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Learning to trust again
After a hundred years or so
Of
Lies twisted like an old sycamore
Is such an arduous task
Like standing on tippy-toe
Calves straining
Arms stretching
Hard and high
Trying to retrieve
Something from a kitchen cabinet
Much too tall for one
Diminutive as I.
Almost within my grasp
The longed for object
Eludes my fingers
By barest millimeters.
"There's' no need to look any further" he says.
But you're still looking anyway.
"I have a meeting Wednesday night" says he.
Its' ten-thirty and he hasn't called; I am sure he's with another woman.
I foolishly ask if I
Am his favorite (of those he sees) while I lay in his arms
Vainly conducting the most banal of fishing expeditions,
Seeking succor
Loathing my own need to know
Feeling queasy to even acknowledge the doubt.
"There is only you…" he says
And still I wonder who else numbers that list, feeling the sour taste
of someone else saying the same words to me
Not so long ago.
"I have to work Friday night"
I know he can leave at eight or so, so why isn't he coming to me til Saturday ?
I have no balance.
None.
I try to extend trust
And it twists in me
A tattered flag in a cold wind
That leaves my heart empty
And aching,
Longing for the whole of it.
I tell myself I am okay with this
But I am not okay.
I do not remember how to trust
And believe and be peaceful
And just let it be.
I have moments
When I think I do,
But it fades too soon
Like early morning mist on the water
Lovely to behold, gone before the eye can commit it to memory.
I cannot quite get the gist of it,
Trusting.
Another mans' lies still reverberate in my ears
Whispering ancient and vulgar songs.
Waiting.
I keep waiting.
Hoping it will come.
Hoping I do not abandon the fight
Out of fatigue
From warring with too-familiar spectre.
I tell myself time will heal it.
I fear I silently persecute
An innocent man
And as soon as I think that thought
I feel the words take shape
"There is no such thing
As an innocent man" .
I am ashamed of myself
And do not know if I have real cause to be
Or
If I am just being hopelessly
Unrealistic
To think
He is any different.
I wonder
How I got like this.
Will I ever
Believe
Any man
Again ?
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