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uncomfortable in my own skin...

Saturday, 25 June 2005

where am i going
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Lacuna Coil
Here I go again...a whirlwind of progressive failure. I know why I started this blog, as embarrassing as it is to admit...I feel it's needed...especailly for all the other girls who may feel the same way. Let me first state, that I too am aware societal's standards...that they are bullshit...I guess that's why this blog is even more bitter...I KNOW BETTER. So, moving forward. I've been struggling w/my body for over a year now. I finally had my weight where I felt comfortable...even kinda proud at one point. I think I was at 112-115...sadly, I thought that was over-weight (eeek, looking back, I'm like "what the fuck were you thinking?")...now, at 140...jeez...I feel like such a fucking failure. A blob moving about, taking up precious time and space...wanting, wishing, vying to be smaller...pining over old photos...the way my body use to lay. Now, all I see are the rolls, the lovehandles that are far less lovely than I can ever remember or put into words. These handles seem to control my moods, my apietite, my existence. I just want to hide. I'm saddened by my appearence. Whenever I run into someone I used to hangout w/ I wanna say, "Really, I'm trying to lose the weight...this is only temporary"...or I just wanna disappear. I feel their eyes move from my face downward and back up again, I can see the bulb go off...the click of "Yes, she DID used to be much smaller...actually tiny...and now look at her...fucking fat shit"...ugh...I hate feeling this way. I wanna get back on track. On top of all this, I'm beginning to date someone new...if only he knew...I'm embarrassed. I wish he could have been w/ me when I was tiny. God, I would've fit perfectly into his arms..now he has to settle for this massive shit. I'm gonna lose weight...I wanna start today. I'm gonna journal everything I eat, all exercises I do...and of course, the horrible thoughts that come to my mind. I wanna be small again. I want those around me to stop sizing me up and let me be. If I am ever tiny again, I'm not going to judge others based on such...how fucked up are people. Anorexia is in? WTF??? Part of me wants to embrace this curvier self...the other part will not settle for less than the tiny girl who swore off almost everything. I want her back more than I want the new body...the new body makes me so uncomfortable...I hate waking up in my own skin.

Posted by zine2/deathinfiction at 11:49 AM EDT
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