Chapter 5
the players:
Fred (My Skateboard)
I've known Fred for a few years now. I met him at a consignment shop, and for five bucks, I took him home. Fred looked naked because he had no wheels, so for the time being I put him on my shelf with his grip tape facing outward. Then one day I happened to ascertain a pair of trucks at a local garage sale. They were white, with oldschool BONES wheels. I promtly whipped out two dollars to give to the grungy old man, who watched me drool over the trucks. So to make a terribly put together story short, Fred got his wheels and trucks. Me and Fred have been through a lot. Sometimes Fred gets mad at me for leaving him outside, so when I use him, he often will smack me in the gonads. Fred is getting old, I'm afraid very soon I may have to part with Fred. Until then, we're going to make the best of our time with each other. (in the most non-perverted way possible)
Br>
This is how I spent my time, orchestrating my philosophies. The clunking of the sidewalk cracks sound over and over again. The perpetuating noise soon becomes a lullaby, that sends me into a daydream state. There I find myself discovering everything I've never known. All the thoughts I thought I thunk, were misconcieved messages from my self conscience. I think about how someday I shall die, and probably alone. I think to myself how it would be rightfully so. If you shut everyone out of you life/mind, they will move on and forget about you. I realize that being forgotten is a much worse fate than dying alone. If you are disremembered, you may as well not exist, for your existence has become meaningless.
This alone time I spend with myself, is usually when I am skateboarding around the block. I wave to people I don't know, and smile at the people who talk behind me back as I pass. There is no need for a whitty come-back, we will see who is laughing when their house burns down.
I'm not saying I will be charged with arson in the near future. I believe in Karma of some sort. I believe all of the people who mock what they do not understand, will face misfortune in their near future.
As I skate up and down the streets, I notice one thing that everyone has in common. We are all looking for something. We all seem to be looking in different places and we never seem to find anything.
I think we have already found what we are looking for. I think we have been searching for the search. All of our lives, we search for something, we don't know what, but we still try to find it. I believe we search just for the sake of searching. Otherwise, what would there be to do? I believe in God and christianity, yet I still search. I'm not looking for some epiphany, that will make my life complete. I think I'm looking for the answers to myself, or at least I think so. Maybe I too, have fallen into the trap of searching, just for the sake of searching.
As I skate uphill, the lyrics to a Ramones song play over and over in my brain.
"...guess i gotta break the news,
that I've got no mind to lose..."
I guess in my case, these lyrics have become a motto, a way of life, one could say. A lot of people think I'm *crazy*, but I didn't just lose my sanity one day. I was born without it. Maybe that is why certain things don't bother me. Maybe sanity is an anchor on our lives. I think we humans try to be too sensible. We've become so sensible it's irrational. I ponder these things as I continue down the street.
I look around to see houses with broken windows and rusty doors. Dogs bark from behind bent fences. Passing some houses, you can hear the couples fighting in their homes about stupid things. I wonder if they ever considered that their significant other could die tonight, and the last thing they would have said to them was, "Why they hell did you buy that f*cking kool-aid? What did I tell you about our money situation? You are throwing our money away on sugar water. I'm surprised I haven't killed you yet." People make me upset sometimes. I press on heading to the very end of my neighborhood. I pass a golden retriever who is barking ferociously at me. There was a hole in the fence and I walked swifly past, hoping the dog would not come out. The dog barked at me until I was in front of the hole, it then retreated and continued barking when I was further away. Suddenly, I heard the sound of nails scratching asphalt. I turned to see the dog charging at me, with hunger in his eyes. I quickly dashed with my skatboard in hand. The dog was inches from the back of my knees. I often wished I was dead, but when my life is actually threatened, I PANIC LIKE A MOFO. So I darted to Heathers house and knocked on her door. I then realized, I had outrun the dog and I was wrapping on Heather's door for no reason. She came to answer, and I was sweating. I think she could hear my heart beating like a funky bass-line from the seventy's. She asked what was wrong, and I could barely put together a sentence. This is why people think I'm crazy.
I went home, shaken up and a bit disappointed that almost getting eaten by a dog had made me scared. On my journy to my "crib", as my homies say, I was thinking about the book and why I really started writing it. I think it was originally going to be my vent for frustration and depression, but who wants to read that crap. So instead of writing how life sucks and how sad I am, I show you what my life is like. This way you can feel what I feel by reading what i experience daily. I think My main goal in writing this book is to expel the fact that I do feel alone. Not just sometimes, but all of the time, I am alone In my ideas and my inner thoughts. I hope in writing this, someone who is like me, will read this and realize that they are not alone. I guess that's because that's what I was waiting for. So this book is dedicated to those of you who have ever felt like me, at one point or another.
I believe we can unite the world with loneliness. Loneliness is felt be every human at one point or another. So, if you ever hate someone, just remember you have a lot more in common, than you want to believe. If we just said, "hi" to someone we didn't know, we'd be a lot better off than we are right now.
When I arrived at my home, I realized I had't watched my video that I taped in school. I pluged my camera into my VCR and flopped on my couch, knowing this was going to be hilarious.
A blue screen was shortly escorted by a clip of myself, kicking some kid with grren hair in the the nut sack. Ah, the joy of being intimidating. I kicked him in his manhood and he walked away with his tail between his legs...ha...a pun! The next clip was of this kid in my drivers education class. He is of the shaded persuasion,(black.) He was beat-boxing like a crazy fool. He did the, backbeat for some Eminem song. He told me to come to lunch with him and his posse. I agreed and went alone. I met his friends Daewoo, "Warrior", "Stick fingers", G, Natasha,and others. They are some crazy kids. The dubbed me white chocolate and invited me to "chill" at, what they called the "minority table", anytime I wanted. I tried to make a joke saying, I was a minority at the minority table. They laughed and said something in ebonics. I do not know of what they spoke. They said, "Word is bond." I thought I was going to pee my pants. Then I saw a clip of the video with me in it. I was sitting at the minority table. There I was , a skinny white kid with a mohwak and tight pants, sitting at a table full of homies, and I liked it. One could say, "I stuck out like a caucasian in a negro stack." I had a lot of fun that lunch period and those kids were definately awesome. This is my life, no bars held, and no limitations.
