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I can barely recall her face,
Its' been so many years since she died.
I can remember her eyes, though
Green like a glass Coke bottle.
I recall us laughing together
Til the tears came
Me and my three sisters,
Making fun of
The rest of the family
Sharing sister-secrets
Each of us acting within
The well-defined
Parameters of each others' role.
She was a lost soul,
My sister.
It started in her teens
The drugs and drinking.
I recall how the first knowledge of that shocked me
And broke my heart.
I wanted to protect
My Little Sister.
She was in a place
I could not yank her back from
Though.
I tried threats.
I tried detailing
Dire consequences.
I pleaded for my sake
Since hers meant so little to her.
Still,
The two a.m. calls came
With the thick as whipped cream
Slurred "Hello, Sis".
I always knew she was drunk
When I heard that "hello".
She tried.
She really did try.
She asked me to go to AA with her,
And one of the prouder moments in my life
Was when My Baby Sister stood up
In front of all those strangers
And said
"I am an alcoholic, and I have no power over alcohol".
The tears rushed to my eyes
And my throat tightened hard
Speech was impossible
As streams flowed down my face.
I kept thinking what courage it took
For her to stand there
So naked
So defenseless
And admit her weakness.
I would have killed someone for her
Then.
I loved her so much in that moment
That all the two a.m. calls were forgiven,
All the mayhem she caused
And the hurt she inflicted
Evaporated from my heart.
Just love remained.
She went back to drinking
Just a month after rehab.
Got another of those two a.m. calls.
She'd get so lonely, you see.
I told her I couldn't support her drinking
And that I couldn't talk to her til she was sober
Again.
I know I hurt her deep, even through the booze.
Four months later
She landed in ICU.
I went to see her
All the halls too white
Too stark.
There she lay
On a ventilator.
I sat heavily by her side
My own breath too much effort to expend.
My heart filled to bursting
With grief.
I remember wiping around her breathing tube
Hoping she sensed me there, touching her
Feeling me love her.
I remember praying God would let her know
Her Big Sister was at her side once more
Trying again to yank her out of
Harms' way.
She was in there somewhere,
I just knew it.
I was almost angry with her
Feeling she was hiding from me
Just like when she was little
And had done something bad.
My niece came in
Stood next to my sisters' bed.
She was 15
And terrified of losing her closest link in life.
The image of her holding Ricias' hand
Stays with me
Even now,
Her small voice pleading
"Don't leave me, Mommy…"
Only a few things in my life
Have ever hurt me as deep as that day did.
Her whole life, she stayed on the far side of the fence
Running further and further away.
Begging to be loved
Desperate to be loved
Paradoxically unable to see how loved she was
There was no rescue
Any of us could perform,
No magical combination of words or phrases
Powerful enough to lure her back,
No arms long enough to reach her
Hold her safe in an embrace.
I miss you every day,
Ricia Lee
My baby girl Ri-Ri
And every day
I wonder why
You did it.
Every day
I wonder why
You didn't believe
We loved you.
It took me thirteen years to write this, Sis,
And I don't care if anyone else likes it.
I wrote it just for you.
Maybe I should have given it to you sooner.
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