><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine - ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Issue Vol 3 # 1 Jan 2002 ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> FreEzine is a free email magazine/newsletter containing articles of interest from a Christian perspective and is published no less than monthly. FreEzine is NOT Spam and is only sent to people who request it. If you ever want to stop (or start) receiving FreEzine you'll find instructions at the end of this newsletter. A special "hello" to all of our new subscribers. We welcome and appreciate feedback on how we can improve this e-zine for you. IF YOU FIND THIS NEWSLETTER USEFUL... ... PLEASE FORWARD IT TO FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES! ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> IN THIS ISSUE: Editorial: How To Be Lazy What's On? Seminars & Workshops: A Christ for Everyone Repeatable Quotable: Life is a Sheet of Paper Article: One Tear Havagiggle: A Child's Interpretation The Extensive Exposition: Don Hawley, Renewal Music Bane or Blessing? The Funny Bone: The Bible Lesson Split Second Wisdom: Death & Taxes Sermon Snippet: God's Boxes of Love Theologically speaking: Barth, Tillich, Niebuhr and Cone Take a Hint: Request from Reader - Gas Letters to the Editor: Watch This Space Subscription & Other Information Penultimate: What Alcohol Does for a Body The Last Word: New Labelling for Alcohol Products ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine -FreEzine ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Editorial: How To Be Lazy I don't know about you, but I don't usually have time to be lazy. However, when I do feel lazy it's hard to enjoy it without feeling guilty. Here are some suggested ways of being lazy without the associated feelings of guilt (others may also enjoy this kind of laziness in you): Smile, because it takes many more muscles to frown than to smile. A gentle touch can save you many words. Be too lazy to pout, fidget, or be fussy. Give your jaw a holiday and listen instead of talking. Don't bother quarrelling or arguing. Only eat what your body needs to survive. Don't bust yourself chasing for a bargain if it takes more out of you than you save. Be too lazy to worry about the inevitable. If what you were about to say was unkind, untrue or unnecessary, then have a lazy tongue and leave it unsaid Don't be bothered smoking or chewing tobacco. Allow yourself to be too lazy to run hard, take a long walk instead. Save time choosing what to wear by donating half of your wardrobe contents to charity. Think before acting and speaking. Follow the carpenter's maxim: 'measure twice then cut once'. Don't bother to open a bottle of beverage when plain water will suffice. Be too lazy to switch on a CD or record - sing instead. And finally, 'Don't worry, saying, What shall we eat? or, drink? or, What shall we wear? ... And don't worry about tomorrow: for tomorrow shall have enough problems of its own. (Matthew 6:31,34)' -- Lionel Hartley, Editor ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Aside: Quoting Scripture A notorious burglar observes the day-to-day activities of an old lady who is living alone in an apartment as he waits for an opportunity to rob her place if she ever leaves. Sure enough when the old lady goes out to attend an early evening prayer meeting, the burglar goes into action and manages to break into her apartment. However, as the burglar is looking for anything to steal, the old lady unexpectedly comes back to the apartment as she forgets her bible. When the old lady opens her door, she discovers the burglar trying to carry off her television set. The old lady says in a stern voice to the burglar, "Stop what you're doing!" And being a religious devotee, she quotes the Bible reference, "Acts 2:38." which she hopes will encourage the burglar to turn away from sin. (Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptised every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.) Surprisingly, the burglar stays in place and even raises his hands as if to surrender. The old lady then calmly phones the police for help. When the police arrive, the old lady tells them what has just happened and points to the burglar still standing in place. As he is putting the cuffs on the burglar, the police officer asks the burglar, "Why did you not run away when the old lady was just quoting the Psalms?" "What? She was just quoting the Bible?" asks the hapless burglar. "I thought she said she had an axe and two thirty-eights' (.38mm firearms)." --Courtesy of Patrick Benedict ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> What's On? Seminars & Workshops: A Christ for Everyone. How the Gospel of Luke shows that you are included in God's gift of eternal life, through Jesus Christ. Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne seminars in February 2001 with Dr Des Ford & Pr Ron Allen. For further information, visit PLEASE NOTE: The previously advertised seminar website is no longer available. The new site is ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Repeatable Quotable: Life is a Sheet of Paper Life is a sheet of paper white, Whereon each one of us may write His word or two, and then comes night. "Lo, time and space enough," we cry, "To write an epic!" So we try Our nibs upon the edge - and die. Muse not which way the pen to hold; Luck hates the slow and loves the bold; Soon comes the darkness and the cold. Greatly begin! Though thou have time But for a line, be that sublime. Not failure, but low aim, is crime. James Russell Lowell. - Pearls from Many Seas, J. B. McClure, Editor, p418. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Article: One Tear It was the only tear she had ever seen the quiet boy cry. His name was Charlie. He seemed a nice enough boy. Just really quiet. That one tear, would haunt Misty her whole life. Today, had been a really bad day. It was one of those occasions she had to wear extra makeup to school. Most girls loved to wear makeup. But Misty hated it. Most people would never understand why a teenage girl would hate makeup, but there are a few. Most girls wore makeup because they thought it made them look grown up or beautiful. Misty wore it to hide the bruises. On that day, so long ago, Misty was wearing more makeup than usual, a lot more makeup in fact. She was so preoccupied with her own problems that she barely noticed Charlie, the quiet boy, as he arrived to walk at her side and carry her books to school that day. As he usually did, Charlie walked up, and said nothing. He simply reached over and took her schoolbooks and walked at her side. It was their daily routine. She wasn't sure when it started, it seemed like it had always been that way. Little did she know that today would be the last time. She heard the neighbourhood bullies yelling and hollering at Charlie from down the street from direction from which he had come. She couldn't make out their words, but bullies being what they are, she didn't need to hear. They were teasing Charlie. Finally, she looked over at Charlie, and saw the tear. There was only one, but it hit her like a brick. Charlie was crying because some boys were yelling names at him. What a wimp. He didn't have any idea what real pain was. Oh sure, sometimes he came to school with bruises, but what kid wasn't occasionally picked on by bullies. Life sucks and then you die, right? Suddenly, all the anger that was inside her exploded to the surface. She turned to him and told him he was a cry-baby ...and a wimp. How dare he cry, when she had to hide her pain. Misty, the girl who knew what true pain really was; the girl who never cried, told the cry-baby to go home. That she never wanted to see him again. He looked at her and said simply, "You deserve better." She screamed back at him, "You're damn right! I deserve better friends, ones that don't cry like babies." With that she stormed off and didn't look back. Twenty years passed and she never talked to Charlie again. Something had happened that day that she could not fully explain. All the pain she had suffered her whole life had seemed to explode in that one instance. That one tear haunted her for years. She rationalised it. Explaining that she was truly angry at herself, at her father who beat her, at a cruel world that ignored the tears a little girl cried on the inside. Yet, part of her was truly embarrassed for the way she acted. She was ashamed of treating this kind young boy, who had never done anything but be kind to her, so badly. It was her embarrassment, more than anything else that kept her from saying anything. Her shame. She saw Charlie many times over the years. He would smile in her direction, part of her wanted to smile back, but her anger and shame always made her turn away. In all these years, with all that had happened to her she had never cried a single tear, and she had never talked to Charlie. When she was 16, her father passed away. While part of her was relieved that the beatings had finally ended, part of her was sad and confused. Her father was an enigma. She had never really understood him. One minute, he would be sitting in his chair quietly, the next he would be screaming at her for being so stupid. She tried to be a good kid, but somehow she always managed to do something wrong. No matter what she did, sooner or later he would start screaming, and then he would get out the belt. He would punish her for being a bad girl. It was really strange because after he punished her he would say he was sorry. That if only she did as he had told her, he would not be forced to punish her. Then he would hold her tight and tell her that he loved her. For a few days everything would be okay. He would treat her extra special and for a little while she would be happy and feel Daddy loved her. But sooner or later, he would grow quiet and it would start again. But no matter how bad it got, Misty refused to cry. When she was eighteen Misty met an older man who treated her really nice. At first it felt like love, but she became afraid of his kindness. Everyday worrying that his kindness would be replaced with anger. So she ended the relationship. The following year she met a man who half the time seemed like an angel and the other half, the devil himself. He was like her father, with his mood swings. One day he treated her like an angel. The next day he blamed her for everything. Having no idea why she did it, she married this man. She lived for the days when he treated her like an angel and lived in fear of the days when his mood was sombre. Finally the beatings began. Each time it would be the same. For a few days things would be calm. Then he would grow quiet. She would try extra hard to be a good wife, but sooner or later she would make a mistake. Afterwards he would be very sorry and say how much he loved her. He would shower her with love and affection, all the time saying if only she would try a little harder. And of course the makeup. It seemed each year she had to wear more makeup. It finally got so bad that she had to run for her life. So she divorced and started over. Afraid of men, yet afraid to be alone. Misty could never trust a man after what she had been through. Finally, 25 years after the last time she had spoken to Charlie she saw him again. She had gone into the flower shop, forgetting that one of her friends had mentioned Charlie was the new owner. She had already picked up the flowers and started for the cash-register when she realised her mistake. And there stood Charlie, looking at her, with a tear in his eye. Now she was totally confused, there were no bullies, why was he crying now? She started to get angry again. She looked at him, and said, "I don't understand why you cried then and why you have a tear in your eye now. It just doesn't make any sense." Charlie looked at her, a smile slowly coming onto his face, as he said, "The tear wasn't for me, the tear was for you." Misty was shaken. She began stammering, "For me? But, but," Charlie took her hand into his and the quiet boy who was now a man, looked into her eyes and said, "I love you. I have always loved you." Misty began to cry, for the first time since she was three years old tears began to form in her eyes, in a voice that was barely a whisper, she asked, "But why were you crying, was it because of the bullies?" Charlie said, "I wasn't crying for my pain, I was crying for yours." Misty asked, "How had you known?" Charlie's response was simple, "My mother wore a lot of makeup too." Suddenly, Misty understood everything. Charlie's bruises weren't from the bullies, they were a 'gift' from his father. Charlie had not been crying for himself. When he saw her wearing heavy makeup, he had known what was happening to her. Finally, after all these years, she knew that his tears had not been for himself, they really had been for her. Charlie's final words on that afternoon, so many years before, finally came to her. Charlie's last words had been, "You deserve better." Misty fell into Charlie's arms. She cried for what seemed like days, but was probably only hours. She let out all the pain and anger that was inside her. Afterwards, Misty thought about all that had happened and looked into Charlie's eyes. She suddenly found herself overwhelmed with love for this man who cared so much for her, and said, "Charlie, you were right about something." He gave her a questioning look. Misty looked Charlie in the eyes and said, "You were right Charlie, I do deserve something better." Misty and Charlie were married the next day. Author unknown. (Editor's archives). Information on the editor's Child Protection Seminar may be found at ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Havagiggle: A Child's Interpretation A seven-year-old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good and included Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus. However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin." --Courtesy of Stephanie Forest ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> The Extensive Exposition. Each issue we will make available a longer article available by email free to those who request it. This is to keep the FreEzine a readable length yet make available more in-depth material for those who are interested. Articles provided under this section do not always reflect totally the beliefs of the editor. For the editor's understanding of the biblical perspective on this month's topic, see 'Music in the Bible', available from . In some issues more than one article will be available under this section and articles will need to be asked for by name to save confusion. We have no separate mailing list for the automatic despatch of articles in The Extensive Exposition so a separate request will need to be made for each article. This month's article: Don Hawley, Renewal Music Bane or Blessing? Articles may be obtained free by writing to the editor and asking for the article by name. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> The Funny Bone: The Bible Lesson At Sabbath School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Leo seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down, as though he were ill. 'Leo, what's the matter?' she asked. Leo responded, 'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!' --Courtesy of Regina Peters ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Aside: Are you a writer, a poet or an illustrator? If you have something you have written or illustrated that you would like to consider having published, a free 60 page Style Guide is available online at , or from the Editor of this FreEzine. There is no charge for publishing and YOU receive payment on publication (see the free Style Guide for details). Publishing formats include Books, Pamphlets, Leaflets, Magazines & Ezines, Online video & audio, CD-ROM & floppy-disk electronic books & multimedia, Video & Audio tapes and Talking Books & audio CDs. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Split Second Wisdom: (An addition to the economist Samuelson's maxim 'There are only two certainties: death and taxes'): Death doesn't get worse every year. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Aside: What Price for a Funeral? A farmer lived alone in the countryside, except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and the farmer went to the local Adventist minister saying, "Pastor, my dog just died. Could you possibly have a little service for the poor creature?" The Pastor told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what. There's one of those new denominations down the road, and there's no telling what they believe in. Maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" The Pastor gasped, "Why didn't you tell me your dog was Adventist?" -- Courtesy of Phil A. Grubber ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Sermon Snippet: God's Boxes of Love I have in my hands two boxes Which God gave me to hold. He said, "Put your sorrows in the black one, And all of your joys in the gold." I heeded His words, and in the two boxes Both my joys and sorrows I store. But though the gold became heavier each day The black was as light as before. With curiosity, I opened the black I wanted to find out why. And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole Which my sorrows had fallen out by. I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud, "I wonder where my sorrows could be." He smiled a gentle smile at me. "My child, they're all here with me." I asked, "God, why give me the boxes, Why the gold, and the black with the hole?" "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, And the black box for you to let go." Theologically speaking:--Anonymous (Editor's archives) ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Theologically speaking: Barth, Tillich, Niebuhr and Cone Des Ford says that the 'Gospel is simply wonderful and wonderfully simple', yet, for some strange reason, we seem to make it as complicated as we can. This was reinforced for me recently when I read the following parable from < http://www.christian-thinktank.com> (Editor). Karl Barth, Paul Tillich, Reinhold Niebuhr and James Cone found themselves all at the same time at Caesarea Philippi. Who should come along but Jesus, and he asked the four the same Christological question, "Who do you say that I, the Son of Man, am?" Karl Barth stands up and says: "You are the totaliter aliter, the vestigious trinitatum who speaks to us in the modality of Christo-monism". Not prepared for Barth's brevity, Paul Tillich stumbles out: "You are he who heals our ambiguities and overcomes the split of angst and existential estrangement; you are he who speaks of the theonomous viewpoint of the analogy of our being and the ground of all possibilities". Reinhold Niebuhr gives a cough for effect and says, in one breath: "You are the impossible possibility who brings to us children of light and children of darkness, the overwhelming oughtness in the midst of our fraught condition of estrangement and brokenness in the contiguity and existential anxieties of our ontological relationships". Finally James Cone gets up, and raises his voice: "You are my Oppressed One, my soul's shalom, the One who was, who is, and who shall be, who has never left us alone in the struggle, the event of liberation in the lives of the oppressed struggling for freedom, and whose blackness is both literal and symbolic". And Jesus writes in the sand, "Huh?" ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Take a Hint: Intestinal gas This month's unusual topic comes from a reader request. In the next issue we will address her other question regarding haemorrhoids. Though it is not life threatening, intestinal gas can be uncomfortable, unpleasant and embarrassing. While certain conditions such as irritable bowel and gall bladder disease to name a few can cause increased gas production, very often the culprit is the food you are eating. The following is a listing of foods that most commonly cause excess gas. ><> Dairy products -- Lactose, a sugar in dairy foods, is a common cause of gas. If you are sensitive to lactose, you may be able to tolerate yoghurt and aged cheeses. ><> Certain vegetables -- Dried beans and peas, cabbage, radishes, onions, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower and broccoli contain certain carbohydrates that can produce gas. ><> Excessive fruit sugars -- Prunes, apples, raisins and bananas, as well as prune, apple and grape juices can be bothersome for some. ><> Excessive fibre intake -- Temporarily decrease your intake of bran and other high-fibre foods. Slowly add them back to see how much you can tolerate. ><> The sweeteners Sorbitol and Mannitol -- These sweeteners are found in some sugar-free products. ><> High-fat foods -- Fatty meats, fried foods, some sauces and gravies can cause gas. ><> Carbonated and sparkling beverages -- Avoid these beverages. Treatment While some of these offending foods such as high fat fried foods, gravies, sweeteners and carbonated beverages can be eliminated from the diet without any nutritional deficits there are steps you can take to reduce gas without compromising your diet: Eat slower to avoid swallowing air, chewing food thoroughly, swallowing before taking another mouthful. Do not lie down after meals. Stay upright and even take a walk to help with intestinal motility. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Aside: A new neighbour asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, 'No, I'm the lonely child.' ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Letters to the Editor (See 'Take A Hint' section above) ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Watch This Space: Future issues will include other sections not listed here. Why not write to us suggesting what you would like to see included. ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Subscription Information: FreEzine is a Free ezine magazine/newsletter, published no less than monthly and sent out only to those who request it. As FreEzine uses an opt-in email list, we never buy or otherwise obtain email addresses. We have a strictly No Spam Policy. To subscribe, please send a blank message (we invite your comments also) to and type SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. To change your email address, please send a blank message to and type ADDRESS CHANGE in the subject line. To unsubscribe, simply send a blank message (we invite your comments also) to and type UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject line. It is NOT necessary to access a website and/or go through a complicated ritual to unsubscribe from FreEzine! Privacy: Protecting your privacy is very important to us. We will not share, rent, sell, or exchange your e-mail address with a third party for any purpose. Unsubscribing permanently removes your name and address. A note on the format: Your editor has considered many possible formats, including a colourfully illustrated E-book, webpage, Portable Document Format (.pdf), etc. Reluctantly, plain text was chosen to make this ezine available to the greatest number of users - DOS, Windows(R), Macintosh, etc. Address all correspondence to the editor Please do not use "Reply To Sender" email option as this magazine may occasionally be sent out by a commercial or other distributor, unrelated to FreEzine. Free offers in FreEzine of CD-ROMs, Back issues, software, posters, additional articles, screensavers, etc. have a time limit which is normally until the issue of the next edition of FreEzine. Special exceptions are sometimes made. Contact the editor for information. In order to cater for a variety of tastes and beliefs, the content of FreEzine does not always reflect totally the beliefs of the editor. Contents of FreEzine are COPYRIGHT and we make every endeavour to acknowledge sources. You may freely quote from FreEzine PROVIDED is cited as a reference source. Occasional contributions from Good News Australia are used with permission. YOUR contributions and comments most welcome. E&OE PS. This could be your next home: Check out ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Penultimate: What Alcohol Does For A Body Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco, please?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yelled to the driver, "Step on it". A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you please have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying to the driver, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 kilometres an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden they heard some more tapping. "Oh no! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, " Now what?" The old man gently replied, "Would you want some help getting out of the mud?" --Anonymous (Editor's archives) ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> : <>< : ><> Last Word: New Labelling for Alcohol Products Due to increasing product-liability litigation, alcoholic beverage manufacturers have accepted the Health Department's recommendation that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic beverage containers. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major contributing factor to dancing like an idiot. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a lamp-post to look more attractive than your wife. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause the stomach to rule the brain. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you reveal more than you conceal. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you think that you have mystical, divine, or super-human powers. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to experience the 'wrath of grapes'. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to hit you. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your friends REALLY want you to telephone them at three o'clock in the morning. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering where your clothing or motor vehicle has gone. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may prevent you from reeeadingg thisss labelll. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Cork-screws sink more sailors than cork-jackets* save. (*lifejackets) GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Drinking to another's health may cause the destruction of your own. GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: First the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the drink, then the drink takes the man. --Adapted by the editor from a selection of anonymous notations selected and saved over several years.