what did I resolve, again? and again?

1-2-00

Am I the only one not just a little bit disappointed about this whole millenium thing? There were supposed to be fires, and riots, and computer breakdowns. Nuclear holocaust, looting, mass suicides, mayhem! CNN obviously thought there would be something good going on. All weekend long the preview guide has said "Millenium Coverage." All they have to show is the tapes of safe, holiday fun and fireworks. Bleh.

And more than disappointed, I'm now lost. Some small, quiet part of my brain was sort of thinking, not hoping, exactly, but thinking, you know, maybe...maybe something would happen and I wouldn't have to find meaning for my life. Maybe I'll be spared the burden of making something of myself. Maybe my overbearing ambition would be nipped in the bud. It's no easy thing, being ambitious. Perpetually looking for a better job is a full time job, you know?

I'm not even on top of my resolutions for this year. I have only vague ideas for my 2000 resolutions, and they're all cliches, like "keep healthy things in my fridge," and "have something good to write in the journal every day." So far, I've kept up my resolutions, though—I bought a Brita water filter for the fridge, and I've been thinking up good things for the journal. I can write about having something to write! Excellent!

Okay, so my first resolution is to figure out what my resolutions are. In the meantime, let's take a look at my resolutions from last year:

1. to become the person I see when I close my eyes.
Let's see. I guess that one has something to do with my physical representation. I was doing well on it—in fact, I'm not too bad at all. After I made that resolution, I lost something like forty pounds. Then I chopped off my hair, got married, and gained back only part of the weight, but it's partly muscle weight since I've been working out and playing tennis more. Yeah, okay, this one stays on the list for this year. Does any woman's list of resolutions NOT have something on it about her appearance?

2. to clean my house and keep it that way.
Huh. Whatever. Actually, when I moved last summer, I tossed or gave away a lot of shit. It's way easier to keep my house clean when there's less shit in it. For this year? Well, yeah. My house is relatively clean right now, but let's work on keeping it clean.

3. to stop making resolutions only once a year.
Well, um, since I haven't looked at the 1999 resolutions since I made them, I sort of forgot about this one. Seems sort of trite, sort of Oprah. I think I'll just axe that one.

4. to meet more people for coffee.
This one I have done. Maybe not so much coffee, though I had coffee with a few people before I left Michigan. Coffee, beer, lunch, whatever. But down here, I've made a few friends! Go Betsy! Woo!

5. to spend as much time with my euphonium as I do online.
Oops.

6. To love something every day.
I can't believe I wrote this. I know why I did—I was one cynical cookie back then. What I can't believe is that I posted it in my online journal for the whole world to read. Love something? God, how stupid. I guess it's a good one, though, and I have to admit, I don't think I loved something every single day for the past year. My husband and my cats excepted, I've probably gone whole days where I hated pretty much everything. Maybe I loved the Ben and Jerry's that I ate at the end of those days.

So hey, I guess I can just go back and try to really keep the resolutions I started LAST year. They're not so bad, for resolutions. And maybe it doesn't matter what I resolve, anyway, because I'm such a stickler for keeping them. Just kicking myself right in the ass, that's fucking right!