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uncomfortable in my own skin...

Monday, 27 June 2005

wicked wicked you are
Mood:  sad
With you...I'm at ease and it feels so good...but now the majority of time is spent w/out you...and it is one of the worst torments I've felt in such a long while. In your precense, I am whole, I don't question anything between you and me, I am the only thing that exists-so that is the way you make me feel, time is a whirlwind of bullshit, for there is only...what we share. And Without you, time has a death grip, strangle-hold, my heart, my life-drained, beaten, strung up...abusive is our relationship...that's time and I. Paranoia, fear, trust, pain, sorrow, obscure reality is that which we live. That in which we dream, black and white, pieces, a puzzle that doesn't fit, moment from moment, time to time, it laps, a faint memory-or is it a dream...what reality. Wisdom, dominance, drama, jealousy, my heart left to bleed-pulsating for you. Match this, my insecurity. Deep breath in...silent sorrow of good bye released...I'm saying good bye to you my friend, and this is where I lose myself to someone else. SOmething I promised I would not do. BUt with so much love to give...are you with me or without me?
To lose yourself in someone else is when you find yourself...nothing left to breathe. Ruthless existence...racking in fire. You've burnt me.

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 11:38 PM EDT
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how many calories are in semen
To describe what you make me feel…it just wouldn’t do you justice. This is far too complex and we are the type of individuals who cannot really be defined in society or according to its norms….each meeting w/ you is a little anxious at first…then I feel at home. You put me at ease…you make me lose my appetite…and effect that comes w/ the territory of lust, love, and the latter…

You told me that you ended your relationship a month and a half ago…that would make sense, in regards to the things I’ve noticed and that have occurred…the line to draw now…seems very obscure, you said it yourself. I’m in no hurry…and I wouldn’t want you to take what I’ve said like I’m pushing for something more than what we are willing to give at the moment. Though life is short…I’m in no hurry…bide my time and my worries.

I’m thinking back on the things that we’ve done now…I love looking into your eyes…as we’re having sex?…making some type of love?…I’m not sure…but there’s still apart of you that isn’t in sync w/ me completely yet…and what might that be you’d be asking…the little things about making love…we lack…the connection of just ‘knowing’ how to please the other w/out asking…etc…but we still have time. I have a fear that we’ll become use to each other and fall prey to old habits…that you’ll find someone else attractive…want their attention…or if someone else gives you an offer, you won’t be able to refuse it…

I hope you are the one for me though...my only wish besides being skinny

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 4:09 AM EDT
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actually meant for yesterday-but just now being posted
I’m trying to figure myself out. Over analyze my surrounding, the relationships I find myself holding, my thoughts, insecurities…and of course, my body and the less than perfect image that I am trying to change…it’s weird how such can dictate how you feel each day. One minute, you’re fine…then you walk past something that shines a reflection of your existence back at you…and at times, I’d just like to die…because I’ve never been so unhappy w/my body in all of my life. So, I know a lot of what I am feeling is probably my chemical imbalance that has never been diagnosed…I can deal w/that…but the reality still remains…I need to watch what I eat and get into shape again (sad to say that I’d like to be ‘hot’…but it’s true)…

I’m suppose to meet up again (just the second time) w/ a guy that I’ve been interested in for quite some time now. Well, I suppose our situation is kinda unique, well to me…he’s my ex-prof. I don’t really see him as such anymore, rather, more of a ‘person’…which I think he may have a hard time grasping…because at times, he still refers to me as a ‘student’…lol…I kinda have to laugh to myself since we’ve been intimate w/one another…on our drive back to his house, we passed the college where he teaches, and where I used to be a student…very comical in a sense…so we both thought. It’s fun to look back and think, ‘did I ever believe this is what would come of such?’…I mean, I had a little innocent admiration for him that turned into a crush…and after the course was over, asked if he wanted to keep in touch…and now, who knows what we ‘are’ at the moment…neither of us are aware of that I think…but even more so, what will we become? Something more…or will it end soon? I know his moodiness will definitely play a role in how we come to terms w/ this new situation we have put ourselves in. Not that I mind…this is all I have thought about for quite some time…yet…it just may be a little more turbulent than I would like. I like maturity…not drama…I taught myself how to avoid such, to not subcum to that, for many reasons. One, I know that I did thrive on it…that little mental mindfuck was nice, plus it was rewarded w/make up love…which, I still admit, nothing compares to at times…but-my rationale, the more I age-as an individual who would like to be intelligent and condunct oneself that way…drama only hinders this personal progress. He’s older than me, and I still think he has yet to find such out…and he is an incredibly smart man.

I just got up to eat some stuff. I’m pretty sure I was truly hungry…yet, I just wish my carb cravings would subside to the veggies. I mean, I wanna lose weight…eating white bread doesn’t really work in regards to those goalsJ



Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 3:43 AM EDT
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Saturday, 25 June 2005

the illness you inflicted upon me
Mood:  blue
I pined over you for how long? Since I moved back in January. I knew better than to coin you anything but human...yet, I didn't know what I would discover within when given the chance. That has come. I'm more afraid than ever. I try to remain calm...to stick to the 'trust unless given a reason not to'...and though you haven't given me a reason straight up yet...something in my gut tells me you're not the man I thought you were...and I don't know if I will ever truly know you. The baggage you carry may just be that...yet, I don't know if it's more than what you're leading me to believe. Your nuerotic tendencies...fuck, I just can't handle. Why put myself in the path of destruction, to connect my heart to yours on a dotted line-when I could save myself the trouble and the time...to be happy on my own...the only path leading to my heart, the happiness would be mine. Yet, I'm allowing myself to fall for you...to follow you. I don't wanna give anymore of my time, my thoughts...the credibility to do otherwise, I wish I could capture. I suppose, the one thing that gets me the most, is how I'm already feeling so stressed out...and we're not even 'together'...if that makes sense...if I'm already feeling this way-then how will I ever survive as your lover, best friends, etc...? I can't imagine why others haven't been able to stay w/ you. I think that you must do something to all the girls...to push them away. You say that you'd like to find 'the one'...I'm beginning to wonder how many times you had her laying next to you, or even in your arms...yet, you-being so flakey, pushed her away when something 'better' came along. I guess I'm disappointed that you never inquired about me...leaving all this pursuing on me...I'm the one to bear this burden...the burden of knowing you, of wanting to love you...yet dredding every second of the 'what if', 'what may come'...etc...Now, my own problem comes into this-my insecurities...I warned you. Yet, I don't think you have any idea. I just felt those eyes on me. As I write this...I wanna kill off that part of me that torments my every being...the soul of hate...spewing dissatisfaction. I can't take care of myself...how can I get involved w/ someone else. I'm embarrassed about my weight...my body...and I just want to escape and come back the person you first saw. Fuck, if only I could be tiny again. I will be...I'll prove it to you and you'll be surprised at how good I look. Anyway, the phone rang the other night as we were making...love?...I don't even know what to call it...finding eachother out?...anyway, you told me you knew who it was...making me wonder if you are dragging me along-on top of whatever you and your ex may or may not have. I gave you the option of letting me out of the picture until things cleared up for you...but you didn't suggest such...so I'm trusting you...yet questioning you all the same. I mean, she called twice in an hour or so...left a message expressing sentiments about how you're feeling...you said you have a hard time letting go..adjusting, because you're the jealous type. If that's the case, then why are we meeting up? If you still 'want' her...why are you letting me into your life. I don't wanna be hurt or used as a distraction to whatever else you're dealing w/. If you just wanna occupy your time...do it w/her. I'm not one to play this sorta game...really, I'm not into that. Another thing, you've slept w/other students...I am nothing new. I don't view it as 'opprotunistic', but I don't see you as innocent as I thought...I mean, you've only been teaching a few years and you've already fucked girls from your class before (just 2 or 3 that you've been willing to share). What am I then? Another fuck...a little way to get your mind off things? I am not a drug...I am not here to entertain you...I am human. I have a fucking pulsating heart. I'm beginning to doubt if you will ever feel it. I'm not sure if that will be a choice of mine, or if you will choose it on your own through your actions. I want to trust you...I do...but if I'm already feeling this way, what good is to come from this? Like I said, you're definitley not the man I thought you were...luckily, I'm not the woman you think I am either.

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 1:00 PM EDT
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where am i going
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Lacuna Coil
Here I go again...a whirlwind of progressive failure. I know why I started this blog, as embarrassing as it is to admit...I feel it's needed...especailly for all the other girls who may feel the same way. Let me first state, that I too am aware societal's standards...that they are bullshit...I guess that's why this blog is even more bitter...I KNOW BETTER. So, moving forward. I've been struggling w/my body for over a year now. I finally had my weight where I felt comfortable...even kinda proud at one point. I think I was at 112-115...sadly, I thought that was over-weight (eeek, looking back, I'm like "what the fuck were you thinking?")...now, at 140...jeez...I feel like such a fucking failure. A blob moving about, taking up precious time and space...wanting, wishing, vying to be smaller...pining over old photos...the way my body use to lay. Now, all I see are the rolls, the lovehandles that are far less lovely than I can ever remember or put into words. These handles seem to control my moods, my apietite, my existence. I just want to hide. I'm saddened by my appearence. Whenever I run into someone I used to hangout w/ I wanna say, "Really, I'm trying to lose the weight...this is only temporary"...or I just wanna disappear. I feel their eyes move from my face downward and back up again, I can see the bulb go off...the click of "Yes, she DID used to be much smaller...actually tiny...and now look at her...fucking fat shit"...ugh...I hate feeling this way. I wanna get back on track. On top of all this, I'm beginning to date someone new...if only he knew...I'm embarrassed. I wish he could have been w/ me when I was tiny. God, I would've fit perfectly into his arms..now he has to settle for this massive shit. I'm gonna lose weight...I wanna start today. I'm gonna journal everything I eat, all exercises I do...and of course, the horrible thoughts that come to my mind. I wanna be small again. I want those around me to stop sizing me up and let me be. If I am ever tiny again, I'm not going to judge others based on such...how fucked up are people. Anorexia is in? WTF??? Part of me wants to embrace this curvier self...the other part will not settle for less than the tiny girl who swore off almost everything. I want her back more than I want the new body...the new body makes me so uncomfortable...I hate waking up in my own skin.

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 11:49 AM EDT
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