it has been many a year since my last posts... the journal i so loved to keep has been replaced, with real life, with closure, with some regret. i have decided to open my life in a selfish hope of becoming more myself again. seeing life as the story that it is. this little venture is thank you to dad. most current ramblings. the archives. mostly written between 1997-2000. enjoy. photographs. mostly current. email. June 25, 2003 It gave me the chills. I sat perched on my living room floor. A small screwdriver in my hand. I had left the window open to hopefully let some of the humid, warm air out, and let the cool air in. the temperature had dropped considerably from the day before. The wind had a chill to it, instead of the damp heat being pushed in through the grey screens. I turned to look out the window. The clouds were passing quickly overhead against the twilight lit spires decorated with gold flickering light. If you looked closely enough, you could see beings, inside their own private dwellings. Living amongst the rest of the world in a small box. The golden lights flickered again. The deep grey against the early evening sky made the city look small. It looked as though it was all created of delicate glass, and other building of solid rock. Pieces of lives built into the stones. Pieces of death left behind the glass. The wind blew again. This time fierce enough to bend the tree outside to it's will. The tree rubbed against the screen in the window, begging to come in. the cold air rushed over the leaves and onto me. The force of air against the windows created a howling sound. Something you hear in movies, but not on a Wednesday night in the early evening. Chills ran up my spine again.   June 23, 2003 He gave me so much hope. He gave me that security I needed. He listened no matter what spewed from my mouth. We talked about nothing. He gave me that bit of courage to live my life. Now I fear he is leaving. Now I see him less. Now I feel that distance I have ignored. The reason we have been put into the same category. The reason why we found each other is the other thing that keeps us together. Is this the fair way to live? Is this what he had in mind? Is this why I am becoming that burden? That long lost friend from 3 minutes ago. I hold on with both hands, trying not to kill you. My desperation scares me. Scares me to death. Has he been there all along? That man in the clearing, that man sitting on my windowsill. Give me a sign. Anything… "To hell with you…"    04.28.03 i fear not what lies before me.i fear not the evil looks coming from a second floor window. I fear not the memory of his voice. I fear not the path that lies before me. I fear not the twists, turns and bumps in that path. my past lies behind me, covered in the prarie dust from the road by the schoolhouse. a mind of clarity and understanding has prevailed. a mind filled with the life struggles of day to day living, but aware and conscienous of the future.    03.13.03 a list of childish games has come into a conversation. a list long forgotten to the grown ups in the world. the wonder of exploration left behind ages ago. are we allowed to play now? are we allowed such innocence? does this world make us older than we really are? maybe thats the realization behind it all. the moment childish games are left behind, is the moment you grow up. well, i intend to stay 19 the rest of my life. i fully intend to feel like i never saw what i have seen. and i fully intend to remain close. does this make me old? age really isn't a big deal after all. it's only a number. if you feel a connection with someone, why not. age is just a number. and he's a perfect example.    03.06.03 I have set myself free. I live for now and not for the past. I can look back now and see things clearly. I can see it all before me, in order, the chaos settled. And it only took me 26 years. I know my chances of living are real, I can taste them. Or maybe it's just the cookies to settle my stomach. Not only have I begun to live, I can feel again. I can see myself for who I am. I can see the world for the trauma it causes. The tunes stuck in my head for years now has new meaning. The world seems alive. Even through everything, I have always been here, waiting in the wings. Waiting my turn to take control, here I am. I see you in my minds eye. I see you everywhere. You will always be a part of me. Always there when the world falls to the floor. There when no one else dared come into the room. We have seen the worst together. 4 short lives gone so soon. That was just the beginning. The moment you mentioned his name, I almost cried in front of a thousand faces. My weakest moments you have witnessed, without a second thought. My heart nailed to the wall, there you were. You've seen my worst. But I hope someday you are there to witness my best. My best has yet to come. A new life has begun. A new face appears. The living seems much more fascinating than the dead. This is quite an improvement. The past, finally starting to seem like the past. Dates are forgotten. Times are absent. My mom was right. This isn't so hard. They'll take you when you won't come back to me. The anthem, the words of another time with new meanings. I am the new life.    02.18.03 so intrigued by the species. So amazed by my lack of senses. Amazed by my lack of successfulness. A gift once in my possession has disappeared from lack of use. It has remained dormant for years. Lying still unmoving for ages. My mind is sore from functioning in such a way. Practice makes perfect.    02.16.03 Given the fact my wondering mind, I know this will eventually pass. The loner has come to call. I have become my worst nightmare, my mother. Immediately dropping the topic and switching the mind to a fantastic world. Our goals may differ, but our minds are alike. And for that, I have become stuck again in this same rut. Happiness overwhelms everyone but me. I have become overwhelmed by the eating anxiety. Feeling my stomach drops, catching that sight between bodies. Back at me. There it was, shooting through a crowd of people. Taking me over calmly. Little did they know, I was shot. My soul was escaping my body. Unable to breathe and not let go. Reality hit me with a swipe of a shoulder. I was able to breath again. I was able to see again. The room that seemed empty for a small moment was again filled with people as it had to begin with. My stomach lurched. Thank god it was a fairly dark room, the world can't see my blood rushing through my veins. If I were as translucent as I felt, they could see my heart race and nearly explode. GS - 9.5 Someday to be free of that life seems to be liberating but unknowingly causing disaster as I stroll about the deepest thick of my mind. Green and Blue it is. Blue like I have always wanted. Clear and vibrant. Green like the deep Amazon. Rich and lush. The two colors flow together in a coolness. The colors surround me and cool to the touch are my surroundings. My skin is the only thing to burn with deep warmth. Glowing a burnt orange from below. Glowing. My skin becomes transparent. The world apparent to the longing that dwells deep inside an empty soul. The potential of passions lying only beneath the surface of my skin. The key is still unknown to the world. I long to feel the warmth seeping from my pours. I am afraid that key is something I will not find. And if I find it, it will remain out of my grasp.   01.20.03 Life without progress is no life at all. Progress in self, things around you. Possibilities. With progress. Fierce competition is competition of heart and mind in your own head. Given the ambition only because the lust of money was greater. You taint the world that I loved. You disgusted anyone who cared.   december 19. my idea of closure. getting on with my life. not seeing the autopsy report in my dreams. seeing his body whole. no more blood. no more panic attacks when my mother calls. she always calls with bad news. she never came into my bedroom, unless she had bad news. the moment she brought up the newspaper. the moment death comes to the door. there she is in her bathrobe and slippers. my idea of closure. my mother never coming into my bedroom again. no matter how much time does go by, that's what i will always remember. so much pain for someone my age. she would hug me. i hate this time of year. but time has had a better effect on me. time doesn't heal pain, but those forgotten memories sometimes do. i don't think i will ever think the same about riding on the back of a motorcycle. i remember holding on for life. holding on. the wind would seep through my jacket. my arms were around him. it happened. he was real. i still feel his hugs in my dreams. i still here the harley starting in the basement underneath my bedroom. the stillness in the air can kill you.     december 18. i can't wait for my life to start. two grey hairs away from death. here i sit. the same place i have been for years. the elder adores, but where are my contracted accounts. your words bring little hope into the cut-throat world. i feel i have given in as my words slip. i am going to do this my way. that's all there is to it. two greys and from now on... this life is mine. i have no more time to waste. this is mine.      november 26. i miss what i was. i miss what i used to stand up for. i wandered the co-op today, looking for vegetarian chicken salad. yes, it exists. i thought today more about the lacking of life in my own. what i always thought was missing, really isn't too far away. a feeling of rebellion swept over me today as i wandered the co-op isles. why couldnt i feel like this all the time? well, besides the fact that it takes a hell of a lot of energy to be pissed off at the world all the time. i thought about until i sat down here, turned my email on and received an email for my work. then reality slapped me hard in the face. my work. what my life has been revolving around is my work. i've been so caught up in running my business, i forgot about life. and the feeling i felt today triggered it all. i felt it. i felt a feeling. i have been numb for so long. i have remained untouchable, a coward in the corner. my life has made me build those walls that therpists have told me about for years. and finally, i can see them. but how do you combine what real life is about and what your work is about. i intend to keep my brain out of that big, white, fluffy closet. just like i kept it out of the black leather, 6 inch spiked heel closet. it all gets under my skin. i am still selling my soul for pennies. i hate to think about those girls. billie and kelly. and everyone else. o.b. was quite happy and proud to see me move on. why can't those addicted to what they love about me move on as easily. a life that always comes back to haunt. holy skeletons, marge.     november 21. repeating the same mundane efforts everyday. repeating the it over and over. filling the day with untamed chaos. just when you think you can grasp your life, it slips. your life becomes something you never dreamed. it turns into your worst nightmare. overbearing. constant. nagging. exhausting. so much for living the un-american dream. i live the all american disaster. overworked. under paid. controlled by other peoples whims. controlled by the sound of a cell phone. controlled by my lack of patience. controlled by the drive for something better. the amercian dream for a sleepness night.     november 18 it's strange to see this time come around again. the time when downtown can be see from the window in the other room. when the cold air seeps through the doors and through the air conditioner still sitting in that window. when you don't want to leave the warmth of your car when you know the biting air will steal your breath. my old game of word association has dissipated into the biting cold. those inevitable reminders no longer remind me of what i thought i could never resolve. what i thought would always haunt me. yes, i have a past. a past of fear, regret, loss, hopelessness and millions of words to associate. that life is something that 1300 miles still has yet to forgive. i try to forget, but that old saying coming running into my head and i struggle. do i forgive myself? or forget myself. there is no one else to blame. just steeping in that same old self pity. wallowing in that blanket of deepened feeling. that blanket. i want to burn that blanket. i think you were wrong about that. a worthless trip to the manchester dunkin donuts you wanted to take. you as a therapist, sitting in the passenger seat with your legs crossed and your chin in your hand. you had no idea who i was. he never told you that i remembered the rose and the nofx sticker on the truck. he never mentioned samiam and the video store. it was our secret that you never figured out. or on. no more oversized godfathers on the wall, because we're all adults now. we've all given into the same routines. the same life dulling feature films.     eaw 2002 copyright. thank you