Woww

Reading what I wrote about Houston, I knew NOTHING about love. I loved Houston? Yeah right, I love Stephen, wholly and truly and completely helplessly. By now we've been together for 2 1/2 years. It was real, but now I need help. A lot of stuff happened in the past few months and our relationship is in trouble.

 I guess I should start from the beginning. May 23rd 2006 was before we got together. By then we'd only been talking for about a month, but we've been aware of each other's prescene (for me, a whole lot more vaguely than he was aware of me) for about 4 months. We joined the badminton team and we both made it. As soon as he saw me smile he fell in love with me. I tried talking to him a little bit before season started just to be friendly (I was much more outgoing then) but he was so shy he came off as unfriendly to me so I just left him alone. I thought that he didn't like me (I was so wrong) so I didn't talk to him the rest of the season while he watched me from afar. When I talked about going to prom that year with Phil he was hurt. I didn't notice at all that he liked me. He didn't even know my name the whole time, I was just the girl with glasses on the badminton team.

 

How could I have missed the signs? I didn't know what to look for. I'd never seen his eyes without love until recently, so I didn't know it was there when we first began. I never knew how much he loved me whenever he called me every morning to wake me up. 

Now Playing: The Epochs' Opposite Sides
GOD I LOVE THIS SONG.

Oh ho ho! I think I've found another boy, and I didn't even try!

As far as I know.

Stephen, he just appeared in my dreams again and again by himself, and whoa, we get on fast. Aaaand I think he really actually likes me, and I think I might like him, because I didn't even TRY to have those dreams, and I think they're nice.

Unfortunately, I'm still crazy in love with Houston. Sometimes I still have nice dreams. Like last night, we were the best of friends, and I got to sit in his lap. It was nice, and he took care of me, I guess.

But Stephen, I think he's real. For reals.

OH GOD. WHAT IF THIS ISN'T REAL. I think I'd be heartbroken.

Now Playing: Dashboard Confessional's Vindicated
Resolved to get over a boy.
Need to get over a boy boy boy.

He's not worth it. Michael says so, Alexina says so, and now I think so, because he's justa regular guy, more rebellious, stoner, flirty, not worth it. Just friends, that's all I want. I think that was all I ever wanted.

Get over that boy boy boy boy boy.

Need to find a new one? Easiest way, but I don't want to find one fast, and make it petty. I want it real.

My first thought when I saw Liam Powers was "Oh geez he's beautiful", but a million girls like him already, I'm sure, so.

Now Playing: The Strokes & Regina Spektor's Modern Girls & Old Fashioned Men
I love everything about Houston
Except how he smokes pot whenever he can
So now I don't know if I've fallen in love with the real Houston
Or the stoned one.

Help?

Now Playing: SNMNMNM's The Ski Team!
I wish I knew things. Like

how to do a cartwheel, back-walk-over, a bunch of gymnastics
how to be beautiful
how to be hot
how to cook
what Houston thinks of me
what my mom thinks of me
what everyone thinks of me
how to write effectively
how to clean efficiently
how to hold a conversation
how to lie
how to draw
if planting trees will save the Earth
if I should serve myself before I serve others
if survival instincts are selfish
why I can't see how other people see me
why love is so wonderful
how love works
if I should mind that he's a stoner more than I do now (and I don't much)
why I can't fly
how to get fit faster
how to tell if I got any more fit
how
why
what
if


Oh wow, I have like, four different diary things. This, an actual diary, my Xanga, and those e-mails. Oh wow.

Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: The Epochs' Opposite Sides
Houston was absent from school today.
What a loserrrr. <3
Knowing him, he probably forgot to go to school today because of the time change, or he's already on Spring Break.

Ahaha.

I wanna be his partner in English, but he'll probably have like, Brayden or something. I wonder if Shana will ditch me for Katrina on Wednesday.

PS It's Shananigans's birthday! Whoo hoo!

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Train's Drops of Jupiter
I feel lonely for some reason. I don't know why. I just can't wait until tomorrow so I can go back to school, I guess.

I miss Houston.

Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Iron and Wine's Fever Dream
Let's go to the mooooooooooon, love, and the solar flares will be our sea as you wander in the thoughts I wish I could hear and I'll be the photographer when your bright eyes shine with space light and I make you laugh just to see your happy face when you grin and smile at me. You make my heart flutter. Let's go to the park, love, and we'll run with your dog until we tire then we'll sleep and we'll breathe and we'll beat our hearts alike. The sun will be our clock and when it hits five we'll wake up and get smoothies, but I wish I could have made it for you, but I can't because I can't cook. I want to take care of you and make your dinners as you come in through the door after a rough day and I'll make you feel better even though my day was rougher, because I adore you. You're way amazing. I wish you could see. Maybe you do, because you have an ego as big as my heart. At least you know you can do it. Let's go to the starsssss, love, so that starlight, star bright can light up your face tonight and your fair skin will glow and even though that sounds like it's for girls, I'll think you're beautiful. You are. Boys can be beautiful too. You prove it. Then you'll complain you can't tan and you can't, you freckle, but freckles are so cute and you're covered in them and I cherish you and your freckles. I freckle too. Haha. We could do that fake tan, if you'd like, and you'll look great and I'll just use the sun and get ugly but you love me, right? Let's go to the villageeee, love, where you can get that coffee you like so much, and I can get the stuff for dinner tonight. It'll be that Italian dish you like. You can pick out your favorite noodles and pasta shapes and maybe we'll embrace our youth and make faces witht htem. You ahve really pretty eyes. I wish I had your pretty brown eyes. Brighty eyes, bright eyes, bright eyes...



It's so sad, when I wrote that, I didn't know him that well, and all I could go off of was how he looked. I wonder if I can do the same thing now, but to go down deeper than just his super pretty eyes.

But yeah. I think I truly love him. He is so nice, and he's playful, and he's so different. He's independent, he's OH GOD not ready, is he? But he's so cute. I really want to take care of him. That'd be fun. I want to kiss his cheek and the corners of his lips. Not actually kiss his lips because lips are really gross, but he's just so adorable. Hee hee hee.


OH GOD.
Look at what I'm turning into.

Ahaa
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Maria Taylor's Speak Easy
I'm so not giving him up.

He asked for my number and gave me his. He's called me like five times. I think he likes me, I really think he does. And I think he's going to change. He said his brother was doing stupid things while he's in the high classes.

He's an amazing boy.

I'm so glad I hung on.

What did I do, really? I don't understand.

I'm just glad I did it.

P.S. As a matter of fact, he called me today. <3

Ah...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Coldplay's The Scientist
I’m giving him up.

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, and that this must be so sudden, but I’m giving him up. I told Michael, who’s been friends with him for three years or something and he just doesn’t recommend it. I’m just not his type, and he’s probably not mine. We’re so different. He does drugs and alcohol, and he likes popular people in low-cut shirts, and that’s just not me. The depressing thing is, I can totally see that in him. I suppose I always have. He’s not worth it. I still care about him, but now I see the only way to helping him is being nothing more than a friend. I still think he’s an amazing person, but it’s depressing the way he just kinda throws that aside and does the terrible things he does. He’s still really nice, but it just won’t work out. So I’m giving it up. I’m calling it off, it’s going to be over.

Besides, I’m afraid I’m going to fall in love with his friend, David, my MUN partner, someone who I truly like, and seems to be perfect. The thing is, he’s Asian, and I just wanted to have half-Asian babies, but it doesn’t matter underneath it all. I just wanted to be different, but I like David. Not that way yet, but I like him nonetheless. This one might be real. I hope it will turn out that way. I hope I don’t seem like a stereotypical teenager, one who “falls in love” over and over again, and who goes through relationships like tissue. It’s so unfortunate. I’m like, pushing away things just to be different. How terrible am I? Geez, let it be. Seriously.

I hope this is real, and isn’t just some reality I’d like to believe in.

This is going to be long and hard and painful.