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All these fevered men,
Pawing at me.
The attorney with the loveless marriage,
His chronic back-aches that tear and torment.
He thinks I can ease his pain
And restore the light to his eyes.
The so very young man
Who thinks I will create for him
The future he lacks the direction
To create for himself.
He swears he will love me forever…
…and what do you know of forever at 28 ?
The high-stakes salesman,
Constantly yearning loins
Thinking for him,
Believing I can satiate his urges
And allow him to stay with his wife and children.
On the phone, he tells her he loves her
As he wipes off my lipstick.
He innoculates me
Against matrimony,
Nauseates me for even knowing him.
Learning piety through such sins
Is a dubious but thorough mode of education
That robs me at the same time it gives me wisdom.
I know all their secrets.
I know what they value and what they despise ,
All their larcenies large and small.
I know the path to their insides.
And they know nothing of me
And do not care to learn
Because I am filling their needs,
And after all
What is Woman for ?
I tell myself
While I am being held
That I am content,
That I cannot afford to judge them.
My heart will not process such lying,
However
And clings like dying ivy
To the hope
That One Will Arrive
Who will know how to love me,
Who will want, need and care for me;
Who will dry my tears and hold me
As if tomorrow may never come.
He'll whisper in my ear,
Saturate my senses
With his scent, his touch,
The timbre of his voice.
He will see my most needy hopefulness,
And endeavor to fill it,
Assuaging the interminable hurt
Haunting me every hour of every day.
His heart will recognize mine
And nurture tender feelings for me
Aside from just passion.
He will want to know my suffering and shame
And love me despite it.
His heart will beat for me alone,
And I….
I will spend every day of my life thereafter
Adoring, loving, trusting and thanking him.
Oh God, Dear Father,
Have mercy on this tortured and bone-weary soul;
You know how I struggle to hang on
So please
Send
Him
To
Me.
I cannot endure this lurid theater any longer.
There is such love in me
I need to give.
My heart aches,
My heart aches.
Who am I kidding?…..
There is
No such man.
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