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Your arms were around me,
Hugging me goodbye
Telling me you love me.
My breath caught in my throat
And my eyes closed involuntarily.
I hugged you back so hard
Praying the tears wouldn't rush
And make a fool of me.
I find myself praying often
These days.
Grocery store receipts with women's' names and numbers
900 Date-lines on your phone
All break my heart,
Filling me with white hot fury
That dissolves to the purplest of persistent melancholy
Telling me your eyes seek others to look into
Besides mine
That some other laugh would intrigue you more
The flirting, the dance, the romance
All new and hot and sweet.
I look at you
Your butane blues
Burning holes into my soul
And a tenderness sweeps over me
Hoping against hope you'll realize
What We Have,
That you won't destroy it
With this Elysium searching
Satiety just out of your reach;
And when you are quiet
I wonder who occupies your thoughts
Or if my hair being windswept
Or my face being sunburned
Or the crows' feet at my eyes when I smile
Points up to you an unforgivable
Imperfection.
When I am at your house
The evil of that re-dial button taunts me
The suspense of not knowing the truth
Of whom you courted last
As unbearable as knowing:
I flail between the two corners of Hell.
Long ago,
I stopped believing in dreams
The chrysalis of that life
Disintegrating
With the wisdom bitter trial and error brings;
All the same,
Here I am in your life
Still believing in Love
Wanting to save you from being so inexorably lost
(…In the fog of your mystical defenses
Against monsters in the dark you cannot name
Night terrors forcing you to run blindly away…)
Bring you home gently
Show you the way once more.
I am afraid of your weakness….
…you saying I am "paranoid"
And my contending you are damaged.
You will never know Love
If you will not surrender to It.
For Gods' sake,
Recognize me,
Before you go too far
Hurt me more than I can forgive you for.
I look at you and acknowledge
The potential of that heaviest of pain
for us both
And the prayer rises in me
" God, let me be enough…let him see…"
I will not come back to you
Again.
So often, the pleading swells in my heart
And I want to beg you
Not to throw us away…
…I want to tell you
Even if you found another
So very quickly you'd realize your error
Sooner or later she'll do something
And you will realize it was the wrong something
Not like me;
With a sickening shock
The realization that you
Miss me
Need me
Want me
Love me
Will come to you
Like a slap in the face.
….I beg you:
You don't have to lose me to discover
you really do love me.
I am what you are searching for
And perhaps I am not novel
Or thin
Or thirty
Or flawless
But I love you strong and true and deep
Despite your knots
A lifetime worth…
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