angel’s Thesis
while she goes down to the
secret lab where she’s building a monster
made up of bits of machines and
demons and some blutac. She turns her
back on Adam (the cyborg demon one),
then a great shaft penetrates her
from behind!
Walsh: Ack…just like my
dream…erk… (dies)
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Kate’s father is a corrupt
cop, but only until
he is killed. The message: corruption is
dad.
Riley rushes back into the downstairs lab.
Riley: Forgot my
cowboy outfit! Oh no! The Professor is dead!
Buffy: She’s bad! She tried
to kill me! It might have worked if she
hadn’t sent me to the supervampire
nest at three in the afternoon!
Riley: She’s got a huge puncture wound
through her!
Buffy: Some demon with a pointy arm-thing must have dood
it.
Riley: You think so?
Buffy: Yes. Now, excuse me, I have to go
rinse my stake.
Forrest: Hmm, splinters in the room, puncture wound
consistent with a
staking… Ah, well, guess it must be a Pergola
demon.
Riley: You mean you don’t accuse Buffy?
Forrest: don’t be
stupid, Riley, I’d only accuse your girlfriend if
there was *no*
evidence.
Adam bursts in.
Adam: I’m evil! And I called Walsh
mother! And blah blah blah blah. What
am I?
He puts a disk in the
drive on his chest.
Adam: Ah! I’m a Frankengelion demon-type cyberthing.
Grrr. Why am I
here?
He puts another disk in the drive in his
chest.
Adam: Oooh! I’m here to kill everyone! Or to remake them in my
image.
Eh, whichever.
He puts another disk in the drive on his
chest.
Adam: Hey, now I can play freecell! Ahem. You just wait, good
guys. ‘Cos
some day, I’ll be back, and I’ll kill you all! (I’m
evil.)
Buffy: Why don’t you just try it now, while we’re all trapped
here, and
weakened and helpless?
Adam: …
Buffy: …
Adam:
Excuse me, I left something on the stove. (Runs away)
Buffy sighs and
decides to leave the secret initative base. As she
emerges from the
grandfather clock in the study, she runs into Willow.
Willow: Hi, Buffy.
I was just on my way back from class…
Buffy: From what?
Willow: A
class.
Buffy; Sorry, you’ll have to run that one past me
again.
Willow: A class. We go to college, so we have
classes.
Buffy: Oh, since when?
Willow: You do remember we’re both
at college and we live together,
right?
Buffy: My boyfriend has a big
gun.
Willow: Um, whatever. Anyway, I think Tara’s trying to hint
something to
me, but I’ve got no idea what.
Buffy: Why’s that
Will?
Willow: She fell asleep in class the other day…
Buffy: Hee
hee…there you go again…
Willow: …and she started talking in her sleep,
and she said, ‘Willow,
I’m so hot for you, I want your body.’ Now what could
that mean?
Buffy: I dunno, Will…must be one of those wacky witch things
you guys
get up to…
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel has to fight a
bunch of demons in a
fighting tournament. The message: The movie Gladiator is
in theatres
this summer.
While in St Joss’ hospital,
Sunnydale…
Giles: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer…
We are
shown three years worth of clips.
Faith is in a hospital bed and a coma.
She comes out of the latter, then
gets out of the former.
Faith (the
bad Slayer one): Hey, chick!
Chick: Yes?
Faith: I have been in a
coma. What happened to the Mayor?
Chick: He is ded
Faith: Oh well,
life goes on
Chick: And he left everything to charity in his
will.
Faith: CURSE YOU BUFFY SUMMERS!!!
Chick: Now it is the year
2000.
Faith: What? 2000? Then no way is JFK still
president!
Chick: …
Faith: Heck, I hope the Four Tops haven’t
broken up!
Chick: Are you sure being in that coma didn’t affect your
memory?
Faith: Quiet, you. Just gimme your clothes, then find me a
chariot.
Xander; Oh no! Faith has escaped!
Faith: …
Xander:
Wait, perhaps in the hospital isn’t the best place to say this.
Faith
goes to beat the crap out of him (while having sex with him), but
he’s
already in another scene.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel takes drugs and
temporarily turns evil.
The message: Angel is bad.
Giles: We have to
stop Faith.
Riley: But we have to stop Adam.
Xander: Well, I think
that one will lead us to the other.
All: …
Xander: All right, I’m
just trying to feel important.
He gets fired from another
job.
Xander: Where’s my hooch?
Buffy: Faith will have gone to my
mother’s house.
Anya: How do you figure that?
Buffy: Can you at
least stop having sex with Xander *while* people are
talking to
you?
Anya: Hey, we’re guests here.
Giles: Just answer the
question, Buffy. I’ve got to do something English
soon.
Buffy: Well,
because Faith is always saying she’s the opposite of me,
but she only means a
contextual opposite, in that she does exactly what
I would not do only in a
pattern of options that happen to be open and
likely to me, so while my
mother is always complaining that I never
visit or anything, Faith will go to
my mother’s house, because that is
what I am not doing, but it is what I
should be doing, making it a
pattern of my behaviour, albeit an absent one,
so it is the perfect
activity for Faith in her capacity as the evil Slayer
whereas I am the
good one.
Pause.
Buffy: Where did everyone
go?
Meanwhile, at Faith’s destination, Joyce’s house, Joyce has been tied
up
on the bed.
Then Faith arrives.
Buffy: No! I’ll save you
mom!
Joyce: Oh, Buffy. I thought she was you.
Buffy: Why? We
didn’t get a chance to switch bodies or anything!
Joyce: You never write,
you never call… How am I supposed to know what
you look like
anymore??
Buffy: Geez, didn’t you even notice that ‘I’ was dressed like a
big
slut?
Joyce: Hey, I’m hoping for grandchildren here.
Faith
leaves town because nobody likes her.
Cordelia: Know the
feeling.
Riley: Phew…can’t believe I slept with her.
Forrest: You
mean there really was a brief period during which Faith and
Buffy swapped
bodies?
Riley: Uh, sure.
In one of the five thousand crypts in
Sunnydale…
Adam: Ahh…she intrigued me, this rogue slayer. Intrigued me,
who knows
everything about everything.
Spike: Did she
really?
Adam: No, but if I don’t say bizarre and pithy demon things every
so
often, people tend to forget I exist.
Spike (British): Hm, sorry,
Bob?
Adam: Look, I’m here to make you an offer you can’t
refuse.
Spike: Thank you, I’d love to be a centrefold.
Adam (the
ugly one): What about having the chip removed from your head?
Spike: AS
long as you leave the one on my shouldeR! Ha ha ha.
Adam: …
Spike:
What, they didn’t give you a sense of humour?
Adam: Yes, but it was
Forrest’s.
-------
Commercial, music over:
Tara is trying
to make Willow get the message that she wants her. But
Willow keeps missing
the hints.
She thinks that if only she can get Willow in a playful mood,
the
atmosphere will do the rest of the work for her.
So Tara offers
Willow a Mentos.
When Willow eats it, she is all playful now and jumps
Tara!
From under the bedclothes an arm snakes out and holds up a tube of
mints
next to the whisky they were soaked in: Mentos, the
Freshmaker!
-------
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Faith turns up and
tries to kill Angel, but
then she is sorry. Because she is sorry, she is made
to go to prison.
The message: repentance is bad.
Buffy: OK, we have to
figure out how to stop Adam.
Willow: Well, some parts of him are demon,
and they’re vulnerable to
holy water.
Anya: His human parts will be
subsceptible to many forms of acid and
plagues.
Xander: And those
machine parts could be taken out by another number of
mechanical
means.
Buffy: You’re right, we’ve got nothing!!!
Angel (Irish)
arrives.
Angel: Hi. Heard you were up against the greatest threat of your
lives,
so I thought I’d beat up your boyfriend for a bit.
Riley:
‘k.
Buffy: Before you fight, Riley, you must know – Angel and I have
had
sex.
Riley: You did it with a guy while you were going out with
him? Yeah,
glad you sat me down and told me *that* one.
Angel: Fight
now?
Riley: Let’s go.
While they beat each other up, the others
keep talking.
Oz: This a private conversation, or can anyone who’s making
more money
from movies than the rest of you put together join
in?
Willow: Oz! Oh, I’m having that dream again.
Oz: Willow this
is real.
Willow: I did notice you were wearing pants.
Oz: Come
with me, Willow.
They go. Angel and Riley return, all
bruised.
Riley: ‘k, we’re done.
Buffy: Oh. Did you sort things
out?
Angel: Yeah. We decided that we both think you’re a whiny
little
postpubescent pain in the ass.
Riley: Uh-huh.
Angel: But
Riley will date you still because he feels sorry for you.
Buffy: Works
for me, long as I get smoochies and bonkies.
Angel: Right, gotta
go.
Angel returns to Los Angeles where he meets a bunch of street kids
who
fight vampires, including one who has to kill his sister when she
gets
vamped. The message: family is bad.
Oz and Willow are out
walking.
Oz: Willow, I’ve done a lot of things and seen a lot of people.
Now…look
at the sky.
Willow: A full moon! And you’re not a
dog!
Oz: ‘s right.
Willow: What happened?
Oz: Some strange
rituals and treatment…they gave me some hallucinogenic
herbs…oh, and they
whacked my bare nuts with a cattle prod every time I
started to wolf
out.
Willow: Oh. Well. Uh…I’ve heard that some of those ancient
Eastern
traditions and rituals can sound a bit weird to us in the
West.
Oz: Eastern where? I was in Soho. So…uh…is there a new guy in your
life?
Willow suddenly thinks of Tara, and catches up to what Tara, Joss,
and
the entirety of the international viewing audience have known
for
months.
Willow: Uh, no. No guy. Uh-uh. No new XY chromosomes for
Willow. No way,
nosir have I had any intimiate *male* contact at all since
you? Yep,
suffice it to say, anything that pees standing up is nothing to do
with
Willow Sappho Rosenberg!
Oz: …
Willow: Haven’t seen so
much as a single—
Oz: ‘k, I get it.
Willow: Anyway, I’m tired from
being up all night…I should go…
Oz: Yeah. I better get back to…um…where
the hell do I live?
He wanders off.
Spike goes to Xander’s
basement.
Anya: Do you mind? We’re having sex! Oh. Oh no, we’re finished
now.
Spike: Should I smoke?
Xander: Why can’t I even be boss of my
own basement?
Spike: ‘cos you’re demon-whipped, blighter-boy. All the
other
Slayerettes say so behind your back. And they really hate you and
think
you smell and can I have money for telling you this?
Xander:
What? They really hate me?
But Spike is gone. Xander calls up Giles on
the phone.
Xander: Giles, do you talk about me behind my
back?
Giles (on the phone): No.
Spike (in the background on the
phone): And Xander says you’re a
big—(click)
Xander: Man. Spike says
the others talk behind my back, and I don’t
trust him at all. But my closest
friends whom I’ve trusted with my life
for four years say they don’t, so whom
should I believe…?
Anya: bored now. Need coitus.
But Willow did
not really go home! She went to see Tara!
Tara: Uh…hi…Wwwillow…I heard
your old dog boyfriend with the guitar was
back…and I’ll understand if you
want to be with him….but I just
thought…I mean…I kinda feel…
Willow:
Yeah, whatever. I wanna lick your slit.
We cut to Adam’s lair, which is
really a seven-eleven.
Adam: Spike, have you put your plan into
action?
Spike; Yeah, can I have the chip out now?
Adam: No,
because I’m just using this as a carrot to dangle over you and
I have no real
intention of letting you live, let alone removing the
chip from your
head.
Spike: …
Adam: Crap. I get that from mother.
Spike:
Just pretend you thought it, right?
Adam (the tedious one): That’s it.
And wait for my secret pawn to
arrive…
They turn to the door to
see…Jonathan!
Jonathan: How much for a slurpy?
Adam: Three
bucks.
Jonathan: Danke!
Adam: That wasn’t him. No, my secret pawn
approaches…
Paperdeliverer: Where do you want these big stacks of the
Sunnydale
Press?
Adam: Oh, over by the rack. Thanks. Uh, it’ll be the
next one. Honest. I
mean not honest. I’m evil.
Spike: Couldn’t you
just have robbed a bank for your money?
Adam: This attracts less
suspicion.
Spike: Less suspicion?? A demon cyborg working in a corner
shop?
Adam: This is California.
Spike: ‘k, carry on.
Adam:
Ah…HERE comes my secret pawn…welcome…Agent Riley Beefyhunk Finn!
Spike:
Well, goddamn!!
Adam & Riley: …
Spike: Er, I mean bloody hell.
Bugger bollocks.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Angel fights a blind assassin.
The message:
Disabled people are bad.
Oz: What?
Willow: Sory, I
started dating Tara this morning…
Tara: You mean it’s not still morning?
Wooo… (smoking a cigarette)
Oz: No…!! You string her along, you see me
again, you raise my hopes,
*then* you start going out with Tara? Could you
have done it in any
*worse* possible order?
Willow: We could have been
on the job when you came in.
Oz: At least that would have given me
something to watch… oh
no…temperature rising…getting hairy…
Willow:
Stress makes you the wolf!
Oz: No…calming down now… but I’d better
go…
Willow: No….no, don’t go away mad…!
Oz: Do you want me to stay
here mad?
Willow: Don’t forget to write.
Meanwhile, in the back
Oz’s van…
Graham: You know something, Forrest? I don’t think this really
is
another secret elevator to the HQ!
Forrest: Just give it
time.
Graham: The Initiative doesn’t have so many
guitars.
Forrest: No, that just must be Professor Walsh’s slammin’
axe.
Graham: Can I belong to a different secret demon-fighting team to
you?
The back doors open, and it’s Oz.
Oz: The
HELL?
Forrest: Hey, that guy’s a werewolf!
Oz: No, wait, I’m all
calm now. I’m not wolfy at all. You can’t tell.
Graham: No, you’re still
funny-looking. You’re coming with us, Lassie!
Forrest: Right! As soon as
we can get the elevator to go down!
But in the secret underground HQ (the
secret underground one).
Adam: This is an even more secret and even more
underground part of the
secret underground HQ.
Riley: Oh no! Professor
Walsh! What have you done to her?
Adam: I have turned mother into one of
my kind. She is a ded,
half-decomposed zombie. The walking dead, incapable of
human thought and
emotion – naturally this is reflected in her shocking
appearance.
Riley: Yeah, I thought her hair looked
different.
Spike: Can I have that chip out now?
Riley: Quiet, you.
How come I’m obeying you, anyway? I’m not a
demon-lover. And besides, I’m
Catholic and you’re C of E.
Adam: I precariously placed a chip near some
nerves right near the skin
on your chest, exactly here. In fact, really, if
you just thought about
it really hard and used a bit of glass, you could
probably get it out
yourself and be free. Crap, there I go
again.
Riley: What’s the plan?
Adam: Soon I will open all the
cells and all the demons the Initiative
captured will be set free. Then they
and all the soldiers will fight.
Spike: So, they’ll all kill each
other?
Adam: Pretty much.
Spike: I like this plan. Can I have
popcorn?
Riley: Wait, what will that achieve? What will you do
next?
Adam: Actually I couldn’t find that disk. I searched Mother’s
office,
but the only disk I could find gave me an overwhelming urge to
run
around Incan ruins in a tight blue tanktop.
Spike: Yeah, I get
that urge too.
They all look at Spike.
Spike: I mean
nothing.
Riley: But all those people will die! You can’t tell me there’s
no
reason!
Adam: Eh, I’ll think of something.
Spike: Well,
think fast. Look at this screen.
Adam: What? No! It’s D, you fool! D! No,
don’t go to a break, Regis!
Shit, why are people on Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire so stupid???
Spike: The other screen.
Riley: It’s
Buffy, Xander, Willow and…um…
Spike: Yeah, we haven’t seen much of him
this year, have we?
Adam: Right. I’ll be in the control room reading
dirty magazines.
They all look at Adam.
Adam: All right, I’ll
direct the big fight. Geez, I have to do
everything. Riley, you’ll have to
keep an eye on the Slayer and her
friends. And remember what I said about
that chip in your chest. We’re
on the honor system here.
He goes. Two
seconds later, Xander falls through a hole in the ceiling.
Xander: Hey,
guys! Look where the men’s room floor falls through to!
Spike: Please zip
up.
Giles, Buffy and Willow fall down after him.
Willow: Do they
always smell so bad?
Buffy: ‘fraid so. Er, so I’m told.
Riley:
No…I must alert Adam…but they’re my friends…and he said I mustn’t
take the
chip out…I can’t help it…Ad—
Riley sneezes, and the chip falls out on its
own.
Riley: ‘k, I’m done.
Buffy: Riley!
Riley:
Buffy!
Giles: Spike!
Willow: He’s bad!
Giles: Sorry, I do
forget. Tally-ho.
Spike: Hey. Where are your pathetic whinging
girlfriends?
Xander: Um…
Willow: uh…
Back at Giles’
bathroom…
Tara: Oooh! I know! We could do each other’s hair!
Anya:
Is that another word for sex? Xander has many words for sex. Both
on his own
and with me.
Tara: No, I just mean we should brush each other’s hair.
Like female
bonding.
Anya: OK. But you first, because you’re an
emergency case.
And in the extra-super-secret extra-super-underground
HQ…
Buffy: Right. We know what we gotta do to stop Adam. Where is
he?
Spike: In there.
Riley: What? Why are you
helping?
Spike: Who can say?
Willow: You’re just afraid of being
staked.
Spike: I’m even more afraid of not making it into the title
sequence
next season.
He goes to Forrest’s quarters where Oz’s van is
parked and drives off.
Buffy: ‘k. I’m gonna go kick some triborg
ass.
She goes into the control room.
Riley: What’s the
plan.
Xander: We found a spell. We can all channel our skills and powers
into
Buffy!
Riley: Cool!
Willow: ‘k. Giles, give me the book
(the magic one).
Giles: I thought you had the book.
Xander: Like
I’ve even seen a book.
Giles: Oh bugger.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles
Angel is told that he will die but he doesn’t
really. The message: Wesley’s
translation is bad.
Adam and Buffy are facing off. That’s as in about to
fight, it’s nothing
to do with a John Woo film. This is good, because it
means Nicholas Cage
is not here.
Adam: Ha! Look what I’ve done to my
arm! I’ve upgraded!
His hand falls off.
Adam: %^&$@
non-manufacturer parts!
Buffy: That’s all your gonna be by the time I’ve
finished with you.
Adam: No, that’s all *you’re* gonna be by the time
you’re finished with
me!
Buffy: …
Adam: …
Buffy: um,
wanna try that one again?
Adam: No.
Buffy: Damn! I had a good one.
It referenced boobies *and* Superman.
Adam: You’ve got a strange
expression on your face. Like someone who
expected there to be a spell that
would combine her power with that of
three of her friends yet soemwho it
hasn’t happened.
Buffy: You can tell all that from my
expression?
Adam: Actually, no. You left the door open and I heard the
others.
Then ther OTHER door opens.
Buffy: OZ! No, this one must
be Willow’s dream.
Oz: No…I really am here as well as naked (the no
clothes one). The
initiative cpatured me, and that put me a bit on edge, so I
stressed
into a wolf.
Buffy: But you seem calm now. Even though this
big ugly syber demonwith
his dumb dialogue is here.
Oz: Actually I
hadn’t seen him. Oh no! WOOF!
Oz turns into a wolf…but to his wolf-vision
eyes, all he can see when he
looks at the cyborg is a big
firehydrant!
Adam: Uh-oh.
Zzzzt! Pop! Fizz! Pff!
Buffy:
Eww…
Oz runs off again.
Xander: We’re bursting in!
Thanks,
I needed a break.
Giles: Buffy! You did it! You killed
him!
Willow: (sniff) You must’ve been really scared tho.
Riley: Im
so glad your alright.
Buffy: Am I? Am I really? Adam didn’t have a choice
about what he was.
Professor Walsh programmed him that way. And really, do
any of us have a
choice about what we do? Or are we just slaves to our own
professor
walshs? Maybe we’re all just as bad as Adam…or better, which could
be
like worse. I didn’t ask to be what I am, but no-one aked to be
what
they are, but then, a few people probably asked to be what I am, and
I
guess from time to time I might have asked to be what I am if I was—
Um,
guys?
Buffy: Hey! Guys…hey, come back here!
Guys…!!
EPILOGUE
In a bunch of dreams….
Bald guy: Cheese!
Woo! I like cheese!
Then he is beat up on by Tara in a gypsy top and a
primal chick wearing
only paint and a
beard.
END
Grrr…arrg.
|
|
|
