The First Encounter… Or the Battle of the Century

By, Loa the Keeper of Crazy Histories

Place- Mulder and Scully’s office, FBI HQ.

Time- 5 o’ clock

It’s closing time at the FBI and Mulder is still "hard" at work on an x-file. The file folder reads "Bigfoot and his obcession with sunflower seeds i.e. Mulder and his secret love. In a few moments Mulder is interupted by Frohike.

Mulder- Hey Frohike!

Frohike- Mulder, my man! Where is the tasty Agent Scully? I’m buff!

Mulder- (rolls eyes) Yeah, yeah… What’s up?

Frohike- Well, me and the guys hacked into a secret government database and- ta-da!

Frohike produces a box.

Mulder- Wow! A box! I love boxes! How did you know?

Frohike- (rolls eyes.) Mulder, you are so unsophisticated! (Belches.) This, my friend, is a magnificent invention. This is the first ever top secret time traveling machine!

Mulder- (mouth drops open) Does this mean this is (drops voice dramatically) alien technology?

Frohike- (looks blankly at Mulder) Huh? Nah! This is a Lone Gunman invention!

Mulder- So how does this work?

Frohike- You have to press this button and…

Krycek bursts in.

Krycek- Hey Muldy boy! How’s my favorite guy? Y’know Mulder we should really take a dip together sometime.

All the while, Frohike is explaining the various uses of the time machine.

Frohike- We can take ourselves all the way back to Ancient Greece! (Presses a button, portal appears.)

Mulder- Wow! (gets up.)

Frohike- Try it! Step inside. (Grins.)

Krycek- Oh, can I come?! (Claps hands, jumps through.)

Mulder- (slaps forehead) Look at what that yutz did!

Frohike- Do you want me to leave him there? (Nods, hopefully.)

Mulder- If I leave him there, Scully’s gonna yell at me.

Frohike- Oh, I don’t want Scully mad at me! Get in, now!

Mulder jumps into portal.

Place- Xena and Gabby’s campsite.

Time- Ancient Greece, morning.

Mulder falls on his face, in front of the campfire. Some of his hair falls into the flame.

Mulder- (Jumps up) AHHHHH!!! My hair! (Slaps at head and jumps around, fire goes out.)

Xena- YI-YI-YI-YI-YII!! Another villian! (Draws sword, peers at Mulder.) Wait, Joxer?

Mulder- (Holds up hands) No, I’m not Joxer! I’m Mulder!

Krycek- (tied up behind a tree.) Mulder! Mulder, my love! Save me!

Mulder- Uh… No?

Gabby appears.

Xena- Watch Ares, over there. (Points to Krycek.)

Gabby- Uh, Xena, that doesn’t look like Ares.

Xena- He has many guises, as many as I have skills! Besides, I smell evil.

Mulder- Are you wearing deordrant, Krycek?

Xena- Enough talking! You must be Ares’ new partner!

Gabby- Xena, are the Furies mad at you again?

Scene closes.

Scene reopens- FBI HQ.

Place- Mulder and Scully’s FBI office.

Time- Five minutes after the "incident."

Scully walks into the room.

Scully- Frohike, what are you doing?

Frohike- Agent Scully! (nearly drops time machine.) You know, you have the lovliest eyes. (tries to hide machine.)

Scully- Frohike, what is that portal? And where is Mulder?

Frohike- Uh, he- he… He went out for… Coffee!!

Scully- (narrows eyes.) Coffee?

Frohike- Yeah, coffee… He can’t get enough of it! (laughs nervously.)

Scully- Mulder’s been having stomach problems lately. He hasn’t been drinking coffee.

Frohike- Oh, you thought I said coffee? I meant toffee! You know that toffee! Addictive!

Scully- You obviously don’t know about Mulder’s sensitive teeth. He can’t eat sticky foods.

Frohike- (frowns) Oh, well then… (under breath) Sensitive teeth?

Scully- Enough, Frohike, where’s Mulder.

Frohike- (Places box on desk, drops to knees.) Oh, I’m sorry!! I lied! Krycek jumped into the time machine and Mulder said you would get mad, so I made him go, and now your mad, and WAHH!! (starts crying loudly)

Scully- What? Oh, God, again- I have to save the day. (Mutters.) At least I don’t have to be the victim. Let’s see how Mulder likes that job! (smiles.) Oh, well time to save Mulder’s butt. (Jumps through portal.)

Frohike- My hero.

Scene reverts back to the campsite. Mulder and Krycek are tied to the tree and Gabby stands guard with her staff.

Krycek- Mulder- I’ve always dreamed of this moment.

Mulder- (rolls eyes, looks up at Gabby.) Hey, you. You’re a beautiful, sensible looking girl. Let me go! You know, I’m an innocent enough, handsome guy.

Gabby- (Hits Mulder in the stomach with her staff.) Save it, hot stuff.

Krycek- You’re still my hot stuff!

Gabby rolls her eyes.

Xena walks to the tree.

Xena- Both of you- Shut up!! You are so annoying!

Krycek- (sniffs indignantly) Well, I wouldn’t be talking, Miss Leather.

Xena- (Kicks Krycek in the face.) No one makes fun of my armor! Shut up!

Mulder- Oh, come on, please let me go!! I’ll give you some uh, uh… Scared liquid!

Xena- (archs eyebrows.) Sacred liquid?

Mulder- Yeah. It’s called- Coffee! And it boost your energy and ummmm… rejuevenates your stomach!

Xena- Uh, that’s ok.

Mulder- Did I say coffee? I meant toffee!

Xena and Gabby- What?

Mulder- Never mind…

Suddenly, Scully appears nearby, nearly falling on her face.

Mulder- Scully!

Scully gets up and brushes herself off.

Scully- Mulder, what’s going on?

Mulder- Don’t you see- I have it all under control!

Scully- Uh, yeah…

Xena- Are you another of Ares’ spies?

Scully- Um, no…

Krycek- Scully! Heelp me! I’m scared!

Scully- Shut up, Krycek!

Krycek- (sniffles) Sorry…

A woosh of air and… Ares appears!

Ares- Xena, how could you possibly think these idiots work for me?

Mulder- I resent that! (Tries to wiggle free.)

Xena- You never know with you Ares.

All the while, Mulder has nearly strangled himself on the ropes.

Krycek- Muldy! Is your necky-poo all right?

Mulder- Eeep. (gags)

Scully- (pulls gun out) Enough! (Fires into air.)

Krycek- Ahhhh!!

Ares- (swallows) Bye!

Xena- (draws sword.) Funny, Miss Fancy Pants. YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!!!

Gabby- Go Xena! (Pulls out a little flag with a X on it.)

Mulder and Krycek- Go Scully!

Xena and Scully fight. Xena punches, Scully blocks. Scully drops gun. Scully kicks, Xena flips.

Xena- YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!!

Scully- AHHHH!

Both scream and run into each other. Both fall down.

Gabby, Mulder, Krycek- Oh.

Scully gets up, unsteadily.

Scully- Enough. (gets gun, stumbles over to ropes, pushes Gabby aside.) Come on you fruit bats. (Unties Idiot 1 and 2)

Xena has gotten up, waves sword.

Xena- Hey, where you goin’?

Scully- Hell. Wanna come? (Waves gun.) Hey Frohike, let’s go!

Portal appears.

Krycek- Wow, Scully, you’re A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

Mulder- (nods, like a dog) Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Scully nods tiredly and pushes both idiots through.

Scene reverts back to Mulder and Scully’s office. Frohike is jiggling the controls on the box. A portal appears and Scully and <Ulder fall out.

Mulder- (jumps up.) Wow! Scully, you’re my hero! (vaults over desk. Grabs bag of sunflower seeds.) Here a gift of gratitude, from me to you.

Scully- Yeah, thanks. (Drops bag.)

Mulder- Hey, Frohike, where’s Krycek?

Frohike- (sweating) Uh, uh, uh, uh… I don’t know. He’s missing , I think he’s in 35,000 BC

Scully- (walks over to box, flicks power switch off.) Oh, well, let’s not cry over spilt milk!

Mulder- Ah, Scully you’re the best!

Scully- Yeah, yeah.

Mulder- Well, it’s late, and my couch awaits! (Exits room.)

Scully- (sighs.) No gratitude. (shakes head.)

Frohike- I appreciate you Scully… (smiles cheesily.)

Scully- Uh, no. (Leaves room.)

Frohike- But, wait! I’m buff! Oh, Scully wait! (Runs off after her.)

Moments later, another portal appears- Krycek stumbles out, covered in snow.

Krycek- It was so cold there! But those cavemen were so friendly! (winks) Look, they even gave me a prehistoric speedo! (pulls out a hide loincloth, giggles) I hope Muldy likes it! (Dashes out of room)

The End… But stay tuned for our next episode!