I get a certain "pleasure" from being called sir, or when I catch a straight girl checking me out. I don't feel comfortable being called a girl, or being viewed as such. I never have. I remember being a child and praying to "God" . I prayed for him to make me a boy. For awhile, I had myself convinced that when I got older, the ouside of me would match my inside. I believed it even when I started developing breasts. I finally gave up hope when I got my first period at 12 years old. When I was 14, I discovered the gay community in Toronto and I tried living my life as a dyke.
At 15 I found the Triangle Program, an alternative school program for GLBT youth who were at risk or had already dropped out of high school because of homophobia. It was there where I first heard the term transgendered, and I met my first out transgendered person. When it was explained to me, it was like a light went off inside my head. I found the proverbial missing piece of the puzzle. I finally knew that there were other people like me, that everything my mother said about me being a freak wasn't true.
Even though I knew what I was, it was still a few years when until I was comfortable with it enough to tell other people. So, for a while, i played with gender. The more I played with it, the more I felt comfortable with myself.
Currently I am in the early stages of my transition. I am pre-testosterone and I guess, pretty much pre- everything. Right now I am trying to make contacts with the local FTM community, and looking for a therapist so I can get on T. I will be updating my site as my transition progresses,
People are afraid of what they do not understand. They are afraid of anything that goes against what society has taught them. As people who "live outside the norm" it is our job to educate such people. Things aren't going to change on their own. We have a responsibility to work for this change.
July 8, 2004. It's been awhile since i updated the site. today i've made some basic colour changes and such, so i thought that i'd update a bit on my life. Things seem to be going well, i have a decent job that i love. before April of this year, i had been unemployed for almost a year.
i still haven't started my physical transition. its not that i'm not ready for it, its more of a matter of paperwork. i moved from Nova Scotia to British Columbia over a year ago, and since then I've never really gotten around to getting medical coverage. i applied for coverage in April, shortly after i got my job. Supposedly it takes 90 days to process any new coverage for people, so i have a while to wait.
Surprisingly, right now, i don't feel like i need to be taking testosterone to feel male. something inside me has changed within the past year. I'm starting to feel more male every day. if i didn't know before, I definately know now. i'm a transgendered person. a guy. I don't need the support of the world to make me feel validated about this. I am who I am and i don't need anyone else's approval.
January 22, 2005. i thought i'd update this. its been a damn long time and so much has changed for me. i've decided against transitioning. i'm still going to be Linc, but i've realised that T won't make me a dude. yes, physically it will, but i don't think i need that. i believe in my head that i'm a guy, so why do i need it? i'm happy with who i am for the most part and this is what i'm choosing now. who know? things may change given time, but for now this is what i'm going to to. this is who i need to be.
now don't get me wrong, i'm not knocking guys who do go on testosterone. i have the utmost respect for anyone who does that, but for the time being its just not for me.
i'm starting school in 2 days. yes, i said 2 days. i'm so nervous. but i'm happy. for the first time in my life i feel as if i have some direction. its a damned good feeling. i know what i want from life right now and i'm not afraid to go and get it.
life is good, and its only getting better .
June 25, 2005 I'm doing very well in school. i've decided that i want to do some work in the queer community. I've also decided that i'm going to transition. I'm seeing a psyciatrist on monday. it's saturday now. two more sleeps =) i think i was afriad to transition. i didn't want to lose friends. it's a big step. i don't know what the future has in store, but i know that the journey ahead of me is a long one.
July 22, 2005. It looks like i'm going to be starting my transition very soon. i was given the name of a local dr who is quite trans friendly. i met with him close to two weeks ago. i'm just waiting for my blood tests to come back, then i think i should be starting hormones. i feel a lot happier than i ever have, but at the same time i have a strange feeling of fear in the back of my mind.