Here they are.
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
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$200 bucks is it...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
>>Demon: Why so glum chum?
>>Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
>>Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
>>Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
>>Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
>>Guy: Gee that sounds great.
>>Demon: You a smoker?
>>Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
>>Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no >>biggie - you're already dead remember?
>>Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
>>Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
>>Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
>>Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
>>Demon: You into drugs?
>>Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
>>Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
>>Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
>>Demon: You gay?
>>Guy: Uh no.
>>Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
