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uncomfortable in my own skin...

Monday, 27 June 2005

actually meant for yesterday-but just now being posted
I’m trying to figure myself out. Over analyze my surrounding, the relationships I find myself holding, my thoughts, insecurities…and of course, my body and the less than perfect image that I am trying to change…it’s weird how such can dictate how you feel each day. One minute, you’re fine…then you walk past something that shines a reflection of your existence back at you…and at times, I’d just like to die…because I’ve never been so unhappy w/my body in all of my life. So, I know a lot of what I am feeling is probably my chemical imbalance that has never been diagnosed…I can deal w/that…but the reality still remains…I need to watch what I eat and get into shape again (sad to say that I’d like to be ‘hot’…but it’s true)…

I’m suppose to meet up again (just the second time) w/ a guy that I’ve been interested in for quite some time now. Well, I suppose our situation is kinda unique, well to me…he’s my ex-prof. I don’t really see him as such anymore, rather, more of a ‘person’…which I think he may have a hard time grasping…because at times, he still refers to me as a ‘student’…lol…I kinda have to laugh to myself since we’ve been intimate w/one another…on our drive back to his house, we passed the college where he teaches, and where I used to be a student…very comical in a sense…so we both thought. It’s fun to look back and think, ‘did I ever believe this is what would come of such?’…I mean, I had a little innocent admiration for him that turned into a crush…and after the course was over, asked if he wanted to keep in touch…and now, who knows what we ‘are’ at the moment…neither of us are aware of that I think…but even more so, what will we become? Something more…or will it end soon? I know his moodiness will definitely play a role in how we come to terms w/ this new situation we have put ourselves in. Not that I mind…this is all I have thought about for quite some time…yet…it just may be a little more turbulent than I would like. I like maturity…not drama…I taught myself how to avoid such, to not subcum to that, for many reasons. One, I know that I did thrive on it…that little mental mindfuck was nice, plus it was rewarded w/make up love…which, I still admit, nothing compares to at times…but-my rationale, the more I age-as an individual who would like to be intelligent and condunct oneself that way…drama only hinders this personal progress. He’s older than me, and I still think he has yet to find such out…and he is an incredibly smart man.

I just got up to eat some stuff. I’m pretty sure I was truly hungry…yet, I just wish my carb cravings would subside to the veggies. I mean, I wanna lose weight…eating white bread doesn’t really work in regards to those goalsJ



Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 3:43 AM EDT
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