week's end musings

9-17-99

I worked all day today. People gave me tasks, plus I got a huge HUGE list of vendors to call to expedite parts, so I was on the phone all afternoon. The time goes by so much more quickly that way.

I've been crying at more and more movies lately. Even the sappy ones that are supposed to make you "feel good." I hate that. For some reason I just tear up, right when I'm supposed to. Right when the guy gets all his friends to sing goofy love songs to some chick and all the guys high-five him, even though guys would never do that.

Okay, I've never cried at anything that lame. But there was a time when I only cried at Terms of Endearment and Thelma and Louise. Now I cry all the damn time.

I also find myself making stupid sympathetic faces. Like, if the person on the screen is talking, I lose control of myself and I nod, or smile politely. Like all the fake smiles and nods I use in social situations are becoming a sick habit. But at movies, for fuck's sake.

John called me last night at 1:30 to tell me he'd won $100 playing blackjack at a casino in Biloxi. He spent some of it on bourbon, which is why he called me that late. And he was so proud because he won and then cashed in, so he wouldn't lose all the money again. I didn't even realize what he was talking about until this morning. I was sitting at my desk, sorting pastel invoices, and I remembered what he'd told me and I was like, shit, that's really cool. I hope I told him so last night. Good for John.

Last night, at the end of my entry, I used the term "fast forward" without thinking too deeply. Now I'm thinking, and coming up with a pretty disturbing analogy. I could be sitting back and fast forwarding through parts of my life. Time goes quickly, days are over almost before I know they've begun.

Why does one fast forward anything? I can think of two reasons:

1. It's boring.
2. One's seen it before. Or, it's boring.

That's frightening. My life, as a whole, has not reached the boring state. An official "state of ennui" has not been declared. I'm newly married and happy, immersed in new culture and new experiences; my personal life is getting better by the day and I don't watch too much tv.

But I spend about 50 hours a week with my brain on pause. If I were watching the movie of my life, I would fast forward those sections. If I were reading the online journal of my life, I'd skim all the parts about work. Which thought leads me to wonder how many people are still reading this.

Maybe I should get a really cool screen saver for all the time my brain spends in sleep mode.

What is it about the name 'Betsy' that makes people want to append an extra name? In the five weeks I've been at this job, I've been called Betsy Lou, Betsy Sue, Betsy Lee, Betsy Bee, Betsy Mae, and Betsy Boo. From as far back as I can remember, I've been called these names, and others: Betsy Ann, Betsy Lynn, Betsy Boop, and Betsy Ross. Always said in that announcing voice. "Betsy LOU!" Or the singsong voice. "Hey, Betsy Mae!"

There's just something about the formation of the word. Maybe the strong, clear first syllable followed by the weak one. Or the natural rise of sound through both syllables, the diminutive ending needs a good strong cadence at the end. I always get a bonus name. I've gotten used to it.

I'm also used to being called by different names. Some people never get past Elizabeth, or they know I have a nickname, but they just don't remember what it is. So I hear Liz, Lizzy, etc. Some just fuck up 'Betsy' and say Betty, Beth, Bessie, or Becky. I get lots of Becky.

And the spellings...goodness. Besty is by far the most popular. Often I'm spelled Betsey or Betsie. I had a boyfriend in high school who intentionally wrote Bet-C, and once someone (unintentionally?) spelled my name Betzy. What's the deal with that?

Some people like to spell others' names the way they think that they themselves would spell that name. "So if MY name was 'Betsy,' I'd do this way cool thing and spell it with two z's, like 'pizza,' yeah, BEZZI. That's how she should spell her name. If I wrote her name that way, I'll bet she'd see it and think it was way cool."