FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine Issue 33 Vol 4 # 3 March 2003 FreEzine is a free email magazine/newsletter containing articles of interest from a Christian perspective and is published no less than monthly. FreEzine is NOT Spam and is only sent to people who request it. If you ever want to stop (or start) receiving FreEzine you'll find instructions at the end of this newsletter. A special "hello" to all of our new subscribers. We welcome and appreciate feedback on how we can improve this e-zine for you. IF YOU FIND THIS NEWSLETTER USEFUL... ... PLEASE FORWARD IT TO FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES! IN THIS ISSUE: Editorial: Tarnishing Tarshish Natural Remedies (A new series): Burns What's On? Seminars & Workshops Repeatable Quotable: You Are No Better Than... Article: Why it's Hard for a Saved Person to be Lost Havagiggle: How Do We Get There? The Extensive Exposition: Fasting - A Biblical View Watch This Space The Funny Bone: Your Preaching Put Him to Sleep Split Second Wisdom: Fanaticism Cooks Corner: Nutri-Grain Bars Sermon Snippet: The Most Important Part of the Body Slips that go Pass in the Type: Employment Theologically speaking: Where God Will Never Take You For the Children: Grace Take a Hint: Computer POST function Freebies: Converter3000 v1.1 From My Case Files: My Embarrassing Husband Letters to the Editor The Back Page: Vital Things to Know About Taking a Bath Subscription & Other Information And, in closing: Guidelines for Church Pastors FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine Editorial: Tarnishing Tarshish It is interesting how something ordinary can take on extra-ordinary significance, and yet this extra-ordinary significance can so easily be sullied, making the thing again ordinary (or less than ordinary). In Old Testament times, the ships of Tarshish were regarded as a symbol of beauty, strength and lofty ideals. Even ships going to Tarshish took on this same significance. The name Tarshish became also an epithet for any merchant vessel (as if for, to or from that Mediterranean Sea port - Tarshish ships were even made as far away as Eziongaber or Etsjon-Geber on the Red Sea-- 2 Chronicles 20:36). Isaiah 2:16 even lists the ships of Tarshish in their symbolic beauty and loftiness along with one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, the Cedars of Lebanon. 2 Chronicles 9:21, Jeremiah 10:9, Ezekiel 27:12 and Isaiah 60:9 all refer to the ships of Tarshish bringing gold, and other treasures. Ezekiel 27:25 and 38:13 even go so far as to suggest that praise from the merchants or ships of Tarshish is to be desired. And yet, despite all this, Jonah, in a singular act of rebellion against God, changed this perception: 'But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD' (Jonah 1:3). God has given us an earth-full of wonderful gifts, treasures to have and behold, ideals with which to aspire and good news to share. However, in our rebellion we quickly tarnish Tarshish. The word tarnish comes from the French word 'ternir' from the root 'terne', meaning 'dark' and often refers to oxidation of surfaces due to misuse. Tarnish on many surfaces can be removed by polishing with denatured (methylated) spirit. We all have rebelled and tarnished many of God's glorious gifts. But it is not too late. We can still use God's Spirit to put a shine on these things and move us out of darkness into his marvellous light (1 Peter 2:9). --Editor. Natural Remedies (A new series) Over the next few issues we will explore some of nature's hygiene helpers and ways to fix basic ills, chills, aches and pains. Common sense is paramount - some of these hints are health related, and if you have a medical condition such high blood pressure, are taking prescription medication or are in any way unsure whether you should follow the self-help suggestion/s provided, consult a doctor or natural therapist. This month: Burns Hold a bag of ice (or frozen peas!) to a burn for 10 minutes to stop blistering. Buy an aloe-vera plant for the windowsill and, if you burn yourself simply split open a leaf and apply its natural gel to promote healing. -- Pamela Allardice, Natural therapist What's On? Seminars & Workshops: For Seminars on Science and the Bible in February & March, visit, . For free lifestyle seminars in your area, locally, nationally & internationally, visit . Repeatable Quotable: You Are No Better Than... The mother of American statesman Bernard Baruch used to motivate him by telling him, "No one is better than you, but you are no better than anyone else until you do something to prove it. --Editor's Archives Article: Why it's Hard for a Saved Person to be Lost 1. Nothing can separate you from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus your Lord. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39) Neither death nor anything that happens after death, or anything that happens while you're living can separate you from God's love. If there were no other verse in the Bible that deals with eternal security, this one covers the base. 2. When you are saved, you are made perfect forever. For by one offering He [Jesus] hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified. (Hebrews 10:14) When Jesus died on the cross, He saved you forever. Jesus offered one sacrifice for sin forever. If you ever lost your salvation, in order for you to be saved again, Jesus would have to die again. By one offering He has perfected forever those who were sanctified. 3. Our Lord always finishes what He begins. Being confident of this very thing, that He [God] which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6) Let me tell you what the Holy Spirit of God does for your salvation. First, He convicted you of sin. Second, He converted you. And the Convictor and the Converter is also the Completer. If God fails to finish what He's begun God has failed and He cannot fail. 4. You are predestined to be like Jesus. For whom He [God] did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. (Romans 8:29) God saw you before this world was put in space. He saw you repent of your sin and ask Jesus to save you. And when God saw that, not only did He foreknow it, but also He predestinated it. If it is settled in eternity how can it be undone in time? 5. You are in Christ. Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. (2 Corinthians 5:17) You are in Christ just like Noah was in the ark. The ark was a picture of Jesus and when Noah went into that ark God shut the door. Noah may have fallen down a lot of times in that ark, but he never fell out of it. Your security is not in a place, it is in a Person and His name is Jesus. And if you're in Jesus, you're secure and if you're not in Jesus you're not secure. 6. You already have eternal life. Heareth My word, and believeth on him that sent Me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life. (John 5:24) Everlasting life is not something you get when you die. Everlasting life is something you get when you receive Jesus. If I have everlasting life, when can it end? Suppose I had it 10 years and it ended. Did I have everlasting life? No, I had a 10-year life. Whatever you have, if you ever lose it, whatever it was it wasn't everlasting. 7. The Lord Jesus Christ is ever interceding for you. I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given Me; for they are Thine. (John 17:9) Jesus also prayed: "I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil...Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word" (John 17:15, 20). Say your name in that verse because Jesus prayed for you! Has Jesus ever prayed a prayer that wasn't answered? No, not one (see John 11:42 and Hebrews 7:25). Some people say, "Well, if I believed in this doctrine, then I'd get saved and I'd sin all I want to." Friend, I sin all I want to. I sin more than I want to. I don't want to! When you get saved you get your 'want-to' fixed. As a matter of fact, you get a brand new 'want-to'. Adrian Rogers - www.Crosswalk.com Havagiggle: How Do We Get There? A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbour's house was on fire. He promptly called 000 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbour's house two kilometres down the road. The dispatcher asked The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?" --Editor's archives The Extensive Exposition. Each issue we will make available a longer article available by email free to those who request it. This is to keep the FreEzine a readable length yet make available more in-depth material for those who are interested. Articles provided under this section do not always reflect totally the beliefs of the editor. In some issues more than one article will be available under this section and articles will need to be asked for by name to save confusion. We have no separate mailing list for the automatic despatch of articles in The Extensive Exposition so a separate request will need to be made for each article. This month's article is the Ebook: Fasting - A Biblical View A seminar based on the book is listed at . Articles may be obtained free by writing to the editor and asking for the article by name. Watch This Space: Future issues may include other sections not listed here. Why not write to us suggesting what you would like to see included. The Funny Bone: Your Preaching Put Him to Sleep The preacher is droning away during the sermon when he notices a parishioner sleeping in the back pew. The preacher interrupts his sermon to shout to the sleeping person's neighbour, "Hey wake that fellow up!" The neighbour calls back, "Your preaching put him to sleep, let your preaching wake him up!" -Editor's Archives Split Second Wisdom: Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim. -- George Santayana Cooks Corner: Nutri-Grain Bars Ingredients: 1 pkt yellow cake mix; 3/4 cup butter; 2 1/2 cups quick oats, cup jam; 1 Tbsp water Method: Preheat oven to 375. Melt butter. Combine cake mix and oats in a large bowl; stir in the melted butter until the mixture is crumbly. Measure half of this mixture (about 3 cups) into a greased 13x9x2-inch pan. Press firmly into pan to cover the bottom. Combine jam and water; spoon over crumb mixture in pan, and spread evenly. Cover with remaining crumb mixture. Pat firmly to make top even. Bake at 375 for 20 minutes--top should be very light brown. Cool completely before cutting into bars. Sermon Snippet: The Most Important Part of the Body My mother used to ask me what is the most important part of the body. Through the years I would take a guess at what I thought was the correct answer. When I was younger, I thought sound was very important to us as humans, so I said, "My ears, Mommy." She said "No--Many people are deaf. But you keep thinking about it and I will ask you again soon." Several years passed before she asked me again. Since making my first attempt, I had contemplated the correct answer. So this time I told her, "Mommy, sight is very important to everybody, so it must be our eyes." She looked at me and told me, "You are learning fast, but the answer is not correct because there are many people who are blind." Stumped again, I continued my quest for knowledge and over the years, Mother asked me a couple more times and always her answer was, "No. But you are getting smarter every year, my young child." Then last year, my grandpa died. Everybody was hurt. Everybody was crying. Even my father cried. I remember that especially because it was only the second time I saw him cry. My mom looked at me when it was our turn to say our final goodbye to Grandpa. She asked me, "Do you know the most important body part yet, my son?" I was shocked when she asked me this now. I always thought this was a game between her and me. She saw the confusion on my face and told me, "This question is very important. It shows that you have really lived in your life. For every body part you gave me in the past, I have told you was wrong and I have given you an example why. But today is the day you need to learn this important lesson." She looked down at me as only a mother can. I saw her eyes well up with tears. She said, "Son, the most important body part is your shoulder." I asked, "Is it because it holds up my head?" She replied, "No, it is because it can hold the head of a friend or a loved one when they cry. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometime in life, my son. I only hope that you have enough love and friends that you will always have a shoulder to cry on when you need it." Then and there I knew the most important body part is not a selfish one--it is sympathetic to the pain of others. People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But, people will never forget how you made them feel. Slips that go Pass in the Type: Employment "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign Theologically Speaking: Where God Will Never Take You The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you. The will of God will never take you, where the arms of God cannot support you. The will of God will never take you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs. The will of God will never take you, where the power of God cannot endow you. The will of God will never take you, where the Spirit of God cannot work through you. The will of God will never take you, where the wisdom of God cannot teach you. The will of God will never take you, where the army of God cannot protect you. The will of God will never take you, where the hands of God cannot mould you. The will of God will never take you, where the love of God cannot enfold you. The will of God will never take you, where the mercies of God cannot sustain you. The will of God will never take you, where the peace of God cannot calm your fears. The will of God will never take you, where the authority of God cannot overrule for you. The will of God will never take you, where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears. The will of God will never take you, where the Word of God cannot feed you. The will of God will never take you, where the miracles of God cannot be done for you. The will of God will never take you, where the omnipresence of God cannot find you. -- Author Unknown For the Children: Grace O Lord, we are grateful For every yummy plateful. For giving us meals so wholesome and good And giving us someone to prepare our food. For giving us mouths to enjoy the taste And plumbing to take it down to our waist. And for bodies that use the food You give So we can grow and not just live. Amen. --Anon Take a Hint: Computer POST function (Beep, Beep) What are the funny beeps we hear when our computer starts? Those beeps are designed by the manufacturer of the computer to both warn when there is a problem and to tell the user what the problem is most likely to be. This is called a POST function (Power-On Self-Test function). If the computer is functioning normally (and a mini speaker is attached to the Motherboard), you should hear one short 'beep' tone when the system is started. If a problem is detected, a series of different tones may be heard. For example three long beeps indicate a problem with the keyboard. One long beep and one short beep indicate an error with the main Motherboard. No tone, a continuous tone or repeating short beeps indicates a problem with the computer's Power Supply. One long beep and three short beeps indicate a problem with the Video Display Adapter Card. One long beep and two short beeps indicate a problem with either the Video Display Adapter Card or the Monitor Cable. Sometimes other indicators may accompany the beeps. For example, if there is one short beep and a blank screen or incorrect display, this may also indicate a problem with the Video Display Adapter Card or Monitor Cable. And one short beep accompanied by a CD, disk, tape or hard-drive light staying on or a message on the screen may indicate a problem with a disk drive or drive adapter. Other POST functions are in the form of error codes printed on the screen. This is usually a two or four digit code, which can help a knowledgeable technician identify the fault. So if you have a fault when your computer starts up take note of what you hear and what you see. (And what you smell if that is different to normal!). --Editor. Freebies: Converter3000 v1.1 Converter3000 for 9x/ NT/ 2000 lets you make conversions; convert between units of area, distance, speed, temperature, time, volume, and weight. Available from From My Case Files: My Embarrassing Husband After three decades of counselling, your editor (a retired sociologist) sometimes ponders some of the things that have come up in counselling that, in retrospect, contain an element of humour. This feature section will be included from time to time to share some of these snippets. Names have been changed to protect privacy. Maggie explained why she didn't like being seen in public with her husband. Her example, she says, is typical of him: During their courtship, Egbert took her out to dinner and also took a sock puppet to dinner with him. When the waiter came to ask them what they wanted, Egbert consulted the sock. This happened all through the meal. When the cheque came, Egbert loudly argued with the sock so everyone heard him arguing about who would pay the bill. Egbert then threw down the sock and after saying to it, "Fine, you pay!" he then tried to leave, dragging an embarrassed Maggie with him. Fortunately he stopped at the front desk and paid before the security staff was called. Letters to the Editor Cantos de poetry, Catchwords, Changes, Clamourings, Clichés, Commendations, Comments, Commercials, Complaints, Compliments, Congratulates, Credits, Cries, Criticisms, Critiques? We'll Take All! The Back Page: Vital Things to Know About Taking a Bath For those people who consider 'wash', 'bath', and 'soap' to be four-letter words. When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom, and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out. Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can. If you run a bath too hot you don't realise this until you sit in one end and burn your other end. It is either foolhardy or impossible to turn a tap on or off with your foot. When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward at an exact 27.255-degree angle until it is positioned precisely beneath the dripping tap. The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel at all; it is a sock, which has fallen in the water. The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave. Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you. When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one bit you just realised that you forgot to wash. However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put your clothes on. -- Joke du Jour Subscription Information: FreEzine is a Free ezine magazine/newsletter, published by Lionel Hartley () no less than monthly and sent out ONLY to those who request it. As FreEzine uses an opt-in email list, we never buy or otherwise obtain email addresses. Although we encourage our readers to forward a copy of FreEzine to their friends and invite them to subscribe, we have a strictly No Spam Policy. 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A note on the format: Your editor has considered many possible formats, including a colourfully illustrated E-book, webpage, Portable Document Format (.pdf), etc. Reluctantly, plain text was chosen to make this ezine available to the greatest number of users - DOS, Windows(R), Macintosh, etc. Address all correspondence to the editor Please do not use "Reply To Sender" email option as this magazine may occasionally be sent out by a commercial or other distributor, unrelated to FreEzine. Free offers in FreEzine of CD-ROMs, Back issues, software, posters, additional articles, screensavers, etc. have a time limit which is normally until the issue of the next edition of FreEzine. Special exceptions are sometimes made. Contact the editor for information. In order to cater for a variety of tastes and beliefs, the content of FreEzine does not always reflect totally the beliefs of the editor. E&OE. 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FreEzine is also available in Spanish - La Revista libre de Ezine, French - La Revue de Ezine libre, German - FreiEzine Zeitschrift, Italian - La Rivista di Ezine libera, and Portuguese - Revista livre de Ezine. PS. This could be your next home: Check out And, in closing: Guidelines for Church Pastors Church Pastors' Office Management Guidelines they missed in the Church Manual. 1. Put a chair facing the printer. Sit there all day and tell the secretary and visitors that you're waiting for the last page of next Sabbath's sermon. 2. Arrive at Church Board late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for supper. Ask the Custodian to chair the meeting, then go ahead and eat 3 carrots, 4 celery sticks, 5 large, raw potatoes, and a bowl of raw pasta during the meeting. 3. Insist that your e-mail address be "thor-god-of-thunder@whirlwind-sermons.com" 4. Every time a distraught member asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver to protect your incompetence. 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they provide fries or doughnuts with that. 6. Send e-mail to yourself, engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of your church's mission. Forward the mail to the Church Choir Director asking for it to be set to an antiphonal Mime drama. 7. When assisting with the Church renovation, go to work in your painter's overalls and diver's flippers. 8. Put a picture of one of your best-looking relatives on your business card. 9. Find out where your assistant pastor shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them to the weekly planning meeting one day after your assistant pastor does. (This is especially effective if your assistant pastor is a different gender than you are.) 10. Make up nicknames for all your church officers and refer to them only by these names during Church Board meetings. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chacha." 11. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page of all church bulletins. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) 12. Encourage youth to join you in a little synchronised chair-dancing. It's not biblically forbidden. 13. Agree to organise the Church Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $250 a plate toward the next membership drive. 14. Send e-mail to the congregation telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be a the local Boomerang Club." 15. No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." 16. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 17. Grow mould in your hot-chocolate mug. Then offer a Pathfinder Badge in 'Recent Church Fungi'. 18. Build a sculpture of the 'Three Angels' using empty soda cans left after Church Board meetings. Install it over the main entrance. 19. Put on your headphones whenever the secretary comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. 20. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my other phone is ringing", and leave. 21. Compose all your sermons in rhyming couplets. 22. Install a set of binary-function buttons and lights on the arm of your chair for making decisions. 23. Install sound-sensitive beepers on your shoes so that they will give audible warnings when things get too rowdy at Conference Committee meetings. 24. Bring dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out right, as special treats for the weekly, Sabbath potluck dinners. 25. While sitting at your desk when the heating system fails, soak your fingers periodically in Silver Nitrate solution to warm them so you can still 'keyboard' your PowerPoint sermons. 26. Put mosquito netting around the baptistry. 27. Decorate your office with posters of your nation's politicians. Tell all new members and visitors that they are your children. 28. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a lead belt, mask and very long snorkel and walk across the nearest lake looking for missing members. 29. Send e-mail messages saying 'free pizza and donuts tomorrow in the Junior room'. When people complain that there was nothing left when they arrived -- just lean back, and say, "Oh you've come a day early." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. 30. Put those hole-reinforcing circles on the center of your eyeglasses, and wear them to Church Board when discussing whether bass-drum solos should be allowed for special music. 31. Put shaving foam on your secretary's telephone ear piece. Dial the number. When answered, say "Squish." 32. Subscribe your church departmental officers to Biblical Archaeology Review, to keep them up on the latest methods of communicating with the Rocking Teen Club. 33. Change the message on the Church voice-mail system. "Get Creative, Do it Yourself". 34. When the Conference President calls, page yourself over the intercom. --Submitted by a FreEzine reader (who is also a pastor) who wishes to remain anonymous.