Down the TOTP studios and James pays a secret visit to Seans house

The Manics were playing TOTP and Sean had just sorted out his camera angles (or whatever it is they make you do) and wandered outside for some air... He had a new drumkit (his fans always noticed these things you see, so it was important to keep changing them to keep them happy) No-one was about so he sat down on a bench. He would come to regret the moment he did that. Kathy Burke (it’s a story - we can) had also decided to get some “air” (go for a cig morelike) during a break from filming her latest series of Gimme Gimme in a nearby studio...

She wandered along, humming to herself, in full costume, and made her way over to the bench. It was, afterall, Kathy’s bench. The one she sat on every time they filmed Gimme Gimme.

Sean looked down at the graffiti: Kathy B was ere. That sounded familiar. Kathy was coming up behind him. Inside TOTP studios, James put down his guitar. “I’m going for some fresh air” he told Nicky. Nicky pulled an incredulous expression and threw him his cigs. “Lighter” said James. Nicky threw him the lighter. James was soon in the doorway and...

And... the cig fell out of his mouth. He turned round and ran back down to the dressing room. Nicky was fluffing up his hair. “My god, Nick, Sean and Kathy, since when?” Nicky wasn’t listening though. “It never goes right, it needs conditioning. Sean always says that, remember to use conditioner, especially before we go on TOTP, because you’ll suffer for it afterwards, Nick, you’ll rewind the video and go “Look at my hair”. And look at it - James?”

James needed a cig, as in needed. Not the fucking hair speech again. Every time he got in that dressing room... James went back up to the door and peeked out.

Sean felt about 5. “Ere, have you ever met Liam? He’s lovely is Liam. You in a band, then?” She put her hand on his knee. James was horrified. Maybe they’d just met, but the way Kathy was pawing at him. “I play drums in a band” answered Sean. “Is this your first time at Top Of The Pops, love, you look awfully pale”. James wasn’t sure what to do. If it was a fan, he could just go and rescue Sean, tell him to get inside. That usually worked. But this was Kathy Burke.

“I have been here before” said Sean “many times”. Kathy could see James. “Ere, someone’s watching us, might be the press, you never know do yer?” James went back to the dressing room. Nicky was applying eyeshadow. “Blue doesn’t go with my top, why did I bring blue?!” James sighed. “They only send you blue, Nick, because it suits you, and when they do send you other colours, you slag it off - how many times have we had this conversation?” Nicky replied “But I’m gonna look cheap and nasty, I was trying to go upmarket, maybe subtle shades of brown”.

James walked out again. He couldn’t resist it, he had to go out there and confront them. Not without a drink first, so he ran up to the bar.

Kathy pointed at her name on the bench. “I thought Liam might see it, write his name under mine, every day I come and have a look. Security kept me back last time they was ere, but I got a picture, look”. She took it out of her bag, what was left of it, and gave it to Sean. “Isn’t he lovely? What’s your band called again?” Sean told her. “Ere, you toured with Oasis!” Sean agreed they had. Very bad idea.

James knocked back 3 whiskies. And headed back outside. Kathy was in full flow. “So, we’re in the dressing room - am I remembering right? - And Liam walks in, and looks at us. How did he look again?” Sean told her. “Right, so he’s a bit cross, row with Noel, yeah? And what was it he said to us?”

James was confused. Kathy was recalling something he had no knowledge of. And yet Sean seemed to know all about it, and Kathy had been there too? James strode up and took a deep breath.

“Sean, we need you inside now, I think you’d better come with me, NOW”. Sean was so embarrassed. James could not do this to him. Oh no, James was not doing this. Sean turned to Kathy. “And what did Liam say next?” Kathy thought. “We’re going back to the hotel, that Noel, he’s a right bastard”. Sean nodded. Kathy continued “and what was the next bit?” Sean repeated “went back to our room, watched the sport channel and then” James interrupted. “I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t think I want to, infact, I don’t believe this, I thought he just fancied you, well... I thought he was taking the piss”.

“Who? Liam?” asked Kathy “Liam fancies me? Liam told you?” James looked at her like she was daft (which she was, admittedly) “No, not Liam, Sean” retorted James. “What, him?” said Kathy, pointing in his general direction. Sean could not believe it. “Aw, he fancies me? Isn’t that sweet!” she said, squeezing his knee. James removed her hand. At that, Kathy got up. “Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but will you please go away and leave us alone. This is a private conversation, you know”.

“You could be more discreet about it!” shouted James “the press could be anywhere, you know that”. “What’s he on about?” said Kathy. Sean interjected “we were talking about when we met Oasis, that’s all”. James rolled his eyes. “I know I was drunk, but I wasn’t that drunk I don’t remember who was there... come to think of it, I don’t remember much”. So all this time Sean and Kathy. Kathy turned to Sean “so, we watched sport and then?” Sean continued “that was it, Noel and Liam fell out, and we went to bed”.
James went to find Nicky (as this was far too much for him to deal with on his own) Nicky was admiring himself in the mirror. “Debbie Harry, eat your heart out” he said. “God, I’m lovely”.

“Nick, there’s something you should know. Sean - our Sean - has, well, it seems - Kathy Burke - she um...” Nicky turned to face James. James stared at him. Oh not again. Why did he have to put all that makeup on? “Go on, James, tell me how lovely I am”. “Nick, someone might come in”. Nicky smiled. “What’s the matter, James, you must admit I make a good girl”.

James looked Nicky up and down. He had on his shortest skirt, long white socks, his favourite leopard print blouse, and the makeup... James was confused. “Nick, I’m not being funny but, don’t you think this is getting out of hand?” Nicky looked in the mirror. “This is me, James”. James saw the sadness in his eyes. “I know” he said “and you’re beautiful, Nick”. At that moment a member of a rival welsh band walked past, and heard every word... and would later repeat it when the subject of their inter-band rivalry was brought up in a music paper interview.

Suddenly, Nicky sensed Sean was missing. “Go tell Sean I’m ready, get him to take a polaroid”. James went outside. No Sean, no Kathy. He sat on the bench, looking down he noticed the graffiti. And smiled to himself. It said... Kathy B and under it Sean had written his name.

Sean wandered up. “I went to get some more polaroid film - Kathy said she’d have another cig and then she was going back to the studio”. James opened his mouth to speak but Sean hadn’t finished. “Next time we’re here, she said to look out for her, but I told her it won’t be for a while, ‘cos we’re making our new album. She wanted to know everything about Oasis”. Suddenly it dawned on James what they’d been going on about.

“I think I got the wrong end of the stick” said James. “Seen what you wrote”. Sean was puzzled “What do you mean?” James pointed at the graffiti. “I didn’t write that! Kathy must have!” And James shook his head. “Oh, Nick says will you take a polaroid”. “Right, polaroid” said Sean, with a faraway expression in his eyes... “This is just between me and you, right” he continued “Nicky would have a field day if he knew about this, it would be all over the Melody Maker next time he spoke to them and I hate it when he does that. Why do you think I won’t let him in my house?” James had always wondered that.

“Why won’t you let us in your house, it’s not like you’ve got anything to hide, is it?” Sean, as usual, didn’t reply. “Well I could visit, couldn’t I? Nicky wouldn’t have to know”. Sean shook his head. “Nicky would get it out of you somehow”. Ever since the attic extension James had been slyly trying to find out what he had up there. As they had a quiet moment together, he decided to try again. “So have you seen any new stars recently?” Sean replied “only Kathy”. “No, I meant through your telescope”. Sean thought for a while. “The sky’s been too cloudy when I’ve tried to find anything”. James continued “I suppose the attic’s a good place for it”. Sean didn’t answer. “For the telescope” said James. “It might be” said Sean. James knew it was futile and was just about to give up when Sean let something slip... “oh damn, I left my polaroid camera up there last night”. James was onto something. But he played it cool. “Nicky will be so annoyed, you knew he’d want his photo taking today”.

This was the closest he’d ever been to getting something out of Sean. “The house is such a tip at the moment” said Sean “I haven’t had time to sort anything out because we’ve been so busy”. “You should get a cleaner then” said James. “I don’t want a cleaner!” replied Sean. “I don’t want them nosying through all my stuff”. And with that, Sean went off to buy a new camera leaving James none the wiser but even more determined to find out exactly what Sean was hiding...

JAMES (Bond?) PAYS A SECRET VISIT TO SEAN’S HOUSE...

A short while later... James’ curiosity finally got the better of him and he did something he had told himself he’d never do. He got the train to Bristol and arrived in the general area of Sean’s house with the idea of finding out once and for all what Sean was hiding. He didn’t even have the address, only the fax number, which Sean had instructed him never to use. He knew what day (and where) Sean went shopping, so he went down there and waited for him to arrive.

Sure enough, he did, and came out not long after and got into a taxi. James also got into a taxi and instructed the driver to “follow that cab but stay back so they can’t see us”. Finally Sean’s taxi turned off into a housing estate and James leapt out of his taxi and ran up the road, trying to keep out of sight. But at least NOW he’d found out where Sean lived...

He would come back later tonight as Sean had told him they wouldn’t be in for a few days. So after a day wandering round Bristol all by himself, trying not to be recognised, James returned just as dark fell and sneaked round the back of Sean’s houses. There didn’t seem to be anyone at home. All the lights were turned off. James climbed over the back fence, realising he wasn’t as young as he used to be. He couldn’t see a thing.

He felt such a fool and realised he didn’t have a clue what to do next. But he’d brought a torch and shone it infront of him, until he reached the glass patio doors... and stared through. It was just like he always imagined it to be. He could see an absolutely massive television that took up nearly all one wall. “It’s nicer than my flat” he thought to himself. Then there was next door. James went to look through that window but it was covered with a curtain. James knew if he was ever found out, Sean would never forgive him. But he had to get inside. So he did something he should never have done. He went down to the local phone box and dialled a locksmith, convincing them he’d locked himself out of the house.

Then James went and stood at the bottom of the road, waiting for them to arrive. When they did he stopped the car and got in. Sean had a lot of locks on the door so the locksmith suggested trying to get in round the back. “Oh, you’ve got an alarm!” he suddenly announced, pointing his torch at it. James stared at it in horror. “Do you know how to disarm it?!” The locksmith went and got his ladder, disabled the alarm and then opened the door. James couldn’t believe how easy it had been - he could be anyone, after all. So he paid the man the extortionate price he was asking to be called out so late at night and he was finally in Sean’s house.

Closing the door behind him and pulling the curtain across he sat down and stared around the room. There was nothing out of the ordinary. But he still hadn’t looked around. And the one place he wanted to look was the attic. If Sean ever found out, he would never speak to him again... and the band would be over. All this raced through James’ mind as he ran up the stairs. There it was... the ladder leading up into the attic. James had never been so nervous in his entire life.

So he climbed up the ladder and pulled himself up into the attic, standing up and shining his torch around the room looking for the light switch. Finally he found a lamp and switched it on. It looked like any other attic... full of boxes. So he’d come all this way - for this? “The other house!” he thought, staring over at the adjoining wall and noticing a curtain... behind which he found a door.

Suddenly a phone rang from somewhere in the house and James jumped out of his skin. Maybe he should just leave now, before he was discovered. He shouldn’t be here, Sean would never forgive him. But he had to know what was behind that door. He did think it was very strange how Sean wouldn’t let anyone visit. He definitely had something to hide. James tried the door and it opened. He had never been so scared before.

As soon as he got in there, he noticed the computer screen in the corner and made his way over to it. It was switched on with the screensaver dancing across the screen. James tapped the keyboard and the screensaver disappeared. James had found Sean’s home computer... and he couldn’t resist looking at his files. Sure enough there was the aforementioned polaroid camera, with a set of pictures placed face down on the nearby scanner.

So James, with his limited computer knowledge learned messing about on Sean’s Laptop, scanned the contents of the hard drive and found a file titled “music press”. James just had to doubleclick on it, there was no going back now. A list of icons appeared... what was this? James clicked on the first document and waited with baited breath.

Oh my god! thought James. It was a very bitchy reposte to a music paper going back quite a few years, obviously answering a letter someone had written in slagging off the Manics. James clicked on another icon and another. And as each one opened, and he scanned through them, he realised that Sean had been secretly writing to the music press for years, under various pseudonyms. James recognised all the letters. Letters they had discussed when they read the music papers together.

James had finally discovered Sean’s secret. Sean hardly ever gave interviews, and yet all this time he’d been secretly having his say. James clicked on the final icon. A letter that was printed only last week “via e-mail”. James was impressed. And yet he knew he could never tell anyone. Least of all Nicky.

All this time, he thought Sean was doing something seriously dodgy up here - like black magic or something. He needn’t have worried after all. Then, he saw a file entitled “James”. What? Why did Sean have a file on him? This was all getting too scary. Far, far too scary. James guided the mouse pointer over the icon and hesitated. Should he look at it?

Suddenly James heard voices and a car door slam outside. It couldn’t be Sean. It couldn’t be. Oh my god Sean had come back. James left the computer as he’d found it and ran back through the door, down the ladder, down the stairs and out through the patio door, closing it behind him. He just about made it over the fence. Sean was still unlocking the door... as soon as the coast was clear, James disappeared out of sight.

The next day Sean went up in the attic to put more boxes up there and noticed the door adjoining the other attic was slightly open. Strange, he thought. Nothing looked out of place. Meanwhile James was back in London scanning that week’s letters pages, looking for anything that sounded remotely like Sean had written it. Next time they were all together, Nicky was ranting about the latest debate and who’d said what. James noticed that Sean said nothing but listened intently...

Shortly after, Sean took a pile of music papers into the attic and scanned in all the complimentary letters people had written about his band... saving them in the folder marked “music press”. It was just something he liked to do. And any letters about James had their own special folder... Unfortunately James had gone away with the totally wrong idea of what Sean was up to. James, convinced he had solved “Sean’s secret” could rest easy and would never ask Sean what he had in the attic again. But the thing is, JAMES HADN’T BEEN INSIDE THE OTHER HOUSE, HAD HE... if this was a film there’d be eerie music... And now you’re still none the wiser, but it was only a story, remember. It had you on the edge of your seat though didn’t it!!