Chapter 10
Ahhh, yes. Nothing is better in life than a moment like this. I just finished watching my favorite movie, Young Frankenstein. Now I am sitting and feeling like a champion. You know you are a champion when you have your pants on backwards, sipping purple grape juice, dipping Oreos in milk, not wearing deodorant, and writing a book about your daily life. Not only that, but the grape juice is in my favorite glass. I call it my "Goblet Of Justice". It has diamond shaped studs in the sides. It is my glass and no one else is allowed to use it. Not only that, but the oreos are stale and the milk is almost sour. I smile as I make a yummy sound. After conquering the task of peeing with my pants on backwards, I decided to sit back and remember some of the past events that have happened just recently. Won't you join me in my quest through my mind's storage vault of memories?
8:00 P.M. is the usual time I decide to pick up my telephone. I usually flip it into the air and try to catch it with my face. Usually after failing several times at the task of catching the phone, I decide to give my good friend Leah a ring on the telephone. We usually spend and hour or so speaking of nonsense. So I dialed up her number. Ring, Ring, Ring, "Hello?" "Hi this is Richie. Is Leah there?" "No she is not," the voice on the other side of the phone said, "may I take a message?" "Yes. Tell her I want to kill her, or she should kill herself. Either one is good." A laugh came from both sides of the telephone. Leah usually answers and pretends it is not her. One day I am going to mistake her mom for one of her jokes and tell her mom to kill herself. That would be catastrophic. She told me about how long her and her boyfriend were going out, almost two years. That is amazing! I would have killed myself by then. She also told me how she broke her computer and her phone line and how she was home alone. I told her it sounded like someone was trying to kill her. I said she didn't break the computer or the phone line. I told her I believed someone had cut the lines. I am a terrible person. She got scared, which reminded her of a dream. She decided to tell me about it. We talked of bad dreams and such.
I always wondered about dreams. Leah informed me that the average dream lasts for two minutes. Which means you have a lot of dreams over the course of the night. I can usually only recall one or two if I'm lucky. I am puzzled by what was in the other dreams. Why do I not remember them? Were they too disturbing and my mind blocked them out? I hope I do not remember them because they are too boring because I'd feel like I was missing out on something otherwise.
Leah had to go. She finished the phone conversation with a funny remark. I chuckled and made a snide comment. Leah is a bold kid. We hung up and I fell asleep on my basement floor.
Speaking of evil devil flies, I saw one in my basement the other day. I decided to spare his life. What did he give me in return? He was a she. She gave birth to an onslaught of demonic devil flies. They will kamikazie dive right into your eye. Nothing kills them either. I have sprayed them with various aerosol products and nothing will keep them down. Anyway, one managed to find it's way into my shower. I was not going to take his crap while I showered. (and yes every now and again I shower) So, I sucked some water into my mouth, aimed and fired. The hydro bullet from my mouth pounded against the devil fly, he crashed into the water below and drowned. That solved that problem.
So, speaking of going miniature golfing, I recall doing that recently too. The phone rang while I was skanking and swimming to the swinging sounds of B.U.C.K. I answered to hear a familiar voice. It sounded somewhat like a munchkin. It could onlt be one person, Sio. She said her and Lauren were going mini-golfing and she ordered me to go. So blah blah blah, we went golfing. I was just amazed by the fact that we were doing something out of the ordinary. Usually hanging with Lauren and Sio means going to the mall or getting food. I dunked my head in the artificial running mini golf water, refreshing. Then, I saw a black golf ball shoot across the 6th or 7th hole and hit a small child. I knew Sio had a black ball so I turned to tell her of the terrible thing she had done. She had done something even more haneous. It seemed while I was not looking, Sio nailed Lauren in the face on her backswing. Beneath her eye, had become swollen and red. It looked like she got suckerpunched. Sio went to get her ice and I pocketed my golf ball. On the last hole they always trick you. The last hole is actually a bottomless pit that eats your ball. I was not going to lose this one. I did not pay six dollars for a token to get a ball to lose it. We went home after that. i returned to my recently opressing establishment I call "home".
I burst through the door holding my golf ball with pride. My mom and Jim were sitting and waiting for me. Jim said, "You took their ball?" He said it as if I had burned an entire village and raped all of its woman. I decided to tell the story of Lauren's face. Jim did not care, all he cared about was my stolen ball. I ignored him as he continued to interject. Had he become so calloused that he did not care? How dare he accuse me of stealing the ball, even though I did. I could have accidentally put it in my pocket while rushing over to my hurt friend. He did not know. He went to his room and pouted. I went to sleep. Ahh, the wonders of my life.
But wait, the chapter is not done yet. Yes I mentioned the ever popular "this is my life" ending, but it is not done yet. No. No.
So, yeah. Onward with my life. I went to the Rag Shop with my mom, because I am grounded (refer to next paragraph). I wandered around a bit to discover one thing, I was the only guy there. Let me tell you something, single guys should take my advice. A few trips to the Rag Shop will do you good, especially if you are artistic and know about arts and crafts. The womyn will see you as the last man on the face of the earth. They will swarm all over you, trying to make offspring to repopulate the world. They will pull each others hair and hit each other with sewing needles, just to check you out. Ok, so not really but it kept your attention for a bit.
I'm grounded, (see paragraph above to see a reference to this one). "Why?", someone may be asking. Well, it involves a one armed man and a missing saw. I don't feel like writing anymore, so to make it simple here it goes. A long time ago I used Jim's saw. I lost it and he got mad. Now I am grounded. This is my life, living with the cranky one armed man.
