Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Which condom would you use....

Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.' Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!' Chevron: use them? people do. Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border MCI: for friends and family Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are United Airlines travel pack: Fly United The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef? Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right! Maxwell House: Good to the last drop! McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities Burger King: Have it your way Dairy Queen: We treat you right AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

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Ooh that butt so flabberous And you know a pair of jeans can't handle it So you squeezin that thang like it'll fit With a look in yer eyes so devilish Uh (K mart's having a jean sale today)

You like to dance on the kitchen floor And you cruise to buffets to eat all the food Not just pork chops he ate the plate 'Cause he was Livin' La Vida Gorda

He has hips like a truck truck truck Thighs like beef beef beef Nick don't move ur butt blub butt I'm gonna sing it again

He has hips like a truck truck truck Thighs like beef beef beef All year long Do not wear that thong~

I hate it when ur but goes Bluh blunk bluh jiggle o~ Nick don't make ur booty shake Jig jig a lo~ Ugly I know u wanna show Jiggly puff puff That ug ly thong thong thong

I hate it when ur butt goes Jiggle jiggle jiggle Hag I know u wanna show jiggly jig jig That ug ly thong thong thong

That guy so jiggle-y And I know a pair of jeans can't handle it And he squeezin' that thang like it'll fit With a look in his eyes so devilish

She like to dance on the kitchen floor And he cruise to buffets to eat all the food Not just pork chops he ate the plate Cause he was Livin' La Vida Gorda

He has hips like a truck truck truck Thighs like beef beef beef Nick don't move ur butt please please I think I'm not gonna sing it again~~

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg.. Back off Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen? How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute? Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. "Bad Cop! No Donut!" I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV? Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket So, uh, you "on the take", or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? Hey, you look like that girl I fucked a few days ago... Aren't you one of the Village People? Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

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Last updated February, 3, 2002