Timothy Jones in the Ring
"Welcome to UWM Saturday Night. This is the last night before Down To Hell Pay-Per-View! This is the always cool Ken and next to me is the always lame Steven,"said Ken. Steven said,"Thank You, Ken... well, we've got a great show for you and tomorrow will probably be even better." "No Chance" came on and Timothy and his group walked out. They stood at the entrance and Timothy Jones pointed to the pile of dirt with the tombstone and empty grave. He said,"As you all should know, Joe "Tough Guy" Hart will face STD Derek at Down To Hell. It will be a Buried Alive Match. I'll show you how this match works and.." The sound of glass shattering interupted Mr. Jones and the crowd was on their feet. Ken said,"Derek's never looked better!" Steven said,"That's not Derek. That's John Carter dressed like Derek." Mr. Carter dressed as PD Derek held a little plastic belt high and said,"Jones, you'll never have my belt even though, Joe is stronger than me, faster than me, and better than me. No one can beat me. I'm the Pimp Daddy! Someone better call my momma because I'm about to whoop somebody!" Joe came from behind and hit him with a shovel softly. Mr. Carter said,"Oh, no. Now, I'm gonna lose. John fell on the dirt and Joe rolled him into the grave. Timothy said,"With STD Derek in the grave, Joe will cover him with dirt until no more of him can be seen." Joe did that to the fake Derek. Mr. Jones said,"Your winner, Joe Ha.." The real PD Derek came from the back driving a contruction Backhoe. He moved the front over the grave and filled the grave with dirt. Steven yelled,"DEAR GOD! John Carter's in there! GET HIM OUT!" Derek backed out. Officals came out and dug John up.
Hardcore Howie vs. Crispy
"Well, in a match ordered by Mr. Jones, Howie must defend his title against Crispy tonight" said Ken. "Yes, but if Howie beats Crispy, at Down To Hell, he will face Kid Kaos" said Steven. Crispy's music began and Crispy came down to ringside with a dumpster full of weapons. Hardcore Howie's music hit and Howie came out with the Hardcore Title and a mic in hand, "Crispy, you dumb son of a bitch, Jones is making a big mistake in making you fight me for MY hardcore title. I've held this belt longer than anyone before. You're not gonna take it away, not anybody. Crispy, I'm gonna put you in that dumpster where you belong you piece of garbage." And as Howie went to run to the ring, Triple X came from behind and hit Howie in the back with a chair. Crispy ran up the ramp way and started stomping Howie. "Here we go!" yelled Steven. "I smell a slobberknocker" replied Ken. Crispy brought Howie down the ramp and slammed him into the side of the dumpster. Crispy grabbed a trash can and dented it over Howies head. Crispy repeatedly hit Howie and covered 1,2, kickout. Crispy picked up Howie and slammed him into the ring steps hard. Crispy tried it again but Howie countered with a hard kick to the nuts and a half ddt onto the steel steps. "OOHHHHHHHH DDDADDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY, Crispy will be missing a few teeth." Crispy was bleeding from his mouth. Howie grabbed a table from under the ring and the crowd cheered. Howie set the table up and grabbed Crispy to give him a powerbomb through a table, but Triple X tried to sneek up from behind and hit Howie with a chair again. Howie saw him coming and kicked him in the gut causing him to drop the chair, Howie picked the chair up and dented it over Triple X's forehead. "GOOD GOD OL" MIGHTY!!!!! Triple X is out cold!!!" screamed Steven. Howie turned to try and powerbomb Crispy but Crispy had recovered and connected with a modified super kick. Crispy grabbed a Chair from the dumpster and hit Howie in the back with the edge. Finally, both men were in the ring and Crispy piledrove Howie onto the chair and covers 1,2,...NO!!. "WOW!!! What resiliency by Hardcore Howie" yelled Ken. Crispy was getting frustrated and started to gather weapons outside the ring. Crispy threw in a Chair, cookie sheet and slid in the table that was set up. Howie regained focus only to be smoked with a cookie sheet in the head. Howie popped right up though and Crispy went for a second time but missed and Howie kicked Crispy and Sambo Slammed him onto the chair. Howie got up and grabed Crispy, threw him into the ropes and tried a clothsline but missed and hit the ref, Crispy bounced off the ropes and connected with the Crispy Spear. Crispy covers and a stunned ref crawls over 1...2... and Kaos pulls Crispy off. "WHERE DID HE COME FROM!!!" screamed Ken. "Did he come from under the ring?" Kaos jumped on the apron, climbed the top rope and delivered the Mosh Dive to Crispy. Howie seen this and climbed the opposite turnbuckle and waited till Crispy got up. Crispy got up and Howie connected with a the Bulldogg. Howie pins 1,2,3. "Howie is still the hardcore champion" said Steven. Kid Kaos was on the toprope and tried the Mosh Dive on Howie but Howie countered and delivered a massive powerbomb. "OOOOHHHHHHHH DDDDADDYYYYYYYYYY." Howie picked up a beaten Crispy and threw him over the top into the dumpster. "There you go you piece of trash, say hi to your dad Oscar for me jackass." Howie left being boo'ed out of the building. "Well Kaos tried to get the upper hand but was thwarted" said Steven.
Studly Boys Backstage
The Big TV activated and showed an image of the Studlys in their locker room. Pa Pa Ray said, "How can we get back at the Rogues for taking OUR t-t-t" D-Buff smacked him. Pa Pa continued,"Tag titles!?" Steven said, "Looks like the Studlys are still mad about their loss last week." D-Buff said nothing but just sat there and though. Pa Pa Ray jumped up and said, "I know!!!" D-Buff said, "What?" Ken said, "What kind of plan do you think these two idiots have come up with?" Pa Pa Ray continued, "We can plug up their asses, then give them Ex-Lax until they explode!" Steven said, "Oh dear God..." Pa Pa Ray sat down and said, "No...That wouldn't work. How would we get to their asses? Oh well..." D-Buff said, "Hey, I know! What if we ripped off their balls and shoved them down their throats!" Steven said, "Can someone shut down that Big TV? We've seen enough..." The Big TV powered down. Steven said, "Finally...Let's get back to the action."
Sign of the Week
Pretty Fly is Pretty Gay
Pretty Fly Danny Smith vs. Justin Edible
"Pretty Fly For A White Guy" hit and Danny Smith walked out to a semi-large pop, dancing and moonwalking. "GET DOWN, for Pretty Fly Danny Smith!!" yelled Ken as he got up and danced a bit. Steven said, "...Please sit down you're embarassing me..." Ken replied, "Awwww c'mon Steven, Danny can teach you how to be PRETTY FLY!!" Then puking noises were heard as Justin Edible walked out with the TV title. He walked slowly, staring Pretty Fly down while Smith beckoned to him to hurry up. "Pretty Fly wants to GET IT ONNNN!!!" yelled Ken as Edible slid in and Pretty Fly kicked him with rage. He used the ropes for leverage as he continued to kick him before the ref shoved Danny Smith away. "Danny has a vengaence today.." said Steven. When Justin got up Pretty Fly snapmare and spinal tapped him. "Ouch, sharp kick to the spine!" said Ken as Edible got up and Pretty Fly threw some jabs at him. At the third one Edible blocked and threw a vicious right that knocked down Danny. As Danny got up, Edible snap suplexed him and quickly pinned. Ken said, "Too early Justin" as Danny kicked out at 1. Justin called for a Sky High and waited for Pretty Fly to get up when a man came from the back. "THAT'S ADAM BLACKMAN!!!" yelled Steven as Blackman slid in and dropkicked him in the head and dvd'ed Adam. Pretty Fly looked angry but stood in a corner. The ref rang the bell. Justin Edible won. Adam got on a mic and said "Justin, at Down To Hell, I want YOU in a cage for that TV Title and I'll send YOU, Downnnn Tooo Helll!!" Steven said, "WHOA, another match for Down To Hell!!" Ken licked his lips and said "SLOBBERKNOCKER" as Pretty Fly music hit and he moonwalked backstage.
Studly Boys Backstage
"Something's going on backstage. Let's take a look," Steven said. The Studlys came up on the Big TV. "Oh no, not them again!" Ken yelled. The Studlys snuck up on the Rogues and started pounding on them. D-Buff picked up a chair and hit Jesse with it, while Pa Pa Ray worked on Lukas with a trash can. The Studlys both did ddt's onto their weapons. "The Bane's are in pain..." Steven said. "You idiot. No one knows the Rogues as the Bane's. You have to explain things to the audience," Ken said. The Studlys gave both the Rogues a 3-S. D-Buff said, "Rogues, we challenge you to a match for our belts that you stole from us, TOMORROW NIGHT at Down To Hell! If you've got any balls, you'll accept." Pa Pa Ray said, "We WILL win the t-t-t-..." D-Buff smacked him and Pa Pa Ray said, "Tag team titles back!"
Matt Sledge/Womankind vs. ReyMooseJr/Ravishing Regal Rini
Matt Sledge and Womankind walked out to a chorus of boos. "The crowd hates these 2. It's obvious who the fans will be behind in this match," Steven said. Rey and Rini came out and the crowd roared. "As we all know, Rini and Womankind have had quite a history," Steven said. "Yeah, but my favourite part of all that was when Womankind ripped off Rini's top! OH DADDY! But the thing is...I was probably one of the last guys to see those in the world," Ken said. "Ken...Shut up. Rini's not a slut and you know it. Anyway, this will be an inter-gender match-up. The rules are simple. A girl cannot fight a guy. If a girl tags in a guy, then the opponent's male wrestler will also be the legal man. One pinfall wins the match," Steven said. The ref rang the bell. "Looks like Rey and Matt are going to start it off here," Steven said. Matt ran at Rey and clotheslined him down. Matt picked up Rey and gave him a backbreaker. Matt threw Rey off the ropes and tried a spinebuster, but Rey reversed it into a ddt. Matt got up quickly and tagged in Womankind. "That means Rini will also have to come in and wrestle," Steven said. Rini got the upper hand with a series of punches to the stomach. Rini threw Womankind into the corner. Rini tried to follow up with a splash, but Womankind moved. "Visions of Kidmike there," Ken said. Rini bounced out of the corner, turned around, and ran at Womankind, but Womankind backbodydropped her. Womankind bounced off the ropes and gave Rini an axekick. Womankind covered and got a 2 count. Womankind threw Rini off the ropes again. Womankind tried a clothesline, but Rini ducked. Rini came back with a dropkick. Rini started pounding away on Womankind. Rini gave Womankind a fisherman's suplex and got a 2 count. Rini went over to her corner and tagged in Rey. "I don't know if that was a smart move. She had the upper-hand on Womankind, and now Matt gets to come in too," Steven said. "Rini's not smart, in case you haven't figured that out, Steven. She's gotten by because she puts out. Hey...$50 says her original hair colour was blonde!" Ken remarked. Steven sighed and said nothing. Rey jumped into the ring and ran at Matt, but got a spinebuster. Matt gave Rey a legdrop, and then picked him up and gave him a powerslam. Matt picked up Rey for the Sledge Hammer. "Wow...This could be all over. WAIT!!! Who's that!?" Steven screamed. The Big Moose came down to the ring to a scream of cheers. Rini went over and distracted the ref's attention away from the ring. Matt saw the Big Moose and dropped Rey. Matt tried to kick the Big Moose, but the Big Moose caught his foot, spun him around, and gave him a Moose Slam. The Big Moose exited the ring and Rey covered 1...2...3! "I hate to say it...But Matt and Womankind got screwed out of that victory," Steven said. Moose Pack left and Womankind yelled at them with the mic. They turned around and she said,"You think that's it! How about at Down To Hell we made it 3-on-3? It'll be ReyMooseJr, Slut, and Big Moose verses me, Matt Sledge, and hmmm....you'll just have to find out.
Macho Moose in the Ring
Moose pack's music hits and Macho Moose walks out. "Is he schedualed to be here?" asked Ken. Macho grabs a mic "OOOOOHHHHHHHHH YYYYYEAAAHHHHHHH , Misery, get your ass out here right now, and don't turn the lights out or sneak up from behind with a baseball bat. Come and face me like a man in the ring OOOHHHHH YYYYEAAAAAHHHHH." Macho waited and said,"C'mon get your ass out here, don't make me go find you." A figure lowers from the ceiling and lands right in front of Macho Moose. They stare at each other and a brawl insues. Macho gets the advantage and starts punching Misery. Officials run from the back and try to stop the brawl. Macho gets pinned in the corner and Misery rises up to the ceiling again. "Your MINE MISERY!!!"yells Macho Moose.
Jerkicho vs. Al Fro/Mr. Happy
5,4,3,2,1, crowd cheers BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!! Jerkicho came from back and walked to the ring. "Whats he doing out here?" asked Steven. Jerkicho grabbed a mic "WELCOME TO UWM IS JERKICHO!! No all of the Jerkichoholics know that I am the greatest and to prove this, I challenge anyone no, any tag team in the back to fight Y2Jerk in a hardcore handicapped match!" "Woah, I'm sure one team will be anxious to jump on this opportunity" said Ken. Al Fro's music hit and Al and Mr. Happy came out. "We accept" and Al ran to the ring and slid in only to be stomped by Jerkicho. Mr. Happy ran down but grabbed a chair first and slid in. Jerk saw Mr. Happy and when Mr. Happy went to hit him, Jerk dropkicked the chair back into Mr. Happy's face. Al got up and Jerkicho grabbed the chair and hit him right in the face. Mr. Happy started to get up but Jerkicho hit him with the chair in the back. "Wow, Jerkicho is holding his own" said Ken. Jerk picked Al up and threw him into the ropes and hit a spinebuster on the chair. "OOOHHHHHHH DDDADDYYYY". Y2Jerk covers Al 1,2, Mr. Happy breaks count. Mr. Happy stomps Jerkicho and puts him in the corner. Jerkicho tries to fight back but Al stops the come back and both Al and Mr. Happy stomp Jerk. Al stops and poses for the crowd making fun of Jerkicho and Mr. Happy lets out a loud laugh. Jerkicho regains focus and pulls out some pepper spray out of his trunks. Mr. Happy goes to pick up Jerkicho but gets pepper sprayed in the eyes. Al Fro saw this and tried to run at Jerkicho but also got sprayed in the eyes. Mr. Happy is swinging punches wildly and Jerkicho measures him with a chair, hitting Mr. Happy in the face. Jerkicho slaps on the Lion Two-Timer and Al Fro blinded couldn't find where Jerkicho was and Mr. Happy passes out from the pain. "Jerkicho wins in a handicapped hardcore tag match,"said Steven. "Yeah these two may have been the first to experience some Y2Jerk problems,"said Ken.
Kef-Pac vs. PD Derek
The glass broke and Pimp Daddy Derek walked out. "What the hell?" asked Steven. "He isn't supposed to be here!!" Derek climbed under the ropes, grabbed a mic and started to talk. He said, "Now everyone in the back, I want you to listen up and listen good....ya see, that son-of-a-bitch Timothy Jones and his little runnin' buddies Crispy, Triple X, and Joe Hart, those bastards wanna cause Kef-Pac and The Pimp Daddy a good ole' brawl? Now listen up Kef-Pac, I figure we could put on one HELL OF A SHOW if we got it on, RIGHT HERE, IN A FAIR MATCH!!!" Ken said, "OHHH DADDY IT'S GONNA BE KEF-PAC AND PIMP DADDY!!" The crowd went nuts as Kef-Pac's music hit and he ran in and slid inside the ring. Derek waited for him to get in before delivering sharp rights and lefts to Kef's gut and ribs. Derek tried a huge forearm but Kef-Pac ducked under it and SpinKicked PD over the top rope. "What a move!" yelled Ken as Kef-Pac baseball slid into Derek's face, knocking him 5 feet backward. Kef grabbed Derek's head and crashed it against the steel steps, then threw him into the ring. "Brutal match thus far for Kef-Pac, how long can he keep it up?" said Steven. When the leader of D-Kef slid into the ring, Pimp Daddy bodyslammed him, ran into the ropes and did a jumping elbow that Kef jumped up from. "OHHH thats what makes the life insurance worth somethin'!!" yelled Ken as Derek pinned. 1...2..kickout. "So close..." said Steven. Kef got a burst of energy and tried SpinKicking him again, but Derek ducked and gave him a Tiger Driver and pin. 1...2...kickout again. "Kef's showing that reliance!!" said Steven. Kef-Pac and PD Derek exchanged blows as Kef got Derek into the corner and gave him spinning heel kicks to the chin until he fell down. "KEF'S POURIN IT ON NOW, HE'S GONNA WIN THIS ONE!!" Kef-Pac got up and did the Kram It sign to the crowd while Pimp Daddy Derek was lying face down nursing his chin. The ref checked up on Derek. Suddenly, a man from the back ran out. "TRIPLE X!!! WHAT A BASTARD, THEY WANTED A FAIR FIGHT!!!" yelled Steven as Triple X ran into the ring. He pulled Kef-Pac to face him, kicked him in the nuts, SexDegreed him and rolled him over. "Triple X interfered, Kef has no chance now.." said Steven as Derek got up, lifted up Kef-Pac and Sex-Factored him and pinned. He got a quick 1..2..3 and raised his hands up high. "Derek couldn't even see XXX, he thought he won fairly...damn that Triple X!!" said Steven. Ken said, "Well, Derek retained his UWM title, but could easily lose it at Down To Hell!!"
Timothy Jones in the Ring
"No Chance" came over the loudspeakers and Timothy Jones walked out with Joe Hart and Crispy as his bodyguards. "Here's the boss...I wonder how he's going to screw Kef-Pac this week," Steven said. "Maybe if you'd shut up, we could find out," Ken said. Timothy Jones grabbed the mic and said, "I was just doing a little thinking backstage, and it came to my attention that Kef-Pac does not have a match at the Down To Hell yet." Steven said, "That's true. Kef-Pac didn't defeat Derek, so Derek keeps the title and moves on to face Joe Hart for the belt at Down To Hell." Timothy Jones continued, "I've come here to fix that little problem today. Kef-Pac, your opponent at Down To Hell will be none other than...Sin!!!" Steven yelled, "WHAT!? That's a total mismatch! There's no way Kef-Pac can beat a giant powerhouse like Sin!!! This isn't fair!" Mr. Jones said,"Just so you know I mean business Kef-Pac, Sin and Pane will face your boys Kevin Michaels and RoadFoxx, RIGHT NOW!" The crowd boo'ed as Timothy Jones walked back to the dressing room area.
Sin/Pane vs. Kevin Michaels/RoadFoxx
"OHHHHH DADDY!!! THE MAIN EVENT, SIN AND PANE VERSUS HBK AND ROADFOXX! D-KEF VERSUS RAGE!!!" yelled Ken as Michaels' music hit, the ladies went wild and he walked out. He slid in, did the Kram It sign, took off his shirt and the ladies went wild again. Then RoadFoxx's music hit and he came out with his women. "WOOHOOO!!! EVERYONE ABOARD THE FOXXXXXXXXX TRAIN!!! ROADIE CAN I GET ONE OF YOUR FOXXY LADIES??" screamed Ken as Steven pleaded with him to sit down. Then The Rage's music hit and Sin and Pane came out together to mass boo's. "Let's bring ya back to Saturday Night a while back.....can we get some footage?" asked Steven as the Big TV showed Adam Blackman and Sin Spike Tombstoning Justin Edible. "Shows just how lethal they are..." said Steven as the match began, with Sin beating up on a much smaller HBK. "Well, The Rage members certainly have the size advantage, but if you ask me, D-Kef has the heart, right Ken? Ken?" said Steven. Ken said, "Huh? Wha...oh sorry Stevie, I was checkin' out those Foxxy ladies...see the one with the red dress? She's perfect for ya!!" Just as Ken said that, Sin hit a haymaker and elbow dropped HBK. Kevin struggled to his feet, but when he did he hit a surpise hurricanarana that surprised Sin more than it hurt him. He easily got to his feet, as wisely, both tagged in their partners, Pane and RoadFoxx. Pane ran at him but RoadFoxx clotheslined him and did the RoadFoxx punch combo, dancing. "WOOHOO!! THE LADIES ARE GETTING EXCITED!! LOOK AT'EM JUMP UP AND DOWN!!" yelled Ken. "KEN!! Concentrate on the match!!" yelled Steven as Pane fell down. RoadFoxx took advtange, shake, rattle and rolling a RoadKill. "Roadkill to the knees, Pane won't be able to get up!" Steven gleefully yelled as RoadFoxx pinned. 1...2...Sin broke it up by kicking RoadFoxx's face off. "DAMMIT!!" yelled Steven as Heart Break Kevin spun Sin around and superkicked his chin. "SWEET AND SOUR CHIN MUSIC, D-KEF HAS THIS ONE WON!!" yelled Steven as Ken finally noticed the match. "AWWW Steven, the girls are goin' to the other side of the ring ya scared em away!!" Steven replied, "Quiet Ken, you get paid to broadcast matches so shut up." Just as he said that, HBK pinned, but neither man was legal so the ref wouldn't count. HBK screamed, "COUNT DAMMIT, COUNT!!" but he still wouldn't and Pane picked up HBK and bodyslammed him down hard. "Ouch...Pane just manhandled him" said Steven as the legal man, RoadFoxx got back in the match by getting the ref to get Sin to leave and having HBK help him FoxxDrop Pane. Derek said, "Well, from what I've seen, which is little, D-Kef is gonna walk away with this one." RoadFoxx pinned again. 1...2...Pane kicked out. "Oh man was that close or what?" said Derek and HBK dropkicked Sin over the ropes and he and RoadFoxx joined for a double suplex. "God Pane's out of it now.." said Steven as Sin scaled the ropes. RoadFoxx and HBK turned around to do the Kram It sign to Sin but when they did, Sin jumped off the ropes did a Double Top Rope Clothesline. "WHAT A MOVE!!! WHAT A MOVE!! SAY BYE TO D-KEF!!" yelled Steven. "OHHHHHHHHH DADDY!!!" yelled Ken. "PANE'S UP WITH A VENGAENCE." Pane got up and called RoadFoxx up and when he did, Chokeslammed him. Pane put his foot on RoadFoxx's chest and listened to the ref count to 3. "It's all over, nice effort from D-Kef but it's over." said Steven. "Hold on Stevie, what's Sin and Pane up to?" asked Derek. Steven replied, "I don't know Derek, but they're pulling the D-Keferates out of the ring, dragging them by their legs." They reached the entrance ramp and Sin picked up HBK by his throat and laughed at him while he suffered. "AWWWW c'mon, put him down Sin!!!" yelled Steven. Sin didn't stop though, and Pane followed doing the same to RoadFoxx, and they walked over to the burial place. "OH GOD NO, DON'T DO IT.....HOLD ON THAT'S TIMOTHY JONES....AND HIS LITTLE PALS....OH NO" said Steven. Sin dropped HBK by his throat the burial and Pane followed suit with a chokeslam, as Timothy Jones looked on happily. Triple X stood over the grave and did the Kram It sign while Sin and Pane covered the grave with dirt. "Oh Gawd....they're buried alive.." said Steven. Ken said, "ALIVE?! After the beating they took? Hey, where did the ladies go?" The grave was finally full and Timothy Jones grabbed a mic. "PIMP DADDY DEREK....GET USED TO SEEING THIS....IT'LL BE HOW YOU LOOK AFTER DOWN TO HELL, BECAUSE, AFTER JOE HART GETS THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'LL HAVE NO CHANCE!!!"