Part 14-15

I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay where I was. It was so nice here, so safe and warm. After all the coldness and hardship, this was such a welcome reprieve. I struggled against the forces that were pulling me out of this cocoon, but to no avail. Figures. Spike feels good, can’t have that, now can we? Oh bloody hell, do it then, take me out of here. I’ll adapt, as usual.

            I opened my eyes. It was light, where I expected darkness, warm, where I expected cold. This couldn’t be right. Turning my head, I looked at my surroundings. A room. Not a crypt. I blinked. Still a room.

            “I was seriously considering calling the Guinness Book of Records.”

            There was someone talking to me. Correction, spouting complete crap. “Wot?” Hey, my voice was working!

            A chuckle. “How long can you pass out after sex? I’d say you set the record.”

            Wait, sex? I got laid? I shifted a little and discovered that my body was aching. All over. If I had gotten laid, I sure as hell hadn’t been a gentle fuck. “What record?”

            “Almost 7 hours? Sounds like a record to me.”  A pause. “But then, it could have to do with you still not being well. I’d like to think otherwise, though.”

            There was only one person I knew who could utter such absolute nonsense and make it sound believable. “Harris.”

            “Hey, Spike.” His voice was gentle and warm. “Have a nice nap?”

            The greatest. “Yeah.” I finally could see him, sitting at the end of the couch. A couch I had apparently fallen asleep on. Naked. I was covered with a soft blanket, which explained the warmth I felt. Then it came back to me, in one giant crash. Bloody hell, I had gotten laid! Fucked by a sorcerer and a ghost. Of all the beasts in hell…

            “Not liking being compared to a hell beast, thanks.” He tried to make it sound harsh, but I heard the amusement.

            “Not you, you twit! And stop reading my mind.”  I sat up, ignoring the loud protests of my body. I wanted to look at him, see that spark of amusement in his eyes.

            “You didn’t seem to mind it before.”

            Not the pout, please not the pout. I steeled myself against the sight of that stuck out bottom lip, resisted any urge to capture it between my teeth. There were things that needed to be said first. It took every scrap of self control I had, but I did it. “I didn’t mind before,” I told him. “I do now. We have to talk.”

            He sighed deeply. “Never thought I would hear you say that. But… me first.” I nodded, secretly glad I didn’t have to take the lead in this. Call me a coward. “When I brought you here, I was scared of what the two of you might do to each other. You promised me not to get into a fight with him again and I believed you. Yet, I also know what Giles is capable of.”

            “He wouldn’t have hurt me.” Because of you. I added those words in my mind, knowing I didn’t have to say them out loud. He knew.

            “Maybe not, but I was still scared. I was the one who opened up the bond, not Giles.”

            “So you were there all the time?” He had seen and felt everything. Strange, but that should’ve shocked me. It didn’t. I shook my head, smiling. “Told you before you were sneaky.”

            “Wasn’t meaning to, honestly. I just was worried. Very worried and…I’m babbling and you’re not upset about it, are you?” He looked at me, head tilted to one side, looking adorable. Puppy dog eyed Xander. The picture of innocence. To those who didn’t know any better.

            “Stop it,” I grunted. “You already have me wrapped around your finger.” And there was the pout. “Xander!” Irritation got the better of me. He had pulled up the walls again and I wasn’t liking it, not one bit. “I know you can do adorable, but this isn’t the time for it. Be serious!”

            His face fell. He averted his gaze, staring at the wall. I could see a muscle twitching in his jaw. He was upset. Usually that bothers me, but I didn’t even feel a twinge of remorse. I needed to know where he stood, where I stood.

            He stood and turned towards me. His arms were pressed close against his sides, hands clenched to fists. “You don’t want to know how close I am to hitting you,” he gritted out. “For weeks I have seen you two fighting over me. Did you even consider me? At all? Did you stop and think how this would affect me? I felt invisible. Not a new feeling, but I had expected something different from you. After all, you are supposed to love me!!”

            My gut reaction was to jump up and shake some sense into him, but that sodding piece of technology in my head cut that short. “Fuck!” I hissed, pressing my hand to my forehead and closing my eyes against the pain.

            “Oh please! And you accuse me of hiding?!” He was closer now, I could feel his breath on my face. “How long are you going to hide behind the chip? How long before you realise I don’t buy that crap anymore?!”

            I opened my eyes. He was very close, dark eyes looking into mine. For an endless moment we stared at each other and I felt something uncurling inside, unleashing a storm of emotions. I felt pride, sorrow, love and finally, overriding everything else, fury. “I considered you,” I grated out. “I’ve done nothing else since this whole thing started. Beating up the Watcher wasn’t the wisest thing to do, but I’m not sorry I did. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. Tell me now to walk out into the sun and I’d do it.” The fury wound itself down, deeper truths were revealing themselves. I reached up and cupped his face with my hands. “I can’t hide behind the chip, it doesn’t let me. The mere thought of hurting you sets it off. Accuse me of not being willing to share you, accuse me of being a total ass about it, but never accuse me of not thinking about you.”

            The sound of a sharply inhaled breath and then he was gone. My hands were trying to hold on to thin air, grappling helplessly to find something solid. My first thought was an angry ‘I wasn’t finished yet!’, followed by a confused ‘Where the hell did he go to?’. Frantically I looked around the room. He wasn’t there. I forced myself to concentrate. I hadn’t heard the front door, so he had to be in the house. A faint sound from the direction of the bathroom was all I needed to get into action. I shot from the couch, looking around for something, anything, to put on. Finding my clothes in a neat pile next to the coffee table, I took my jeans and shrugged them on. That done, I ran to the bathroom.

            He was sitting on his knees by the toilet bowl, puking his guts out. Acting on impulse, I grabbed a wash cloth, held it under the tap and sat down next to him. He winced as I touched him, but didn’t move away. Taking that as a silent permission, I gathered him close. He was crying, hot tears flowing from behind tightly closed eyelids. I gently wiped his face with the wash cloth, waiting until he was coherent enough to explain what brought this on. Sitting there, my mind wandered back to all the times I had held Dru like this. She could get upset about the tiniest things. I recalled one incident where she had torn half the town apart, killed a dozen people without feeding from them, all because she couldn’t find one of her dolls. It took me hours to calm her down. We never found the doll, so I got her a new one. Anything for my dark princess. Love does something to me, makes me fall back on my human side. As the vampire I am an impatient, restless being, as a human I was neither. When love enters my existence, those two personalities blend. Angelus used to hate when that happened. He would taunt me, challenge me to react. I did, sometimes, but most of the time I just smiled and ignored it. Which made him even madder. Ah, the good old days.

            I felt Xander looking at me. Rousing myself from my memories, I smiled at him. “Hey, luv.” He wiped his nose with the back of his hand, a gesture that made my insides turn to mush.

            “You still here?” he asked in a tiny voice.

            “Why shouldn’t I be?” I responded, realising a second later he hadn’t expected me to be here anymore. For Christ’s sake, why not?!

            He tensed, moving away from me. Huge dark eyes were poised on me, filled with an emotion I couldn’t read. “I almost hit you.” His voice was rough, coloured with guilt.

            “You didn’t.” I kept my voice even, though I really wanted to yell. Was that what this was all about? That he wanted to hit me? Come on, luv, like I’d be bothered by such a thing. I didn’t say it out loud, not wanting to upset him further.

            “I almost did and that’s what counts.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he silenced me with a look. Determination spoke from those dark pits, so ruthless that all thoughts of contradicting him fled my mind. “I swore I’d never raise my hand in anger to people I love.”

I began to see where all this was coming from. My suspicions that he had been abused by his old man were right. I never noticed it happening while I was living there, but that could’ve been because the bastard didn’t want any witnesses. “I understand,” I said softly.

“Do you? Do you really?” Pleading and anger all rolled in one.

“I do.” I inched closer, my fingers itching to touch him. “I lived in that stinking basement for a few months, remember? Not that I didn’t suspect it before. You can cover up those cuts and bruises all you like, but you can’t hide the smell of blood.”

“I get hurt a lot during fights.”

“I’ve seen you cowering in your bed when you heard footsteps in the house,” I went on. “the smell of fear so thick I could taste it. I’ve seen you crawl back into yourself when one of your friends snaps at you. The signs are there, luv, if you know how to read them.” By now my hand was on his back, gently rubbing. “You controlled your anger back there. It takes a strong man to do that. It takes an even stronger man to rise above what he is told to believe about himself. You are that strong.” These were no mere words to placate him, I truly believed in what I was saying.

“You have an awful lot of faith in me.” Defeat, resignation, but also a trace of hope. It couldn’t have been clearer, he needed to know that someone believed in him.

“I have. How can I not? You made me believe in me again.”

Eyes wide in shock. “I made you into a killer again?”

Huh? “No, you fool! You made me believe I could make it, even with the chip.” He pressed his face against my shoulder. And why was I explaining this to him? Because you can’t see a joke if it hits you in the face, my brain taunted. “Wacko,” I scolded him. I threw my arm around his shoulders, keeping him firmly in place. He was going to listen to this. “You have the power to push people beyond their limits, to make them do things they never thought were possible. You believe in them, you believed in me. Saw there was more to me than just the attitude. Hell, pet, I couldn’t even see further than the attitude. You didn’t let me pity myself, you confronted me with myself over and over again, until I began to see what you were trying to do. You made me survive.”

“And we held that against you.” The calm voice from the doorway startled us both. I hadn’t heard anyone coming in. That bond broken, or what? Rupert chuckled. “No Spike, it’s not broken. I eavesdropped.”

“Shame on you,” Xander muttered from his hiding place against me. He drew back, gave me a smile and looked up at Rupert. “Yeah, you did hold that against me. I understood, but I didn’t like it. You see,  whenever I looked at Spike I’d see my own face staring back at me. I know what it’s like to be helpless, to possess the ability to change a situation but being unable to use it.”

“You can beat the shit out of him,” I growled.

He nodded. “I can, and I can’t. I freeze when I so much as hear his voice, my arms go numb, my legs rooted to the spot. I can’t even run.” He shuddered and I hauled him back to me. “I reacted to Spike the only way I knew how, by throwing insults. Which, of course, were thrown right back at me. Strangely enough, that helped. I spent time thinking up new insults, wondering what his reply would be. Having a laugh over it. You finally caught on and told me it was a dangerous game I was playing.”

I glared at Rupert, who returned the glare full force. “It was. You don’t mess around with a Master Vampire, chipped or not,” he replied tersely.

“And that’s where you’re wrong, I wasn’t messing around.” Xander’s gaze went to me. “You knew I wasn’t.”

“Not right away. At first I was just mad.”

“Figures,” he snorted. “Couldn’t win?”

“I can win that contest without even trying,” I huffed, genuinely offended. Brat.

“Xander, Spike!” The low bellow had us both look up at Rupert, who was glaring at us like he had just caught us fucking on the bathroom floor. “Be serious for a change.”

“Yes Dad.”

“Xan, the man said serious,” I admonished him. Our little argument had to wait. Postponed, not forgotten. He would soon feel the sting of my creative insults. To his credit, he didn’t pout, but scrambled to his feet. I followed suit, knowing we had to have that talk. Finally.

I took a left turn into the kitchen, while Rupert and Xander went into the living room. I needed blood. I took two bags out of the fridge and while waiting for the first one to heat, I rummaged around for a drink for Xander. Boy needed something to rinse the foul taste out of his mouth. Forgoing the beer, I took a can of coke. No alcohol, not now. Maybe later.

I drank the first bag in the kitchen, gulped it down more like it. My body needed lots of the stuff to heal properly and I hadn’t been in good shape to begin with. Animal blood stills the hunger, but it doesn’t provide much nourishment. Meaning, I needed a hell of a lot of it to survive. No one here was aware of that bit of information and I hadn’t enlightened them. Pride is a bitch, sometimes.

Mug and soda can in hand I padded into the living room. Handing the coke to Xander, who smiled gratefully, I sat down next to him. Rupert had taken up residence in the chair opposite us. Keeping his distance for the big talk. Not me! I take whatever I can get. Xander was grinning at me. Bloody git knows me too well. And hell on wheels, I liked that! I grinned back and then directed my gaze to Rupert. Your call, mate.

He smiled a little ruefully. “Now that we’re finally here to talk this through, I don’t know where to begin,” he said. Then let’s skip it and go right to the fun part. I got a glare and a punch for that thought. Spoilsports!

Xander cleared his throat. Going to make a speech, luv? Another glare, from Xan this time. All right, I’ll shut up. Well, no, I won’t. “I know, be serious,” I chuckled. “And I will be,” I continued, really serious now. “I’ve told Xander what draws me to him, I think it’s your turn,” I addressed Rupert.

He stared, looking very uncomfortable. Did I mention ‘stuffy Brit’ before? Come on, mate, I’m a Victorian and I did it. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “I must say I have trouble picturing you as a Victorian gentleman,” he grinned. Who said I was a gentleman? “No one.” Damn mind link! “No one did, Spike, but I always had the feeling you were.” No one? Slayer didn’t spill the beans? I’m impressed. Thankfully he let that thought go by. “All right, I guess I should tell you.” He stood, crossed the distance to the couch and sat down on the other side of Xander.

“You were a brave boy, Xander, and you’ve grown into an even more courageous man. Anyone else would have turned their backs after overhearing my conversation with Buffy, but you didn’t. You became part of that dark world, even though I know you detest every minute you have to live in it. I admire your loyalty to your friends, although they don’t deserve it sometimes.” He gave me a pointed stare, willing me to comment. Why should I? I agreed with everything he said. I took Xander’s hand, entwining my fingers with his. Rupert smiled and went on, “For the longest time I have been trying to convince myself that my feelings towards you were that of a father to a son. They were, in the beginning, but they soon developed into something entirely different. There were times when I could barely restrain myself from hugging you in front of the others.”

            “Why? Why restrain yourself?” I knew, but I still needed to hear him say it.

                “Because it would have embarrassed you greatly.” He still was addressing Xander, who nodded.

            “Very. As in ‘Hellmouth open up at my feet,  please’. Not that I wouldn’t have liked it, but in front of the others…” Xander shivered. “So not prepared to face that.”

            I had to admit, Rupert’s answer was not what I expected. Still, I liked this answer. The image of a hugely embarrassed Xander wormed itself into my brain and I chuckled. He was so cute like that. Stormy brown eyes met mine. What? What did I do wrong now?

            “Not cute. Red faced me is so not cute!”

            “I beg to differ,” Rupert said before I could comment. The glare he got for that remark had me roaring. Not even the, very mean,  punch could calm me down. This was too funny and what was more, it was so Xander. Innocent and devil rolled in one. Ah, I loved this man.

            “You two, cut it out!” he cried. “Not nice making fun of poor Xander.”

            “Poor Xander, eh?” I grinned. “Evil Xander, more like it.”

            “Like you don’t like me being evil,” he retorted. “Both of you.”

            All right, that shut me up. “What do you mean?” Rupert asked.

            “Like I don’t know about Ripper,” Xander snorted. “Chocolate bars, Giles?’ he asked in the sweetest sing song voice.

            To my utter surprise, and utter delight, Rupert blushed to his hair roots. “I would very much like to forget that particular incident,” he said snidely.

            But I didn’t. “Tell me.”

            “Well, there was that time when we had to sell chocolate bars for the High school band and Giles bought a couple and…”

            “Xander!!”

            “But it’s such a cute story!” Xander whined.

            “Devil,” I grinned at him, ruffling his hair. He growled, growled!, at me and ran his hand through my hair. “Oi!”

            “You’re just as bad as Angel about your hair.”

            The worst insult he could give me. I opened my mouth to retaliate, but my brain caught up just in time. ‘Set up!’ it warned me loud and clear. “Runs in the family,” I shrugged.

            “Damn,” was the muttered comment.

            I looked at Rupert who was smiling at us. At us, not just at Xander. It threw me completely. Xander turned away from me, staring at Rupert. “Your bickering has brought a bit of light in many dark times,” Rupert said gently. “That little piece of sanity that kept me from going mad. I sometimes replay entire arguments in my mind, finding myself smiling at the creativity.” He lay his hand against Xander’s face. “It makes me even more aware of how much I need you in my life.” Even though I couldn’t see Xander’s face, I knew those brown eyes were closing right now, as if shielding himself from the compliment.

            “Accept it, luv,” I said softly. Freeing my hand, I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head against his shoulder. “You’re needed.”

            There was a long moment of silence. “I know,” Xander finally said, his voice rough. “My mind is still rebelling against it, but deep inside I do know. I need you both, I love you both.” My eyes fell closed then. He had never said it before, never said he loved me. It was overwhelming and humbling. “Spike, I was wrong before. I was the one who stepped back and let you fight it out. My place has always been on the sideline, and I took that place again. I needed to be in a safe spot. Coward’s way out, but that’s me.” His voice had grown harder, bitter. Self loathing was etched in every word. I bit my lip in order to prevent my protests from coming out. He needed to unload, without intervention from either of us. Fortunately, Rupert had the same idea and kept quiet. “I hated what you did, the fighting, the way you constantly tried to humiliate each other. I’ve seen so much of that, I know what it does to the ones that are supposed to love you. It tears them apart. I was just about to tell you to forget it all, when Spike asked me to bring him here. One last chance, I told myself, one more time and when that backfires, it’s over. I didn’t expect what happened, didn’t expect the caring I felt. My undoing, and my surrender, was when Giles didn’t continue before he was absolutely sure that Spike felt safe.” Mine too, luv, mine too. “I’ve been in so many dark places in my life, sometimes despairing if I’d ever see the light again. Your love is a miracle, a godsend.”

            I heard everything he didn’t say, felt the suffering we caused him in every cell of my body. It hurt, but I let the pain come. I deserved it.

            “Xander, I never intended to cause you pain. I’ve been so blind. We were given this great gift, but we almost lost it because we refused to share. Spike was absolutely right; it proved nothing, only that we were complete idiots.”

            I didn’t even feel the urge to harass Rupert about giving me credit for opening his eyes. It opened mine too. I twisted Xander around a bit so he could face me. His smile when he looked at me was soft, tender. He loved me. The mere thought of that was enough to send a fresh wave of guilt through me. I battled it down, shoved it into a corner where it would have to wait until I had time to examine it. “I’m not a miracle, luv,” I told him. “I’m one of those creatures that made your life so dark. But I know one thing for certain; being with you, being loved by you is as close to heaven as I’ll ever come.”

            He swallowed hard, but his eyes never left mine. “I’ve seen the inside of hell long before you showed up, Spike. My tormentor is human.”

            “You won’t go back there.” Rupert’s voice was gentle, but determined. “Ever again.”

            “My stuff’s already at Buffy’s. She moved everything when I was in hospital.”

            Thank you Slayer. I made a mental note to thank her in person the next time I saw her. Anyone who wanted to protect Xander was all right, even if she was an annoying bitch. Glare at me all you want, Watcher, not impressed. She is a bitch.

            “Where you going to stay then?” I asked. Because there was no way I was going to shag him in the Slayer’s house. Then again…

            “Spike.”

            I glanced at Xander, as innocently as I could manage without laughing. “Yes, luv?”

            “Don’t even think about it.” He stroked my face with the back of his hand. “How are you feeling?”

            Overwhelmed, shattered and rebuilt again, happy beyond belief, and sore. Very sore. My left arm was trembling,  holding nearly all of Xander’s weight, my back hurt like someone put a knife in it, and my legs were so heavy they felt like lead. “Sore,” I admitted, “but I’ll live. Pun not intended.”

            He drew me to him, letting me rest against his chest. Heaven indeed. “How many bags?” he asked. Uh..what? “How many bags did you just drink?” he elaborated.

            “Two.”

            “Not enough. If you want to heal, you need more, much more.” Don’t I know it, luv. “Then why don’t you take more?” I really had to lay down some rules on that mind link. This was getting creepy.

            “Can’t, can I?” I replied, irritation creeping into my voice. “If I drink what I need, you lot start nagging about it.”

            A stretch of silence. “How much do you need, Spike?” Rupert’s voice, close by. I looked sideways and saw him crouching by the couch. His eyes were steely, demanding an honest answer. He was going to get it.

            “An average vampire drains one victim a night. We can survive with less, but 3 to 4 victims a week is necessary to stay healthy. Human victims. To stay in shape on animal blood we need four or five times that amount.” I kept my voice even, devoid from any emotion, sticking to the bare facts. The raging fury that burned within me I suppressed. The voice that said ‘they should have known’ I ignored. They should have, but I knew I was to blame as well. I never gave them any indication that I was starving most of the time.

            “Good Lord,” Rupert sighed.

            “I knew it.” Xander’s voice was strained, a touch of anger colouring it. “During the coma we fed you as best as we could, but my instinct told me it wasn’t enough.”

            I sat up a bit and looked at him. His eyes were narrowed, his mouth a thin line. Angry Xander. “You did all right, luv. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have woken up.” White lie, but what the hell. It would have taken me considerably longer to come out of that coma, that was for sure.

            “It’s going to change. From now on, you’ll feed properly.” Angry and determined. He sure was sexy like this.

            “And how are you going to do that?” I challenged. The question was half serious, the other half was designed to make him look like that a bit longer.

            “We’ll figure it out. For now, you are drinking at least two more bags.”

            The smell hit me a second before I saw Rupert handing me a mug. I hadn’t realised he’d gone. “Take this to begin with,” he said as I took the mug. “Drink it slowly, it’s potent.”

            I did as he said, realising after the first swallow why I had to take this slow. Potent? It was pure magic. It warmed my body from the inside out, a soothing force that relaxed my muscles and calmed my nerves. I closed my eyes while I drank, letting its power overtake me. “Willow,” I whispered, seeing her smiling face before me. The blood she gave just before the ritual. I hadn’t touched it then, too occupied with other things. Vaguely I heard Rupert talk to Xander, most likely telling him what he’d just given me. Far too soon, the mug was empty. I wanted more, but I knew I wasn’t going to get it. By now I could hardly move, my body so relaxed it felt like jello.

            “Let’s get you into a bed.” Xander’s  voice. Chuckling.

            “Don’t want to move,” I murmured.

            “You are going to even if I have to carry you.”

            That sounded like a good plan. A nice warm bed sounded even better. The combination of the two sounded fantastic. Fuck the fact that I was a Master Vampire and that I ought to be ashamed of being carried around. Right now I wanted to be carried upstairs by my boyfriend. Hmmm..that word had a nice ring to it, boyfriend. Never had one before. Wanted to keep this one.

            “Giles, what did Willow smoke before she gave blood?”

            That made me giggle. Vampires do not giggle. Scolding myself was funny, so I giggled again.

            “He does seem rather inebriated.”

            “Giles, the guy is as high as a kite!”

            Kites fly. On a string. I could fly without a string. Very high. Very stoned, too. ‘s Was nice. Oh, cool. And soft. Clouds, must be clouds. Nice and fluffy clouds. I could play with the clouds.

            “Spike, stop wriggling!” Funny word, wriggling. I tried it out on my tongue, wrriiigglliinnngg. “Think I should knock him out?” I didn’t say that. And knocking out was not nice. Bad. Bad man who wanted to knock me out. “Oh, for crying out loud, go to sleep!” Sleep I could do. Sleep was nice.

Previous    Next   

Home