FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine Issue 34 Vol 4 # 4 April 2003 FreEzine is a free email magazine/newsletter containing articles of interest from a Christian perspective and is published no less than monthly. FreEzine is NOT Spam and is only sent to people who request it. If you ever want to stop (or start) receiving FreEzine you'll find instructions at the end of this newsletter. A special "hello" to all of our new subscribers. We welcome and appreciate feedback on how we can improve this e-zine for you. IF YOU FIND THIS NEWSLETTER USEFUL... ... PLEASE FORWARD IT TO FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES! IN THIS ISSUE: Editorial: A New Commandment Natural Remedies: Catarrh What's On? Seminars & Workshops Article: The Armour of Christian Warfare Havagiggle: Thinking - Not To Be Taken Seriously The Extensive Exposition: Early Work of the Apostle Paul Watch This Space The Funny Bone: The Ailing Horse Split Second Wisdom: What Makes us Wise Cooks Corner: Pecan Biscuits Sermon Snippet: Bloopers from Bible Students Theologically speaking: The Baptism of the Spirit For the Children: What is a Friend Take a Hint: Exam Stress Slips that go Pass in the Type: A Great Day? Freebies: Home Inventory Manager From My Case Files: Oops! Letters to the Editor The Back Page: 'Complicated' Subscription & Other Information And, in closing: Cowisms FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine Editorial: A New Commandment The Apostle John in 1 John 2:7 says, 'Brethren, I write no new commandment unto you, but an old commandment which ye had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word which ye have heard from the beginning.', yet in verse 8 he says, 'Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.' In 2 John 1:5 he says, 'And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another.' Is John saying that there is no new commandment for our times? Or is he saying that there is? I believe that the answer to this is found in the words of Jesus, who said that He did give us a new commandment (John 13:34), yet this commandment is different in only one respect. Note that John said of both the old and new commandments that they are both that we 'love one another'. We don't even have to go back to the Old Testament to find what the old commandment was, Jesus told us plainly (Matthew 22:35-40) and later asked a lawyer that very question just before He told the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:26-28 - [Jesus] said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he [the lawyer] answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And [Jesus] he said unto him [the lawyer], Thou hast answered right.). So the gist of the old commandment was to love God and to love our neighbour. So what is different about the new commandment? Just this: The old commandment required that we love our neighbour AS OURSELVES (frankly, many of us don't love ourselves, our bodies or our spiritual selves - Jenny Craig Courses and the alarming suicide rate in this country proves that). The new commandment (Jesus, himself, said) is for us to 'love one another; AS I [Jesus] HAVE LOVED YOU ((John 13:34)! Now, the way that Jesus loves us is vastly different from the way we love ourselves. And therein lies the difference between the two commandments. How has Jesus shown that He loves you? May God grant that I (we) may love like that! --Editor. Natural Remedies Exploring some of nature's hygiene helpers and ways to fix basic ills, chills, aches and pains. Common sense is paramount - some of these hints are health related, and if you have a medical condition such high blood pressure, are taking prescription medication or are in any way unsure whether you should follow the self-help suggestion/s provided, consult a doctor or natural therapist. This month: Catarrh (inflammation of the mucous membrane of the nose or air passages, etc.) Make a decongestant by adding a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar to a glass of warm water and sipping frequently. -- Pamela Allardice, Natural therapist What's On? Seminars & Workshops: Visit or . For free lifestyle seminars in your area, locally, nationally & internationally, visit . Article: The Armour of Christian Warfare Whether you realise it or not, you are a part of a deadly war between light and darkness. You cannot afford to be ignorant and you cannot be neutral. If you try to be neutral you're going to find yourself in the most dangerous place of all. Ephesians 6:10-17 is not just a call to arms, but also a declaration of victory. If you are going to gain this victory, you must be armed and you must put on "the whole armour" not just the pieces that are the most comfortable. (=) The Girdle of Truth - The Believer's Integrity A soldier in Paul's day had a leather girdle that he tightened about his waist to protect his loins and carry his weapons of warfare, such as a dagger or sword. The belt also held his tunic together so it wouldn't be snagged. In Christian armour, it is integrity that holds everything else together. If you do not have integrity in the big and small things of your life, you are going to lose the battle. Without truth everything falls apart. Satan will come against you with lies and bring a lack of integrity into your life. Jesus is the Truth and will strengthen you with His integrity. Would people say that you are a woman or man of integrity? If not, then you cannot win the battle. ({O}) The Breastplate of Righteousness - The Believer's Purity The breastplate of a soldier was sometimes made of woven chain. Whatever the material, the purpose was the same - to cover the soldier's vital organs. For the Christian, the breastplate is righteousness. The enemy wants to attack you not only with lies, but also with impurity. He wants you to read filthy magazines, watch immoral movies, and engage in all temptations of the flesh. The bottom line is that Satan wants to get into your heart and mind. He's looking for a crack in your armour. And don't be fooled. Satan knows where that crack is. Is your heart pure before God? If not, then you cannot win the battle. (,,) The Shoes of Peace - The Believer's Tranquillity A Roman soldier needed good shoes in order to be victorious on the battlefield. Oftentimes, his shoes would have hob-nails on the sole, very much like football cleats because when they were fighting they needed solid footing from which to move. Jesus gives peace and unless you have peace, you can never make war. Sounds like a contradiction, doesn't it? But you've got to have the peace of God in your heart first. When Satan comes against your tranquillity, he throws out stones and briars of doubts and discouragement to cause you to stumble. Do you have peace right now? If not, then you cannot win the battle. ([]) The Shield of Faith - The Believer's Certainty The Roman soldier's shield measured approximately two by four feet and was made of wood covered with leather. In that day, soldiers dipped arrows in oil, then lit them and shot them at the enemy. These shields were vital to protect the solider from getting burned. Satan is going to fire flaming arrows of doubt at you. He wants to place subtle doubts in your mind about God and His Truth. He knows a spark can ignite a big fire. You will need to feed your faith and starve your doubts. Are there any seeds of doubt in your mind today? If there are, then you cannot win the battle. (^) The Helmet of Salvation - The Believer's Sanity A soldier used a helmet to protect his head because if his head was wounded, he wouldn't be able to think. Every believer needs to have the mind of Christ under the control of Almighty God. When a person is saved, for the first time he has his right mind. A person without the Lord Jesus Christ has a form of insanity. They do not operate with the mind that God made them to have. The most important thing for you to have at all times is an assurance of your salvation. Do you know that you are saved? Each of these pieces of armour represents Jesus. Friend, do you want to fight with the armour of a Christian solider and live a victorious, abundant life? Then, prayerfully put on Jesus. He is Truth, He is Purity, He is Peace, He is Sure. He is the One who bought your redemption with His blood. -- Dr. Adrian Rogers - (Emoticons by the editor) Havagiggle: Thinking - Not To Be Taken Seriously It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone--"to relax," I told myself--but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Son, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But, honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognise that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was and old Laurel and Hardy movie. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. --Editor's archives The Extensive Exposition. Each issue we will make available a longer article available by email free to those who request it. This is to keep the FreEzine a readable length yet make available more in-depth material for those who are interested. Articles provided under this section do not always reflect totally the beliefs of the editor. In some issues more than one article will be available under this section and articles will need to be asked for by name to save confusion. We have no separate mailing list for the automatic despatch of articles in The Extensive Exposition so a separate request will need to be made for each article. This month's article is 'The Background, Conversion and Early Work of the Apostle Paul: 3 B.C. to A.D. 46' by Dr. Jack L. Arnold Articles may be obtained free by writing to the editor and asking for the article by name. Watch This Space: Future issues may include other sections not listed here. Why not write to us suggesting what you would like to see included. The Funny Bone: The Ailing Horse A man found that his horse was ailing. So he took the horse to the vet and asked,`Can you help me? Sometimes my horse walks fine. But other times, he limps.' The vet looked at the horse and said, `Yes... I think I can help you. When he's walking fine... sell him.' --James D. Ericson, Will They Hear from the Quiet Company?, Northwestern Mutual Life, Audience: Meeting of Agents, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, July 22, 1996. Split Second Wisdom: We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future. -- George Bernard Shaw Cooks Corner: Pecan Biscuits Ingredients: 1 1/2 cup vegetable shortening, 3/4 cup granulated sugar, 1 1/2 teaspoons salt, 2 eggs, 4 cups all purpose flour, 1/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 tablespoons water, and 1 cup shelled pecans 1. Preheat the oven to 325~F 2. In a large bowl, cream together the shortening, sugar, and salt with an electric mixer on medium speed. 3. Add the eggs and beat well. 4. While mixing, slowly add the flour, baking soda, and water. 5. Chop the pecans into very small bits using a food processor or blender on low speed. Be careful not to over-chop; you don't want to make pecan dust. The pieces should be about the size of rice grains. 6. Add the pecans to the dough and knead with your hands until the pecans are well blended into the mixture. 7. Roll the dough into 1 inch balls and press flat with your hands onto un-greased baking sheets. The cookies should be about 2 inches in diameter and 1/2 inch thick. 8. Bake for 25-30 minutes or until the edges of the cookies are golden brown. Sermon Snippet: Bloopers from Bible Students: ><> In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. ><> Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. ><> Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. ><> Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears. ><> Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. ><> The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. ><> Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. ><> The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy mother and father. ><> The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. ><> Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. ><> Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Joseph Hillebrandt Theologically Speaking: The Baptism of the Spirit There are four crucial passages in the book of Acts, which are relevant to a discussion of the subject of Spirit baptism. Acts 2: It is important to see that the coming of the Spirit on the day of Pentecost is presented by Luke as the fulfilment of John the Baptist's prophecy that 'after him would come One who would baptise in the Holy Spirit.' Mark 3:11, Luke 3:16. That same promise is taken up by the resurrected Jesus in Acts 1:5. It is used by him as a basis for instructing the believers to wait in Jerusalem until the gift of the Spirit is given. The coming of the Spirit at Pentecost is therefore described as being tied to the salvation-historical event of Christ. It is the climactic occurrence in the complex of occurrences which we call the salvation event. Luke's emphasis in Acts 2 is to explain Pentecost in terms of what the prophets had said, thus underscoring Jesus' office as the promised Messiah. We should therefore not look to this chapter for a paradigm for personal experience. Luke's description of the believer's waiting together for the Spirit's arrival is not meant to be a formula for the reception of the Spirit throughout the church age. When we are told in verse 4 that all of them were filled with the Spirit and spoke in tongues we must be careful not to assume that every aspect of their experience that day was to become normative for all Christians thereafter. Those who want to do this must realise that they have to take the tongues of fire and the sound of rushing wind a normative as well. It ought not to be assumed, either, that the speaking in tongues on the day of Pentecost was a means of preaching the Gospel to the mixed multitude there present - and therefore an example of the evangelistic function of tongues to be used by the church subsequently. We are told that the crowd heard the believers declaring the wonders of God. A similar expression occurs in Acts 10:46 and Acts 19:17 where praise and not evangelism is in view. In chapter 2 the people heard God being praised in their own languages. It was not until Peter stood up to preach (not in tongues) that thousands were converted. Acts 8: In this chapter the Samaritans do not receive the Holy Spirit until John and Peter arrive in Samaria and lay hands upon them. This, even though they are said to be believers in the Gospel of the Kingdom preached by Phillip. The narrative appears to support the view taught by many that the reception of the Holy Spirit is a second-stage Christian experience that comes subsequent to conversion. Some would urge that the Samaritans were not converted at all until they received the Holy Spirit. But this is not likely. Luke uses regular terminology for becoming a Christian in Chapter 8 verses 12 and 13. It is not helpful to cast the discussion surrounding this chapter in the form of a simple antithesis - either the Samaritans were converted under Phillip's ministry and therefore there is a precedent set for baptism by the Spirit subsequent to conversion, or else they were not converted at all until the apostles arrived. Instead of limiting the discussion to these alternatives it would be wise to judge the passage in the context of Luke's overall purposes in the book of Acts. There are four passages in Acts where Luke mentions, or hints at, a speaking in tongues as evidence of the presence of the Holy Spirit. One is in chapter 2, another is in chapter 8. Then there is the episode with Cornelius which is used by Luke to mark the recognition of the Gentiles by the Jerusalem church, Acts 10 and 11. Then in chapter 19, the disciples of John the Baptist are instructed in faith more fully, etc. Each of these in which the coming of the Spirit is recorded, represents a separate stage in Luke's chronicling of the church's struggle to understand the relationship of the atonement-resurrection to the law of Moses. As the church's understanding of the significance of Christ deepened, questions were cast upon the finality of the Mosaic legislation. Stephen's speech in chapter 7 cast doubt on the finality of the temple. Peter learned that the laws of uncleanness were no longer applicable. Inevitably this new understanding involved the question of how Gentiles are to be related to the Messiah. Those who wanted to maintain the law of Moses as a final law of life insisted on Gentiles becoming Jews before becoming Christians. An alternative view prevailed at the council of Jerusalem (Acts 15) where a decisive argument was based on what Peter had been shown in connection with Cornelius (Acts 10 and 11). Acts 8 fits into Luke's purpose in his attempt to trace the impact of the Gospel first on the Jews, then Samaritans, then righteous Gentiles and finally, the Gentile world at large. It seems that in Acts 8 the gift of the Spirit is not withheld in order to establish a specific order of Christian experience, but rather to drew the connection between the Jerusalem church and the Samaritan believers. This connection was implicit on the Gospel itself but was made explicit by the Jerusalem apostles forging a link between the two communities in the laying on of hands. If this connection had not been laid down the Samaritans may well have wished to maintain their separateness, which had been customary with them for generations. Acts 10 and 11: In this instance, the Holy Spirit falls on Cornelius while Peter is still preaching his sermon. This coming of the Spirit is then attested by speaking in tongues and followed by baptism, which is usually associated with conversion. All of this combines to declare that Luke is not interested in the sequence of things. The sequence here is no more normative than in chapters 2 and 8. What is important to Luke is Peter's understanding of the events that are recorded with precision in both chapters. Peter heard the Gentile family speaking in tongues and immediately connected it with Pentecost. 'As I began to speak the Holy Spirit came upon them as he had come on us at the beginning.' Acts 11:15. The conclusion arrived at by Peter embraced by the Jerusalem church was that Gentile believers were fellow believers. Repentance unto life had been granted to them by God even though they had not come under the Jewish religion. Acts 11:17. A further point in connection with the speaking in tongues in chapters 10 and 11 is that there were no unbelievers present. It cannot be claimed therefore that they had any sign value for the unbeliever. They did have significance for the Jerusalem believers though, because it taught them that the Messianic gift was for all mankind irrespective of race or tradition. Acts 19: The KJV rendering of verse 2 is misleading when it reads, 'have you received the Holy Spirit since you believed?' It is better translated. 'Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?' This passage records the existence of a group of people who had been subject tot he teaching of John the Baptist, possibly by one of John's disciples. They had followed in this way long enough to know that John's ministry pointed beyond himself to Jesus. They knew of Jesus but they had not been instructed in the full privilege of Christianity made possible by the gift of Jesus' Spirit. This means that the Ephesian believers were in the same situation that the believers in Acts 1 were in. They were living in a pre-Pentecost dispensation after Pentecost had taken place. John's baptism was a baptism of repentance but it did not embrace the baptism in the Spirit that John looked for in the Messiah. They had not even heard about the Holy Spirit. The book of Acts in not a handbook for individual Christian experience. It is rather an account of the progress of the Gospel geographically, racially, theologically. The waiting for the Spirit is linked to Pentecost. The subsequent comings of the Spirit are to groups who are not tarrying for him. Ron Allen. A more comprehensive study by Ron Allen into the Book of Acts is available from For the Children: What is a Friend A friend... (A)ccepts you as you are (B)elieves in "you" (C)alls you just to say "HI" (D)oesn't give up on you (E)nvisions [sees] the whole of you (even the unfinished parts) (F)orgives your mistakes (G)ives unconditionally (H)elps you (I)nvites you over (J)ust wants to"be" with you (K)eeps you close at heart (L)oves you for who you are (M)akes a difference in your life (N)ever Judges (O)ffers support (P)icks you up (Q)uiets your fears (R)aises your spirits (S)ays nice things about you (T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it (U)nderstands you (V)alues you (W)alks beside you (X)-plains things you don't understand (Y)ells when you won't listen, and (Z)aps you back to reality --Anon (Editor's archives) Take a Hint: Exam Stress Next month many of our readers or their children will be sitting exams. In order to manage exams well, we need to stay at peak functioning: too much or too little stress can spoil our performance. But we all need a certain amount of adrenalin in our bodies; how much will vary according to each individual. Here are a few pointers you can use yourself or share: ><> Good breathing and relaxation ><> Avoid catastrophic thoughts like "I can't understand this author"; "I'm going to fail this paper"; "I'm going to fail my degree". ><> Plan well: list achievable targets and tick them off when done ><> Make time for fun but without alcohol or drugs because they can de-skill you. ><> Avoid coffee, which may over-stimulate and increase feelings of anxiety. ><> Use active learning techniques like mnemonics, summarising as you go along, and asking yourself questions as you read. ><> Make sure you stay in touch with sympathetic friends and family: having someone to 'just listen' helps. ><> Going straight to bed after revision may cause difficulty sleeping as the thoughts rush around your brain. ><> And, finally, Jesus said in John 14:26, 'The Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost... (will) bring all things to your remembrance!' So my best advice is to study well first, then at exam time, ask for God's Spirit to simply 'bring all things to your remembrance'. Slips that go Pass in the Type: A Great Day? "This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral Freebies: Home Inventory Manager MyStuff v. 1.1 is a free home inventory manager for Windows 9x/ NT/ 2000 which lets you track data on your possessions, store all information, pictures, and depreciation etc. Located at From My Case Files: Oops! After three decades of counselling, your editor (a retired sociologist) sometimes ponders some of the things that have come up in counselling that, in retrospect, contain an element of humour. This feature section will be included from time to time to share some of these snippets. Names have been changed to protect privacy. Maggie and Egbert explained that their day had started of well when they had commented to each other that their teenage son Fred seemed to spend a lot of time in his room studying. Later that day while Maggie was cleaning, she became upset when she found a supposed pornographic video 'hidden' in Fred's room. What really got her boiling was when she checked it out on their lounge-room VCR and saw her husband on the screen! In fact, she was so angered she could only watch a few seconds of the video before she threw a table lamp through the TV set, destroying both the lamp and the TV. For three days she had refused to speak with Egbert and only in counselling would she listen long enough for him to explain that the video wasn't pornographic. What she had seen in those brief moments was her husband, wearing swimming shorts, while on a fishing trip with their son a few weeks earlier. The video had, in fact, been recorded to be used as a surprise Mother's day gift for Maggie. Letters to the Editor Cantos de poetry, Catchwords, Changes, Clamourings, Clichés, Commendations, Comments, Commercials, Complaints, Compliments, Congratulates, Credits, Cries, Criticisms, Critiques? We'll Take All! Henry (email) asks, "I have been given a very old computer to 'play' with, but I cannot enter the BIOS to change any settings. I have checked the keyboard and the DEL button seems to be working." Henry, the BIOS entry code using the DEL (Delete) key will only work on chips that are programmed for that code. Here is a list of codes used by various BIOS manufacturers over the years. You may wish to try one of these first: ESC, CTRL+ALT+S, CTRL+ALT+INS, CTRL+ALT+ESC, F1 or F2. --Editor. The Back Page: 'Complicated' (Song lyrics) Uh Huh/Life's like this/Uh Huh/Uh Huh/That's the way it is Cause life's like this/Uh Huh/Uh Huh/That's the way it is Chill out/What you yellin for?/Lay back /It's all been done before/And if you could only let it be/You will see I like you the way you are/When we're drivin in your car/And you're talkin to me one-on-one/But you become Somebody else/Round everyone else/Watchin your back/Like you can't relax/You tryin to be cool/You look like a fool to me/Tell me Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?/I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else /Gets me frusterated/Life's like this you/You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get/And you turn into/Honestly, you promised me/I'm never gonna find you fake it/No no no You come over unannounced/Dressed up like you're somethin else/Where you are and where it's at you see/You're makin me/Laugh out/When you strike a pose/Take off/All your preppy clothes/You know/You're not foolin anyone/When you become Somebody else/Round everyone else/Watchin your back/Like you can't relax/You tryin to be cool/You look like a fool to me/Tell me Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?/I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else /Gets me frusterated/Life's like this you/You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get/And you turn into/Honestly, you promised me/I'm never gonna find you fake it/No no no/(no no no)/No no/(no no no)/No no/(no no no)/No no Chill out/What you yellin for?/Lay back /It's all been done before/And if you could only let it be/You will see Somebody else/Round everyone else/Watchin your back/Like you can't relax/You tryin to be cool/You look like a fool to me/Tell me Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?/I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else /Gets me frusterated/Life's like this you/You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get/And you turn into/Honestly, you promised me/I'm never gonna find you fake it/No no / /Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?/(yeah yeah)/I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else /Gets me frusterated/Life's like this you/You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get/And you turn it into/Honestly, you promised me/I'm never gonna find you fake it/No no no --Avril Lavigne lyrics to a song. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Subscription Information: FreEzine is a Free ezine magazine/newsletter, published by Lionel Hartley () no less than monthly and sent out ONLY to those who request it. 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A note on the format: Your editor has considered many possible formats, including a colourfully illustrated E-book, webpage, Portable Document Format (.pdf), etc. Reluctantly, plain text was chosen to make this ezine available to the greatest number of users - DOS, Windows(R), Macintosh, etc. Address all correspondence to the editor Please do not use "Reply To Sender" email option as this magazine may occasionally be sent out by a commercial or other distributor, unrelated to FreEzine. Free offers in FreEzine of CD-ROMs, Back issues, software, posters, additional articles, screensavers, etc. have a time limit which is normally until the issue of the next edition of FreEzine. Special exceptions are sometimes made. Contact the editor for information. In order to cater for a variety of tastes and beliefs, the content of FreEzine does not always reflect totally the beliefs of the editor. E&OE. 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FreEzine is also available in Spanish - La Revista libre de Ezine, French - La Revue de Ezine libre, German - FreiEzine Zeitschrift, Italian - La Rivista di Ezine libera, and Portuguese - Revista livre de Ezine. PS. This could be your next home: Check out And, in closing: Cowisms Assume, for example, that you have two cows. Under Feudalism, you have two cows and your landlord takes some of the milk. Under Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. Under bureaucratic socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Under fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. Under pure communism: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Under traditional communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Under military communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Under militarianism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Under totalitarianism: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Under pure democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. Under representative democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours vote for someone to tell you who gets the milk. Under Third World democracy: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Under American democracy: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". Under British democracy: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. Under a bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Under capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting semen from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company requests to be listed on the Stock exchange. The Securities Commission eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then ... Under international capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via an offshore intermediary to a distant island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the local currency is bad. Under environmentalism: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. Under feminism: You have 2 cows. Spousal pressure prevents you from owning a bull. Under political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender. Under a counter culture: Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk! Under libertarianism: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." Under pure anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. Under surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. -- Adapted from 'Two Cows' by John De Marco. (Editor's Archives)