Boyo Redneckus

What It's Called : Patrick, Paddy, Pat, Patsy, Padraig, Paudie or Ultan.

Where It's Found Working in Civil Service departments, studying engineering or pharmacy at UCD or carrying a shovel on building sites. Found in quantity in the Ierne ballroom and Barry's Hotel ("we've got all the stars; there's Declan Nerney, Louise Morrisey AND Big Tom too!"), swaying from side to side and wondering if it's going to vomit Guinness all over the dancefloor. Oddly enough, Boyo Redneckus almost never is found alone, but congregates into a pack ('the lads') with other members of his species to engage in behaviour termed 'craic'.

What It Wears: All its clothes are brown: corduroy pants, sweaters, shoes, duffle coat, jacket. Has a brown suit it wears into work. Also wears polyester shirts from Dunnes with grimy collars and strong smell of BO on underarms. Boyo Redneckus knows that it's time to change its underwear when they stick to the ceiling when it throws them up against it.

What It Says: "Ah, ya boyo"; "we had the craic"; "did ya meet the lads"; "what's a Kerryman like you doing in Dublin"; and "Jaysus, I've a sore head on me" are common utterances.

Where It Lives: Sometimes in digs, but only until it meets up with the lads and rents a flat (pad) in Rathmines, Ranelagh, Phibsborough, Drumcondra or on the North Circular Road. Here, it empties its rucksack of (brown) clothes onto the bedroom floor, pisses on the bathroom floor, burns holes in the living room carpet with Major cigarettes, pulls the sink off the wall (for the crack) and entertains his girlfriends at weekends.

What It Drinks: Guinness, Guinness, Guinness. Is often seen carrying six packs and naggins of whiskey out of the pub at closing time. This is because there is usually some crack back at Padraig's flat.

Where It Drinks: Has its favourite pub in which it meets the lads, usually close to its flat. Drink often ends up on the floor of its bathroom.

What It Drives: A battered-up Opel or Escort or Toyota which it drives down home every few weeks with a few of the lads with its washing in the boot for its mother to do. Sticker on the back says "97 MO SAM", barely concealing the hastily torn "96 MO SAM" sticker beneath. Saint Christopher emblem usually found stuck to dashboard.

What It Watches: Any GAA match, Baywatch, Nationwide, and porn movies which it shows on Pat's rented video.

Leisure Activities: Can be generally summed up by the phrase "having crack". This usually involves drinking large quantities of alcohol and getting sick. Enjoys staying in, drinking mugs of instant coffee and smoking John Player Blue cigarettes, crashing out in someone else's pad and groping some girl behind the couch.

Favourite Food: Bunburgers and chips, take away Chinese meals, Mars bars, crisps, peanuts, biscuits. Exclusively shops at the local 24 hour shop for chops and rashers after the pub shuts.

Political Views: Naive. Votes Fianna Fail, mainly because its local candidate lives in the same town as he does in the country. Most virulent political views are expressed in the pubs, e.g. by singing 'The Four Green Fields'.