Sometimes I sit at work and wonder if I'll every find that special someone. You know what I mean right? That person who always seems to be able to make you smile, the one who does little funny things that makes you laugh, the one you can't stop thinking about. Yeah....that's the one.
It seems like I'll never meet him, no matter how long I wait. If I waited an eternity, I'd probably miss him by minutes. I don't know yet, what he looks like, and I suppose that could be the problem and on a larger scale it looks pretty hopeless, doesn't it? I mean, no name, no face....no identity. I kinda noticed that I have nothing to work with here. But hey, it's okay. I'll deal with it right?
Anyways, I usually get into these weird moods sitting at work. Guess that's what immense boredom can do to a person. I end up daydreaming but it's not like I faze out totally or anything. I can still function and do my job, it's just that when things settle down, my mind drifts back to whatever it was i had been thinking of. Most of the times it dwells upon finding that special someone. It's inevitable that I scan my male friends and acquaintances. I guess it's to see if they fit the boyfriend criteria or something. Who knows? Then I get into these "What If" modes. Like, what if wew were together or what if we hooked up? All these unreasonable ideas popping into my mind. It's totally weird!!
I suppose it's normal and all to think about it and wonder about what could happen, but I feel pathetic when I think about it later in the day or something. Like I have nothing better to do than daydream or something? I guess I don't have anything better to do, apparently.
Getting back to the point of this whole thing, I keep wondering when I'll "hook up" with someone. Most of my friends have boyfriends. There aren't many of us left who are single. My friends have already gotten boyfriends and it seems like that's all they pretty much need nowadays. When I see them, it's like I want some of what they have, but I also see how it affects them and I don't like it and don't want that too. I want someone to give my heart to and who will give their love to me endlessly. I want the comfort of knowing that there is someone who loves me for the things I accomplish, and also loves me in all of my failure. I want the loving words whispered in my ear, I want the gentle caresses under the moonlight, I want the contented heart and piece of mind that a boyfriend can provide. But, and this is a HUMANGUS but, I could do without the isolationist attitude that I've noticed many of my friends possess. Do you know what I'm talking about or is this just me? I mean, when they get a significant other, my friends totally change! They adopt this really unattractive attitude that seems to divide themselves from any of their other friends. It's like the only person worth anything is their Bf/Gf. Kinda sick I think, because who was there first? Their "hunny" or their friends? Yeah, it seems like simple questions like that become gigantic mathematical problems or something, who's answer is like millions of miles out of grasp. I just don't get it, don't understand how a person could disrespect their friends by alienating themselves from them. I NEVER want to be like that.....Unfortunately though, I know there's no way I can have it both ways. I can't yearn for love while finding some qualities that SOMETIMES comes along with it, dispicable.
At times I believe that I'll never find someone for myself, someone who I love and who loves me back just the same. Everyone feels this way at some point in their life, I assume(or at least I hope so), but sometimes I truly believe this is my destiny. It's not like I even have a love life right now. It's like I'm idle, my gears are in neutral and I can't go any where no matter how hard I step on the gas pedal. I think maybe something's wrong with me, maybe I send out the wrong vibes...or no vibes at all. Guess that's that thing called low self-esteem kicking in huh? hehe...But I look at some couples and think to myself, "What does that girl have that I don't?" The answer fails to come to me. So if I'm just as good as her, why does she have someone while I'm alone? This is obviously one of life's most asked question, yet still remains it's largest mystery.
Maybe one day I'll find that special guy who fulfills my life but as for now, I'm content with just wishing and hoping. It's okay that I don't have a boyfriend but it would be oh so sweet if i did.....Maybe he's just around the corner waiting for me or something? Excuse me while I go look and see....it never hurts to try right? ~smile~
