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uncomfortable in my own skin...

Saturday, 25 June 2005

the illness you inflicted upon me
Mood:  blue
I pined over you for how long? Since I moved back in January. I knew better than to coin you anything but human...yet, I didn't know what I would discover within when given the chance. That has come. I'm more afraid than ever. I try to remain calm...to stick to the 'trust unless given a reason not to'...and though you haven't given me a reason straight up yet...something in my gut tells me you're not the man I thought you were...and I don't know if I will ever truly know you. The baggage you carry may just be that...yet, I don't know if it's more than what you're leading me to believe. Your nuerotic tendencies...fuck, I just can't handle. Why put myself in the path of destruction, to connect my heart to yours on a dotted line-when I could save myself the trouble and the time...to be happy on my own...the only path leading to my heart, the happiness would be mine. Yet, I'm allowing myself to fall for you...to follow you. I don't wanna give anymore of my time, my thoughts...the credibility to do otherwise, I wish I could capture. I suppose, the one thing that gets me the most, is how I'm already feeling so stressed out...and we're not even 'together'...if that makes sense...if I'm already feeling this way-then how will I ever survive as your lover, best friends, etc...? I can't imagine why others haven't been able to stay w/ you. I think that you must do something to all the girls...to push them away. You say that you'd like to find 'the one'...I'm beginning to wonder how many times you had her laying next to you, or even in your arms...yet, you-being so flakey, pushed her away when something 'better' came along. I guess I'm disappointed that you never inquired about me...leaving all this pursuing on me...I'm the one to bear this burden...the burden of knowing you, of wanting to love you...yet dredding every second of the 'what if', 'what may come'...etc...Now, my own problem comes into this-my insecurities...I warned you. Yet, I don't think you have any idea. I just felt those eyes on me. As I write this...I wanna kill off that part of me that torments my every being...the soul of hate...spewing dissatisfaction. I can't take care of myself...how can I get involved w/ someone else. I'm embarrassed about my weight...my body...and I just want to escape and come back the person you first saw. Fuck, if only I could be tiny again. I will be...I'll prove it to you and you'll be surprised at how good I look. Anyway, the phone rang the other night as we were making...love?...I don't even know what to call it...finding eachother out?...anyway, you told me you knew who it was...making me wonder if you are dragging me along-on top of whatever you and your ex may or may not have. I gave you the option of letting me out of the picture until things cleared up for you...but you didn't suggest such...so I'm trusting you...yet questioning you all the same. I mean, she called twice in an hour or so...left a message expressing sentiments about how you're feeling...you said you have a hard time letting go..adjusting, because you're the jealous type. If that's the case, then why are we meeting up? If you still 'want' her...why are you letting me into your life. I don't wanna be hurt or used as a distraction to whatever else you're dealing w/. If you just wanna occupy your time...do it w/her. I'm not one to play this sorta game...really, I'm not into that. Another thing, you've slept w/other students...I am nothing new. I don't view it as 'opprotunistic', but I don't see you as innocent as I thought...I mean, you've only been teaching a few years and you've already fucked girls from your class before (just 2 or 3 that you've been willing to share). What am I then? Another fuck...a little way to get your mind off things? I am not a drug...I am not here to entertain you...I am human. I have a fucking pulsating heart. I'm beginning to doubt if you will ever feel it. I'm not sure if that will be a choice of mine, or if you will choose it on your own through your actions. I want to trust you...I do...but if I'm already feeling this way, what good is to come from this? Like I said, you're definitley not the man I thought you were...luckily, I'm not the woman you think I am either.

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 1:00 PM EDT
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where am i going
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Lacuna Coil
Here I go again...a whirlwind of progressive failure. I know why I started this blog, as embarrassing as it is to admit...I feel it's needed...especailly for all the other girls who may feel the same way. Let me first state, that I too am aware societal's standards...that they are bullshit...I guess that's why this blog is even more bitter...I KNOW BETTER. So, moving forward. I've been struggling w/my body for over a year now. I finally had my weight where I felt comfortable...even kinda proud at one point. I think I was at 112-115...sadly, I thought that was over-weight (eeek, looking back, I'm like "what the fuck were you thinking?")...now, at 140...jeez...I feel like such a fucking failure. A blob moving about, taking up precious time and space...wanting, wishing, vying to be smaller...pining over old photos...the way my body use to lay. Now, all I see are the rolls, the lovehandles that are far less lovely than I can ever remember or put into words. These handles seem to control my moods, my apietite, my existence. I just want to hide. I'm saddened by my appearence. Whenever I run into someone I used to hangout w/ I wanna say, "Really, I'm trying to lose the weight...this is only temporary"...or I just wanna disappear. I feel their eyes move from my face downward and back up again, I can see the bulb go off...the click of "Yes, she DID used to be much smaller...actually tiny...and now look at her...fucking fat shit"...ugh...I hate feeling this way. I wanna get back on track. On top of all this, I'm beginning to date someone new...if only he knew...I'm embarrassed. I wish he could have been w/ me when I was tiny. God, I would've fit perfectly into his arms..now he has to settle for this massive shit. I'm gonna lose weight...I wanna start today. I'm gonna journal everything I eat, all exercises I do...and of course, the horrible thoughts that come to my mind. I wanna be small again. I want those around me to stop sizing me up and let me be. If I am ever tiny again, I'm not going to judge others based on such...how fucked up are people. Anorexia is in? WTF??? Part of me wants to embrace this curvier self...the other part will not settle for less than the tiny girl who swore off almost everything. I want her back more than I want the new body...the new body makes me so uncomfortable...I hate waking up in my own skin.

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 11:49 AM EDT
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